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Grudging Jokes

Putin, Zelensky and Biden are on board a plane.

Suddenly, the plane is losing altitude and they are about to crash. On board there are only two parachutes.


Immediately, Putin snatches a parachute and jumps out to save himself.


Biden takes the remaining parachute and gives it to Zelensky: "Save yourself, my friend. I am m...

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A Chinese general, an American Officer, and a random drunk asshole sit down in a bar and start to brag.

"If all our bombers were to be airborne at once," says the American, "you wouldn't be able to see any part of the sky".

"Hah" boasts the Chinese General, "if all our soldiers were to march at once, you wouldn't be able to see an inch of the ground."

The situation grows tense, and the d...

Two guys are walking down a dark alley

when a mugger approaches them and demand their money.

They both grudgingly pull our their wallets and begin taking out their cash.

Just then, one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Hey, here's that twenty dollars I owe you."

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests.

The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the...

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A vampire bat came flopping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, parked himself on the ceiling of a cave, and prepared to get some sleep.

Pretty soon, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and go get some sleep.

But they persisted, until finally he gave in, grudgingly. “Ok,” he said, “follow me,” and he flew out of the cave with hundreds and hundreds of bats...

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

An elementary teacher wanted to introduce physiological notions to her students.

She asks her class: Whoever feels stupid at times stand up!
After a while, little Johnny stands up, grudgingly.
The teacher asks: So Johnny, you feel stupid from time to time?
Little Johnny replies: No ma’am, it’s just painful to see you standing all alone.

WHO investigators wanted to talk to the Wuhan scientists.

When they arrived to Wuhan Institute of Virology CCP officials informed them that unfortunately all the scientists have died after eating poison mushrooms.



WHO investigators were suspicious so they demanded that they exhume the bodies of dead scientists and check if they really died ...

A Rabbi, a Hindu holy man, and an Alabama Crimson Tide fan are in a car together, but the car breaks down.

Luckily, there's a farm right nearby. The farmer says, "I only got room for two of ya in the house, so one of you's gonna have to sleep in the barn."

The Hindu holy man decides to go, but comes back to the barn because there's a cow in there, and Cows are sacred in his faith.

The Rabb...

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A woman contacts her brother-in-law last minute to ask him to watch her daughter for the day...

The brother-in-law, Tim, grudgingly agrees. He picks the girl up and takes her down to the shoreline where he works.

"Do you know what I do for a living?"

She nods. "You're a fisherman, right?"

"Well, kind of. See, we get a lot of fish around here, and in order to catch as ma...

A giraffe walks into a Californian bar....

And says to the bartender "I'll have a bourbon and coke and 27 straws please, all joined together to make one large straw" the bartender, while perturbed, fulfills the giraffes order. Painstakingly joining all straws together.

The next day the giraffe comes back and orders the same. T...

A man is playing golf.

The first hit he lands on the ball sends it flying into the nearby bushes. He swears and goes to retrieve the ball. After another hit, the ball ends up in the sand pit. "God damn it," says the man grudgingly.

The local pastor, who was taking a stroll nearby, said to him: "Son, you shan't men...

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There are two different types of people...

A rich man and a poor man are talking at a Christmas party. The poor man asks the rich man what he got his wife for Christmas. He said he got her a Mercedes and a diamond ring. "Why did you get her both? " asked the poor man. "So if she doesn't like one she still has the other", he replied. "What di...

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A man is on his way into the pub when a nun steps in front of him...

...and says, "Stop! For the sake of your soul, I implore you!"

The man takes a step back and says, "Can I help you with something, sister? I was just on my way in for a pint."

"A pint?" she asks, "Twenty pints is more like it! You were going in there to get drunk, and drunkenness is a ...

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A New Zealander and an Australian are walking through a paddock

and they come across a sheep stuck with it's head stuck in a fence. The Aussie turns to the Kiwi.

"Do you think we should help him?"

The Kiwi, not one to turn down easy prey, pulls his pants down in one smooth motion and takes the sheep from behind amidst a plethora of protesting bleet...

An old couple are lying in bed one night.

The lady turns to the man and says "I remember when we were young, you used to tell me you loved me". Grudgingly the man replies "Of course I love you". The lady says "And I remember when we were young, you would hold me closely and caress me in your arms". With a sigh, the man puts his arms around ...

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An elderly woman passes, leaving her life-long husband a lonely widower.

As time goes on, his life begins to unravel as he spirals into a pit of despair. This does not go unnoticed by his adult children, who grasp at any opportunity to cheer him up. Finally, one of them convinces him to grudgingly attend an evening game at the local bingo hall, knowing that he'll be in t...

There is a man sitting at the end of the bar with an orange for a head

There is a man sitting at the end of the bar with an orange for a head. Another man, who is new in town walks in and sits down at the other end. After a few minutes he asks the bartender, “Who is that strange man with an orange for a head?”

To which she replies, “I’m not sure but he refuses t...

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A bartender is closing down his bar

A bartender is closing down his bar at the end of the evening. Three men remain hunched over at the bar. Each has been there the whole night and has been drinking heavily, but none of them seem to have the strength or desire to strike up a conversation.

As the bartender cleans the last few g...

An man with no arms walks into a bell tower...

...to apply for a job as the bell-ringer. He finds the proprietor and asks for a job. The proprietor says, "Well, sir, I don't think we'll be able to hire you. You have no arms with which to ring the bell." The man replies , "Sir, please. My father was a bell-ringer, my grandfather was a bell-ringer...

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Sherlock and Watson go camping... (reposted from the intelligent jokes thread)

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are camping in the woods one night during an investigation. As they lay out under the stars, Holmes asks Dr. Watson a question...

"Watson!" Holmes said imperiously. "Look at the stars and tell me what you can deduce." Watson sighed, recognizing one of Holmes' fr...

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Dave is constantly bragging to everyone at work that he knows everyone in the world.

Eventually, his boss has had enough of his shit, and tells Dave to prove it. So, Dave says "sure, name someone, and I'll prove to you that I know them." After a minute of thinking, the boss suggests Tom Cruise, and so off they go to see him.

Once they arrive at Cruise's house, Dave knocks on...

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