A Whole Bunch Of Jokes

Totally free of charge.

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..and they did some unspeakable things to me.

She got away with words.

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin... read more

"Yeah," said Rincewind. "Luters, I expect."

* Terry Pratchett, *The Light Fantastic*

What do you call a electrician who tries to be a carpenter?
A lousy carpenter

What do yoy call a carpenter who tries to be an electrican?
A dead carpenter

What do you call a electrician with a hammer?
Thief

Trojans are a terrible name for a brand of condoms. Here's why: when you think of Trojans you think of the Trojan Horse. What's the Trojan Horse do? It sneaks past your defenses, then in the middle of the night it breaks open and a whole bunch of little dudes come spilling out of it. That's exactly ... read more

A man brought his date back to his apartment.

"And this is my apartment. Would you like some alcohols? My roommate, Chekhov, has a whole bunch of alcohols. He likes to buy them."

"No thanks," said the woman who was wearing a red scarf.

"He also has a gun that is usually right th... read more

I know there are a whole bunch of these but I only remember a few, please post any you think of!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in your pool? Bob

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs... read more

A veterinarian had a busy day at the clinic, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a tall, cool drink and a romantic, candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed. An hour later, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" as... read more

and a whole bunch of other words that describe skills I don't have.

Sue offers to pay because she recently got a whole bunch of money. Mary asks her how, and she says a man hit her with his car so she sued him.

The next day, Mary shows up with a wedding ring on her finger. Sue asks what happened, and she says, "a guy hit me with his car, so I did just what yo... read more

A Man was constantly grumbling about how he had to work all day to provide for his family while his wife stayed home and did nothing.

God offered him a chance to swap places with his wife for a couple of days to see what it's like to be a woman, and he happily agreed.

First day of the... read more

So if you make a whole bunch of letters, you could end up with a hefty sentence.

In which in one box is $1 million and in another is $11.25 and a whole bunch of toys, and a toddler has to pick one of the two while the parents have to watch from behind a screen and scream.

(In no way is this mine, and I'm sure it's been posted before, but this gets me every time.)

Wife: "I think I'd like to donate a whole bunch of my old clothes to charity."

Husband: "well my dear why do you want to do that?"

Wife: "It is Christmas afterall and I thought I would be able to help all the poor and starving people to bring some cheer!"

Husband: "Darling anyon... read more

Hoping to buy a parrot. He looks at a whole bunch of parrots, but all of them are out of his price range. He asks one of the employees if they have a cheaper parrot.

“Actually, we have one parrot that nobody has wanted to buy. His name is Chet and he very lovable, but he’s only got one leg.”... read more

2 calves,
an ass,
a beaver,
a whole bunch of hairs,
and a fish that you just can't seem to find

A somewhat socially awkward lad asked a girl he liked to the homecoming dance, and she said yes.

The boy asked his dad for advice, and his dad gave him several tips: get her a nice corsage that matches your boutonniere, show up 10 minutes early to pick her up and speak pleasantly and respect... read more