What do you call IKEA furniture you put in coffee?

Artificial swedener

What's the difference between Tinder and Ikea?

One night stands last longer.

10% of European babies are conceived on an IKEA bed.

So, be sure to follow the instructions.

Put Peg A into Slot B, and then screw until the nuts tighten.

Picked up my new rug from Ikea!

It's just a sheep and a spinning wheel

This girl from IKEA keeps calling me late into the day

What doesn't she get about one Night Stand?

What did the IKEA dresser say to the aliens after landing on their planet?

I come in pieces.

A new wardrobe from IKEA

A woman buys a new wardrobe and puts it together. She is pretty proud of it, but since they're living right next to a highway, as soon as the bus rattles by, the vibrations cause the wardrobe to collapse. She builds it again, but the next bus makes it come back down again.

She goes and gets t...

CEO of IKEA is now the Prime Minister of Sweden

He is currently assembling his cabinet.

A woman goes to IKEA to buy a new bedroom closet

She comes home and assembles the closet but as soon as a bus drives by her house, the closet collapses in on itself.

Frustrated she tries again, this time taking care to follow the instructions to the letter. Just as she is finished, another bus drives by her house and the closet collapses ag...

Just finished building an Ikea shelf. I'm going to name it Joe.

It's a bit shakey and leans slightly to the left.

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Okay, so IKEA's "Assembly Point" is a fucking joke.

After building my new wardrobe outside the IKEA store, I couldn't fit the thing in my car.

There was an FBI agent named Craig.

Craig's job was checking furniture that people sell online to see if there's nothing illegal in it.

However, Craig had a weird habit - instead of tracking all illegal items, he had a document with every single legal piece of furniture that people sold, and he was removing items from there if ...

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years...

...but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.

My kid says he came up with this one: A guy goes to interview for IKEA...

The manager says “Welcome! Come in and make a seat.”

Going into my son's room is the same as going to Ikea

You go in just to see what's new and come out with 10 plates 3 cups and a pair of socks.

Why are there no ikea’s in religious states?

Because you can’t put the simplest thing together without cussing!

How do you assemble a wardrobe?

I have no ikea...

What type of particles does an IKEA emit?

Futons

There is a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.

The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.

I know a joke about Ikea

punchline yourself together have But you put the to .

I don't know why the beautiful attendant at IKEA reported me to the police

All I asked was, "How much for one night stand?"

I hate IKEA but whenever I go, I can’t leave without buying ridiculous amounts of things for my house.

I’m suffering from Stock Home Syndrome.

I was at IKEA. Just found the exit.

What's this virus thing all about?

What did Optimus Prime say after hauling his new Ikea coffee table into the house?

Autobots assemble!

(Writing credit to u/Apollonius_Cone)

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror...

I thought to myself, "I'm going to get kicked out of Ikea any moment now."

Our Mexican friend is a whiz when it comes to assembling IKEA furniture.

He is our instruction Manuel.

The 2021 Ikea catalog is out!

...of everything.

I tried to order a table from IKEA, but I misplaced an umlaut in my search text. I got a couch instead.

So close, yet sofa.

I saw a sign outside IKEA .

It said, "Huge Furniture Sale!"

So I went inside and looked around. Unimpressed, I found a sales assistant. "Your sign outside is misleading."


"What do you mean, sir?" he asked.

"Well," I replied, "None of this furniture on sale is particularly huge."

Saw some sea birds ordering furniture in IKEA today

Last time I checked it was definitely humans only, but I guess the terns have tabled.

IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad dies at 91.

His funeral has been postponed until his family get the screw that wasn't included with his KÖFFIN product

Anyone want to hear me make an Ikea joke?

Sorry, you'll have to make it yourself.

TIL They don't have Ikea stores in the USSR.

Instead, they have OURkea.

What would IKEA be called if it was created by someone in the Soviet Union?

WEKEA

Hey girl, are you from IKEA?

'Cause my wife and I are going to have a fight over you.

I asked the neighbourhood witch to help me assemble my new IKEA furniture, and we were done in record time.

Turns out, she is a hexpert at this.

What's the difference between IKEA and Theresa May?

A cabinet designed by IKEA doesn't fall apart so easily.

A woman decides to surprise her husband with a brand new luxury wardrobe...

While he's at work she goes to IKEA and finds a beautiful wardrobe, buys it, and returns home. Reading the instructions, she easily assembles the marvelous piece of furniture

Then, as she stood satisfied about her work, a bus passed by the window and the whole wardrobe fell apart. Stunned, ...

Thor, Iron Man and Hulk walk into IKEA...

Avengers... Assemble

What do IKEA and Hong Kong have in common?

No peaceful assembly

Ikea shelf

Two guys are building shelfs for the others mom. After they’re finished, the other guys’ mom comes in and says: ”You managed to build them this fast? You guys should be proud of yourshelfs”

What does a person obsessed with IKEA suffer from?

Stock-home Syndrome

A woman buys a closet from Ikea

A woman who lives just above an underground station buys a closet from Ikea and tries to build it in her apartment. She gets it built but, before she could get any clothes inside, the underground arrives at the station and the closet collapses.

She doesn't understand how could this happen sin...

It's 2021, and President Joe Biden is told he needs to assemble a cabinet

Coming back from IKEA, he realizes he's greatly misunderstood the task

The Ikea owner died, and his funeral was delayed..

They couldn't figure out how to put together his casket.

A guy goes to Ikea for a job interview

“Welcome sir, nice to have you. Please assemble that chair over there and take a seat.”

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What did IKEA collaborate with Japan on?

a desu ka

The US Justice Department were hellbent on taking IKEA to court a few years ago.

Unfortunately they had to walk away as they were having difficulties putting a case together.

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Rooms at the IKEA's showroom are like porn videos.

You will never be able to do the same at home.

What are the stores called that sell fake IKEA replicas?

LIKEA

Don’t ask me why your Ikea furniture isn’t holding up..

..you only have your shelf to blame

I asked an Ikea assistant to get out of my way.

He said, “You’re going to have to make me.”

My school has become an academy; it's sponsored by IKEA.

Lessons are ok, but morning assembly takes ages.

I would tell you a joke about Ikea furniture...

But the setup takes to long and the final product is mediocre.

I've got an Ikea bookcase that's lasted me 30 years.

Granted, it was in pieces for 29 of those.

IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad passes away at 91.

Wonder if he collapsed unexpectedly at home?

Apparently 1 out of every 10 Europeans were conceived on an IKEA bed...

Which is crazy when you consider how well lit those places are.

An arm amputee bought a wooden cupboard from IKEA which was sent to his home for his self assembly.

Needless to say, he was stumped.

So I'm in Ikea....

...and I ask the salesperson, "Is this a finished desk?"
and she says, "No, it's Swedish."

(edited to make more better)

I got a letter from Ikea

When I opened it to see what it was about, I noticed it was in a different language. Unfortunately I just couldn't put it together.

Why did the lonely man go to IKEA?

He was looking for one nightstand.

So today the founder of IKEA passed away...

I wonder how long it took his family to build his casket?

Why do hippies shop at Ikea?

Because no trees were harmed in the making of their furniture.

What's the point of spending $90 to be stuck in an escape room when I can go to IKEA for free

And spend $180 on furniture I didn't need

Every morning after waking up, the first thing that I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.

I bought a new desk from IKEA....

And I noticed that a piece was missing. It was a connecting rod that should have been marked "A."

I called IKEA and told them about my issue. They said there must have been a shortage, but this was a limited-run item. I asked them what I should do. At that time, they informed me that I wa...

IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad has died at 91. His funeral procession will be a winding path that takes about 2 hours with a pause in the middle for refreshments.

We also seem to have an extra casket handle and a handful of screws.

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What do Barnaby Joyce and an Ikea flat pack have in common?

All it takes is an inappropriate screw to fuck the whole cabinet.


*My mum couldn't wait to tell me this joke this morning.

Ikea failed miserably at processed meat products business

Someone ordered meatballs and Ikea sends them a cow with DIY instructions

Ingar Kamprad, the founder of IKEA has passed away

- flat pack coffins

- Allen key

- left over parts

- missing screws

This joke needs some assembly

Why did Trump's IKEA furniture keep falling apart?

Fake screws

What does IKEA furniture do when it's stolen?

Activates its shelf destruct sequence.

I'll see myself out...

My dad just called a family meeting.

Me, mum, my two brothers, my sister and grandma hurried into the living room and gathered round an IKEA box laying on the floor.

"Dad, it's some flat pack furniture, what do you need the whole family for?" I asked.

"Well, it must be these strange Swedish customs", he replies, "It says...

I went to the worst escape room ever.

Its called IKEA.

Why did Donald Trump go to Ikea?

Because he was having trouble putting together his new cabinet.

I bought a shelf at Ikea.

Took me all day to put the Fjälkinge thing together.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a lamp stand from Ikea...

the assistant asked me was I planning on putting it up myself.

"You dirty bastard" I said, "It's going in the living room"

Ingvar Kamrad, the founder of IKEA, is a multi-billionaire.

I guess he's self-made.

IKEA made headlines today...

...due to their new range of corduroy pillowcases

The Wolf of Wall Street

Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "F**k" or "F**king" 506 times. That actually beats a record set by me in 2010, trying to put an Ikea chair together.

I got thousands of letters delivered to my house today

That's the last time I order a dictionary from Ikea

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Two interesting facts about me

Fact No 1 - My penis is exactly the length of 2 Ikea pencils.

Fact No 2 - I am now banned from Ikea

Biden has been trying to put together is new cabinet for weeks.

After not having much success, he finally called up IKEA for help.

A box from IKEA came to my door, sent from this tourist girl I've been on two dates with.

I don't think she understood when I said I wanted a one-night stand

The incoming presidential cabinet is like Ikea furniture.

The directions come from something impossible to read, it will barely last 4 years and definitely has a few screws loose.

The Ikea corporation was found not guilty yesterday for assassinating a rival companies CEO.

While there were several damning pieces of evidence, the detectives couldn't seem to put the case together.

What does a lonely Sean Connery building IKEA products say?

I guess its jusht me, myshelf, and I tonight.

Did you here about the IKEA corporation getting away with having that guy killed?

None of the detectives could seem to piece the clues together.

I had one nightstand yesterday....

Thanks to the IKEA sale,today I have two

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Who said that sexism against man doesn't exist

when a girl masturbates in a bath tub people start sending her money and all that stuff. But when I do it, I get called a weirdo and get banned from IKEA

So the “Wolf of Wall Street” has the f word used 569 times making almost 3 times a minute

That record was broken by my dad this afternoon while trying to assemble an ikea tv stand

How can we confuse the Chinese Government?

Make our military blueprints in the form of Ikea instructions.

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