UPJOKE

I Mean Jokes

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Roy Moore says he’ll bring “Alabama values” to Washington, but I’m not so sure. I mean, he sexually assaulted teenage girls...

But he wasn’t related to any of ‘em!

I asked my dog how much i mean to her

She said nothing

What are some jokes with multiple punchlines? Here is an example what i mean:

A journalist was about to interview a company that advertised 100% chicken meat sausages.
The interviewer asked if the sausages are realy 100% chicken meat.
Company director:"well this is a secret, but for the sausages to remain juicy, we need to add some horse meat"
Interviewer: "Horse mea...

Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar. I mean, she always said she wanted...

...a night in, shining armor.

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I got that mean dick

And by mean I mean average

I mean what else do you expect...

...when your store name is Target

I got myself a Crypto wallet and surfed the Dark Web, seeing what illicit "goods and services" were available, if you know what I mean?.

Chuffed to bits. Managed to get an appointment with a GP.

Judas: Hey Jesus, you coming to the last supper?

Jesus: the what?

Judas: the supper…I mean are you coming to the supper?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

Hockey fans, you know what I mean.

It is Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

“No” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.”

“This is incredi...

What's the use of decimals, I mean...

Whats the point?

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A woman visited her doctor for her annual exam. The doctor asked, “Are you and your husband sexually active?” “Yes, we have verbal sex everyday.” the woman answered. “Verbal sex? I think you mean oral sex!” the doctor laughed. “No, I mean verbal sex.” the woman persisted...

“Every morning my husband and I pass each other in the hall and say, ‘Fuck you!’"

Have you met Eric? He's a genie. I mean, he's not special or anything.

He's just Djinn Eric.

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. (NSFW)

A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away.

At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together."

Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her seco...

A man is on a street corner in Moscow yelling “The president is an idiot “

Police surround him and handcuff him. They say “it is illegal to insult President Putin”

He says “You don’t understand I mean the Ukrainian president, Zelensky, he is the one I was insulting “

The police captain says “you can’t fool us, everyone knows who the idiot is”

I mean, what would you even call someone from a place called Amir?

Amirite?

Some people like bread, sure. I mean, who doesn't want bread? But some people, like it enough to make their own...

Those people, they knead bread.

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My first football game was kinda like the time I lost my virginity. I mean I kinda cried a little,

But at least my dad came.

I hate it when people compare Lionel Messi with God. I mean he's good and all...

...but he's no Messi.

My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.

MAN, I sure am LUCKY!

I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!!!

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A: Why are you so sad?

B: I was watching porn and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.

A: Ok I see, but is that really such a big deal?

B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie

Jokes about drowning billionaires are disgusting.

I mean, how low can you go?

Just because I’m white doesn’t mean I’m racist

I mean for Christ’s sake, my dogs black!!!

Why are people complaining,what EA did was great!

I mean, you've got to give them credit.

When my girlfriend was pregnant it was pretty bad I mean the vomiting,the crying

It was bad for her too

I mean, NHL teams have father-son road trips all the time

I don't think they're as common in the NBA though...

If a tree falls.....

A tree falls in the forest but doesn't make a sound.

Hunter in camouflage gear: "WHAT THE HECK???!"

Tree: "I mean, AAAAAARGH, I fell!"

Ah, Perry the Platypus. Before I begin, I would like to assure you that this joke was absolutely not stolen. And of course by not stolen I mean COMPLETELY STOLEN! *activates trap*

Behold, My voice-changenator! This masterpiece has the power to modify people's voices across the tristate area! Watch as I merely post to my blog, and then any one who reads it is suddenly unable to resist even thinking in a voice other than my own!

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The young couple next door to me recently made a sex tape

I mean they do not know it yet.

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