UPJOKE
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My dad is deaf, blind, has lost alot of skin, never brushes his teeth, and he's probably got worms but wont go to the doctor. How can I help him?

stop digging up his corpse

Why are American schools alot like Fortnite?

You just hop off the bus and start shooting.

Tornadoes are alot like divorces.

First they suck and blow,

Then they take your house.

Did you know?

Did you know that a sperm cell contains 35.75 MB of data. Making a load contain about 16TB

Yes i know, thats alot of information to swallow.

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Sex is alot like math. You add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs....

And pray you don't multiply...

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Losing my virginity was alot like my first football game.

I got bruised and beat up but atleast my dad came.

Why does river have alot of money

It has two banks.

I went to Disneyland as a kid

But it made alot of the other parents nervous so they made me change

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God asks a guy, would you set in motion a chain of events that will lead to the whole visible universe being destroyed in 1 million years, for 1 trillion dollars? Guy says yes thats alot of money and I've got to live for today.

God pulls out a mountain of cash and swims in it and says, then you'll understand what I did 999,999 years ago.

I know alot of jokes in sign language.

To bad no one has ever heard them.

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What do you call a person with alot of cocks?

A farmer.

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NSFW (Actual interaction between my wife and I) Wife: "Doesn't ejaculating alot increase your testosterone and lower your voice?"

Me: "Babe, if ejaculating lowered your voice, I'd have been Barry White by the time we met."

I know alot of jokes about unemployed people.

but none of them work.

I trust my fingers alot!

Because i can count on them..............

I had this friend named Leonardo. We called him Lee. Anyway, he didn't have alot of money. In fact, he was basically broke...

So one day he stole some bread because he was starving and couldn't buy food. He was caught and sentenced to death. It's really not that funny, but this joke was poor Lee executed.

What do you call a person from Wisconsin who always has alot to say?

A Milwaukee-Talkie

My crush: You know, you remind me alot of my brother.

[Pulling out]

Me: Excuse me, what?

Did you know the 80's pop band "A Flock of Seagulls" is gaining alot of attention in the middle east? They're getting really popular in Pakistan, Afghanistan

And Iran, I ran so far away!

Dark humor is alot like food...

not everybody gets it

A relationship is alot like ea games

It starts off great until the microtransactions come in

My school seems to respect me alot

My report is filled with Fs

Alot of reddits ‘rules’ are things my parents taught me.

I guess I didn’t need them after all.

Alot of people cry when they cut onions

Trick is: Just try not to get too emotionally attached.

As a fat, single, 40 year old man, I've been to alot of strip clubs.

Too bad I haven't made much money.

What takes several tries to make, costs alot of money and is first seen at the hospital 9 months later?

A vaccine for COVID-19.

Seamus and Murphy wanted to go out drinking like respectable Irishman, but they didn't have alot of money...

Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said to Seamus ‘Hang on my friend, I have an idea.’

He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.

Seamus said ‘Are you crazy Murph? Now we don’t have any money left at all!’...

I used to know alot of dinosaur jokes

But they're all gone now.

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Losing my virginity was alot like how i learned to ride my bike

My Dad having a firm grip on my shoulders.

What do you call a guy that talks alot of nonsense?

Bob Loblaw

Eurovision must confuse alot of Americans

Because the one with the most votes wins

My dad uses to tell this joke alot

There was once a man named Odd. He was very embarresed by his name and didn't want anyone to know about it. When he died he had no name written on his gravestone.

One day a bunch of tourists came to his town and visited the graveyard where they came across a gravestone with no name on it....

Alot of people have been protesting for the climate

They're just afraid of change

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There's a strange look of satisfaction from alot of dudes coming from that class...

I guess a lot of girls wanted to go down in history.

haha Belgians dumb

The King of Belgian visits the King of the Netherlands and laments that the Dutch people always make fun of the Belgian people. "Can't you just do something rediculously stupid? That way we have something to make fun of you. Just make a bridge in the middle of the desert, that would be so dumb"
<...

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Women are alot like continents.

At various times in her life, a woman is like the continents of the world. From 13 to 18, she's like Africa- virgin territory. From 18 to 30, she's like Asia- hot and exotic. From 30 to 45, she's like America- fully explored and free with her resources. From 45 to 55, she's like Europe- exhausted, b...

I used to eat alot of natural foods.

Until I found out that many people die of natural causes.

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All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

Alot of airport workers treat workplace sanitation very seriously.

Otherwise people could catch terminal illnesses.

Birth is alot like piloting a plane

Sometimes you gotta abort

In the year 2020 we will have alot of puns about vision

but at least we saw it coming

Physics joke

People always ask me why i like the last row in movie halls.


I just feel like they have alot more potential than the the first row.

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Alot of historic figures took drugs

I mean, look at Hitler he clearly sniffed markers.

so a train station noticed that alot of the passengers where either musicians or gardeners.

so they decided that in order to cater to these people, they would decorate the station with metrognomes

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Spreading girls's legs is alot like spreading butter

You can do it with a credit card, but it's much easier with a knife

Russia is invading Finland

During the invasion a Russian general and his troops come to a hill.

They hear a voice shouting: "One Fin can beat ten Russians!"

The general laughs about it and sends ten of his troops to go kill whoever is on the other side of the hill. There is alot of noise and shooting and after ...

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I used to think porn stars got paid alot

it turns out they've been getting shafted

My dog used to chase people on a bike alot..

Finally, it got so bad I had to take his bike away.

I heard prisoners in jail get drunk alot

They hang around bars 24/7

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What rhymes with angaina and makes alot of babies?

China. You dirty bastard.

I think Lance is a good name for my new child

But people don’t name their kids Lance-alot these days

my wife is alot like pandora radio

she is always asking me if I am still listening

Woman are alot like square numbers

If there under 13 do them in your head

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What has alot of balls and screws old ladies?

Bingo

Thanks alot Kendrick Lamar!!!

Now whenever I tell my kids to "Sit Down!" when they are acting up in public, they reply with "Be Humble!"

dad, can i have 1 crypto please?

what?

you want $5,47?

what you want to do with $17,56?

do you realize that $200,94 is alot of money?

here $7,32 for you

You can tell alot about a woman by her hands

For instance... If they're around your throat she's probably upset

For pimps, prostitution must be alot like using pawn pieces in chess...

They use them to do their dirty work, in promise that he'll one day make her into a queen.

There are alot of Hillary signs in my neighborhood...

When did she change her last name to 'For Prison'?

I have always hated shopping for clothes because my mom would always hit me alot with a coathanger as a child

Then i was born

Michael Jackson had alot of good songs...

But his best ones were when he was in A Minor

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How a CEO of a big bank showed his ass to the public

One day the bank noticed that a simple man comes and deposits money every day. Sometimes he deposits small Suma like 50$ and some times about 1000$ And this guy has millions of dollars in his account.

One day a Manager at the bank asked the man how does he deposit so much money.

The m...

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Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning…

and his dad was making alot of mistakes. Suddenly his dad screams " bitches and asses!"

Johnny asks what it meant and his dad replied " aunts and uncles" Oh. next thing he hears is “dicks and pussies!” Johnny asks " what’s that mean?" To which his dad replied " uh coats and hats."

Oh...

In my town alot of people are mean...

It's pretty average for them.

The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant

Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop

Edit: thanks for silver gold and front page, it means alot

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Losing my virginity was alot like performing a heart transplant operation.

Someone had to die for it to happen.

What does a tornado and a wife have in common?

They both start with alot of sucking and blowing, then you end up without a roof over your head.

A northern californian sees alot of helicopters in the sky...

...he turns to his friend and says, "Hella Copters"

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I went to my local library to look for a book on small penises

With not alot of luck I decided to ask the librarian - "Have you seen the book about small penises?"

she replied "It isn't in yet"

I said "Yeah, that's the one!"

1000 Pizzas

a guy walk into the pizzaria and ask: hello, do you have 1000 pizzas? the staff tell him: nope. day after he come back to the pizzaria and says: hey do you guys have 1000 pizzas? the staff tell him. sorry no. 1 day after the staff makes 1000 pizza and the guy come and ask: hey. you guys have 1000 pi...

Do you know why you should never trust the Soviet Union?

There is Alot of Red Flags.

There are three types of people in this world

The ones that can count
And the ones who can’t

(This is a dumb joke but ALOT of people don’t get it even after I explain it)

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Am i gay?

While watching movies with my girlfriend i sometimes compliment male actors on their good, and sometimes outrageous good looks. My girlfriend often asks me, since i do this alot, ”are you gay?” and that she’s worried i will leave her for a man. So, am i gay? Or am i just comfortable enough with my s...

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an american history professor decided that he wanted a large mural painted in his home.

he called in a famous artist and explained to him that he wanted him to paint what he thought general Custers last thoughts were during his last stand. he went on holiday and he returned see a mural of a large praying heifer with a halo above its head surrounded by many native americans in erotic se...

Remember in elementary school how they had those motivational posters?

"You'll miss 100% of the shots you don't take"

Now look at us, school shootings every week.

Thanks alot Michael Jordan.

Why are crematoriums so rich?

..Because they urn alot...

A man with no arms applies to be the local church bell squire.

The pastor looks him over and says - Well, we didn't get alot of interest in the posting, so the job is yours, but I'm not sure how you plan on pulling the rope to the bell?
The man climbs up to the church steeple and runs at the bell as fast as he can. BOOOONG! He hits it with his face and it so...

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, " you're in here alot, are you an alcoholic?"

The horse ponders for a moment and responds " I don't think I am" and poof he disappears.

This is where philosophy students begin to snicker because they are familiar with Descartes postulate,
" I think therefore I ...

What did Nikola Tesla say after being shocked by his Tesla Coil?

That hertz alot

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3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact ...

Been getting into snail racing

You know, snail racing!

You draw a small ring inside larger ring and everyone puts their snail inside the small ring and the first snail to reach the outer ring wins!

Been losing alot latley and been trying everything to make my snail faster, even tried taking off his shell.

But...

I always say mucho to my Spanish friends

It means alot to them

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A guy and a girl are on their third date.

They haven't done anything more than kissing and the guy was getting a little bit desperate for action. So after a movie and some food he suggest they take a drive up the mountain to get a view of the city. (and some privacy before taking her home). Up there in the car they start kissing. He makes a...

My moms response time for a slap in the face used to be 1ms

and it hertz alot.

*Staring at a barn full of feed*

Me: That's alot of feed.

Farmer: Yeah. The cattle eat it.

Me: Man.....that's one hungry cat

I use to like origami as a hobby

But i gave up as it was alot of paperwork.

English man irish man and a scotsman

Was all in court and the judge said we find you guilty and we will give you parole in 10 years, but until then i can grant you one thing that you can have in your cell that will be restocked every day until then.

The scots man said, BEER i want lots of beer to help me sleep at night to help w...

A Man...

A Man is stopped by an Old Woman who was holding out seeds and says "take these seeds and you will be on your way to success."
The man takes the seeds and plants them, going to sleep and waking up the next day to find the seeds have sprouted into a gigantic tree. A booking voice rings out from ab...

A Horse goes into a bar...

A horse goes into a bar and orders a pint.

The bartender says "You know, you are in here quite alot. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse says "I don't think I am...." and promptly vanishes from existence.









>!See, this was a famous...

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A Shark and his Son

A shark and his son are swimming around in the water when they see some scuba divers.
The young shark says to his father, " let's go eat them".

The father tells his son, " this is not the way of sharks. First we swim around them three times, then we eat them"

The son asks, " why ...

Why are band students so offensive?

They use alot of slurs...

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A Man was driving down the highway...

When he sees the siren of a police car appear behind him. The police officer pulls the man over and asks for his license and registration, the man, obviously upset, hands the information to the officer, the officer then asks, -Do you know why I pulled you over?-
_
The man knew why. "I understa...

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the...

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Girlfriend got jokes...

My girlfriends jk/comeback/burn on me today.

Back story, we've been busy lately and haven't been physically intimate. I felt feisty this morning and suffice to day our "intamacy" didn't last long.

Her: you have to give up office to chair to my daughter.

Me: why? Its my chair...

What do women and police cars have in common?

They make alot of noise to let you know they're coming.

Paranoids

"You can learn alot about paranoids, just by following them around."

If trump was notified of an alien invasion.

“There’s an alien spacecraft but it’s not on course to earth.”

“Our specialists, they’re very special people, have concluded that this is just an alien spaceship making a simple flyby our solar system”

“The alien ship is getting close to our american soil but there is nothing to worry ...

ENGLISH IS A FUNNY LANGUAGE

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant not ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English fo...

A Guy Proposing To His GF...

She interrupted him and said: but I have one flaw you should be aware of: I fart alot! Like a lot!
He giggled and said it's alright I have a problem with my nose too, I can't smell that well.

After three days of them living together ,
The guy is opening the windows of the apartment, ...

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