UPJOKE
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An Angry man went to the store to return a thermos.

The cashier asked what was wrong with it.

“Well” said the man “it’s supposed to keep cool things cool”

“Yep”

“And hot things hot”

“Exactly”

“Well it doesn’t work. I put a cup of hot soup and 2 scoops of ice cream in here, and when I took them out they were ruined...

Daryl was sitting in his house when came a loud knock on his door. He went to the door and a salesman was standing there with an unfamiliar object in his hand. “What’s that?” asked Daryl. “It’s a Thermos.”

Intrigued, Daryl asked, “What does it do?”

Shifting into the sales pitch he said, “This little jewel is amazing. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”

After some discussion Daryl purchased one thinking it would really help with his lunch situation at work. The next day he arr...

My new thermos is incredible...

Four days ago I filled it with room temperature water, and it's *still* room temperature.

My thermos flask keeps my hot drinks hot, cold drinks cold

But how does it know?

A blonde wanted to try out ice fishing. She went out and purchased all the gear she would need and headed to a local spot to try to catch some fish.

She went out onto the ice with her gear and after getting comfy on the stool, she started to cut a circular hole in the ice as she had seen on the internet. As she was cutting, she heard a voice from the heavens speak out, saying, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde was startled. Sh...

See? To prove I'm not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!

Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?

Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!

Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..

Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.

The boss comes into work carrying a thermos...

His blonde secretary had never seen one before.

"What's that thing?" she asks.

"Oh, this?" he says, "It's just my thermos. It keeps my hot things hot and my cold things cold. Damn convenient."

"Oh wow, that DOES sound convenient!" she exclaims, "I might have to get myself one of...

My ThermoFluids prof told us this one before a final

Four engineers get into a car and try to turn it on, but it doesn't start.

The mechanical engineer immediately pipes up and says "The pistons must be shot! Someone get me tool kit and I'll take apart the engine to fix it."

The chemical engineer then goes "No, no, no the fuel is clearly...

A blonde notices that her coworker has a thermos

So she asks him what it's for.

He responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

The blonde immediately buys one for herself.

The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it.

Her coworker asks, "What do you have in it?"

She replies, "Soup and ic...

I think my thermos is broken

It says it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold but I put in 3 cups of coffee and a popsicle and now they're both ruined

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Sex Shop Shenanigans

A guy started working in a sex shop. The boss said that he needed to leave for a while, and that the new guy would need to take care of the store until then. After a while with no customers, a white woman came in:
\- How much is that white vibrator?
\- 35 bucks.
\- And the black one? ...

A blonde sees a man carrying a thermos

A blonde sees a man carrying a thermos and becomes perplexed.

"What is that? "

"A thermos."

"What does it do?"

"It keeps a hot thing hot, and a cold thing cold."

"I don't understand."

"If I put coffee in here, the coffee stays hot. If I put ice cream in her...

If you get a tattoo of a thermos,

Is it now a thermostat?

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A blonde and a brunette are taking a break

The brunette pulls out a thermos and starts to sip coffee while eating her lunch. The blonde asks what's up with the funny looking flask. "It's a thermos flask, it keeps hot beverages hot, and cold beverages cold!" the blonde is enthused, and decides right away to get one herself.

The next d...

Thermos

A guy walks into a store and sees something. He asks what it is. "Why, it's a thermos." The clerk replies. "What does it do?" The man asks. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The clerk replies. "By golly, that's amazing!" The man replies. So he buys the thermos.

The next day he's...

I’m thinking of getting a canteen tattooed on my arm

It will be a Thermos Tat.

A blonde in a coffee shop:

"Will 6 coffees fit in this thermos?"

"Yes, they will!"

"Can a get two black, two with milk and sugar and two cappuccinos, please?"

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Joke from old Czechoslovakia, translated for you

I was a CEO of big company. I was driving corporate Tatra 613. Every morning, coffee was brewed by sexy secretary assistant. One day, they asked me to contribute 5000 crowns for the funeral of the member of Central Committee of the Communist Party. I said that for 5000 crowns I will burry the while ...

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A blonde is on her first day at her first job...

...and the lunch break rolls around. The blonde joins her team at a table and pulls out a big thermos. The other employees think this is a little bit odd so they ask her about it.

"I heard about these thermoses and I thought it would be a good way to bring my lunch to work - they keep hot thi...

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A blonde wants to go ice fishing....

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.

She’d seen many books on the subject and after gathering all of the necessary equipment decided to head for the ice.

Once on the ice, she pulls out her auger and starts to cut a hole in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,”THERE ...

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An adult toy shop hired a new employee

The boss welcomes him on his first day and tells him that he has to leave for a while. "Will you be able to handle the store alone today?"

The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's motivation, he finally agrees. The boss leaves.

After some time a white woman walks in....

A guy goes to a department store and sees a display of thermoses...

"What is this thing?" he asks the sales rep. "Why that's a thermos, it keeps hot stuff hot and cold stuff cold." "Oh neat!" the guy says, "I'll take one!" The next day he goes to work with his new thermos under his arm. His boss sees him and says "Hey what is that you got there?" The guys says, "It'...

I noticed a nuclear fusion reactor the other day in my backyard.

While in my backyard the other day, I noticed a large gravitationally confined plasma thermo-nuclear fusion reactor. Being an engineer, I saw that it was radiating huge amounts of energy at very high velocity in the form of incredibly high frequency transversely polarized Maxwellian electromagnetic ...

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Just heard this one at work. Clearly the boss is gone lol

A woman goes into a adult toy shop to buy a dildo. She sees one behind the counter and tells the salesman, "I want that one!"

He replies, "It's not for sale."

The woman says, "Please I want *that* one," again he says it's not for sale.

The woman says, "I'll give you a hundred do...

Two redneck buddies meet.

\- Hey Bubba, whatcha got there?
\- Why, Cletus, this a thermos!

\- Thermos? Whut's that for?

\- It keeps what's hot to remain hot, and what's cold to remain cold.

\- And whut exactly do ya have in tha' thermos of yours, Bubba?

\- Chicken soup and two cones of ice cr...

A man walks into a grocery store.

A man walks into a grocery store. After getting all his groceries, he sees something interesting at the check-out counter. Not knowing what it is, he asks a worker. The worker replies, “Why, that’s a thermos! It keeps your hot stuff hot, and your cold stuff cold!” Intrigued, the man decides to buy i...

A blond goes to Target

A blonde was shopping at Target &
came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took
it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....
It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'

'Wow, sai...

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Ever-so-slightly

A fellow gets a job in a sex shop. His new boss shows him around. "Everything's marked. We've got a simple register. There's only two things to remember." He points behind the counter. "Deluxe white dildos are $100 and the Deluxe black ones are $150."

"White $100, black $150. Got it."<...

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An oldie but a goodie

A guy is walking through the village in NY and passes a porn shop that his buddy owns. He decides to go in and say hi. He walks in and his buddy Jon is behind the counter.
When Jon sees his old friend he says, “any chance you could look after the shop for a bit, I haven’t had lunch yet”. “No pro...

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At the sex shop.

A young lad starts his new job in the local sex shop. After a few days his boss has to go on an errand and will be back shortly. So he leaves the young lad to watch the shop. After a little while, a black woman walks in and asks for the price of the dildoes. The young lad replies "£40".

"I'll...

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all time

The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter. The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space. The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle.
"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.
...

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I just started my new job at the sex shop

A customer came in and was looking for a dildo. I told them

“Okay, we have white dildos for $10 and big black dildos for $20.”

She says “Okay, I’ll take a white dildo”

so I packaged it all up and made the sale.
Later on another customer comes in also looking for dildos I ...

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A woman walks into a sex shop looking for a dildo.

She asks the clerk "How much for the white one?". He says "That one's $25." She asks "How much for the black one?" He says "That one's $45." She looks around for a bit then asks "Mmmm, how much for the plaid one?" Clerk responds "Ummm, that one's $65." "Great I'll take it." she says. The store owner...

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A guy starts his first day on the job at a sex shop...

when the manager says "I know it is your first day and I'm really sorry, but I have to run out and do some errands. Do you think you'll be ok?"

The guy says it is fine and it isn't long before he has his first customer, a white woman.

"Do you have any dildos?" she asked

"Yes ma...

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A man helps his friend out by taking his shift at the dildo store

One customer comes in says, "how much for the red one" he says "50 bucks"
2nd customer comes in says "how much for the big black one with the veins" he says "120 dollars"
Final customer comes in says "how much for the plaid one" he says "500 bucks" the customer says "ok teehee only live once"...

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My brother told me a good joke, and I’m pretty it’s from something, not sure what.

So I once worked at a dildo store. One day the manager had to go out to run an errand, and left me in charge.

The first woman comes in and says “Can I get the black one?”. She buys it, she leaves.

A second woman comes in and says “Ooo can I get that blue one?”. She buys it, she leave...

A blonde was recently hired at our office.

A blonde was recently hired at our office.
Her first task was to go out for coffee.
Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.
She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.
"Is this...

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The 3 Construction Workers (really old joke, but one of my favorites when I was little)

(Sorry if this has been posted before, I only subscribed recently and haven't seen this one yet)

There are three construction workers: Joe, Bob, and Frank. One day they are sitting on an I-beam high above their construction site. It is lunch hour and the three have their lunchboxes, ready to ...

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[Long] Lori was assistant manager at the Sex Shoppe, and had been for a long time wondering, when do I get my shot at being Manager?

One day, her boss, the owner, said, “Lori, I have to go on a business trip for the weekend. You’re in charge. Let’s see how you handle it. You know the business well enough. Just remember, the new dildo line goes on sale Saturday. That’s $25 for the white dildos, and $50 for the black dildos.”
...

Random blonde joke.

A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.

For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough and out she went for her fir...

David Beckham is out shopping one day.. (Old)

He spots a tall, cylindrical silver thing. He asks a shop assistant what it is; "It's a Thermos flask, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold" replies the assistant.

So David buys it. On arriving home, Victoria asks what he's
got there. "It's a Thermos flask, keeps 'ot fings 'ot an...

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Adult store

Bob started his first day at the adult store. Half way thru the day he felt comfortable and was absorbing everything the store owner is teaching him.

Then the store owner gets an emergency store and has to leave. He tells Bob "I have to leave do you want me to close the store or can you ha...

Paddy the Bear

Paddy is out around town doing a bit of shopping, in one particular store he spots something shiny behind the counter and says to the assistant "What's that thing there?"

"Its a thermos flask" says the assistant.

"What does it do?" Paddy asks.

"It keeps hot things hot and cold t...

Knock knock

Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Thermos.
Thermos who?
Thermos be a better knock-knock joke than this.

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Lady walks into a porn shop...

Lady walks in to a porn shop and asks for a vibrator.
The clerk says, "They're all there on the shelf Madam..."
She asks, "What's THIS one?"
"That's our anatomically correct Whicked Wang," says he.
The lady buys it and leaves.....Only to return an hour later.
"How about THIS one?" She...

A blonde walks into a store.

After a while, she comes across a salesman, holding a thermos and proclaiming to anyone who would listen, "This is the greatest invention in history!" The blonde stops, confused as how a simple cup could be the greatest invention. She asks the salesman, "Why is it so special?" To which he replies, "...

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Apparently my coworker has lived a very sheltered life.

He comes up to me while I'm eating lunch and asks "Say, what is that you're eating out of??"

"What, my thermos?"

"Yeah! How does that work?"

"Uhh, it keeps the hot stuff hot and the cold stuff cold."

"Wow! I oughta get me one of those!" And he just walks away.

I di...

A pastor gets pulled over by a police officer

The officer approaches the vehicle and smells alcohol. And sees a thermos in the cup holder.

The officer asks "Pastor, have you been drinking?"

The pastor replies "no, my thermos is filled with water"

The officer asked to see the thermos, opens it up and says "Pastor, this look...

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A man with no experience is left in charge of a sex shop for a few minutes

and doesn't expect to get any customers. However, a woman enters and points to the counter. "Umm, how much for that long, white one?"

The man crossed his arms and guessed. "Uh, $20." So the woman paid, took the dildo, and left.

Another woman came in a few minutes later, pointed to the...

It keeps the hot things hot, and the cold things cold

One morning, Boudreaux pulled up to Thibodeaux's house to give him a ride to work. As Thibodeaux got in the rusted, beat up truck he noticed Boudreaux's Thermos on the seat between them.

*"What's dat?"*, he asked, pointing at the Thermos.

*"Oh, dat der's a 'termos I gots at da Walmarts...

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The sex shop

A woman shyly goes into a sex shop. She tells the man there that she's interested in buying a dildo but has no experience with these things.
"Well how about *this* one?" he asks. "It's gentle, not too big, and very popular with beginners."
"How much is it?"
"$50."
The woman buys...

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A woman gets a job at an Adult Toy Shop...

and its her first day. Her manager shows her how to run the register then suddenly gets a call. He tells her has to leave but if anyone comes in to buy, sell anything she can since sales are low for the month.

The Manager leaves and a few minutes later a Brunette comes in and looks around. "O...

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The Sex Shop

There's a sex shop worker, and while he's working the counter alone, a caucasian woman walks in. She looks at the array of dildos and says, "How much for the white dildo?" The guy says, "$90". She looks a bit further and says, "How much for the black one?" He says, "$90, black or white, we don't...

Two Newfies are moose hunting...

When they stop for a bite to eat. One newfie opens up a thermos and begins to pour out some soup.

"Whaddya got there George by?"

"Oh dis is me Thermos Steve by, keeps me hot stuff hot and me cold stuff cold! You should get one fer yerself by."

So the next day they are in the woo...

One day, a blonde and a brunette are sitting together for lunch.

The brunette sets a thermos on the table, and the blonde asks what it is.

'It's a thermos,' says the brunette. 'It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.'

The blonde stares in awe as the brunette pours steaming hot coffee out to show her. The next day, the blonde is showing off her...

The greatest invention

A local reporter was interviewing people asking them what they thought the greatest invention in the 20th century was.
The first gentleman said it was the television, he could watch live football and nothing was better than that.
A housewife said it was the washing machine, she didn't have t...

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new guy at the sex shop

So a sex shop hires a new employee and the boss needs to leave for awhile which means the new guy will have to run the store for a few hours. The boss is a little apprehensive because the new guy has literally no experience, but he's left with no choice.

Shortly after the boss leaves a lady c...

What did the thirsty weatherman say to his intern?

I need my thermos, stat!

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