UPJOKE

Faster Than Jokes

What is faster than a calculator?

A Calcu-now.

When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat

Is a warm toilet seat

A shark could swim faster than me

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would be all come down to who is the better cyclist.

A New Strain Spreading Faster Than COVID

Scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are threatening the ability of Earth to sustain life, a sobering new study reports.

Scientists warn that a virulent strain of humans are virtually immune to any form of verifiable knowledge, leaving researchers at a...

Tuna must age about five times faster than humans.

This is supported by the fact that tuna half-hours are equal to 150 minutes.

Bartender says "we don't serve particles moving faster than the speed of light"

A tachyon walks into a war

If light travels faster than the speed of sound

How come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an Alabama girl who can run faster than her brothers?

A virgin.

Do you know what collapses faster than my life?

the Afghanistan government

"We don't allow faster than light neutrinos here" said the bartender.

A neutrino walked into a bar.

Why are cars faster than motorcycles?

Because motorcycles are two tired.

I make clothes faster than anyone

Call me Tailor Swift

TIL, Hippos can run faster than humans on land and swimmer faster in water

But still you can defeat them in a triathlon as they don't know how to ride a bicycle

How do you know if hot is faster than cold?

Because you can catch a cold.

A blonde was driving faster than the speed limit in her new red car.

A blonde was driving faster than the speed limit in her new red car. A police officer, who was also a blonde, asked for the blondes license.

The blonde searches through her purse and gets more frustrated when she finally asks the officer "what does it look like?"

The officer says "it...

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A man is jogging in a park one day when he sees a 90+ y/o woman jogging faster than most people in the park.

She had frail white hair, weary eyes, freckles all over, and her face seemed hollow and bony. She looked quite thin, and was losing hair. He walks over to her, and says, "I noticed you jogging, and i must say, I'm quite impressed you've maintained yourself so well as to jog. Might i ask what's you s...

A kid said he could run faster than a bullet.

His friend asked "How? You can barely run a block."

"It's simple, bullets don't run."

My jokes travel faster than light.

I bet you didn't c that coming.

A cop stops a Harley for travelling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name

'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a
break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then
presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that h...

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Superman is out flying and sees wonder woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight

He thinks to himself that as he is faster than a speeding bullet he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down fucks her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soo...

Why are French snails faster than snails from other countries?

L’ess cargo.

Why do we live in a society where pizza arrives faster than police do?

Because the pizza guy has consequences for not doing his job correctly.

"Oh damn, shots fired!"

But not by the pizza guy.

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Who gets married faster than anyone else?

Two horny christians.

Who's faster than Christopher Walken?

Christopher Runnen

Who's slower?

Christopher Crawlen

What runs faster than a burglar with a TV?

His cousin with the DVD

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband said he could watch porn faster than his wife

But she beat him to it

What's faster than the speed of light?

The speed of *how fast my wife jumps to conclusions*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know how you can tell that women mature faster than men?

Men don't grow boobs until they turn 40.

(Credit goes to the old guy who made me chuckle today at work)

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Nothing ruins sex with a monkey faster than...

Remembering you work in an AIDS research lab.

Only thing that spreads faster than COVID

among the elderly is good morning msgs.

Navy jet pilot: This is it! We’re flying faster than the speed of sound!

Copilot: What?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats faster than a speeding bullet?

A Jew with a coupon

We were travelling far far away in space. Moving through time faster than the universe itself.

But i still got a traffic ticket in the mail.

What is faster than a missle but slower than atranqilizer dart?

Sonic the real one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three vampires are having a competition to find out who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The first one says, “Watch this,"


  
He flies fast, at about 100 miles/hour. After 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.


 

“What happened?" asked the other vampires.


  


“Did you see that house over there?" he inquired....

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What's faster than your butthole closing after taking a shit?

The single drop of water that always makes its way in.

Donald Trump's speeches can travel faster than the speed of light

Cuz they contain no information

Eating on a train is way faster than eating normally

You only have to chew twice

Why can the Tesla cybertruck go faster than a Porsche 911?

It renders faster

What's the danger of power walking faster than everyone else?

You might start power tripping.

If nothing is faster than the speed of light

Why did I see that Asian lady turn before I saw her blinker

Superman: "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, and more powerful than a locomotive"

Batman: "I fight a penguin and a really persistent clown"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's faster than a black man with your TV?

His son with your DVD player!

I mean no racism in this joke*

What swims slightly faster than a shark?

The Little Mermaid on her period.

Einstein says that anything with mass can't go faster than the speed of light, but...

What if you aren't Catholic?

What's faster than a black guy running with a stolen T.V.?

His brother with the DVR

What do you get when you chop firewood faster than you can stack it?

A backlog.

Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.

Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey."

So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael.

Some time later, Sister Patrick...

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

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What do you call women who are faster than me?

Virgins.

Sorry if it's a repost, I'm fairly new here.

Sea lions can run and swim faster than humans

Which means when you compete against one in a triathlon you really need to make up time on the cycling.

My car can speed faster than bullets, drive under water and knock down evil like bowling pins.

It's a Porsche to be reckoned with

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother thought his donkey was faster than my new 4 wheeler.

Is he crazy? Literally got his ass beat

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman...

He was always to scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship. One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment. He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off. She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was squirming around,...

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