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Deaf Jokes

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Two Deaf People Get Married

Two Deaf people get married
During 1st week of marrige they found they are unable to communicate in bedroom with the lights out as they can't see each other signing and lipsing.
After several nights of fumbling and misunderstanding they finally came up with a solution
The wife said
Why ...

A blind man, a deaf man, and a mute man like a woman

The blind man, to impress her, says: "If I could see anything, I wish I could see your face."


The deaf man says: "If I could hear anything, I wish I could hear your voice."


The mute man says:
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I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf...

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mother that my new girlfriend is disabled. Now we wait.
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My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend!

Honestly, I should have seen the signs.
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A deaf guy walks into a bar

The bartender says
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Many people told Beethoven that he would never be a musician because he was deaf, but

Did he listen?
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A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex...

The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."

The husband says, "OK if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."

What do you call a group of deaf people?

I don’t know. But it is definitely not herd.
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I visited my doctor today, he told me that I’m going deaf.

That was difficult to hear.
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The deaf wife problem.

Fred feared his wife Rhonda wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give t...
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My doctor told me that I was going deaf 3 years ago…

I haven’t heard from him since.
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I think my deaf girlfriend is falling in love with a deaf friend of hers.

I’ve been noticing——the signs aren’t good.
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A deaf girl asked me if I wanted to hear a joke. I said “sure!”

She said “me too”.
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My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”

That’s….not a good sign.
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A deaf accountant works for the mafia.

One day, the king pin mafioso is checking out the books and notices there's a million dollars missing. He calls a meeting with the deaf accountant and a sign language translator.

"Ok, there's a million dollars missing, where is it?" asks the king pin. Translator says, "There's a million dolla...

Did you hear the one about the deaf guy?

Neither did he.
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What do you call a deaf dog?

Doesn’t matter, it won’t come.
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If a deaf kid swears in sign language,

does his mom wash his hands with soap?
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A woman thinks her husband is going deaf.

A woman thinks her husband is going deaf, so she calls the doctor to ask what to do. He tells her to start far away in the house, ask a question, and come closer and closer, asking the question, until he can hear her. So, one day, while he's watching t.v. in the living room, she goes to th farthest ...
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What does a deaf gynecologist do?

>! He reads lips !<
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What do you call it when a deaf person flips you off?

A finger of speech!
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My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

Damn near poked my eye out.
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How many deaf electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Watt?
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A man is convinced is wife is going deaf, but she won't admit it. So he decides to test his theory once and for all.

While she's standing at the sink, he stands about six steps behind her and says, "What's for dinner, dear?"

When there's no answer, he steps a few steps closer and repeats the question.

Again there's no response, so he moves right to his wife's shoulder and asks: "What's for dinner, de...
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A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".

The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"

The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
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Deaf gynecologist

What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

A lip reader.
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Say what you want about deaf people…

That’s it, you can say whatever you want.
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What do you call a deaf and blind axe murderer?

Helen Killer
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This deaf girl used to flirt with me constantly, but I was oblivious to it.

I wish I could have read the signs.
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I feel so bad for the deaf people who need to read lips to communicate, because of all of the face masks right now.

Let's give them all a moment of silence.
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Two identical twin brothers, George and Ted, turned 100. George's hearing was just as good as ever, but Ted was slightly deaf.

An attractive female photographer came to the retirement home to take the brothers' picture. "I'm going to take your picture," she said.

"What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says she's going to take our picture," replied George. So George and Ted followed the photographer to a room.

Ins...
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Did you hear about the deaf accountant?

Her payments were in arrears.
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Deaf standup:

I know a deaf stand up comedian and he’s one of the funniest comedians I’ve ever seen, he doesn’t have good jokes it’s just the way he tells them
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Why did the men in the barbershop quartet refuse to go fishing with their tone deaf friend?

He couldn't hold a tuna.
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How do you stop an argument between 2 deaf people?

Turn off the lights.
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Bumped into an old deaf friend today.

Him: Wanna hear a joke?

Me: Sure.

Him: Same here.
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I'm organizing a convention for a charity that develops and donates devices which provide audible alerts for deaf/mute individuals at their moment of orgasm.

We'll let you know who's coming.

If a deaf person has to go to court...

Is it still called a hearing?
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"Doctor, I think I'm going deaf."

Doctor said, "Describe the symptoms."


\- "Well, Homer is bald, Marge has blue hair..."
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Why does a horny deaf chick wear tight pants?

So that you could read her lips

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A deaf couple was in bed...

A deaf couple was in bed, preparing to be intimate. The wife asked her husband if he was feeling kinky. He asked her why, and she described a sexual act she had recently learned about. She explained how she would wear a strap-on and stand on the side of the bed, holding his feet high in the air unti...

I hate arguing with deaf people

I already said you can't convince me by beating me at rock paper scissors!
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I had sex with a deaf guy, and later found out he's married

It was a quiet affair.

What STI makes you go deaf?

Hearing AIDS
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The almost-deaf genie

A man enters a pub and goes to the bar, he orders a whiskey and, after drinking it he pays and when her turns around to leave he sees a humongous rooster, 6’ tall, roaming around the pub.
“What the….” The man says, turning back to the bartender:
“Ugh, don’t ask me, ask that genie over there”; ...

There was a fight between a blind man, a deaf man, and a mute man

I just have to ask, how long until we end this senseless violence?
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An Englishman ,a Scotsman and an Irishman are all going to give speeches to the Deaf Society and are keen to make an impression on their audience…

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin.

When he finishes, the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

"Well…" he explained, "By rubbing my chest, I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing m...

Jokes about deaf people are NEVER acceptable.

Imagine how they’d feel if they heard those jokes about them?
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What do you call a deaf man wearing crocs?

Whatever you want, he can't hear you.
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A group of deaf people get together to protest

The group begins chanting

“What do we want?”

“Hearing aids!”

When do we want them?”

“Hearing aids!
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What do you call a deaf dog?

Anything you like, it can't hear you.
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I'm worried about my deaf friend who glued his forefinger to his thumb.

But he says he's A-OK.
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How Does a Deaf Mathematician Say Hello?

With a Sine Wave!
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When you see a deaf couple holding hands, maybe it's not romantic....

Maybe they just want each other to shut the fuck up.

An old man is concerned that his wife is starting to go deaf...

The old man goes to the doctor and says, "My wife can't hear very well anymore and I am getting worried. What should I do to help her?"

The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "First we need to understand how serious the problem is. Stand 25 feet away from her and ask her a question. If she ...
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Why didn’t Beethoven clap upon the ratification of new legislature ensuring protection for deaf individuals?

You don’t applaud at the end of a movement.
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My deaf brother

My deaf brother was using his hands to make signals.

It was almost as if he was trying to tell me something.
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There was once a blind finn, deaf dane and a swede, who was in a wheelchair.

They found a bottle whose spirit promised everyone a wish.

The finn wished first, and soon yelled: I CAN SEE I CAN SEE!

then the dane wished, and soon yelled: I CAN HEAR I CAN HEAR!

Then the swede wished, and soon he yelled: NEW TIRES NEW TIRES!
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Did anyone else know September is deaf awareness month?

I’d never heard of it.
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Did you know about the deaf shepherd who gathered his flock and herd?

What about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?
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Tesla held a charity convention for the deaf last week

the entire day was just sign, sign everywhere a sign
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I heard a terrible joke about a deaf person yesterday.

They didn't though.
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i'm making a sitcom about a group of deaf friends who live together in new york

it's called signfeld
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When a deaf girl jacks you off

It's technically oral
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HEY! I've got a joke. Have you heard the one about the deaf guy?

Neither did he.
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A mute guy, a deaf guy and a drunk guy walk into a bar...

The mute guy says

“What are you guys having to drink?”

The deaf guy realizes that the mute just somehow talked and asks him

“How come you just spoke if you’re mute?”

The drunk guy starts to come to his senses about the situation that the supposed deaf guy somehow heard...
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How do you stop two deaf people from arguing?

Tie their hands behind their backs.
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Why do deaf people masturbate with one hand?

To moan with the other

A blind guy, a deaf guy and a disabled guy in a wheelchair pass by a magic lake.

Just for fun, they decide to try out this supposedly miraculous lake. The blind guy stumbles in first and stays around in the water for a while, Then he comes out, bouncing with joy, saying "My sight has returned! I can see now!". The deaf guy went in right after and took a swim. He came out just as...
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A newly wed deaf couple are setting ground rules on their honeymoon.

The bride says, “If you want to have sex with me massage my breasts. If you don’t tap my belly.”

The groom says, “That’s a great idea! If you want to have sex with me tug my penis, if you don’t tug it a 100 times.”

A husband suspects his wife may be going deaf.

To test this, he goes a few feet behind her, and softly whispers “Honey, can you hear me?”

There is no response, so he takes a step forward, and softly says again “Honey, can you hear me?” Again, there is no response

The husband goes right behind his wife, and again says “Honey can yo...
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My dad is deaf, blind, has lost alot of skin, never brushes his teeth, and he's probably got worms but wont go to the doctor. How can I help him?

stop digging up his corpse
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A deaf couple got married...

And on their wedding night, as they laid down in bed and before turning the lights out, they realized they needed a way to communicate with each other in the dark (since they used sign language to talk to each other).

The woman looked lovingly at her husband and said (in sign language, of co...

How do you end two deaf persons' arguing?

Switch off the light.
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Two deaf-mute kids were arguing.

The mother came and turned off the light.
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A man and a deaf person are in a conversation

After a few minutes, they run out of things to talk about.
They stand there for a time, and then the man signs: "The conversation's gone quiet now, hasn't it?"


The deaf person then signs "How should I know?"
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A deaf couple are struggling to initiate sex...

A deaf couple is struggling to initiate sex in the dark of night, so they decide to sit down and communicate a work around.

The wife starts writing on a notepad, “If you want to have sex with with me, squeeze my left breast once, and if you don’t want to have sex with me squeeze my right bre...

What did the blind, deaf, mentally handicapped orphan get for Christmas?

Cancer.
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Did you know spiders go deaf if they have no legs?

Well it’s true and here’s why.

When I was a child I had a pet a spider. It was great I even trained him to jump. ‘Jump’ I’d shout and with a boing he’d leap into the air.

Well my brother saw this and in a jealous rage he pulled the spiders legs off!

I was heartbroken. ‘Jump’ I’...
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