UPJOKE

Deaf Man Jokes

What do you call a deaf man wearing crocs?

Whatever you want, he can't hear you.

A blind man, a deaf man, and a mute man like a woman

The blind man, to impress her, says: "If I could see anything, I wish I could see your face."


The deaf man says: "If I could hear anything, I wish I could hear your voice."


The mute man says:

If a deaf man goes to court

Is it still called a hearing?

A blind man talking to a deaf man :

-Good thing you can at least see!
At which the deaf man responds :

A deaf man had a bike helmet that would vibrate if there was a loud noise from behind him to alert him of any vehicle’s presence

I guess you could call it his handy cap

How did you know the deaf man was dead via video call?

When I asked if he was okay, he showed no sign of life.

There was a fight between a blind man, a deaf man, and a mute man

I just have to ask, how long until we end this senseless violence?

A blind man, paraplegic, and deaf man visit a healer on a mountain.

The blind man goes up the trail using his white cane. Arriving at the top he asks to be healed and so it is. He throws his cane off the mountain and comes back down.

The paraplegic goes up the mountain with great difficult and asks to be healed and so it is. He throws his wheelchair off the m...

There was once a partly deaf man.

He couldn't hear low noises and could only hear loud ones.

One day, he went to the Doctor for his monthly checkup. He was sitting with the Doctor. The Doctor kept talking and talking for a long time. The deaf man then said:

"Doctor, I can't understand what you're saying. Usually I can ...

A blind man was talking to a deaf man

He said to the deaf man, "You're as deaf as a doornail!"
Another guy came along and said, "You're talking to a doornail."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Deaf Man Steals Chicken

There once was a deaf man named Jeff who lived in the countryside. He had this neighbor, Brad, who raised some chickens in his front yard.

One day, Jeff was was walking by his neighbor's house and saw one fat juicy chicken that caught his eye. Seeing that there was no one around, Jeff stole ...

A deaf man and his interpreter walk into a bar ...

A deaf man and his interpreter walk into a bar.

The bartender says "How many drinks can I get you?"

The deaf man holds up three fingers and his interpreter says "Six".

What did the lawyer say to the deaf man?

Listen buddy, I really feel like you are signing your life away.

A deaf man walks into a restaurant. He asks a server if he can use his credit card in the jukebox.

She replies “You can’t hear”

Did you hear about the deaf man who escaped a murderous gang of mute mime artists?

Yeah, he saw them coming.

Why did the deaf man put a watch on his ear?

Because he wanted to hear all the time.

What do you get when you flip off a blind man, and cuss out a deaf man?

Fired from your nursing job.

Two men are in love with a woman

One of the men is a doctor, and the other a deaf man

Every day, the doctor brings the woman a flower as a sign of his affection.

Every day, the deaf man brings the woman an apple.

She asks him, “Why do you bring me an apple? A flower I understand, but what is the purpose of th...

A friend of mine have been in a wheelchair all his life

Having tried everything available to try and walk he trying to me for help. As a man of religion, the only thing I could consider what’s the take him to Lourdes in France, and try the healing water is there.

As we looked on m, a blind man went into the waters and was dipped, when he came out,...

Sounds of Silence

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break, about being out late the night before. The first man signed," My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."

The second deaf man signed back, "You're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A deaf accountant works for the mafia.

One day, the king pin mafioso is checking out the books and notices there's a million dollars missing. He calls a meeting with the deaf accountant and a sign language translator.

"Ok, there's a million dollars missing, where is it?" asks the king pin. Translator says, "There's a million dolla...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 deaf guys walk into a bar

1 sits down and the other walks up to the bar. The deaf man says "I'd like 2 pints of bitter please" the bartender pours the pints and says to the man " that would be £16" the man says "£16 why £16" the bartender replies "that's 8 for the bitter and 8 for the music" the man asks "music what music. I...

Due to severe overpopulation, God now only allows people who have died terrible deaths to enter Heaven.

WAs God waits near a gate, he is approached a man, where God immediately asks him, "How did you die?".

The man replied, "Well you see, I have always suspected that my wife was cheating on me for at least a few years now. I came home one day to my apartment to see her lying naked in bed, and w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a bizarre black-market concession stand in North America which sells only human body parts

Customers who wish to purchase an item must use code-phrases to avoid the authorities' suspicion.

One night a blind man stops by the stand.

"What would you like to purchase today?" asks the cashier.

"Oh, nothing" the blind man says, "I was just *looking* around!"

An few h...

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