UPJOKE
bettermadhya pradeshdslgoodishgoodlycaregiversedhonorablysaintlinessmagickameliorationhapinessbetterishnongoodgoodo

Alot Jokes

As a 6.2 person alot of people wouldask "wow! Your tall! Do you play basketball?"

At some point I started to reply "wow... your short, do you play miniature golf?"

Some asked me if 5 followers was alot

I said depends on your context to be honest you see 5 followers on Facebook is next to nothing but 5 people following you down a dark alley….

Well that’s a lot

What do you call someone who sleeps around and talks alot?

Horchata

I have alot of jokes about unemployed people

But none of them work

I trust my fingers alot!

Because i can count on them..............

Seamus and Murphy wanted to go out drinking like respectable Irishman, but they didn't have alot of money...

Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said to Seamus ‘Hang on my friend, I have an idea.’

He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.

Seamus said ‘Are you crazy Murph? Now we don’t have any money left at all!’...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Women are alot like continents.

At various times in her life, a woman is like the continents of the world. From 13 to 18, she's like Africa- virgin territory. From 18 to 30, she's like Asia- hot and exotic. From 30 to 45, she's like America- fully explored and free with her resources. From 45 to 55, she's like Europe- exhausted, b...

Russia is invading Finland

During the invasion a Russian general and his troops come to a hill.

They hear a voice shouting: "One Fin can beat ten Russians!"

The general laughs about it and sends ten of his troops to go kill whoever is on the other side of the hill. There is alot of noise and shooting and after ...

The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant

Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop

Edit: thanks for silver gold and front page, it means alot

Why does river have alot of money

It has two banks.

My school seems to respect me alot

My report is filled with Fs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Losing my virginity was alot like my first football game.

I got bruised and beat up but atleast my dad came.

Dark humor is alot like food...

not everybody gets it

My crush: You know, you remind me alot of my brother.

[Pulling out]

Me: Excuse me, what?

A relationship is alot like ea games

It starts off great until the microtransactions come in

I know alot of jokes in sign language.

To bad no one has ever heard them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one evening...

The man tells his wife, "I read an article that says humans are the only species where the females can have an orgasm."

"Prove it" She replied flirtatious.

"Well... alright, here goes..."

He walked out and returned a few hours later.

"The sheep didn't, the horse didn't, ...

Eurovision must confuse alot of Americans

Because the one with the most votes wins

Who are Aton, Alot and Heaps?

And why does everyone keep thanking them in meetings, emails and chats?

Alot of people cry when they cut onions

Trick is: Just try not to get too emotionally attached.

I used to know alot of dinosaur jokes

But they're all gone now.

I had this friend named Leonardo. We called him Lee. Anyway, he didn't have alot of money. In fact, he was basically broke...

So one day he stole some bread because he was starving and couldn't buy food. He was caught and sentenced to death. It's really not that funny, but this joke was poor Lee executed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

Politics is alot like driving

D to go forward, R to go backward

Birth is alot like piloting a plane

Sometimes you gotta abort

My dad uses to tell this joke alot

There was once a man named Odd. He was very embarresed by his name and didn't want anyone to know about it. When he died he had no name written on his gravestone.

One day a bunch of tourists came to his town and visited the graveyard where they came across a gravestone with no name on it....

What do you call a guy that talks alot of nonsense?

Bob Loblaw

Thanks alot Kendrick Lamar!!!

Now whenever I tell my kids to "Sit Down!" when they are acting up in public, they reply with "Be Humble!"

Alot of people have been protesting for the climate

They're just afraid of change

What do you call a person from Wisconsin who always has alot to say?

A Milwaukee-Talkie

my wife is alot like pandora radio

she is always asking me if I am still listening

I heard prisoners in jail get drunk alot

They hang around bars 24/7

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Spreading girls's legs is alot like spreading butter

You can do it with a credit card, but it's much easier with a knife

I used to talk alot about hot air baloons.

But now my friends say I can't bring it up.

Woman are alot like square numbers

If there under 13 do them in your head

My dog used to chase people on a bike alot..

Finally, it got so bad I had to take his bike away.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Losing my virginity was alot like how i learned to ride my bike

My Dad having a firm grip on my shoulders.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to think porn stars got paid alot

it turns out they've been getting shafted

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What rhymes with angaina and makes alot of babies?

China. You dirty bastard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW (Actual interaction between my wife and I) Wife: "Doesn't ejaculating alot increase your testosterone and lower your voice?"

Me: "Babe, if ejaculating lowered your voice, I'd have been Barry White by the time we met."

In the year 2020 we will have alot of puns about vision

but at least we saw it coming

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What has alot of balls and screws old ladies?

Bingo

My dad is deaf, blind, has lost alot of skin, never brushes his teeth, and he's probably got worms but wont go to the doctor. How can I help him?

stop digging up his corpse

There are alot of Hillary signs in my neighborhood...

When did she change her last name to 'For Prison'?

You can tell alot about a woman by her hands

For instance... If they're around your throat she's probably upset

so a train station noticed that alot of the passengers where either musicians or gardeners.

so they decided that in order to cater to these people, they would decorate the station with metrognomes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a strange look of satisfaction from alot of dudes coming from that class...

I guess a lot of girls wanted to go down in history.

What do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA?

Alot of dirty looks and kicked out of the petting zoo, apparently.

For pimps, prostitution must be alot like using pawn pieces in chess...

They use them to do their dirty work, in promise that he'll one day make her into a queen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Losing my virginity was alot like performing a heart transplant operation.

Someone had to die for it to happen.

A northern californian sees alot of helicopters in the sky...

...he turns to his friend and says, "Hella Copters"

Did you know the 80's pop band "A Flock of Seagulls" is gaining alot of attention in the middle east? They're getting really popular in Pakistan, Afghanistan

And Iran, I ran so far away!

I have always hated shopping for clothes because my mom would always hit me alot with a coathanger as a child

Then i was born

Bob Barker was dedicated to getting pets spayed and neutered

Say what you want but that took alot of balls

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God asks a guy, would you set in motion a chain of events that will lead to the whole visible universe being destroyed in 1 million years, for 1 trillion dollars? Guy says yes thats alot of money and I've got to live for today.

God pulls out a mountain of cash and swims in it and says, then you'll understand what I did 999,999 years ago.

Three men meet Saint Peter at the Holy Gates......

.......and Saint Peter demands that they recount their deeds in life!

The first man steps up. "I was a doctor," he says. "I could've gone into private practice and made a lot of money, but I preferred to take care of the poor and impoverished. I like to think that I brought happiness into ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Shark and his Son

A shark and his son are swimming around in the water when they see some scuba divers.
The young shark says to his father, " let's go eat them".

The father tells his son, " this is not the way of sharks. First we swim around them three times, then we eat them"

The son asks, " why ...

haha Belgians dumb

The King of Belgian visits the King of the Netherlands and laments that the Dutch people always make fun of the Belgian people. "Can't you just do something rediculously stupid? That way we have something to make fun of you. Just make a bridge in the middle of the desert, that would be so dumb"
<...

What does a fat American and a rich British person have in common?

They have alot of pounds

Why do fps players never use the m1 garand?

They get alot of ping because of it

My moms response time for a slap in the face used to be 1ms

and it hertz alot.

Thank you for telling me the definition of "many".

It means alot.

What does a tornado and a wife have in common?

They both start with alot of sucking and blowing, then you end up without a roof over your head.

Did you know?

Did you know that a sperm cell contains 35.75 MB of data. Making a load contain about 16TB

Yes i know, thats alot of information to swallow.

I went to Disneyland as a kid

But it made alot of the other parents nervous so they made me change

I always say mucho to my Spanish friends

It means alot to them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many grammar mistakes does it take to piss off your English teacher?

not alot.


(Just thought of it, tell me what you think :) )

I think Lance is a good name for my new child

But people don’t name their kids Lance-alot these days

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The fact that there is only a stairway to heaven...

But a highway to hell says alot about anticipated traffic numbers

Physics joke

People always ask me why i like the last row in movie halls.


I just feel like they have alot more potential than the the first row.

Do you know why you should never trust the Soviet Union?

There is Alot of Red Flags.

dad, can i have 1 crypto please?

what?

you want $5,47?

what you want to do with $17,56?

do you realize that $200,94 is alot of money?

here $7,32 for you

What did Nikola Tesla say after being shocked by his Tesla Coil?

That hertz alot

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.