I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall....

“I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say ‘Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.’”

— Demetri Martin

A tourist in New York wants to visit Carnegie Hall, so he's walking down the street trying to find it.

He sees a musician carrying a violin case going the opposite way. He stops him and asks: "How do I get to Carnegie Hall?"

Without missing a beat, the musician replies, "Practice, practice, practice."

The Violin Ensemble playing in Carnegie Hall somehow got an R-18 rating...

The censors say it contains explicit scenes of violins encore.

Barack Obama went to a costume party...

Barack Obama went to a costume party while giving his wife a piggy-back ride.

The host of the party greeted them, saying “hello Mr. President! I’m so glad you’re here, but what are you dressed as?”

Obama responded, “a snail! That’s Michelle on my back!”


Credit to Tim Pearce ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman I had been seeing told me after we had sex for the first time, "I didn't know you had such a small organ."

I told her, "I didn't know I was going to be playing Carnegie Hall."

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