What do you call a Irish man bouncing off the walls?

Rick O Shea

Why did Humpty Dumpty push Ms. Humpty Dumpty off the wall?

To see her crack.

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The woman tells her husband: "the clock fell off the wall and almost hit my mother in the head".

The husband replies: "Shitty clock, always late!".

TIL when musicians perform on stage, the sound bounces around the room off the walls, however, when a pigeon performs on stage, the sound does not bounce. This is because...

...a coo sticks.

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My wife went out today, so I had my hands full watching our daughter. She's kind of a whirling dervish, running around, bouncing off the walls, when suddenly, she stopped to play with my computer, broke the R button and tried to eat it...

She craves anarchy...

There was a blind irishman who didn't use a stick, he navigated by simply bouncing off the walls until he got where he needed.

They called him Rick O'Shea

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Heard my neighbours shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall......turns out her elderly mother had fallen and cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her walking stick for help.....

feel a bit guilty about the wank now.

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A woman reads an article about vaginas expanding as you age, and how to check yourself. She heads to the bathroom, takes the mirror off the wall, puts it on the floor and crouches over it....

Her husband walks down the hall, sees the scene through the door and rushes in and pushes his wife into the bath.
"What the fuck!?! You could have broken my arm!"
"Your arm?? If you'd fallen down that you would've broken your fucking neck!!"

A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus.

He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play.

One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.

The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right ...

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This is a traditional Scottish joke. I heard it from my dad, he heard it from his dad, and he had it shouted at him by a guy called Johnny Glue-bag

There was once a Russian wrestler with the stage name Ivan the Terrible. His name was well earned for every man who stepped into the ring with him would be killed. He had two infamous moves: the half pretzel which would cripple you for life and the full pretzel which would break your neck and kill y...

It's my cake day today, so I'll give you one of my favourite jokes.

What do you call an Irish man bouncing off the walls?


Rick O Shea

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. While sipping his whiskey he notices a small, gilded box at the end of the bar and inquires about it to the bartender. "You're not quite drunk enough, my friend."

The man thinks it odd but continues to drink. Two more whiskeys later he asks again. "...

Told by a 5 year old boy live on local radio: Why did Mr humpty dumpy push Mrs humpty dumpy off the wall?

.....So he could see her crack....

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote: ”I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years.”“In all that tim...

An old granny and her grand daughter are chatting about granpa

-Did you love him, granma?
-Oh yes, i loved him so much. He was all my life, even tough he was so lazy.
-How come?
-You see, everytime there was something not working, he would never do anything about It. "Al, the sink Is broken." "Do i look like a plumber?" He would reply. "Hon, a brick fe...

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A man walks into a hardware store...

you know the type, the independent store that barely survives and sells EVERYTHING, but rarely has a customer, how they are still trading is a miracle. Anyway, the man approaches the counter and asks the shopkeeper "I need a budgie file".

"A budgie file?" The shopkeeper muses out-loud, "not h...

Friar's Flower Shop

Two brothers, Joey and Jimmy Bagadonuts, owned a flower shop in a small town in New Jersey, and business was great. They were the only game in town, until one day, two friars moved in across the street and opened their own flower shop. Having higher quality flowers, as well as the religious aspect, ...

One rainy, windy night, a man was walking home alone, down a dark, deserted street that ran right by the local cemetery.

As he passed the gates, he heard a bump in the darkness behind him. Not daring to look back, he quickened his pace. But, the bumping noise continued behind him.He stopped and turned to see what it was. Coming down the road behind him was a coffin, standing on end, bumping from side to side -

...

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A woman goes to her new gynaecologist and he says "My, what a big vagina you have!..."

"what did you say?" she replies


"Why it's the biggest I've ever seen!"


She stands up, slaps him around the face, storms out of the office, drives home, grabs the big mirror off the wall, sets it on the ground, pulls down her underwear and stands over to see for herself. ...

What a horrible way to die

Two guys meet up in a bar.

The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb,...

Didja ever notice...

When someone is on stage, their voice bounces off the walls and stuff to be heard easily by the audience, but if there's a pigeon on stage you can't really hear it at all? I found out why...

A coo sticks

What's the difference between a physicist and an engineer?

An engineer and a physicist are roommates. One day a fire starts in the kitchen. The engineer is the only one home. He hears the alarm jumps out of bed grabs the fire extinguisher off the wall and puts out the fire and goes back to bed.

The next night a fire starts in the kitchen again. ...

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Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West.

(This was in the days when the Wild West meant Texas and Arizona, with indians, outlaws,
tornados and droughts-not the current situation, where the Wild West means California and you have to brave hottubs, mellowspeak, fires and
earthquakes. That is, it was a simpler time.)

So, Fred fou...

The Vans brand has a really checkered past.

Sorry if this was Off the Wall.

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This kid loves tractors and it’s his favourite thing in the world.

He has everything relating to tractors, bed sheets, toys and posters, the lot. He would always talk about them every moment he possibly could.

Anyways his dad for his 8th birthday he takes his son to the farmers market. The kid was in his element, he sees every possible tractor he could imag...

A man walks into an art museum...

...saunters past a guard and rips a painting off the wall with his bare hands. The guards attempt to stop him as he runs out of the museum, but he is too quick and acrobatic and evades all of their efforts. Just out the museum doors, he hops into the back of a white van that begins speeding away wit...

Two of my favorite jokes by my favorite comedian

"Me and girlfriend..... we’re not together anymore. She's got a new boyfriend now. They just moved in together. Actually, I’ve heard rumors that he's abusive, which kinda makes me want to go over there with a baseball bat...... and then blame it on her boyfriend."

"My girlfriend has the great...

[Long] A man goes to prison.

As he sits on his cot wondering how to pass the time, he hears an inmate down the hall shout "59" followed by groans from the other inmates.

He thought that was odd, but then someone else timidly calls out "43", followed by more groaning.

"What's going on?" he asks his cellmate.
...

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A guy gets a job as a lumberjack

He's in a logging camp in the middle of nowhere and everything is going great. After a couple of weeks he's talking to his foreman when he says, "I notice there's no women around for miles, what do you guys do to satisfy your needs?" The foreman hands him a map and tells him to follow this to the bi...

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Michael Jackson goes to the Sperm Bank

Michael Jackson asked what he was supposed to do in there, and they told him to just Beat It, and Don't Stop til you Get Enough.

They asked him afterwards what it was like to jerk off in a cup, and he said it was a Thriller.

Everyone thought it was strange that he didn't have any porno...

There are these three older gentlemen in their club....

...somewhere in the West End of London, and it's the late 1920s or so. They're sitting in the Chesterfield armchairs, drinking their beakers of port, smoking cigars, and generally chatting about life, and the conversation circles round to the great inevitable, and they start to wonder how they want...

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[NSFW] Three women are in an elevator.

One with black hair, a brunette and a blonde.

The girl with black hair notices an odd stain on the wall, walks up to it, stares at it for a moment, lifts her glasses to get a closer look and says:

“I think this is a cumstain”

This catches the brunette's attention so she goes in ...

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A man goes to a tournament in Japan for short sword demonstration

They are demonstrating their skills in short sword handling. They win three prizes.


The man went up to the guy who won third prize and said "Excuse me sir, but what did you do to win third prize in short sword?"

He said "Very simple, you see fly on the wall? Watch!" *Puff* the fly ...

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So this guy goes to a Chinese restaurant on his own for a meal...

...and he is served by the most beautiful Chinese woman he has ever seen in is life. She's gorgeous, funny, and they really get on. When he's finished his meal she suggests he has a couple of drinks and hangs around til the end of her shift, then they go on to a club. They talk & talk & laug...

A man's wife has been getting onto him for drinking so much...

...but he decides to go out to the bar--just one last time--anyway. As it's his last there, he drinks excessively and gets even more plastered than usual.

The next morning, he wakes up in his own bed not really sure how he got there. Before opening his eyes, he starts imagining how infuriate...

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Drunk farmer

It's late at night and the drunk farmer comes into the house after a long day of work and a trip to the local pub. He stumbles home and enters his house. His wife is already fast asleep in their bedroom. The drunk farmer stumbles in abruptly, banging off the walls and knocking his wife's trinkets ov...

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A guy walks into a bar...

Guy walks into a bar tells the bartender "pour me a drink"
The bartender pours him a drink
Then the guy says "you know what? Pour everyone else in here a drink"
Bartender pours everyone a drink
Then the guy says "Bartender pour yourself a drink"
Bartender pours himself a drink and c...

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An interuptted joke from Curb your Enthusiasm season 9...

In honour of the announcement of a new season of Curb I was watching season 9 and in episode three Larry starts telling the following joke but gets interrupted by Suzie. I found it in its full form and thought I'd share it..

Mrs. Johnson goes to a brand-new gynecologist. He examines her.
H...

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A skinny white guy meets his cell-mate for the first time...

Who happens to be a seven and a half foot monster of a black man.
As soon as the guards lock the cell and leave the black man stands up and unzips his trousers. There's a dull thud as his massive cock hits the floor.

He swings it one way, smashing the sink off the wall. He swings it the ot...

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Voodoo Dildo

A woman had just recently been separated from her longtime boyfriend. After a week went by she was getting horny, so she stuck her hand down her pants and starting fapping on the couch. She tried to get off but just could not with her hand. Frustrated and unable to sleep she decided to go the t...

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Your momma's so fat...

Her picture fell off the wall

She wears a 3 piece bikini

There are smaller fat women orbiting her

Her tampons come equipped with On Star

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