I told my girlfriend my mother is deaf...

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mom that my new girlfriend is disabled.

And now we wait.

The doctor told me I'm going deaf...

The news was hard for me to hear

My dad always says not to crank the car radio too high or I'll go deaf. Imagine if that happened.

I would never hear the end of it.

After he became deaf, many people told Beethoven that his career as a composer was over.

But did he listen?

How does a deaf gynecologist know what is his patients’ issues are?

He reads lips

"Doctor, I think I'm going deaf."

Doctor said, "Describe the symptoms."


\- "Well, Homer is bald, Marge has blue hair..."

I heard a terrible joke about a deaf person yesterday.

They didn't though.

What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

A lip reader

What do you call a group of deaf people?

I don't know. But it is definitely not herd.

What did the blind, deaf and mute quadriplegic get for Christmas?

Cancer.

What do Deaf people and Italians have in common?

They both talk with their hands.

My deaf girlfriend cheated on me with her best friend

I should've seen the signs.

Why do deaf people make the best gynecologists?

Because they can read lips

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Why don’t deaf girls care about orgasms?

Because they’ve never heard of them.

Did you hear about the deaf man that lost in court?

Sadly, that’s not the only hearing he lost.

If a deaf person has to go to court...

...is it still a hearing?



I am hard of hearing myself, I found it funny. I am going to hell.

My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”

That is not a good sign.

What do you call it when a deaf person faceplants into quicksand?

Lip sinking.

I feel so bad for the deaf people who need to read lips to communicate, because of all of the face masks right now.

Let's give them all a moment of silence.

How can you mute someone who’s deaf?

Turn off the lights

If a deaf person has to go to court...

its still considered a hearing.

did you hear the joke about the deaf guy?

neither did he.

A husband suspects his wife may be going deaf.

To test this, he goes a few feet behind her, and softly whispers “Honey, can you hear me?”

There is no response, so he takes a step forward, and softly says again “Honey, can you hear me?” Again, there is no response

The husband goes right behind his wife, and again says “Honey can yo...

Left my ex-wife after catching her cheating on me with her deaf best friend..

I honestly should have read all the signs

If those who can’t hear are deaf, and those who can’t see are blind, what do you call those who can’t smell or taste?

Covid positive.

What do you call a deaf dog?

Doesn’t matter, he ain’t coming.

Two years ago, my doctor told me I was going deaf.

I haven’t heard from him since.

A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".

The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"

The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"

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What did the deaf prostitute say to her customer?

Cum again?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A deaf and mute orphan in a small village...

...is found pregnant. The villagers cannot find any way to get the poor girl to help them find out what happened. As the girl is due to give birth, a nasty rumor begins to circulate among the folk: the preacher is to blame.

The preacher does not expect the villagers to care much for the vile ...

People used to say to the deaf kid he couldn't do anything in life.

But he didn't listen.

A cowboy and a Roman soldier walked to a bar, and the bartender is deaf....

... The cowboy wanted 4 beers, so he showed 4 fingers and the roman soldier wanted 4 beers so he showed 3 fingers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

my deaf girlfriend caught watching porn

She's deafinitely pissed off this time.

*caught me

now she's deaf-initely pissed

My deaf sibling asked if i wanted to hear a joke

I replied “sure”

They said “me too”

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A deaf-mute walks up to a foursome on the first hole at St. Andrews

He hands one of the players a card that says, “I am a deaf-mute, playing as a single, may I play through?”   
  
The player, a total jerk, shakes his head no and points the deaf-mute to go back and wait his turn.
  
A few holes later, the jerk gets hit in the head by a golf ball while ...

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A newly wed deaf couple are setting ground rules on their honeymoon.

The bride says, “If you want to have sex with me massage my breasts. If you don’t tap my belly.”

The groom says, “That’s a great idea! If you want to have sex with me tug my penis, if you don’t tug it a 100 times.”

A mute guy, a deaf guy and a drunk guy walk into a bar...

The mute guy says

“What are you guys having to drink?”

The deaf guy realizes that the mute just somehow talked and asks him

“How come you just spoke if you’re mute?”

The drunk guy starts to come to his senses about the situation that the supposed deaf guy somehow heard...

Say what you want about deaf kids...

They won’t hear.

How did you know the deaf man was dead via video call?

When I asked if he was okay, he showed no sign of life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do deaf people masturbate with one hand?

To moan with the other

did yall hear what happened to the deaf kid?

nope, neither did he

A man thinks his wife is getting deaf.

A man is sitting in his living room while his wife is working in the room next to it. As he gets up to prepare some coffee, he yells if she wants some too. There’s no response. “My wife seems to be losing her hearing”, he thinks.

He visits their doctor, asking for advice. “Doctor, my wife nev...

I wrote a terrible joke about deaf people.

I’m just glad they’ll never hear it.

Fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people?

Just switch off the light!

When you see a deaf couple holding hands, maybe it's not romantic.

Maybe they just want each other to shut up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A deaf couple are struggling to initiate sex...

A deaf couple is struggling to initiate sex in the dark of night, so they decide to sit down and communicate a work around.

The wife starts writing on a notepad, “If you want to have sex with with me, squeeze my left breast once, and if you don’t want to have sex with me squeeze my right bre...

Did you know spiders go deaf if they have no legs?

Well it’s true and here’s why.

When I was a child I had a pet a spider. It was great I even trained him to jump. ‘Jump’ I’d shout and with a boing he’d leap into the air.

Well my brother saw this and in a jealous rage he pulled the spiders legs off!

I was heartbroken. ‘Jump’ I’...

Deaf people are really lucky

They don’t know what it’s like to hear Donald speak

Ever hear about the deaf guy who walked into a bar?

Neither did I, but I have one hell of a bruise now.

There was a protest against deaf people.

Everyone brought "stop signs".

Why should you never trust a deaf pirate?

In case of mute-iny

A £10 loan & a deaf Scotsman...

Angus is a bit short of money so he rings his friend Dougal to ask if he can borrow £ 10.

He reverse the phone call & Dougal accepts the charge.


Angus says: 'Can you lend me £ 10? & I'll pay you back'

Dougal says: 'I cant hear, You'll have to speak up'

<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there's a deaf accountant who works for the mafia.

One day, the kingpin mafioso is checking out the books and notices there's a million dollars missing. He calls a meeting with the deaf accountant and a sign language translator.

"Ok, there's a million dollars missing, where is it?" asks the kingpin. Translator says, "There's a million dollars...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 deaf guys walk into a bar

1 sits down and the other walks up to the bar. The deaf man says "I'd like 2 pints of bitter please" the bartender pours the pints and says to the man " that would be £16" the man says "£16 why £16" the bartender replies "that's 8 for the bitter and 8 for the music" the man asks "music what music. I...

Two identical twin brothers, George and Ted, turned 100. George's hearing was just as good as ever, but Ted was slightly deaf.

An attractive female photographer came to the retirement home to take the brothers' picture. "I'm going to take your picture," she said.

"What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says she's going to take our picture," replied George. So George and Ted followed the photographer to a room.

Ins...

I'm so tone deaf that

I can't even tell the difference between A# and Bb.

The first rule of deaf club

Nyou nu not nalk amout nef glub

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife is deaf and we worked out a nice system of signals for when we want to have sex.

If I want sex, I'll tap her on the butt once. If no sex, tap her twice. If she wants to have sex, she pulls my dick once. If she doesn't want to have sex, she pulls my dick 452 times.
Copied comment from u/TooShiftyForYou from r/videos

This deaf girl used to flirt with me constantly, but I was oblivious to it.

I wish I could have read the signs.

How did the deaf gynecologist make it to the top of his profession?

He's a great lip reader.

What did a drunk guy say to a deaf guy who accidentally hit him with his elbow?

"Hey, watch your language!"

A blind man, a deaf man and a mute were murdered.

Police said these were senseless killings.

If a deaf kid swears in sign language,

does his mom wash his hands with soap?

There was once a partly deaf man.

He couldn't hear low noises and could only hear loud ones.

One day, he went to the Doctor for his monthly checkup. He was sitting with the Doctor. The Doctor kept talking and talking for a long time. The deaf man then said:

"Doctor, I can't understand what you're saying. Usually I can ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A deaf-mute guy goes into a pharmacy to buy some condoms

After looking around the shop for a while and being unable to spot what he wants, he goes up to the counter and signs to the pharmacist, who only looks at him in mild bewilderment. The deaf-mute pats his pockets for a pencil and paper only to realize that he's come out without any, and he resorts to...

What did the innocent prisoner say to the partially deaf warden?

I beg your pardon(?)

What do you call the tone deaf brutes that hang out with rock musicians?

Bassists.

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

Damn near poked my eye out.

What do you call a man who’s blind, deaf, mute, and paralyzed?

Probably dead.

What do you call a deaf elephant?

Whatever you want. It's not like he can hear you.

How does a deaf person accept a package?

They sign for it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A deaf guy stole his neighbor's chicken

Next morning, she sees him and says "good morning"
He responds "WHAT FUCKING CHICKEN!?"

I just got reminded of my ex-wife who is deaf, she left me for another deaf person.

To be honest, I should have seen the signs.

How do you stop two deaf people from arguing?

Turn off the lights.


Sorry if this is a repost, btw. I haven’t seen it anywhere.

My friend's a gynecologist and recently went deaf, but don't worry...

He's been reading lips for years

I believe deaf people have the most fans

After all they are always signing stuff.

This joke could be thirty years too late.

What do you call a leopard missing a paw?



Deaf.

A man goes to his doctor and says that he's half deaf..

After examining the man the doctor couldn't find anything wrong. He told the man he was going to try something unusual. He directed the man to go to the end of the hall, listen for the number the doctor yells and repeat it back to him.

The man makes his way out to the end of the hall and sho...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man suspect his wife that she might be deaf

She is not responding to his words
So he decided to test her hearing
He entered the Kitchen where she were making launch, he stood near the door, shouted: honey what's the launch? No response from the wife, he gets closer, honey, WHAT is the launch!
No response, get closer and closer HONEY,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two freinds are sitting on a bench, a deaf elderly woman and a elderly man.

While they are chatting, the woman speaking and the man signing, the man would stop and laugh, making a visible laughing motion that the woman sees.

The woman eventually asks what is so funny and the man signs backing, "Oh it's nothing."

They move on and the woman eventually says that ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stroke of Genius

A deaf newlywed couple are on their honeymoon about to consummate their marriage. They get in bed and turn the lights out. Seconds later the wife turns her bedside lamp on.
Wife: Honey, we need a way of communicating in the dark.
Husband: You're right. Suggestions?
Wife:Ok. If you want sex...

An old man suspects that his wife has become deaf as she wasn't responding to him

So he calls the doctor to make an appointment. The doctor suggests to make a rough measure of her deafness before bringing her into the hospital.

He sees her wife working at the kitchen.

He stands 30 feet away from her and asks,
"Honey, is the dinner ready?"
She doesn't respond<...

A scientist is researching how far frogs can jump

He places the frog on the table and says "Frog, jump!" And the frog jumps a full 18 feet. He write 18ft in his notes. The scientist cuts off one of the frogs legs and says "Frog, jump!" And the frog jumps 14 feet. He scribbles 14ft in his notes. He cuts off a second leg, says "Frog, jump!" - the fro...

True Story: My Aunt Just Adopted a Deaf Pitbull and was Wondering what to call him.

I told her, "It doesn't matter, he won't come anyway."

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