I told my girlfriend my mother is deaf...

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mom that my new girlfriend is disabled.

And now we wait.

A deaf guy walks into a bar

The bartender says

How Does a Deaf Mathematician Say Hello?

With a Sine Wave!

I feel so bad for the deaf people who need to read lips to communicate, because of all of the face masks right now.

Let's give them all a moment of silence.

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Two Deaf People Get Married

Two Deaf people get married
During 1st week of marrige they found they are unable to communicate in bedroom with the lights out as they can't see each other signing and lipsing.
After several nights of fumbling and misunderstanding they finally came up with a solution
The wife said
Why ...

Did you hear the joke about the deaf guy?

Neither did he....

How does a deaf gynecologist do his job?

He reads lips.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you see a deaf couple holding hands, maybe it's not romantic....

Maybe they just want each other to shut the fuck up.

If a deaf person has to go to court...

Is it still called a hearing?

A man and a deaf person are in a conversation

After a few minutes, they run out of things to talk about.
They stand there for a time, and then the man signs: "The conversation's gone quiet now, hasn't it?"


The deaf person then signs "How should I know?"

How do you stop 2 deaf People from arguing?

You turn off the Light

My doctor told me I would be deaf in 2 years

I haven't heard from him since

What do you call a deaf dog?

Doesn’t matter, he ain’t coming.

Why can't you sue a deaf guy?

He can't go to the hearing

HEY! I've got a joke. Have you heard the one about the deaf guy?

Neither did he.

What do you call a deaf dog?

Anything you like, it can't hear you.

How do you stop two deaf people from arguing?

Tie their hands behind their backs.

Did anyone else know September is deaf awareness month?

I’d never heard of it.

people told me i will never be successful because of my deafness

but i never listen to them

Went to the doctor for an ear infection and now I’ve found out I’m actually going deaf.

That news was pretty hard to hear.

Paddy's deaf wife

Paddy feared his wife Mary wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The doctor told him there is a simple informal test that Paddy could perform to give the do...

There was once a blind finn, deaf dane and a swede, who was in a wheelchair.

They found a bottle whose spirit promised everyone a wish.

The finn wished first, and soon yelled: I CAN SEE I CAN SEE!

then the dane wished, and soon yelled: I CAN HEAR I CAN HEAR!

Then the swede wished, and soon he yelled: NEW TIRES NEW TIRES!

What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

A lip reader

My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”

That is not a good sign.

My dad always says not to crank the car radio too high or I'll go deaf. Imagine if that happened.

I would never hear the end of it.

A blind guy, a deaf guy and a disabled guy in a wheelchair pass by a magic lake.

Just for fun, they decide to try out this supposedly miraculous lake. The blind guy stumbles in first and stays around in the water for a while, Then he comes out, bouncing with joy, saying "My sight has returned! I can see now!". The deaf guy went in right after and took a swim. He came out just as...

What did the blind, deaf, mentally handicapped orphan get for Christmas?

Cancer.

We've all heard about Russian Roulette but how many of you have heard about Indian Roulette?

They give you a flute and six large deadly cobras.

And one of the cobras is deaf.

Did you hear about the new company that makes audiobooks specifically for deaf people?

They're called Inaudible.

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A deaf couple is having issues in the bedroom

When the lights are off at night, neither of them can communicate. This leads to a lot of frustration for both of them, since the wife can’t tell the husband whether she’s in the mood or vice-versa. Their marriage counselor suggests coming up with a touch language that will work in the dark, thus no...

After he became deaf, many people told Beethoven that his career as a composer was over.

But did he listen?

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Two deaf guys stop off in a pub one night on the way home from their lip reading class.

Communicating by using their new lip reading skills one offers to buy the drinks and gives the money to the other who goes to the bar to get them.

At the bar he asks for two pints of lager which the barman puts on the bar and then says “that’ll be £15 please.”

The deaf guy looks shocke...

I heard a terrible joke about a deaf person yesterday.

They didn't though.

A deaf woman and a blind man are sitting on the subway

The deaf woman says to the guy: *sign language*

And the blind man says:

If people that can’t see are blind, people that can’t hear are deaf, and people that can’t talk are mute, then what do you call people that can’t smell?

Covid positive

A deaf man had a bike helmet that would vibrate if there was a loud noise from behind him to alert him of any vehicle’s presence

I guess you could call it his handy cap

My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend!

Honestly, I should have seen the signs.

If a deaf person has to go to court...

...is it still a hearing?



I am hard of hearing myself, I found it funny. I am going to hell.

What do you call it when a deaf person faceplants into quicksand?

Lip sinking.

What do you call a group of deaf people?

I don't know. But it is definitely not herd.

A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".

The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"

The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"

I met three men the other day - a blind man, a deaf man, and a mute man, named John, Fitzgerald, and...

I don't know, he wouldn't say.

What did the deaf person think when he won the auction?

I’ve won, but at what cost?

My deaf sibling asked if i wanted to hear a joke

I replied “sure”

They said “me too”

"Doctor, I think I'm going deaf."

Doctor said, "Describe the symptoms."


\- "Well, Homer is bald, Marge has blue hair..."

A blind man talking to a deaf man :

-Good thing you can at least see!
At which the deaf man responds :

A husband suspects his wife may be going deaf.

To test this, he goes a few feet behind her, and softly whispers “Honey, can you hear me?”

There is no response, so he takes a step forward, and softly says again “Honey, can you hear me?” Again, there is no response

The husband goes right behind his wife, and again says “Honey can yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do deaf people masturbate with one hand?

To moan with the other

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A deaf-mute walks up to a foursome on the first hole at St. Andrews

He hands one of the players a card that says, “I am a deaf-mute, playing as a single, may I play through?”   
  
The player, a total jerk, shakes his head no and points the deaf-mute to go back and wait his turn.
  
A few holes later, the jerk gets hit in the head by a golf ball while ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A newly wed deaf couple are setting ground rules on their honeymoon.

The bride says, “If you want to have sex with me massage my breasts. If you don’t tap my belly.”

The groom says, “That’s a great idea! If you want to have sex with me tug my penis, if you don’t tug it a 100 times.”

A mute guy, a deaf guy and a drunk guy walk into a bar...

The mute guy says

“What are you guys having to drink?”

The deaf guy realizes that the mute just somehow talked and asks him

“How come you just spoke if you’re mute?”

The drunk guy starts to come to his senses about the situation that the supposed deaf guy somehow heard...

Experiment 1 :

take a white male pigeon, tell it to fly, it flies away

Experiment 2 :

take a white male pigeon, remove its beak, tell it to fly, it flies away

Experiment 3 :

take a white male pigeon, remove its wings, tell it to fly, it doesn...

Funny

Someone once told me I'd never make it a deaf comedian, haven't heard from him since

A cowboy and a Roman soldier walked to a bar, and the bartender is deaf....

... The cowboy wanted 4 beers, so he showed 4 fingers and the roman soldier wanted 4 beers so he showed 3 fingers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A deaf and mute orphan in a small village...

...is found pregnant. The villagers cannot find any way to get the poor girl to help them find out what happened. As the girl is due to give birth, a nasty rumor begins to circulate among the folk: the preacher is to blame.

The preacher does not expect the villagers to care much for the vile ...

How did you know the deaf man was dead via video call?

When I asked if he was okay, he showed no sign of life.

This deaf girl used to flirt with me constantly, but I was oblivious to it.

I wish I could have read the signs.

I wrote a terrible joke about deaf people.

I’m just glad they’ll never hear it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there's a deaf accountant who works for the mafia.

One day, the kingpin mafioso is checking out the books and notices there's a million dollars missing. He calls a meeting with the deaf accountant and a sign language translator.

"Ok, there's a million dollars missing, where is it?" asks the kingpin. Translator says, "There's a million dollars...

Fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people?

Just switch off the light!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A deaf couple are struggling to initiate sex...

A deaf couple is struggling to initiate sex in the dark of night, so they decide to sit down and communicate a work around.

The wife starts writing on a notepad, “If you want to have sex with with me, squeeze my left breast once, and if you don’t want to have sex with me squeeze my right bre...

Two identical twin brothers, George and Ted, turned 100. George's hearing was just as good as ever, but Ted was slightly deaf.

An attractive female photographer came to the retirement home to take the brothers' picture. "I'm going to take your picture," she said.

"What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says she's going to take our picture," replied George. So George and Ted followed the photographer to a room.

Ins...

Did you know spiders go deaf if they have no legs?

Well it’s true and here’s why.

When I was a child I had a pet a spider. It was great I even trained him to jump. ‘Jump’ I’d shout and with a boing he’d leap into the air.

Well my brother saw this and in a jealous rage he pulled the spiders legs off!

I was heartbroken. ‘Jump’ I’...

Say what you want about deaf kids...

They won’t hear.

Why did God make farts smell?

So deaf people can enjoy them too!

Officer: excuse me sir, do You realise your wife fell out of your car about 5 miles back?

Man: thanks for telling me officer, I thought I had gone deaf.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the deaf prostitute say to her customer?

Cum again?

A man thinks his wife is getting deaf.

A man is sitting in his living room while his wife is working in the room next to it. As he gets up to prepare some coffee, he yells if she wants some too. There’s no response. “My wife seems to be losing her hearing”, he thinks.

He visits their doctor, asking for advice. “Doctor, my wife nev...

People used to say to the deaf kid he couldn't do anything in life.

But he didn't listen.

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

Damn near poked my eye out.

The first rule of deaf club

Nyou nu not nalk amout nef glub

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 deaf guys walk into a bar

1 sits down and the other walks up to the bar. The deaf man says "I'd like 2 pints of bitter please" the bartender pours the pints and says to the man " that would be £16" the man says "£16 why £16" the bartender replies "that's 8 for the bitter and 8 for the music" the man asks "music what music. I...

Deaf people are really lucky

They don’t know what it’s like to hear Donald speak

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A deaf-mute guy goes into a pharmacy to buy some condoms

After looking around the shop for a while and being unable to spot what he wants, he goes up to the counter and signs to the pharmacist, who only looks at him in mild bewilderment. The deaf-mute pats his pockets for a pencil and paper only to realize that he's come out without any, and he resorts to...

did yall hear what happened to the deaf kid?

nope, neither did he

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife is deaf and we worked out a nice system of signals for when we want to have sex.

If I want sex, I'll tap her on the butt once. If no sex, tap her twice. If she wants to have sex, she pulls my dick once. If she doesn't want to have sex, she pulls my dick 452 times.
Copied comment from u/TooShiftyForYou from r/videos

A £10 loan & a deaf Scotsman...

Angus is a bit short of money so he rings his friend Dougal to ask if he can borrow £ 10.

He reverse the phone call & Dougal accepts the charge.


Angus says: 'Can you lend me £ 10? & I'll pay you back'

Dougal says: 'I cant hear, You'll have to speak up'

<...

There was a protest against deaf people.

Everyone brought "stop signs".

I'm so tone deaf that

I can't even tell the difference between A# and Bb.

Ever hear about the deaf guy who walked into a bar?

Neither did I, but I have one hell of a bruise now.

I just read that deaf people also talk in their sleep, only in sign language.

Well, at least they don't get bitten by mosquitoes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW A sticky situation

A woman was feeling unwell and went to the doctor. Being profoundly deaf she brought her husband along as an interpreter.
The doctor said " I think that you'll be fine but to be on the safe side I will run a few tests...I'll need urine stool and blood samples and I'll take a vaginal swab "...

What do you call a man who’s blind, deaf, mute, and paralyzed?

Probably dead.

Every day after work, my girlfriend likes to come home and tell me all about her day. And when she does that, I like to hold her hand.

Cause she's deaf, and that way she can't talk anymore.

There was once a partly deaf man.

He couldn't hear low noises and could only hear loud ones.

One day, he went to the Doctor for his monthly checkup. He was sitting with the Doctor. The Doctor kept talking and talking for a long time. The deaf man then said:

"Doctor, I can't understand what you're saying. Usually I can ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two freinds are sitting on a bench, a deaf elderly woman and a elderly man.

While they are chatting, the woman speaking and the man signing, the man would stop and laugh, making a visible laughing motion that the woman sees.

The woman eventually asks what is so funny and the man signs backing, "Oh it's nothing."

They move on and the woman eventually says that ...

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