UPJOKE
swedeningvar kampradnetherlandsacronymagunnarydbillionliechtensteinsingaporesouthamptonunited stateslondonhong kongswitzerlandhanergyfurniture

Ikea Jokes

Going into my son's room is the same as going to Ikea

You go in just to see what's new and come out with 10 plates 3 cups and a pair of socks.

10% of European babies are conceived on an IKEA bed.

So, be sure to follow the instructions.

Put Peg A into Slot B, and then screw until the nuts tighten.

I heard you can get lawyers at Ikea now.

They're very affordable, but you have to build your own case.

What's the difference between Tinder and Ikea?

One night stands last longer.

The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden.

He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week.

What do you call IKEA furniture you put in coffee?

Artificial swedener

What did the IKEA dresser say to the aliens after landing on their planet?

I come in pieces.

I hate IKEA but whenever I go, I can’t leave without buying ridiculous amounts of things for my house.

I’m suffering from Stock Home Syndrome.

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years...

...but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.

Thor, Iron Man and Hulk walk into IKEA...

Avengers... Assemble

Did you hear about the guy who went to Ikea trying to pick up women?

He wanted a one nightstand.

What did Optimus Prime say when he came back from Ikea?

Autobots, assemble!


(edit : a big ♥ to all the kind people who made this silly post live despite the fact I mix up Autobots and Avengers. Long live the Autovengers!)

What's the difference between IKEA and Theresa May?

A cabinet designed by IKEA doesn't fall apart so easily.

I was at IKEA. Just found the exit.

What's this virus thing all about?

Picked up my new rug from Ikea!

It's just a sheep and a spinning wheel

My old school was sponsored by IKEA...

Assembly took ages.

I know a joke about Ikea

punchline yourself together have But you put the to .

Someone reaches the checkout counter at IKEA...

They buy:
\- one large plate
\- one small plate
\- one spoon
\- one fork
\- one knife
\- one bowl
\- one wine glass
\- one water glass
\- one frying pan
\- one spatula


The cashier goes "So you're single, huh."
They reply "Why yes I ...

What did Optimus Prime say after hauling his new Ikea coffee table into the house?

Autobots assemble!

(Writing credit to u/Apollonius_Cone)

I just got banned from IKEA.

I asked the assistant: “how much for a one night stand”?

I went for an interview at IKEA.

The manager greeted me by saying, "Come in, make a seat."

A woman just bought an IKEA wardrobe.

She just finishes building it when a bus drives past the window and the dresser collapses to the ground.
She assembles it again, but then another bus drives by and the whole thing collapses again.
Her husband being at work, she calls her neighbour to help her fix this. The neighbour come...

A little known rule is that all employees of IKEA have to stand in a line in the meeting room before every shift.

Assembly is required.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Ikea saleslady wants to have sex with me for some reason

All I wanted was one nightstand

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

I shouldn’t have bought this piece of shit from IKEA.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Okay, so IKEA's "Assembly Point" is a fucking joke.

After building my new wardrobe outside the IKEA store, I couldn't fit the thing in my car.

IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad dies at 91.

His funeral has been postponed until his family get the screw that wasn't included with his KÖFFIN product

A new wardrobe from IKEA

A woman buys a new wardrobe and puts it together. She is pretty proud of it, but since they're living right next to a highway, as soon as the bus rattles by, the vibrations cause the wardrobe to collapse. She builds it again, but the next bus makes it come back down again.

She goes and gets t...

Hey girl, are you from IKEA?

'Cause my wife and I are going to have a fight over you.

So Marvel and Ikea decided to do a crossover series. Marvel replaced the "Suit up" catchphrase with...

..."Avengers Assemble".

What type of particles does an IKEA emit?

Futons

Anyone want to hear me make an Ikea joke?

Sorry, you'll have to make it yourself.

The jokes from IKEA are great, but

a:1 b:1 c:1 d:1 e:4 f:1 h:3 i:2 l:3 n:2 o:3 p:1 r:1 s:1 t:2 u:4 v:1 Y:1 y:1

So I'm in Ikea....

...and I ask the salesperson, "Is this a finished desk?"
and she says, "No, it's Swedish."

(edited to make more better)

Ikea shelf

Two guys are building shelfs for the others mom. After they’re finished, the other guys’ mom comes in and says: ”You managed to build them this fast? You guys should be proud of yourshelfs”

The 2021 Ikea catalog is out!

...of everything.

I saw a sign outside IKEA .

It said, "Huge Furniture Sale!"

So I went inside and looked around. Unimpressed, I found a sales assistant. "Your sign outside is misleading."


"What do you mean, sir?" he asked.

"Well," I replied, "None of this furniture on sale is particularly huge."

TIL They don't have Ikea stores in the USSR.

Instead, they have OURkea.

What do IKEA and Hong Kong have in common?

No peaceful assembly

I asked an Ikea assistant to get out of my way.

He said, “You’re going to have to make me.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rooms at the IKEA's showroom are like porn videos.

You will never be able to do the same at home.

I would tell you a joke about Ikea furniture...

But the setup takes to long and the final product is mediocre.

A woman goes to IKEA to buy a new bedroom closet

She comes home and assembles the closet but as soon as a bus drives by her house, the closet collapses in on itself.

Frustrated she tries again, this time taking care to follow the instructions to the letter. Just as she is finished, another bus drives by her house and the closet collapses ag...

What did the Spanish speaking guest say as he left Ikea with his new chair?

Silla later.

Why are there no ikea’s in religious states?

Because you can’t put the simplest thing together without cussing!

Saw some sea birds ordering furniture in IKEA today

Last time I checked it was definitely humans only, but I guess the terns have tabled.

What does a person obsessed with IKEA suffer from?

Stock-home Syndrome

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did IKEA collaborate with Japan on?

a desu ka

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two interesting facts about me:

1: My Penis is the exact length of two IKEA pencils.

2: I've got a lifetime ban from IKEA!

Just finished building an Ikea shelf. I'm going to name it Joe.

It's a bit shakey and leans slightly to the left.

What do you call instructions on how to assemble multiple Ikea products into a single unit?

A Svenn Diagram

A woman buys a closet from Ikea

A woman who lives just above an underground station buys a closet from Ikea and tries to build it in her apartment. She gets it built but, before she could get any clothes inside, the underground arrives at the station and the closet collapses.

She doesn't understand how could this happen sin...

There is a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.

The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.

Our Mexican friend is a whiz when it comes to assembling IKEA furniture.

He is our instruction Manuel.

I got a letter from Ikea

When I opened it to see what it was about, I noticed it was in a different language. Unfortunately I just couldn't put it together.

Why do hippies shop at Ikea?

Because no trees were harmed in the making of their furniture.

The Ikea owner died, and his funeral was delayed..

They couldn't figure out how to put together his casket.

What are the stores called that sell fake IKEA replicas?

LIKEA

If IKEA sold condoms..

Instructions unclear: accidentally made baby

Ikea failed miserably at processed meat products business

Someone ordered meatballs and Ikea sends them a cow with DIY instructions

Why did the lonely man go to IKEA?

He was looking for one nightstand.

What would IKEA be called if it was created by someone in the Soviet Union?

WEKEA

Don’t ask me why your Ikea furniture isn’t holding up..

..you only have your shelf to blame

Ingar Kamprad, the founder of IKEA has passed away

- flat pack coffins

- Allen key

- left over parts

- missing screws

This joke needs some assembly

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror...

I thought to myself, "I'm going to get kicked out of Ikea any moment now."

I tried to order a table from IKEA, but I misplaced an umlaut in my search text. I got a couch instead.

So close, yet sofa.

IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad passes away at 91.

Wonder if he collapsed unexpectedly at home?

A guy goes to Ikea for a job interview

“Welcome sir, nice to have you. Please assemble that chair over there and take a seat.”

My school has become an academy; it's sponsored by IKEA.

Lessons are ok, but morning assembly takes ages.

So today the founder of IKEA passed away...

I wonder how long it took his family to build his casket?

IKEA made headlines today...

...due to their new range of corduroy pillowcases

I bought a shelf at Ikea.

Took me all day to put the Fjälkinge thing together.

Why did Donald Trump go to Ikea?

Because he was having trouble putting together his new cabinet.

The US Justice Department were hellbent on taking IKEA to court a few years ago.

Unfortunately they had to walk away as they were having difficulties putting a case together.

What does IKEA furniture do when it's stolen?

Activates its shelf destruct sequence.

I'll see myself out...

I got thousands of letters delivered to my house today

That's the last time I order a dictionary from Ikea

If Apple and Kia were to make a car together, what would it’s name be?

IKEA

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed," he tells the bartender. "Good for you," the bartender says. "I hear that's one of those things highly efficient people do," "Maybe so," the guy agrees. "But tomorrow I'm taking that damn t...

I bought a new desk from IKEA....

And I noticed that a piece was missing. It was a connecting rod that should have been marked "A."

I called IKEA and told them about my issue. They said there must have been a shortage, but this was a limited-run item. I asked them what I should do. At that time, they informed me that I wa...

IKEA uses almost 18 million cubic yards of wood for their furniture.

Do you know that if you collated all of that wood...

You could just about build a tree house for James Corden?

Apparently 1 out of every 10 Europeans were conceived on an IKEA bed...

Which is crazy when you consider how well lit those places are.

The incoming presidential cabinet is like Ikea furniture.

The directions come from something impossible to read, it will barely last 4 years and definitely has a few screws loose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Barnaby Joyce and an Ikea flat pack have in common?

All it takes is an inappropriate screw to fuck the whole cabinet.


*My mum couldn't wait to tell me this joke this morning.

What does a lonely Sean Connery building IKEA products say?

I guess its jusht me, myshelf, and I tonight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was just reading that Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "Fuck" or "Fucking" 506 times.

That actually beats a record set by me in 2003, trying to put an Ikea wardrobe together.

Going into IKEA before I felt bad but couldn't help laughing at an old couple who seemed to be confused about how to exit the revolving doors.

Anyways, two hours and 15 meatballs later I was wheeling my new dining set, garden furniture and flatpack coffee table out when I too found myself stuck in the revolving doors. Oh how the tables turned!

I've got an Ikea bookcase that's lasted me 30 years.

Granted, it was in pieces for 29 of those.

A woman decides to surprise her husband with a brand new luxury wardrobe...

While he's at work she goes to IKEA and finds a beautiful wardrobe, buys it, and returns home. Reading the instructions, she easily assembles the marvelous piece of furniture

Then, as she stood satisfied about her work, a bus passed by the window and the whole wardrobe fell apart. Stunned, ...

I got slapped with a public indecency charge for using the toilet :/

Apparently the ones at IKEA are “for display only”

It's 2021, and President Joe Biden is told he needs to assemble a cabinet

Coming back from IKEA, he realizes he's greatly misunderstood the task

What does religion and Ikea have in common?

The stuff they have looks good but its impossible to put together.

huehue

An arm amputee bought a wooden cupboard from IKEA which was sent to his home for his self assembly.

Needless to say, he was stumped.

What's the point of spending $90 to be stuck in an escape room when I can go to IKEA for free

And spend $180 on furniture I didn't need

Stands, tables, meatballs, sofas and Sweden

It's an IKEA joke...some assembly required

Just been diagnosed with Swedish flat pack syndrome.

Sadly I have no IKEA what it means.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Be Careful what you dream of

A Couple in bed in the morning

She: i had a nice dream this night

He: really what was about?

She: i was dreaming going to Ikea and do shoppping

He: oh nice..

She: what about you, did you had any dream?

He: yes, i was dreaming doing sex with two girls simulta...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.