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Historians Jokes

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What do dentists, historians and prostitutes have in common?

Oral history.

A physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer are all found guilty of treason and sentenced to death by guillotine.

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Please see [these](https://web.archive.org/web/20230609092523/https://old.reddit.com/r/apolloapp/comments/144f6xm/apollo_will_close_down_on_june_30th_reddits/) [threads](https://web.archive.org/web/2...

Historians found hard proof that Jesus could walk over water

They call it ice

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Historians are now generally agreed

that Romulus was a real son of a bitch.

According to historians, Julius Caesar was very religious in his later years.

Near the end of his reign, he became a holy man.

Contrary to what historians will tell you, Napoleon had a more horrific death.

It turns out, the military leader had walked over an active land mine causing it to explode. Body parts were strewn all over the place. Yeah. That’s right. Napoleon was Blown-apart!

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Russian foreign minister, Sergei Lavrov said yesterday that Adolf Hitler had Jewish roots. Historians replied...

"Oooh, So that's why he killed himself..."

Why are women good historians

Because they know their periods

What a pirate’s favorite letter of the alphabet?

None of them. Historians suggest that most pirates would have been illiterate.

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Future historians will have difficulties studying about our pornstars

because we delete them from our history.

Historians have proved that people with every zodiac sign survived the sinking of the Titanic...

Except Leo

Why are all the greatest historians named Victor?

Because history is written by the Victors

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Historians are torn as to whether or not Hitler had a favorite date

Some say that he vehemently denied having one

while others say it was 9/9/99

TIL the American flag on the moon is now bleached completely white by the sun so historians and/or other species would never know it was America that first landed on the moon

They'll think it was France

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Two historians are discussing about the Holocaust

\- The holocaust wasn't that bad; says one of them.

\- Are you out of your mind?; the other one replies.

\- What if I were to kill 6 million Jews and one actress?

\- But why the actress?

\- See, nobody ever cares about the Jews.

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Why do historians say Hitler was a great mathematician?

He could always find the final solution

Worlds oldest joke (found on r/AskHistorians)

See https://www.reddit.com/r/AskHistorians/comments/1e5qdi/the_worlds_oldest_jokes/

> Thus far the oldest joke that we have been able to identify by this definition is an old Sumerian saying from ~1900 BCE that is translated as follows: "Something which has never occurred since time immemo...

Historians have discovered that human rights activist Malcolm X was actually just called Malcolm

He was rather affectionate at the end of his text messages.

How do historians know that Joseph wasn't Jesus' dad?

Because when you're a carpenter in the desert you can't get wood.

What do Vietnamese historians and Southern rednecks have in common?

They both care way too much about the Đức Dynasty.

Historians have discovered more information about the Ancient Greek hero, Bophades

According to Ancient Greek mythology, Bophades was a powerful hero, much like Achilles. In fact, the two heroes are very similar. Achilles had a weakness in his heels, and historians have now discovered that Bophades had a weakness in his groin. Many people have heard of Achilles's heel, but have yo...

For the question "Is the glass half empty or half full?" someone was the first person to say the glass is half full. While their name is forever lost, historians, theoligans and philosophers shall refer to them as...

Optimist Prime.

An Emperor wanted to prove that he was greater than Alexander the Great

So he visited an elderly Council of Historians who had the power to write an Emperor's legacy after his time and spread his fame far and wide.

He asked them, "O Great Historians, what made Alexander a Great King? I wish to be greater than him and the greatest in human history"

And he ...

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Adolph Hitler had a stamp on his desk

It was solely used to RSVP for meetings. The picture resembled a dolphin breaching water. Historians now believe the message was to mean Adolph in.

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The fighting needs to stop

An archaeologist and 2 historians are sitting next to each other on a plane. The archaeologist took off his shoes. One of the historians asks the archaeologist to get him a coke. He says yes and when he gets up the historian spits in his shoe. When the archaeologist got back the other historian ask...

Why did prostitues in 330 BCE hate Plato?

Historians have found that this uproar was due to his teachings being too Thot-provoking

Did you boys ever hear of the planet where the inhabitants were mobile flowers?

Remarkably similar to Earthly blossoms, but they had feet and human intelligence.

The whole planet was ruled by a king called Richard the Artichoke-Heart, and one day at a court orgy his eye was caught by Fuchsia, a pale-eyed perennial. Her beauty was so great it almost made up for her stupi...

The American flag that was planted on the moon has turned white due to solar radiation.

Now future historians will think the French got there first.

Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.

For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.

Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases ...

Wars in the Iberian Peninsula

Having forged a marriage alliance, the kingdoms of Castille and Aragon formed Spain, a united Catholic front to drive the Moors outside of Iberia.

One of the more important battles in the subsequent Reconquista was the siege of Cordoba. Though historians debate what exact tactics the command...

In the year 2045 Elon is tired of importing ice-cream from Earth to the Martian colonies.

The next day he puts a group of dairy cows on a rocket to Mars.

But inter-planetary customs officers make him hold the rocket in orbit while they inspect the cows. Earth leaders don't want to lose the tax revenue from exporting ice-cream and are looking for a reason to reposes his cattle. ...

What is the oldest joke we have on record? (X-post)

http://www.reddit.com/r/AskHistorians/comments/2krnv8/what_is_the_oldest_joke_we_have_on_record/

There have been few historical examples of wars with three opposing sides.

One such example occurred in the 11th century, with the three belligerents being the French, the English (Anglos) and the Vikings. The rivalry between each group was quite intense, and unlike other situations, the two weaker groups at the time did not join together to fight the strongest. Instead, t...

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A man's entire family was killed by a masked dolphin...

He set off on a quest for vengeance. He searched high and low for the identity of the masked dolphin. He traveled the world, asking dolphin Gurus and dolphin historians. He searched for ten years before he found his first clue.

In a shallow pool at the top of a tall mountain he found a dolphi...

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