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All Time Jokes

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Easily my favorite joke of all time: Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

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NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

Funniest joke of all time...according to Wikipedia...thought I share.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he'...

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My favorite blond joke of all time...

So two blondes were analyzing some tracks. The first one insisted they were rabbit prints, while the second blond was certain they were made by a raccoon. Back and forth they argued, rabbit tracks, raccoon tracks, rabbit tracks. Then they got hit by a train.

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My favorite joke of all time.

Guy walks into a bar, sits down next to a lady who'd obviously been there for a bit. After a while they start talking and the conversation eventually turns to relationships. He says, "I'm actually here tonight because my girlfriend just left me - she thought I was too kinky in bed." Her eyes light u...

Putin decreed that all time zones in Russia be unified.

After this had occurred, the Prime Minister approached him.

*"Dearest Putin, I had a problem. I called my relatives in the east to wish them good night, and they told me they were on the beach enjoying the sun."*

*"And then I called my family in Kaliningrad to wish them a happy holiday...

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is at all times?

A widow

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Each year I eagerly anticipate this day so I can share my favorite Dad Joke of all time:

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This wo...

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Do you know why Ms. Pac-man is considered the greatest prostitute of all time?

Because for 25 cents she'll eat balls until she dies!

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Dirty Johnny: Greatest Joke of all time by Norm MacDonald

In school there was a fella named Dirty Johnny. He was always a trouble maker the teachers never liked him. One day in class the teacher is doing a thing we’re the kids raise their hands to tell a story and then say what the moral is of that story. So a girl raises her hand

The teacher says ...

The scariest book of all time!! [LONG]

There once lived an author named Mr. Troller. He was infamous as the writer of the scariest book ever. Only three people ever bought his book and after reading his book , all the three guys passed away . The reason nobody bought his book was because it was damn expensive ($150,000) and nobody wanted...

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'Reincarnation' - My favourite joke of all time

Dave comes home from the pub, drunkest he's been in a long time, and collapses into bed next to his sleeping wife. Later, he's woken by a brilliant flash of light at the end of his bed, which his still sleeping wife seems oblivious to. St. Peter appears in all his glory, standing over the two of t...

What is the greatest lie of all time?

"I have read and accepted the terms and conditions."

Hands down, Pele was the greatest football player of all time.

Hands up, he'd be thrown out of the game as that's against the rules.

Who's the greatest boxer of all time?

Jim Jones, he knocked out 900 people with one punch.

This is my all time favorite joke

Old man: I love my job

Young boy: all you do is round up sheep

Old man: what did you say to me?

Young boy: you herd

My favorite bumper sticker of all time

I still miss my ex.......but my aim is improving.

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A redditor is searching for the funniest joke of all time, so he subscribes to r/jokes.

After a short while, and a few small chuckles, he realises he's reading the same shit over and over again, post after post.

"I'm never going to find a real joke", he thinks.

He sighs and tilts his head in dismay. Looking down he starts to read the thread and it hits him...

For my cake day, I'd like to share my favorite joke of all time.

Three guys were walking down the street.

Two of them walked into a bar.

The third guy ducked.

Who's the most famous blacksmith of all time?

Will Smith

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Which character is the gayest video game character of all time?

Pacman — who eats 200 balls each game.

Yeah I carry a gun on me at all times

You have to these days ... because you never know when some psychopath is gonna come up to you and say ...

..."you're fired."

\-Dave Attel

OBGYN turns car mechanic (probably my favorite joke of all times)

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided a career change was in order. Being an automotive enthusiast, he felt he should become a car mechanic.
He read and studied hard, and then came the day of the official exam.
Scores range between 40 and 100, where 60 is enough to pass the ex...

My all time favorite: How do you catch a polar bear?

You cut a hole in the ice and line it with frozen peas. Then when the bear goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.

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My (second) favorite joke of all time (sorry if repost)

So two guys are walking their dogs one day, one has a German Shepherd the other has a Chihuahua. They pass by a bar and the guy with the German Shepherd turns to the guy with the Chihuahua and asks if he wants to go in for a drink. The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You're crazy, they'll never let do...

If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi show of all time is Dr. Who.

If I’m being objective, it’s Dr. Whom.

My all time favorite joke. American/Russian dog fight

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the...

Marvel just did the most risky marketing move of all time.

Announcing “Avengers: Secret Wars” to the public kind of defeats the purpose.

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Forgive me, but my favorite all time joke is.

Little Johnny's curious so he asks his mom, "mom, what's a pussy?"

She gets mad and asks him where he heard that word.

J: "The boys at school were saying it"

M: "Well don't let me catch you repeating it but a pussy is a cat."

J: "What's a bitch?"

M: " Them bo...

My favorite joke of all time.

One day a priest, rabbi, and atheist walk in to a bar and sit down. The bartender comes up to them and asks, "Hey are you guys part of a joke?" To which they respond affirmatively. "Get out," the bartender said, "I don't serve jokes in here," and they did.


The next day a horse clops in ...

Volodymyr Zelenskyy is the greatest comedian of all time.

He even turned Vladimir Putin into a joke.

I have ranked the greatest musicians of all time in order:

Nelly

Erika Badu

Vanilla Ice

Eminem

Rhianna




Green Day

Oasis

Nirvana

Nine inch Nails

Aerosmith



George Strait

Ilene Woods

Vince Gill

Enya



Yoko ono

Otis Redding

U...

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Rabbi Eliezer was the most brilliant Rabbi of all time...

Nevertheless, his fellow Rabbis would often disagree with his opinions, leading to lengthy philosophical and theological debates.

During one debate on the subject of the legal minutiae of a religious ritual he found himself at odds with three of his colleagues. While everyone recognized that ...

I would say the NFL football team from Detroit is the greatest football team of all time

But I’d be Lion.

I told my wife that Will Smith is the best actor/rapper of all time.

She said that’s Ludacris

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One of my favorite older dark jokes of all time

*this joke is probably one of the oldest and most famous dark jokes ever but it's by far one of the best ones I've ever heard

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" a...

My father was the best clown of all time.

When he died, all his friends came to his funeral in one car.

My all time favorite lawyer joke.

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW full of lawyers?

A: The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What was the most unexpected summer hit of all time?

DES...





PA....




-nish Inquisition

Marie Curie is my favorite scientist of all time.

She was absolutely radiant.

Favorite joke of all time

What does Geronimo yell when he jumps out of an airplane.



Meeeeeee!

What did the banker say when he heard inflation was at an all time high?

That really peaks my interest

What is the most groundbreaking invention of all time?

The shovel

Equality is at an all time high thanks to Coronavirus.

Everyone is equally fed up.

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Funniest Joke of All Time (dirty)

A good friend shared this with me and I'll try my best to do it justice in writing: If oral sex makes your day, what does anal sex do?

It makes your hole weak (whole week)

We now have a standing joke that when we really like something, we say it makes our hole weak. Lol

The biggest coincidence of all time

has to be that Lou Gehrig died of Lou Gehrig's disease.

Columbus,Marco Polo etc,are not the bravest explorers of all time.

Its the Internet Explorer.

It is brave enough to ask to be my default browser.

Did you know in 1998 Titanic overtook Jurassic Park to become the highest grossing film of all time?

I guess the Titanic can’t survive an iceberg but it can beat a Spielberg.

My wife said she thinks Charlie Chaplin is one of the greatest comedians of all time.

I told her I'm not really sure about that, since I've never heard any of his work.

I just watched the cheesiest movies of all time.

3: The Havarti Boys


2: Goudafellas


And my all time favorite cheesy movie


1: The Guns of Provolone

I just recieved the worst gift of all time...

.. A Bonnie Tyler sat nav. Keeps on telling me to “turn around”

And every now and then it falls apart.

Still, not as bad as the U2 one, where the streets have no names, and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

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My mum's all time favourite

A bear really had to take a shit in the woods a few minutes later a rabbit ran by, the bear stopped to talk to him and he asked the rabbit "does shit stick to your fur" the rabbit replied "no" so he wiped his ass with the rabbit

The greatest merger of all time

It was announced today that YouTube, Facebook and Twitter will all be merging.

The new name will be YouTwitFace

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Hitler eventually proved his art school Teachers wrong , and DID become one of the greatest painters of all time...

It's just the he painted an underground bunker with his brains.

Someone told me that Avatar is the highest grossing film of all time.

I know some parts are a bit unpleasant, but it’s not that disgusting.

Attendance at my monthly introvert meetup is it an all time high...

It's just that I feel like we're attracting the wrong crowd.

What is the fastest dying meme of all time?

Anti-vax children

Who was the smartest conqueror of all time?

Genius Khan

Who was the worst U.S. President of all time?

Hoover, his administration really sucked.

What’s the greatest fandom of all time?

Religion.

What is the most grossing film of all time?

Two girls one cup.

Best films of all time Lord of the rings and the Hobbit trilogies...

Now that's what I'm Tolkien about.

60+ days off work, gas prices at an all time low, $1200... I know who I'm voting for...

Coronavirus for president!

Ok, so this might be the worst joke of all time

So it all started the day I was born...

My all time favorite joke.

There was once a man who had a wife. Every morning when the man woke up, he would let out a massive amount of gas for as long and as loud as he could. After this issue persisted for a long time, the mans wife began to get very angry at him. She would constantly say, "You're going to blow your guts o...

I sorted by top of all time and copied and pasted the best joke here

I was just about to hit submit and a tow truck came along and hitched onto the back of my car. I jumped out and screamed, *Why are you towing my car?* The tow driver just stared back at me with this dead look in his eye, not saying a thing. *At least tell me where you're bringing my car*, I begged. ...

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