UPJOKE

Door Lock Jokes

I went to a store that sells door locks for little people.

Low key, it was pretty nice.

Got home unannounced from college to find my parents had taken a vacation and not left the keys behind. Not a problem though, all I’ve got to do is talk to the door lock...

... because communication is key

If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be screwed! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code...

...they'd even know my birth year!

I'm writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced.

There’s a lovely key change at the end.

Sisters

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says, 'Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 15 mi.’

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.

Soon, he sees another sign tha...

Lessons learned over time:

(In no particular order, and yes - I am a nerd)

1) the problem is always in the last thing that you check.

2) always do the network card driver update AFTER everything else.

3) it's probably the cable that's causing the problem.

4) if you think that you've made things ...

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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism.

Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government.

We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people....

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I've been watching so much porn lately…

I've started spitting on my front door lock before I put the key in…

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A patient talks to his therapist after a suicide attempt

"So Greg, I've been informed that you attempted suicide the other day. Is this correct?" asks the therapist.

"Yes, it is unfortunately true. My wife decided to divorce me and the kids chose to live with her, it struck me hard man." said Greg.

"I know this is gonna be hard for you to do...

I found a nice and clean public toilet

Unfortunately, it had a sign saying 'Please leave this toilet as you would expect to find it', so I had to shove a load of paper down the bowl and break the door lock.

A lovely Russian lady came up to the counter where I work and said "Please, I am looking for one night stand"

I had the shop shut up and the door locked before you could say knife, and we went to a bar for a couple of aperitifs, a nice restaurant, a club I know where they have a good floorshow, and then I took that lovely lady home and, being a gentleman, I will draw the veil of discretion over what followe...

Ticket please

Three engineers and three accountants are in the queue to buy a train ticket.

The three accountants buy a ticket each; three in all. The engineers, however, buy one ticket between them.

“How are you…?” ask the accountants.
“We know what to do,” reply the engineers.

And all si...

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Three men die and go to hell

Three men, all addicts, die and go to hell, where they meet Satan standing atop a mountain of skulls. Satan calls out to the trio "Men, welcome to hell. To atone for your word sins, you will each spend a millennia locked in a room with your vice of voice."
The men are quickly escorted to their ro...

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A man really wanted to learn the art of future-telling...

He is told to visit Old Man Baboo on top of the hill to learn this skill.

He proceeds to climb the hill and gets to Old Man Baboo's house.

"So you want to learn how to tell the future, huh?"

"Yes, teach me please"

"Ok, first come in and follow me"

"Ok, Old Man Babb...

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A man goes to a cabin in the woods to get away for a while...

He hears a knock on the door after just barely unloading. A burly bearded man was outside.

Neighbor: Just wanted to welcome you to the woods and invite you over for a drink later.

City guy: Sure sounds great

Neighbor: There will be a lot of music

City guy: Sounds like fun...

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A man with heart disease suspected his wife was cheating on him...

So he came home from work early one day to find the door locked so he unlocked it and walked in, all he found was his wife and laying in bed naked.

He lit his cigarette and took a look out the window to see a young man running out of the door pulling his pants up, the man picks up the mini fr...

A Few From The 1998 Rugrat's Joke Book

- Is Phil's twin big?
- No she's Lil

.

- Knock, knock
- Who's there?
- Tommy
- Tommy who?
- Tommy the truth-why's this door locked?

.

- What is big and scary and lives in the toaster?
- A Reptart

.

- Why should Chuckie play basketball some...

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