Ethel Jokes - 45 Hilarious Ethel Jokes

There was a man named Walter and his Wife Ethel

Walter took Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Finally, they went...

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Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench.

Ethel said, “You know, Mabel, I’ve been reading this ‘Sex and Marriage’ book and all they talk about is ‘mutual orgasm.’

“Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm’ there. That’s all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have a mutual orgasm?”.

Mabel...

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Ethel and Ben are neighbors in a nursing home...

One day, they're sitting in the TV room and Ethyl says, "Ben, I bet I can tell you how old you are if I feel your private parts for just half a minute."
"Hee hee. Even a doctor couldn't do that but you're welcome to try," he replies, unbuttoning his trousers. She leans over and gives his tackle a...

Ethel was visiting her friend Martha at her home for the first time.

Ethel exclaimed "You have such a beautiful home, Martha. I especially like those 3 fancy vases on your mantle."

Martha replied "Those aren't vases, they're urns... this one is my first husband Bill, this one is my second husband Jim, and that one is my third husband Ted"

Ethel replied...

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Ethel

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually j...

A married couple goes to the fair...

The couple is in their 40's and haven't been in about 20 years, since before they got married. The husband sees a sign that reads "Helicopter Rides: $50". He then turns to his wife and says, "Ethel, let's ride the helicopter. I've always wanted to ride a helicopter, I think it'd be romantic. We can ...

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Harold in the Nursing Home. This is my grandma's favourite joke.

Disclaimer: I just heard this joke today, so I apologize if this is old news for some of you.

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One even...

Union Dues

A union boss at a convention in Las Vegas decides to visit a brothel. He asks the madam, "Is this a union house?" "No, I'm sorry, it isn't," she says. "Well, if I pay $100, what do the girls get?" he asks. "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20." Offended by such unfair dealings, the man stomps o...

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NSFW An upset older gentleman calls his doctor. "Doctor Smith," it's Harold Renquist." "How can I help you today, Harold?" "Doctor, it's my wife of 42 years, Ethel. I think she's dead." "What do you mean you "think" she's dead?" asked the doctor.

"Well," said Harold, "the sex is the same but the dishes are piling up in the sink”

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Harold and Ethel had been happily married for years, except for one quirk

Every morning when Harold woke up, he would announce his consciousness to Ethel in the form of a great trumpeting fart, the kind that make the covers billow. This annoyed Ethel, and she'd taken to telling him, "Dammit Harold, one of these days you are going to shit your guts out." Harold would alw...

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At the movies

2 old women, Martha and Ethel, go to the theater. After watching the movie for a while, Martha nudges Ethel and whispers," Ethel, the man next to me is masturbating". Ethel whispers back,"Just ignore him Martha".

Martha replies," I can't ignore him. He's using my hand".

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Every day after dessert, Marvin and Ethel meet in their spot at the back of the nursing home and they start to kiss.

Progressively, their kissing gets more and more intense. And since Marvin is a very desirable man among the other elderly ladies, Ethel has to make their sessions interesting so he doesn’t leave her. So, every day Ethel will slide her hand down Marvin’s torso and grab his penis and she will leave he...

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Berta and Ethel are two older ladies who were outside smoking cigarettes when it starts rain.

Berta reaches into her purse and pulls out a condom with the tip cut off. She slides the condom over the cigarette and resumes smoking. "What are you doing?" asks Ethel. "Oh, this?" replies Berta, "I always carry a condom to put on my cigarettes when it starts to rain."

Thinking this is ...

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.

Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm so glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hear...

An old lady is looking to buy a condom...

At a nursing home, two elderly women, Ethel and Vivian, are smoking outside on their balcony.

It starts raining, and Ethel pulls a thin rubber tube out of her purse and carefully slips it over the lit end of her cigarette.

“What is that?” Vivian asks her.

“A condom. I just sn...

Dixon Hormuz and Rosie Highman watch the sunset every day at the lakeside pier by their nursing home….

Everyday for 10 years running they sit on a bench while Rosie reaches down into Dixon’s pants and loving holds his retired baby maker in her hands while they watch the beautiful sunset glistening off the still lake.

One day, Dixon doesn’t come to pick her up at dusk. She fears the worst and ...

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Smokin’ Old Ladies

Two ladies in their 80s, best friends Ethel and Delores, are smoking while enjoying each other’s company.

“Delores,” Ethel starts, “how do smoke regularly but your lips never chap or crack?”

“Well, I use these,” Delores responds as she pulls out a condom. She then cuts the tip of the c...

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My Fathers favourite old-timer joke to honour him.

An elderly woman hadn’t been to the doctor in a very long time. Her husband said to his wife that she should make an appointment for a check up. She made the appointment and went to the doctor. Afterwards, she came home and the husband asked what the doctor said. She replied that the doctor needed a...

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A circus is in town, famed for it's lion tamer

The evening is unfolding and the anticipated act is upon the audience.

Rings of fire and whips cracking. For the final act the lion tamer climbs up on a pedestal, unzips his pants to pull out his member. The largest and most ferocious lion opens its maw on command. The lion tamer places his e...

Chicken joke

Farmer wants to go to the movies, but they won't let him bring in his pet chicken. He goes around the corner, stuffs the chicken down his pants,goes in and sits down next to two old ladies, Ethel and Ruth.

After the movie starts, Ruth leans over to Ethel and says,"this man next to me just un...

What's she got that I don't?

Ol' Ed and his neighbor Ethel are both 75 years old and have lost their partners years ago. They enjoy spending time together every Friday evening rocking on Ethel's back porch swing, talking and watching the sunset. As soon as the sun goes down Ethel unzips Ed and gently holds his member in her ha...

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Hearing Problems

Grandpa goes to the doctor complaining of hearing problems. The doctor looks in his ear, grabs his forceps and pulls out a suppository. A light goes on in Grandpa's mind. He picks up his cell phone and calls his wife. "Ethel? I think I know what happened to my hearing aid."

$5 is 5$

A elderly couple are walking down a country road one day and they see a man standing next to a plane with a sign that says "Plane Rides $5"

The old woman looks at her husband and says "Earl, let's go up in the plane"

Earl replies "Ethel $5 is $5, maybe next time."

And on they...

An elderly married couple goes to the state fair...

They've been going to this fair since the fifties. Some time in the late sixties-early seventies the fair started offering helicopter rides.

Year after year, Ethel would ask Lester "Honey, can we go on a helicopter ride?"

Being brought up during the Great Depression his reply was alway...

$50

Ethel and Ernie had been married over 40 years and a fair had come to town which offered a helicopter ride. Ernie really wanted to ride the helicopter and so they went and upon getting there Ethel told Ernie he couldn’t go because the ride cost $50. Ernie pleaded with his wife and she kept refusing ...

2 old ladies in a cafe

Ethel : " Did you come on the bus?"

Doris: "Yes!! but I made it look like an asthma attack. "

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Two elderly women are standing outside having a cigarette when it begins to rain

The first elderly woman, Fran, pulls out a condom with a hole cut out of the tip and puts it on her cigarette.

The second woman, Ethel, sees this and asks Fran what she’s doing. Fran explains that the condom keeps the cigarette dry from the rain.

The next day Ethel goes to the drug sto...

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A woman hasnt had sex in a long time (LONG)

A woman, named Ethel and in her 30's, is out with her girlfriends at a bar. Eventually, talk turns to sex and there are some laughs and sly whispers. Except Ethel starts silently crying.

Her girlfriends ask what is wrong.

"I haven't had sex in more than three years!", Ethel sobs.
...

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Four 'Older' ladies are sitting in the tearoom of an exclusive country club, discussing their families.

Marjorie Puts down her tea and says "I am so proud of my son. He's a respected heart Surgeon. Just last month he performed a transplant on a famous billionaire and, In gratitude, the gentleman gave him a new Porsche sports car"

Mildred addresses her companions. "Of course, I am also very prou...

A joke about old ladies undies:

Rose's are red

Violet's are blue

Ethel's are green

~ Lee Mack

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There were two elderly people living in a nursing home...

Let's call them Fred and Ethel. Now both Fred and Ethel were widowers and got quite lonely. They would just go about their day, seemingly down all the time because their companion was no longer with them. Both of them would just stare vacantly at the tv watching reruns of older shows. One day, Fred...

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Well isn't that nice.

Two old southern ladies, Ethel and Edith, are sitting in rocking chairs on a porch. Ethel says, "When I married my husband, he bought me this here rocking chair."

Edith says, "Well isn't that nice."

They rock in silence for a moment, then Ethel says, "And when I had my first child,...

The Night Light

A 90 year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixe...

Two crows that are husband and wife are home when

The phone rings. Ethel answers, hello? Hey Ethel Bob home. Yeah hang on. Hey Bob! Yeah? Phone caw!

Three spinsters went on safari...

and they came upon a huge gorilla. The gorilla grabs one of the women and runs off into the jungle. The other two patiently track the gorilla for three days, until they come to his lair. Ethel, the victim, is horribly bruised and scratched, without a stitch of clothing. Wilma and Blanche quickly...

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An old married couple were sitting on the porch enjoying the sunset.

The old woman suddenly turned to her husband and smacked him across his face.

The old man was shocked. "Now why the hell you'd do that for, Ethel?"

"That was for forty years of bad sex," she said smugly.

A couple minutes passed and then the old man turned to his wife and sla...

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In town and all alone!!!

Ethel checked into a motel on her 65th birthday. She was lonely and a little depressed at her advancing age. So she decided to risk an adventure. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages”.

She looked through the phone bo...

Me elderly couple joke

An elderly couple are sitting out on their porch. Norman says to his lovely wife, "Ethel, I have to come clean with you. In all the years we were married, I was unfaithful to you one time. I'm sorry my dear, I love you forever, can you forgive me?"

Ethel goes into the house and quickly comes ...

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Tourists in Australia

George and Ethel retired, and decided to take a vacation in Australia and see the Outback. While driving through the Outback, they came over a hill, and on the side of the road was a bushman having sex with a kangaroo. George quickly shielded his wife's eyes while they drove by.

A few miles...

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An older lady complained to her bridge club

about the lack of sex in her marriage. Another of the ladies suggested she try yoga claiming her husband got hot and bothered when she got out her yoga clothes. After a few sessions she thought she was ready and while hubby was in the bathroom she started to get into a lotus position but unfortunate...

An old man and his wife go to the fair...

*Sorry for long post, but it's worth it*

They come across a stunt helicopter ride. The old man watches in awe as this helicopter does flips and various other tricks.
"I'd love to go do that!" Says the man.
"But dear," says his wife "it's $50 and I want our retirement money to last"
...

I call this poem Old Women's Knickers

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Ethels are green

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2 aliens go to a gas station

Alien 1 says to a gas pump "TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER"
Alien 2 warns the other alien "hey watch out dude he seems like a badass"
Alien 1 says "NONSENSE, TAKE ME YOUR LEADER NOW OR DIE"
Alien 1 then shoots the gas pump and there is a huge explosion knocking them both down
Alien 1 asks "how ...

An elderly couple died in a car crash

They had been in excellent health for years through taking regular exercise and also because the wife was obsessed with eating health foods, keeping a strict watch on both of their diets.

So when St Peter welcomed them to Heaven, they were keen to take advantage of the first-class relaxation ...

(OC) Once, back the days of dragons...

Once back in the days of knights and dragons there was a mountain to which people would travel from leagues around.

At the summit of this mountain was a magic cradle which would heal the illness of any child placed in it, but only if the child's parent would then roll up into a ball and tumbl...

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