Asked my neighbour if he would help me find out what DIY means.

He said "Do it yourself".

Unhelpful prick.

Do you want to hear my DIY joke?

Wait a minute, I'm still working on it.

Sean Connery had a load of books fall on his head, thanks to dodgy DIY

He has only his shelf to blame

A man was doing some DIY work on his gas stove

When it all of a sudden blew up and sent him flying through his roof and up into the sky.

On his way up he passed a man falling down from the sky and asked him: “Hey, you know anything about gas stoves?”

The guy falling responded, “Nope, you know anything about parachutes?”

I just invented a DIY surgery kit

It’s called Suture Self.

I saw a woman busted for shoplifting at the DIY store today.

She had a ladder in her stocking.

Trump didn't finish the wall

He's just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project

Whenever I embark on a DIY project, I always read the instructions carefully...

And retrospectively.

My DIY table came with no instructions

It was counter intuitive

I'm not very good at DIY but I managed to attach a piece of wood to another piece of wood.

Nailed it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been doing a lot of DIY recently

But I have a hard time trusting anything to stay up;
My therapist says I have major shelf-confidence issues.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wife was nagging me for ages to put a shelf up in the front room, but as I am shit at DIY I thought that I should get some advice.

So I went to the library and asked the woman there, "do you have any books on shelves?"

DIY Hand Sanitizer

If you mix Tabasco in you hand sanitizer it will not only kill germs but also teach not to touch your face and eyes.

Went to a DIY store

Went to a DIY store and asked for a plank. Since I'm a cheapskate I asked for 20% off.

The salesman came back with a plan.

My wife asked me to do some DIY to build some storage for our collection of encyclopaedias..

But I'm no good at DIY, so I went to the library to find out how to do it and asked the lady behind the desk..
"Do you have any books on shelves?"

I'm addicted to DIY repairs.

I can't stop thinking about my next fix.

My friend told me that his DIY liquid rocket made it to space...

I told him to quit being hypergolic.

I walked into a DIY shop

There wasn't a single assistant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bought a DIY dildo set so I could cast my girlfriend a dildo from my own manhood.

She didn't like it... Takes 24 hours to harden

Being single means you're a true DIY-er.

They even have websites and videos to help!

The worst thing about living next door to MC Hammer is the constant DIY noise.

I shouted 'Stop!' but if anything that made it worse.

(Gary Delaney)

I wanted to buy some literature on DIY shelving

Sounds easy, but try going into a book store and asking if they have "any books on shelves"

I went to the DIY shop

I went to the DIY shop and bought a curtain rail. The shop assistant asked if I was putting it up myself. I replied "no you dirty sod. I'm putting it up in the dining room"

What do you call a multicolored d20 that you made yourself?

A tie-dyed diy die

A DIY kidney transplant...

...is a home renalvation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

DIY Gone Wrong

I was installing a light in the attic the today, when I slipped, and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling.

It scared the shit out of my girlfriend!

I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August!

So i've gotten a fish tank recently

And I check the Temerature and the pH-Value regularly. But my Guinea pigs keep diying. Do u guy have any advice?

I wrote a book on DIY.

It comes with a free pen.

I bought a book on DIY.

So far my dad has read me 103 pages of it.

I think my new idea for DIY orthodontics is going to take the world by storm.

brace yourself

Books I’d recommend

‘Excel in Maths’ by Cal Q. Luss

’Marine Giants’ by Meg LeDonne

‘DIY Automotive Repair’ by Carly King

‘Orchestral Percussion’ by Tim Penny

‘I Got Away With a Minor Crime’ by Jay Walker

‘Nordic Vodka’ by Finn Landia

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For me, going to a home improvement store is like having sex.

It's all about DIY.

Did You Ever Hear The One About Two Guys Hanging A Mirror?

Two guys are putting up a mirror in their buddy's house during a remodel. Being DIY novices, they struggle all day. Finally, they get the mirror hung in place, but it looks awful. Uneven. Smeared. Just horrible. So their buddy walks in to check on them and is instantly upset, knowing his wife will b...

I've had a bad day...

I've had a bad day.


Not only would the toilet not flush but I've been banned from the DiY store.

Dave and bob

Dave and Bob are two friends who enjoy DIY but lack common sense(I've heard this told with Irishmen, blondes etc. But let's keep controversy down ).
Dave is painting and Bob is nailing in some skirting boards to the wall.
Bob will take a nail out of the box, sometimes throw it away, and someti...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In a catholic girsl school the teaching Nun asks the girls about their plans for the future...

Nun:"Susan, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Susan:"I want to be a teacher, just like you!"
N: "Good, and what do you want to be Alice?"

Alice:"I want to be a doctor!"

N:"Very good! And you Lucy, what do you want to do?"
Lucy:"I want to become a Prostitute!"...

My girlfriend love compliments...

I've just told her she has the confidence of a much younger more attractive woman...
She's now not speaking to me, just grinding her teeth... Not a good sign!
Postscript :A few hours later...
Middle aged British guy seeks self-confident girl. Must be in possession of EXTREME self confidence...

Handyman goes to court

So this handyman was caught working without a license. He was a bit of a diy guy and had decided to fix some things himself, but wasn't licensed to do so and they weren't up to standard.

In the court, the judge received a note from his assistant and immediately declare him guilty for working ...

Ikea failed miserably at processed meat products business

Someone ordered meatballs and Ikea sends them a cow with DIY instructions

Methylated Spirit

A scruffy homeless man walks into a DIY store.

"Bottle of methylated spirit please."

"Look mate, no offense but I wasn't born yesterday. I can't sell that to you when I know you're just gonna drink it."

"Hey, what are you implying? This is ridiculous, I'm using it for woodwork!"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The willing farmer girl

On a sunny Saturday afternoon, Jimmy, a young handsome farmer boy in his twenties, goes to the village a few minutes walking from the farm to get a bunch of supplies. He goes to the hardware shop, the DIY and the pet shop, and ends up with a bucket, a big can of red paint, a dozen of eggs, two chick...

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