UPJOKE
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A man was doing some DIY work on his gas stove

When it all of a sudden blew up and sent him flying through his roof and up into the sky.

On his way up he passed a man falling down from the sky and asked him: “Hey, you know anything about gas stoves?”

The guy falling responded, “Nope, you know anything about parachutes?”

How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.

DIY Money Saving Tip

Turn an ordinary, old sofa into a sofa bed, by just forgetting your anniversary.

Follow me for more DIY money saving tips.

DIY videos - Do It Yourself

When I try to follow them, it becomes >! DIY - Destroy It Yourself !< :)

Asked my neighbour if he would help me find out what DIY means.

He said "Do it yourself".

Unhelpful prick.

Do you want to hear my DIY joke?

Wait a minute, I'm still working on it.

Sean Connery had a load of books fall on his head, thanks to dodgy DIY

He has only his shelf to blame

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Sex is like construction

You can choose the DIY option but you’re never truly satisfied but it’s better in the long run if done by someone with experience

I saw a woman busted for shoplifting at the DIY store today.

She had a ladder in her stocking.

I just invented a DIY surgery kit

It’s called Suture Self.

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The wife was nagging me for ages to put a shelf up in the front room, but as I am shit at DIY I thought that I should get some advice.

So I went to the library and asked the woman there, "do you have any books on shelves?"

DIY Hand Sanitizer

If you mix Tabasco in you hand sanitizer it will not only kill germs but also teach not to touch your face and eyes.

My DIY table came with no instructions

It was counter intuitive

I'm not very good at DIY but I managed to attach a piece of wood to another piece of wood.

Nailed it.

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I've been doing a lot of DIY recently

But I have a hard time trusting anything to stay up;
My therapist says I have major shelf-confidence issues.

Whenever I embark on a DIY project, I always read the instructions carefully...

And retrospectively.

I walked into a DIY shop

There wasn't a single assistant

My friend told me that his DIY liquid rocket made it to space...

I told him to quit being hypergolic.

I'm addicted to DIY repairs.

I can't stop thinking about my next fix.

My wife asked me to do some DIY to build some storage for our collection of encyclopaedias..

But I'm no good at DIY, so I went to the library to find out how to do it and asked the lady behind the desk..
"Do you have any books on shelves?"

I wanted to buy some literature on DIY shelving

Sounds easy, but try going into a book store and asking if they have "any books on shelves"

My wife suggested a new hobby for me

DIY Wednesday

The worst thing about living next door to MC Hammer is the constant DIY noise.

I shouted 'Stop!' but if anything that made it worse.

(Gary Delaney)

I went to the DIY shop

I went to the DIY shop and bought a curtain rail. The shop assistant asked if I was putting it up myself. I replied "no you dirty sod. I'm putting it up in the dining room"

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Bought a DIY dildo set so I could cast my girlfriend a dildo from my own manhood.

She didn't like it... Takes 24 hours to harden

Being single means you're a true DIY-er.

They even have websites and videos to help!

A DIY kidney transplant...

...is a home renalvation.

I wrote a book on DIY.

It comes with a free pen.

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DIY Gone Wrong

I was installing a light in the attic the today, when I slipped, and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling.

It scared the shit out of my girlfriend!

I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August!

Trump didn't finish the wall

He's just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project

I bought a book on DIY.

So far my dad has read me 103 pages of it.

I think my new idea for DIY orthodontics is going to take the world by storm.

brace yourself

What do you call a multicolored d20 that you made yourself?

A tie-dyed diy die

Books I’d recommend

‘Excel in Maths’ by Cal Q. Luss

’Marine Giants’ by Meg LeDonne

‘DIY Automotive Repair’ by Carly King

‘Orchestral Percussion’ by Tim Penny

‘I Got Away With a Minor Crime’ by Jay Walker

‘Nordic Vodka’ by Finn Landia

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For me, going to a home improvement store is like having sex.

It's all about DIY.

I've had a bad day...

I've had a bad day.


Not only would the toilet not flush but I've been banned from the DiY store.

Ikea failed miserably at processed meat products business

Someone ordered meatballs and Ikea sends them a cow with DIY instructions

Handyman goes to court

So this handyman was caught working without a license. He was a bit of a diy guy and had decided to fix some things himself, but wasn't licensed to do so and they weren't up to standard.

In the court, the judge received a note from his assistant and immediately declare him guilty for working ...

Methylated Spirit

A scruffy homeless man walks into a DIY store.

"Bottle of methylated spirit please."

"Look mate, no offense but I wasn't born yesterday. I can't sell that to you when I know you're just gonna drink it."

"Hey, what are you implying? This is ridiculous, I'm using it for woodwork!"...

So i've gotten a fish tank recently

And I check the Temerature and the pH-Value regularly. But my Guinea pigs keep diying. Do u guy have any advice?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The willing farmer girl

On a sunny Saturday afternoon, Jimmy, a young handsome farmer boy in his twenties, goes to the village a few minutes walking from the farm to get a bunch of supplies. He goes to the hardware shop, the DIY and the pet shop, and ends up with a bucket, a big can of red paint, a dozen of eggs, two chick...

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