I got thousands of letters delivered to my house today

That's the last time I order a dictionary from Ikea

Anyone want to hear me make an Ikea joke?

Sorry, you'll have to make it yourself.

What are the stores called that sell fake IKEA replicas?

LIKEA

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years...

...but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Ikea saleslady wants to have sex with me for some reason

All I wanted was one nightstand

A guy goes to Ikea for a job interview

“Welcome sir, nice to have you. Please assemble that chair over there and take a seat.”

I orderd a book from IKEA

Got a book with a blank pages and a pen

Going into my son's room is the same as going to Ikea

You go in just to see what's new and come out with 10 plates 3 cups and a pair of socks.

A woman buys a closet from Ikea

A woman who lives just above an underground station buys a closet from Ikea and tries to build it in her apartment. She gets it built but, before she could get any clothes inside, the underground arrives at the station and the closet collapses.

She doesn't understand how could this happen sin...

I've got an Ikea bookcase that's lasted me 30 years.

Granted, it was in pieces for 29 of those.

My kid says he came up with this one: A guy goes to interview for IKEA...

The manager says “Welcome! Come in and make a seat.”

I got a letter from Ikea

When I opened it to see what it was about, I noticed it was in a different language. Unfortunately I just couldn't put it together.

Why did the lonely man go to IKEA?

He was looking for one nightstand.

Apparently 1 out of every 10 Europeans were conceived on an IKEA bed...

Which is crazy when you consider how well lit those places are.

What's the point of spending $90 to be stuck in an escape room when I can go to IKEA for free

And spend $180 on furniture I didn't need

What's the difference between IKEA and Theresa May?

A cabinet designed by IKEA doesn't fall apart so easily.

The Ikea owner died, and his funeral was delayed..

They couldn't figure out how to put together his casket.

What does a person obsessed with IKEA suffer from?

Stock-home Syndrome

Don’t ask me why your Ikea furniture isn’t holding up..

..you only have your shelf to blame

There is a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.

The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.

An arm amputee bought a wooden cupboard from IKEA which was sent to his home for his self assembly.

Needless to say, he was stumped.

So the “Wolf of Wall Street” has the f word used 569 times making almost 3 times a minute

That record was broken by my dad this afternoon while trying to assemble an ikea tv stand

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Rooms at the IKEA's showroom are like porn videos.

You will never be able to do the same at home.

Thor, Iron Man and Hulk walk into IKEA...

Avengers... Assemble

I would tell you a joke about Ikea furniture...

But the setup takes to long and the final product is mediocre.

That moment when your neighbour is ringing at your door at 3am like crazy...

But luckily you‘re still awake because you‘re drilling holes for your new IKEA bookcase

The US Justice Department were hellbent on taking IKEA to court a few years ago.

Unfortunately they had to walk away as they were having difficulties putting a case together.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was just reading that Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "Fuck" or "Fucking" 506 times.

That actually beats a record set by me in 2003, trying to put an Ikea wardrobe together.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I found out 2 things after I went to IKEA

1. My penis is bigger then an Ikea pencil

2. I'm banned from Ikea

IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad passes away at 91.

Wonder if he collapsed unexpectedly at home?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do Barnaby Joyce and an Ikea flat pack have in common?

All it takes is an inappropriate screw to fuck the whole cabinet.


*My mum couldn't wait to tell me this joke this morning.

IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad dies at 91.

His funeral has been postponed until his family get the screw that wasn't included with his KÖFFIN product

So today the founder of IKEA passed away...

I wonder how long it took his family to build his casket?

IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad has died at 91. His funeral procession will be a winding path that takes about 2 hours with a pause in the middle for refreshments.

We also seem to have an extra casket handle and a handful of screws.

Why did Trump's IKEA furniture keep falling apart?

Fake screws

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I have 2 interesting facts about me

fact 1), my cock is as long as two ikea pencils.
fact 2), I'm banned from Ikea.

Ingar Kamprad, the founder of IKEA has passed away

- flat pack coffins

- Allen key

- left over parts

- missing screws

This joke needs some assembly

I assembled an IKEA keyboard

it's amain ho many spare parts they ive you

I asked an Ikea assistant to get out of my way.

He said, “You’re going to have to make me.”

I bought a new desk from IKEA....

And I noticed that a piece was missing. It was a connecting rod that should have been marked "A."

I called IKEA and told them about my issue. They said there must have been a shortage, but this was a limited-run item. I asked them what I should do. At that time, they informed me that I wa...

I bought a shelf at Ikea.

Took me all day to put the Fjälkinge thing together.

Why do hippies shop at Ikea?

Because no trees were harmed in the making of their furniture.

Why did Donald Trump go to Ikea?

Because he was having trouble putting together his new cabinet.

My friend got crushed when a Billy bookcase fell on him in Ikea yesterday. He's decided not to sue though...

He says it was a shelf inflicted injury.

I just got fired from my job at IKEA

My manager caught me taking some of the Stockholm

Ikea failed miserably at processed meat products business

Someone ordered meatballs and Ikea sends them a cow with DIY instructions

So I'm in Ikea....

...and I ask the salesperson, "Is this a finished desk?"
and she says, "No, it's Swedish."

(edited to make more better)

A box from IKEA came to my door, sent from this tourist girl I've been on two dates with.

I don't think she understood when I said I wanted a one-night stand

IKEA made headlines today...

...due to their new range of corduroy pillowcases

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I bought a lamp stand from Ikea...

the assistant asked me was I planning on putting it up myself.

"You dirty bastard" I said, "It's going in the living room"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a sex toy bought at IKEA?

A "One Night Stand"

What does a lonely Sean Connery building IKEA products say?

I guess its jusht me, myshelf, and I tonight.

Did you here about the IKEA corporation getting away with having that guy killed?

None of the detectives could seem to piece the clues together.

What does IKEA furniture do when it's stolen?

Activates its shelf destruct sequence.

I'll see myself out...

Today I received a few thousand letters

I'm never ordering a dictionary from IKEA again.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The black guy from next door keeps beating the fuck out of his wife with cheap Swedish furniture.

I call him Ikea Turner.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman is having a foursome while her husband is at work

Suddenly however, she hears her husband enter the house.

“Oh shit, here’s my husband! Quick, hide before he sees you!”

The first guy hides in the closet and shuts the doors.

The second guy hides under the bed and pulls down the covers.

The third guy hides on the balcony a...

My dad just called a family meeting.

Me, mum, my two brothers, my sister and grandma hurried into the living room and gathered round an IKEA box laying on the floor.

"Dad, it's some flat pack furniture, what do you need the whole family for?" I asked.

"Well, it must be these strange Swedish customs", he replies, "It says...

My doctor has just diagnosed me as having low blood pressure.

He’s given me a prescription for two Ikea self-assembly wardrobes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

These puns are Capital!

So I had a productive day at work coming up with these Capital City puns a year ago today. Thought they were too good not to share!

Why did the Geordie arrange a holiday to Romania?

To book a rest!

Bob Mortimer was speaking to his comedy partner's wife saying he wanted to take h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

..Trump said "Buy american, Hire american"

Standing on an Ikea podium from *Sweden*, behind bullet proof by Saint Gobain Glass from *France*, smiling at a 4K Sony *Japanese* Video camera, speaking into a Dolby Sennheiser *German* microphone, with vigorous hand gestures giving a glimpse of a Rolex under the cuff made in *Switzerland*
...

I went to one of those escape rooms and got out in only 3 hours

It's called Ikea

Don't you love sitting on the sofa late at night with a glass of wine in your hand?

Until the police come along and escort you out of IKEA.

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror...

I thought to myself, "I'm going to get kicked out of Ikea any moment now."

I met a girl last night at a bar and she asked me if I was looking for a one night stand

I told her no thank you, I had just bought one from Ikea.

I met a rude Australian once

I asked him if he knew of a furniture store nearby. He said "Does it look like ikea?"

Men helping men.

I was at an Ikea this last weekend, wandering around the show room, when I absentmindedly ran into a young guy doing the same thing.

I apologized to him, explaining that I'd I'd been mesmerized by the massive quantity of things and had somehow wandered away from my wife. With my mind preoccup...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl just got her new mirror and asks it...

Mirror, mirror on the wall who is the most beautiful of all?

And the mirror answers:
"Yiu err hte meost beutifel off ael"

...every fucking time I try to assemble this IKEA shit

Double standards are not fair!

When miley cirus gets naked and licks hammers its beautiful and artistic, but when I do it its weird, creepy and I get a life time ban from Ikea.

My doctor said he needed a stool sample from me.

The timing was perfect. I was about to go to Ikea anyway

One-night stand at first, but ended up happening again...

I mean, they're just so cheap at Ikea, so I had to go back to get another.

The other day a Swedish man called me a racist and a believer of stereotypes...

So Ikea'd his car.