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Crucified Jokes

Why is crucified Jesus always depicted with six pack abs?

He did CrossFit.

The bible says that, after Jesus was crucified, Joseph of Arimathea gave him his tomb to be buried in

What the bible does not mention is that Joseph's tomb was extremely fancy and expensive- marble carvings, wall paintings, the best 30AD had to offer.

Naturally, Joseph's friends were very surprised. "Joseph," they said, "Why did you give such a marvelous tomb to the poor son of a carpenter?"<...

What's the difference between being married and being crucified?

Crucifixion only lasts days.

Jesus crucified on the cross yelled out Peter's name

Peter! Peter! Peter!

Peter wasn't allowed to go near the cross by the soldiers, so with great difficulty he fought them all off.

With tears in his eyes eventually he reached the cross and joined both his hands,
"What is it my lord?"

"Peter, i can see the roof of your house."

Why didn't Jesus get crucified a second time when he came back to life?

Nobody double-crosses Jesus.

They say Jesus wasn't angry about getting crucified

But I think he was pretty crossed

Why wasn't Jesus allowed to return to his food service job after he was crucified?

They were afraid of *cross*\-contamination

Do you think Jesus was upset about being crucified?

I heard he was pretty cross about the whole thing.

Jesus is crucified on Golgotha, a hill overlooking Jerusalem

On the first day, Jesus calls out to his friend and disciple Peter. "Peter, please, come to me," Jesus shouts.

However, Jesus is being guarded by soldiers who have been told not to let anyone speak to Jesus.

This doesn't deter Peter, who hears the cries of his Messiah and tries to bypa...

Did you know that Jesus was actually crucified for starting fires everywhere?

He died for arsons.

If Jesus comes back and is crucified again

Does that mean he's been double crossed

I’ve never been crucified...

But Jesus, that must hurt!

I wonder how it feels to get crucified

I would be pretty cross

With faint voice, crucified Jesus calls Petrus...

"Petrus, come closer, I have to tell you something important."
Petrus steps to the cross, looking up to Jesus: "Yes master, what is it?"
"Please come closer.", Jesus whispers.
Petrus takes a ladder and climbs up to Jesus. "Yes master, I'm here, what is it?"
Jesus: "From up here I can see...

I understand why Jesus was crucified

But the crown of thorns is a real head scratcher.

A young roman boy spoke his last words as he was being crucified.

"I'm used to getting hammered but this wasn't quite what I was expecting"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus is crucified and ascends to Heaven.

When he arrives, he is beyond pissed at God. He says "Dad, why did you let them nail me to a piece of wood? That fucking hurt!" and God replies "Don't get cross with me, young man!"

Ever hear the joke Jesus made right before he was crucified?

I heard he nailed it.

When Jesus Christ was crucified his cross was custom made

It fit him to a t

Today, Jesus rose from the dead. He had been wipped, spat on, flogged, humiliated, and crucified.

In fact, he was beaten so badly you'd think he flew united.

There were two thieves who were also being crucified next to Jesus. One of them said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.”

Jesus looked towards the thief and said, “Truly I say to you, today you shall be with me in para...ARE THOSE MY SANDALS!”

What do you call a crucified zombie?

Jesus Christ.

I love showing up to religious conventions cosplaying as a crucified Jesus.

I'm a cross dresser.

On Reddit you get crucified for not checking your facts...

But on Tumblr you get beheaded for not checking your privelage.

AI learns that Jesus was crucified to save everyone from their sins and he'll. AI believes in redundant safety.

AI clones 1000 jesuses and crucifies them all

What’s the difference between Jesus Christ and Matt Gaetz?

Matt Gaetz is not coming back after he’s crucified

Why were all Roman buildings made of stone?

They crucified the carpenter.

A couple went Christmas shopping with their three young children.

After hours of traipsing around toyshops and hearing their kids ask for every item on the shelves, they were totally fed-up. Weighed down with the bags, they squeezed into the crowded elevator to take them to the parking garage.

The husband sighed aloud to nobody in particular, “Whoever star...

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Three blonde friends died together in a car wreck...

They found themselves standing in front of the pearly gates with St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was about.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a big holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey."

"Nooooo," sa...

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha?

I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.


*-Anthony Jeselnik, Shakespeare*

I don't like to make jokes about religion anymore...

Last time I did I was crucified for it...


and I thought I nailed it.

My favorite Easter Joke

St Peter meets three new potential Heaven Members and says, “Ok, tonight we’re going to have a quiz. Just a simple question: What is Easter?”

The first guy says, “oh, that’s easy. It’s when the family gets together and have turkey and mashed potatoes and…”

“No, no. That’s Thanksgiving!...

Robert Mugabe, an unpopular dictator from an African nation, visited Israel with his top government officials.

Unfortunately, he died during the visit. The Israelis offered to bury him in Israel for free, explaining that it will save money that can be used to help the poor people of his country. His entourage discussed the proposition and declined the offer saying that they'd rather bring back the remains of...

I hate christmas

Whoever invented it should be crucified

My son's teacher called and said my son might be the next Jesus

because they crucified him on the playground

I said: well give it three days

I am 33 and I feel like the pressure is on.

33 was the age Jesus Christ was crucified. I feel like someone really needs to nail me.

What is Easter?

As told to me by a priest when I was little:

Three bad Catholics die and go to heaven. Saint Peter says to them "To get into heaven, you must pass a quiz first. What is Easter?"

The first Catholic steps up and says, "Easter is the holiday when a big fat man comes down your chimney an...

There was this church that was so so small

That instead of having a crucified jesus they had one hanging

Three men die and are at the pearly gates ...

St Peter explains to them that, while in the old days God demanded that only Christians who closely studied the Bible could get into Heaven, times have changed and requirements have been relaxed. These days, you only need to know the basics.
St Peter turns to the first man and says, "if you can...

Three blondes

Three blondes are driving down the street in a little car and get in an accident in which they all die. They awake to find themselves at the gates of Heaven, with Saint Peter smiling sweetly. He welcomes them and announces "ladies, before me I have the book of life. In it, i can see you've done some...

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[Religion] If you're religious this is not for you. The setup is completely fictional. Please don't get offended.

The catholic church would have you believe that Jesus Christ was one single person while, actually they were a set of twins - Jesus and Christ. It was through this that Jesus came back to life, Christ was crucified and Jesus made a religion by apparently coming back to life.
Christ was a...

One day in April, three blondes died at the same time and found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

"All three of you have sinned your whole lives," said St. Peter. "Normally, I would send you straight to hell. But since it's near Easter, if you can tell me what Easter is, I will let you into heaven."

"I know what Easter is!" said the first blonde. "Easter is when you dress up as something ...

A dad is on his death bed and ask to talk to his only son.

Son: Dad, please tell me what I can do for you before you go.

Father: Alright son, my only wish would be for you to bring both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton back to our house before I die.

Son: I'll do my best.

*3 hours later the son somehow manages to bring Donald Trump and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 guys die and go to heaven ...

... St. Peter is working the gate and tells the men, "All your paperwork appears to be in order. But before I allow you into heaven I need you to answer one final essay question. In 50 words or less, can you tell me the true meaning of Easter?"

The first man scratches his head, "Well, you cut...

There was a very religious man that bought a nail factory

When the factory was about to open he hired a marketing guy to make a TV commercial, his only instruction was that it had to have a catholic theme. A few days go past and the guy returns with the video to show the factory owner. The video starts: there's a Roman soldier nailing Jesus, who is all blo...

My favorite Jesus joke

Jesus had just been crucified and a crowd was gathering near the cross. Among the crowd was Peter, silently praying.

Suddenly Peter heard someone whisper "Hey, Peter". Confused, Peter looked around to see who was talking. He didn't see anyone who would be talking to him so he went back to pra...

A young carpenter was looking to make some money...

Shortly after Jesus was crucified, a young carpenter saw his opportunity to make some money from the late martyr. He began making small wooden crucifixes depicting Jesus, and people were queuing up to buy them.

One day, a man came in with a request. "I want you to make the biggest crucifix y...

God decides to tighten the requirements to get into heaven. You must know the real reason to celebrate holidays.

A redhead, brunette and a blonde are at the pearly gates, and St Peter asks them why we celebrate Easter.

The redhead says, "We celebrate Easter by giving chocolate bunnies and going on Easter Egg hunts!" St. Peter says, "Sorry, you can't get into heaven."

The brunette goes, "We celeb...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Son was causing problems...

He didn't study, was rude to everyone, never listened to anyone. Dad tried various things to get him in line but nothing helped.

One night when dad was meeting with his friends, he asked them for advice. He heard again the things he already tried. Then one of the guys sugested that he should...

Happy Easter

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?

The first blonde replies, "Oh...

Jesus vs The Sea

Jesus after just been crucified reappears to his disciples to tell them for their kindness he will grant them a single wish before he ascends into heaven.
The disciples gather together to confer and after much discussion Peter says "Can you do that walking on water thing again?" "It looked pretty...

Easter Joke (Long)

A Sikh, a Hindu, and a Buddhist all die and go to heaven. Saint Peter greets them at the gate and tells them, "Well I have good news, and I have bad news. The bad news is you guys backed the wrong horse. Christianity is the one true faith. The good news is that you still have a chance to enter heave...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three blondes are in front of the Heavenly Gate...

Each of the blondes lives a sinful and depraved life of sex and drugs. Yet, after their deaths they find themselves before Saint Peter. Peter looks at these three girls and shakes his head.

Then after a moment he speaks, "O.K girls. The Lord as decided to be merciful and give you another cha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So these three blondes die trying to jump the Grand Canyon...

Fortunately for them, they were all Christians, so they went straight up to Heaven and met Saint Peter at the gate. He put down his newspaper and greeted the women with a smile. "Alright ladies, I have no problem letting you into Heaven, but you need to answer me one simple question- what is Easte...

Three blondes die and go to Heaven.

Stop laughing, that's not the whole joke.

They're standing outside the Pearly Gates when St. Peter comes out and says, "Welcome to Heaven. We've been having some problems with break-ins lately, so I just need you to answer one simple question, and you can get in to Heaven. What is Easter?"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sadistic tyrant was finally defeated and dethroned.

During his decades of reign, the tyrant had used many cruel and unusual punishments against those who had stood against him. He had people doused in boiling water, he had cut limbs off people without just cause, he had them crucified and more.

He enjoyed watching people suffer. However, his b...

A winery is looking for a taster and so the vintner puts an ad out in the paper.

The next day, a man arrives at the office. He has greasy hair and a five o'clock shadow, he's wearing a filthy jacket and torn jeans, he obviously hasn't had a shower since Christ was crucified, and he smells strongly of stale tobacco smoke and cheap beer. The vintner sees the man's obviously a ho...

Jesus is wandering through the desert

Jesus is wandering through the desert, desperately seeking his father. It has been 40 days and 40 nights since he last rested or had a meal and he is exhausted.

Just as he thinks he can't take it any more, he sees a figure on the distant horizon. He manages to summon up the energy to stumble ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys die in a drunk driving accident...

...and their three souls float up to heaven. They arrive at the gates of heaven, and after a minute, Saint Peter appears before them. Saint Peter says, "Boys, I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have died in a horrible car accident. We would love to welcome you into heaven, but you first must pass o...

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