"All the shops have been smashed open, there was a whole bunch of people across the street helping themselves to musical instruments, can you believe that?"

"Yeah," said Rincewind. "Luters, I expect."

* Terry Pratchett, *The Light Fantastic*

I’ve been challenged to make a play on words with the word for a whole bunch of peaches in a basket.

Try as I might though, I just can’t punnet.

Just gave away a whole bunch of old batteries...

Totally free of charge.

Did you hear about that celebrity who got caught stealing a whole bunch of cheese?

True story, it was Brie Larson.

You hear about the librarian who stole a whole bunch of dictionaries?

She got away with words.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?

A bingo machine.

Today a whole bunch of friends in trade school started throwing jokes around. These were the funniest.

What do you call a electrician who tries to be a carpenter?
A lousy carpenter

What do yoy call a carpenter who tries to be an electrican?
A dead carpenter

What do you call a electrician with a hammer?
Thief

Noisy Mating

A veterinarian had a busy day at the clinic, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a tall, cool drink and a romantic, candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed. An hour later, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" as...

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

So a poor man walks into a pet store

Hoping to buy a parrot. He looks at a whole bunch of parrots, but all of them are out of his price range. He asks one of the employees if they have a cheaper parrot.

“Actually, we have one parrot that nobody has wanted to buy. His name is Chet and he very lovable, but he’s only got one leg.”...

Sue has lunch with her blonde friend, Mary.

Sue offers to pay because she recently got a whole bunch of money. Mary asks her how, and she says a man hit her with his car so she sued him.

The next day, Mary shows up with a wedding ring on her finger. Sue asks what happened, and she says, "a guy hit me with his car, so I did just what yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A retiree is sitting on his porch one afternoon, when little Johnny walks by...

...pulling his little red wagon, loaded with a whole bunch of wire, behind him.

"Hey Johnny, " calls the retiree. "Whatcha got in the wagon?"

"Chicken wire, " says little Johnny.

"Whatcha gonna do with that, Johnny?" asks the retiree.

"I'm gonna catch me some chickens!" s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of guys were playing a round of golf..

After 9 holes they stopped to have a cigar. So one of the guys opens his golf bag and pulls out 2 cigars and a great big lighter.

His friend asks him "Hey, where did you get such a big lighter?"

He responds "From my magic genie, of course!"

Of course his friend doesn't believe...

A Man swapped places with his wife to see what she did all day

A Man was constantly grumbling about how he had to work all day to provide for his family while his wife stayed home and did nothing.

God offered him a chance to swap places with his wife for a couple of days to see what it's like to be a woman, and he happily agreed.

First day of the...

I know karate, kung fu, judo, juijitsu, taekwondo...

and a whole bunch of other words that describe skills I don't have.

The homecoming dance

A somewhat socially awkward lad asked a girl he liked to the homecoming dance, and she said yes.

The boy asked his dad for advice, and his dad gave him several tips: get her a nice corsage that matches your boutonniere, show up 10 minutes early to pick her up and speak pleasantly and respect...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy took his wife to the doctor...

He told the doctor his wife wasn't feeling right. The doctor ordered a whole bunch of tests. He told the guy to bring his wife back in 3 days to discuss the test results.

The guy took his wife back and the doctor said, "your wife either has Alzheimer's or AIDS."

The guy says, "How will...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men die and go to hell

Three men die and go to hell. In there, the devil says: "Well, today I'm in a good mood, so let's spice things a little bit. Tell me a riddle I can't answer and you'll go to heaven".

The first guy says "What has four legs but can't walk?" to which the devil answers with "A table, you're not e...

Game Show

In which in one box is $1 million and in another is $11.25 and a whole bunch of toys, and a toddler has to pick one of the two while the parents have to watch from behind a screen and scream.

(In no way is this mine, and I'm sure it's been posted before, but this gets me every time.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kinky old coupld (NSFW)

Grandpa and Grandma have been married for about 40 years.
Their sexual life is not what it used to be and Grandma wants to fix the situation.
While reading a magazine she comes across an advertising for flavored condoms.
She goes to her local pharmacy and buys a whole bunch of different fla...

TIL that in some states, graffiti vandals are fined $100-200 per letter.

So if you make a whole bunch of letters, you could end up with a hefty sentence.

A woman wants to donte her clothes to charity...

Wife: "I think I'd like to donate a whole bunch of my old clothes to charity."

Husband: "well my dear why do you want to do that?"

Wife: "It is Christmas afterall and I thought I would be able to help all the poor and starving people to bring some cheer!"

Husband: "Darling anyon...

How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

2 calves,
an ass,
a beaver,
a whole bunch of hairs,
and a fish that you just can't seem to find

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