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Hillary Clinton Jokes

Hillary Clinton is elected president, . . .

and on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."

She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's Bill and Hillary Clinton's fiftieth anniversary...

As they sat over a candle lit dinner, Hillary made a confession. "Bill," she says. "You know that box in the basement you told me never to open?"
"Yes" says Bill.
"It had been bothering me for years and finally curiosity won over. I opened it."
Bill sighed in disappointment. Hillary asked...

Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve?

They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.

If Hillary Clinton won she would’ve been the first F president.

I didn’t say female because someone deleted the emale.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hillary Clinton was being driven in a private limo to a rally...

... when suddenly, the car hit a large and old-looking cow.

The driver got out and checked to see if it was dead. After confirming the death, he saw the tag on it that said it belonged to a nearby farm. He told Hillary Clinton that he would be going over to the farm to tell the farmers what ...

If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives?

America.

How many Hillary Clinton supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They prefer to be left in the dark.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hillary Clinton speaks to the schoolchildren

Teacher: Class please welcome Hillary Clinton today. She will answer your questions.

Hillary: Hello class. Who has the first question?

*Johnny raises hand*

Johnny: My name is Johnny. I have 3 questions.

- Why did you lie about Benghazi?
- What was in those emails you d...

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go into a bakery...

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go into a bakery.

As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.
She says to Donald, "See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.” I will definitely win the election.

...

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When Bill and Hillary Clinton got married, Bill informed Hillary that he had a shoebox under the bed, and she was never to open it under any circumstances. Hillary agreed and promised to never open the box.

Hillary respected his wish as the years went by and kept her promise. But after several years of marriage, Hillary's curiosity got the best of her. She opened the box and found several hundred dollars in cash, and a couple of empty beer cans.

She felt guilty, and confessed to Bill that she ha...

Hillary Clinton is elected President.

On her first night in the White House (not counting when she was first lady), she is visited by the ghost of George Washington.

She asks, "What can I do to help America?"

Washington replies "Serve your country selflessly and always be honest"

*Hillary laughs in his face*

...

Q&A Time w/Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers to answer questions from the kids.

One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.

"Kenny," he says.

"And what is your question, Kenny?" she...

A man dies and goes to heaven

In heaven, he sees a wall of very large clocks.

He asks the Angel "What are all these clocks for?"

Angel answers "These are lie clocks, every person has one lie clock. Whenever you lie on earth, the clock ticks once."



The man points towards a clock and asks, "Who's clock...

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road

one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it , but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened and pay them for the cow. She stayed in the car making phone call...

There is still hope for for Hillary Clinton

Nelson Mandela became President after 27 years in prison.

Why does Hillary Clinton have two Ls in her first name?

1 for 2008, 1 for 2016

Bush, Trump, Sanders, and Clinton are all on a plane about to crash.

A plane with Jeb Bush, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton & Bernie Sanders is about to crash, but has only 3 parachutes.
The first passenger yells, "I'm Jeb Bush, let the big dog eat! I can't
afford to die." he took the first parachute and jumped.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump runs scream...

Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump?

Because orange is the new black.

Hillary Clinton was visiting a school...

In one class, she asks the students if anyone can give her an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No", Clinton says, "That would be an ACC...

Monica Lewinsky has released the following statement on Hillary Clinton's run for the American Presidency:

"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton. The last Clinton Presidency left a very bad taste in my mouth."

So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton.

That is the joke. There's no punchline here.

It's the end of the 2016 Presidential race

The people of the US hated all the candidates so much that no one voted. The government is in a panic, trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be.
Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea:
A literal presidential race. The three candidates would run a lap aroun...

Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton walks into a bar...

Hillary Clinton walks into a bar with a pig on a leash.

The bartender looks at them and says "You can't bring that cow in here!"

Hillary replies, "It's a pig, not a cow."

The bartender says "I was talking to the pig."

Hillary Clinton is the Windows 10 of the election

She's terrible at keeping your information safe, keeps promising new upgrades but really has been the same OS since 98, and is constantly trying to install herself when you're happy with the system you've been using for the last 8 years.

Monica Lewinsky and Hillary Clinton bump into each other at a party.

A dollar falls out of Monica's pocket. Hillary picks it up and says, "that's the second Bill we've shared."

If Hillary Clinton is elected as our first female President it's really going to redefine a few things for me....

....Like the words President Bush.

Bill and Hillary Clinton are at a baseball game...

Bill and Hillary Clinton are at a baseball game. During the opening ceremonies, their secret service agent goes to Bill and whispers something in his ear. Bill looks up at the agent and says "I'm not sure I can do that". The agent then says "Well, sir, it's the teams and fans request and I think we ...

What does Hillary Clinton say when she's unhappy at a restaurant?

Can I have a different server?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.

She spoke for almost an hour about her plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. She referred to her time as a U.S. Senator and how she had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.

 

Although Hillary was vague a...

Hilary Clinton dies

While walking down the street one day a corrupt Hillary Clinton was tragically hit by a car and died.

Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high offici...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and Adolf Hitler?

Hitler won an election.

Hillary Clinton is in the hospital...

She is being treated for third degree Berns.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I feel for Hillary Clinton

The FBI found a server in my basement too. She was from Hooters I think.

Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage

Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

Bernie leans towards Hillary and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand, i can make this crowd go absolutely wild with joy? The will not just be a momentary joy, this joy will be huge and they ...

Donald Trump said if I voted for Hillary Clinton I'd have a President constantly under Federal investigation.

I did and we do.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump

Donald Trump has labelled Hillary Clinton "disgusting" for taking a bathroom break during the debate. Trump himself never has to go to the bathroom, as the shit just comes straight out of his mouth.

 

Edit: Thanks to everyone that found this joke funny. To all those I offended...

Now I'm not saying I'm a good businessman

But I spent $534 million less than Hillary Clinton to not become President.

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven..

As she stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?"

Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.

"Oh," sa...

What do Hillary Clinton and the World Trade Center have in common?

Both collapsed on 9/11 after becoming overheated.

What's Hillary Clinton's key to success?

The Delete Key

What's the most embarrassing part about Hillary Clinton's emails?

The Nigerian Prince actually came through with the money transfer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's an email going around that claims to include a nude photo of Hillary Clinton

Don't open it. It contains a nude photo of Hillary Clinton.

My friend Dave told me this joke about Hillary Clinton yesterday...

I was just wondering if anyone here has heard from him?

They should send Hillary Clinton to the U.S. Mexico border

Since no one can get over her...

Hillary Clinton has a seizure during the debate...

"Mrs. Clinton," the Moderator asks, "What is your plan to lower the national debt?"

Suddenly, Hillary flails her arms around, rolls her eyes wildly, foams at the mouth, and gibbers incoherently for several awkward minutes. Finally, she collapses in a heap and soils herself.

"Hey!" Trum...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Bill Clinton say to Hillary Clinton after sex?

I'll be home in 20 minutes.

What's Hillary Clinton's favorite metal band?

*Suicide Silence*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Hillary Clinton want to have sex with Bill first thing in the morning?

She wants to be the first lady.

Hillary Clinton Meets Satan

Hillary was finishing up a day on the campaign trail when the Devil suddenly appeared in her and made her an offer.

“I am here to make you a deal,” the Devil says. “I will give you unlimited wealth, power, and a media that will pander to your every whim. In return, all I ask for is your soul,...

Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush jump of a bridge. They do a race who hits the ground first. Who wins?

Society

What does Hillary Clinton and La La Land have in common?

They both thought they were going to win.

Trump should build a wall with Hillary Clinton's emails.

Seems like the only thing people can't get over.

Hillary Clinton Style Condoms!

*Rigged for her pleasure*

Michael Bloomberg will not pick Hillary Clinton as his VP

He's not ready to commit suicide

Why will Congress never impeach Hillary Clinton?

Because she didn't win the election.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hillary Clinton Riddles

Q: Apparently Monica Lewinsky won’t be voting for Hillary Clinton this election
A: She says the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth

Q: All Trump has to say to beat Hillary in the debates
A: I have the receipts.

Q: What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?
A: H...

If Donald Trump had really wanted Hillary Clinton locked up, he should have just…

…given her a job on his campaign team…

Poor Hillary Clinton...

I haven't seen someone hit a glass ceiling this hard since Goose from Top Gun

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton?

Bill got fucked in the oval office and Hillary just got fucked out of it.

What does Hillary Clinton's presidency and Bill Clinton's presidency have in common?

They were both ruined by weiners.

Hey, wanna hear a Hillary Clinton Joke?

[Deleted]

What's Hillary Clinton's favourite question?

How much to make this go away?

Why is Hillary Clinton running for President?

Because it's easier than running from Law Enforcement.

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

Why did James Comey refuse to indict Hillary Clinton?

Because he found his suicide note in her Wikileaks emails.

The FBI raided Hillary Clinton's campaign headquarters

She needed them to get in quick and destroy all the evidence.

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump walk into a bar.

They ask the bartender, "What have you got?"

The bartender points to two taps.

They say, "What? That's it?! We don't like either of those choices!"

The bartender says, "Now you know how I feel."

They say Hillary Clinton is a criminal, a sore loser, and a traitor who hates America

Guess that means she deserves an extra big statue.

Breaking - Trump emailed Hillary Clinton his tax returns

She just accidentally deleted them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hillary Clinton's biography is a fable...

... because the main character is a bitch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hillary Clinton goes jogging [long]

Hillary Clinton was out jogging one morning along the parkway when she tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the river below.

Before anyone else could get to her, 3 kids who were fishing pulled her out of the water.

She was so grateful she offered the kids whatever they w...

How much is Hillary Clinton's life insurance?

Just one bill.

Pokemon go should contact Hillary Clinton.

I hear she has some servers

I finally found an active Hillary Clinton sub with a lot of subscribers!

/r/politics

Which course did Hillary Clinton select when playing Mario Kart?

The short circuit

How does Hillary Clinton clean her glasses?

By deleting the mainframe.

How will Hillary Clinton keep the economy up?

She won't, a secretary will.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do strippers and Hillary Clinton have in common?

They rely too much on polls

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