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Brit Jokes

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A Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker go on a safari...

Along the way they run into a tribe of cannibals. The chief was a pleasant fellow, but had some unfortunate news for them.

"Gentlemen, I am sorry but I must follow the way of my people."

"Oh?" says the Brit. "What's that?"

"Well..." the chief responds, "We will kill you, cook...

A French, a Brit, and an American are on an expedition in the Amazon

They are captured by a tribe of natives. The chief says to them, "you must die for intruding our land. But it is our custom to allow you to choose your own death."

After some time, the Frenchman says, "my great grandfather died by sword while fighting for France, I shall do the same to honor ...

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An American, a Brit and a Mexican are sitting in a helicopter.

The Brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: "We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out!"



The Mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining "We have so much peppers in Mexico, we can just throw it out!"



The American ...

Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us £50M by Sunday morning....

We’ll return him back to you.

Why do The Brit’s still use ‘u’ in words like “colour” and “armour”?

Because Rick Astley is British.

If I had a nickel for everytime I didn't understand how Brits keep track of money...

I'd have 4 bob, 6 shillings, 2 quid, a crown, a sovereign, and 5 thripince.

I don’t see why Brits don’t celebrate the 4th of July.

Surely 240 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.

A Dutch joke about the Brits and their love for queues, don’t know if it translates well

A Brit walks down the street and sees two queues. He gets behind one of them, and asks the woman in front of him:

“What is this queue for?”

“Just for fun” says the women.

“But what if I don’t want to stand in the queue?” The Brit asks.

To which the woman replies “that’s w...

A Brit, American and South African Joke

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years
They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brit’s, in the weeks that followed, an Ameri...

Farmer Murphy and the Brit

Farmer Murphy is working on his fence when a British tourist startled him by honking his car’s horn.

"I say," asked the Brit "does this road go to the Castle?"

"I do believe it does. Just keep on as you were." Farmer Murphy goes back to his business. About 10 minutes later, the Brit ...

An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.


The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am J...

A Brit, A Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the garden of Eden

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit."They must be British"

They pondered this possibility but the Frenchman and the Russians soon shake their heads in disagreement.

"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They're naked and so beautiful, clearly they are French". The Brit and ...

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Some topical jokes for the Brits:

Government cuts bite deep as former prime ministers slashed by 25%.

What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Jimmy Savile? Nothing: they're both dead and fucked miners.

Margaret Thatcher has died peacefully following a stroke at the age of 87. I for one am truly devastated a...

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An American, Brit and Finn sit at the pub

The American says: “our Air Force is so mighty that if we launch all of our airplanes into the sky, you won’t even see the sun!”

Everyone around looks impressed, agrees that the US Air Force is indeed mighty.

The Brit says: “our navy is so mighty that if we’d line up all of our vessels...

An Brit, a Frenchman, a Mexican, and a Texan are in a flight when one of the plane's engines fails.

The crew throw all the luggage on the plane off to lighten the load, but they are still too heavy. The pilot goes on the intercom and says that 3 people need to jump off the plane to save everyone else. The Brit stands up and says, "God save the king!" before jumping to his death. Next, the Frenchma...

A blonde, a nun, a brit and a french guy in the train...

Four people are sitting in the passenger car of a train. A hot blonde, a nun, a brit and a french guy. The train goes into a tunnel, there's total darkness for a brief moment, and all you can hear is a loud slap. As the train is leaving the tunnel, sunlight lights the scene up, and a confused french...

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In my thesis, I was gonna prove that Brits often pronounce "th-" sounds as "f"

Turns out it was a shitty idea.

How many Brits does it take to change a broken lightbulb?

None. They just move out of the house.

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Japanese, Brit and Indian

A Japanese, a brit and an Indian were traveling by a private jet with their personal belongings. Due to low fuel they were asked to throw off some of their belongings mid air to reduce the weight. They all agreed to discard items which were in abundance in their country.

The Japanese threw h...

A Brit, a Spaniard, and a Frenchman

A Englishman, a French man, and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country. They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries, so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two ...

An American, Brit, and Aussie are about to get executed in Russia.

The executioner approaches the American prisoner and says, “How would you like to die? By firing squad, hung by the neck, or on the electric chair?”

“I’ll take the chair” the American says. So he gets strapped into the electric chair.

When they flip the switch, nothing happens! In Moth...

Why do Brits pronounce Tuesday as chooseday ?

Because they drank the T

So a Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals...

So a Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals. The chieftain has them bound and brought to the village square, where he announces their fate. "For trespassing on our land," he says, "you will all be sentenced to death! You will be killed, skinned, eaten, and have your hides tann...

How does a Brit let you know you’re in danger at Jurassic Park?

“A Dino-saur-us!”

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Did you know that the condom was invented by the Turks?

They used the intestines of sheep around their penis when having sex.

And did you know that years later, the Brits were the ones who improved the condom by removing the sheep?

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A Brit, a Scot, and an Irishman walk into a bar…

They each order a shot of whiskey. The place is buzzing with flies, and one lands in each of their shots.

Disgusted, the Brit says to the bartender, “Pardon me, good chap, but could I have another? Your filthy establishment has caused a fly to foul my whiskey.” The bartender pours him a new ...

The troubles of foreigners in Canada

A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.

"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a...

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An American, a Russian and a Brit are travelling in the Amazon…

….when they are suddenly captured by a group of cannibals.
The chief of the tribe walks upto the three men and asks: “Death, or Ungabunga?”
The American asks: “What’s Ungabunga?”
The chief repeats: “Death, or Ungabunga?”
So the American says: “I have a family and have to get back to them...

How do you tell an American and a Brit apart?

One will try to pronounce every letter in Queue

What do you call a Brit who struggles to use a zipper?

Bloody bellend.

Give a Brit some tea and you'll make him happy for a day...

Teach him how to grow tea...

And he'll colonize your country.

Why do Brits always look wealthier on T.V. and in movies?

Because the camera puts on 10 pounds.

An American dropped into a pub in London for a drink and found it completely full of Brits.

An American dropped into a pub in London for a drink and found it completely full of Brits. After a few minutes, he saw a table for two with one middle-aged gentleman sitting at it. He walked over to the table and asked if he could sit down. The Brit replied, "Certainly. Please do."

The Ameri...

What do the Brits call Mormons?

knock knock blokes.

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What does a brit say when Jack is late?

Ejaculate!

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What do Brits call... [NSFW]

...sex during a woman's period?





A bloody good time.

A Russian, a Brit and an American are stuck on a mountain

While they wait for rescue to arrive, they get together for a meal. As everyone is taking out their kits and prepping, the Russian starts boasting "in the soviet army, they feed us 2000 calories of food a day". The Brit turns and scoffs at him, then he says " in the royal army, we are fed 4000 calor...

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Brits

They drive a German Cars.

They go to Irish Pubs.

To drink Belgium beer.

They get a Chinese Takeaway on the way back.

They sit on Swedish furniture.

To watch American films.

On a Japanese TV.


Most of all though they are suspicious of all thi...

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The Brit, the Frenchman, the Gangster and the Tribals

One day, a trio of adventurers are making their way through the Amazon. The group consists of a die-hard Brit, a die-hard Frenchman and a recent addition to the team, a gangster from downtown Chicago. Eventually, the party is caught by a group of tribals and put in a cage. The chief of the tribals a...

A Brit visits America

A Brit visits America and as part of his tour, he is shown the vast corn fields of Iowa stretching away to the horizon and beyond.

"My word," he says, "What on earth do you *do* with it all?"

The farmer grins and replies, "We eat what we can and what we can't, we can."

The Brit ...

As a Brit, I can't get into American football

They rugby the wrong way

Why are Brits good at chess?

Because the queen never dies

Why do brits stir coffee clockwise and italians do it anticlockwise?

To dissolve the sugar

Why every brit says "I'm brii iish"?

I thought they liked t.

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Brit, American and Russian get captured by native cannibals

They bring them to a chieftain and he says:

"Each of you get two crystal balls, if by the end of a week you show me something I have never seen, I will set you free".

After a week he goes to check on them.

First he goes into Brit tent. He then comes out and says while it starts ...

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A Brit, an Irishman, and an American are walking in the woods together and get lost.

They stumble upon a bridge over a deep ravine guarded by a menacing ogre.

"Halt! Stand where you are!" yells the ogre. "Only those who can answer my riddle can pass this bridge! If you get the answer wrong, you die!"

The three men are short on supplies and don't have a lot of options, ...

how old did the brit turn on his birthday

FOR TEA!!!

An Australian, a Brit, and an American were all asked a question

'Name a type of bird' the three were asked

The Brit went first and said, "Ducks, first one that came to mind."

The Australian got grumpy with his answer, "Magpies, they're bloody annoying mate."

The American was last. His answer was, "Desert Eagle."

As a Brit I didn't believe Brexit could be Trumped

But it seems that's exactly what's happened :(

Why are rich brits so fat?

Because they measure their wealth in pounds

A Brit lands in Sydney, and is awaiting passport control

His turn comes and he steps to the agent.

The agent asks his name, and the Brit gives it.

The agent asks his occupation, and the Brit gives it.

The agent asks, “Have you ever been convicted of a crime?"

The Brit responds, “Right, so that's still a requirement?"

Do you guys know how Brits say "Bend over"?

Bottoms up.

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A Brit & an Aussie walk into the men's room and take a piss...

As they finish, the Brit heads for the sink & turns on the water while the Aussie heads for the door.

With a disapproving look, the Brit turns to the Aussie and says: "In England, we wash our hands after using the bathroom."

"No worries, mate;" answers the Aussie, " in Australia we...

If you punched a random Brit today...

There would be a 52% chance they deserved it.

So an American, a Brit, and a Chinese guy are stuck on a deserted island..

the American turns to the other two and says, "Okay, we have to survive somehow until help arrives. I'll get some water to drink, the brit should get some wood for the fire, and the chinese guy should get some supplies for the shelter."
2 hours go by and the American and the British guy are ba...

A Mexican, Texan, a Brit, and a Spaniard are on a plane...

A Mexican, Texan, a Brit, and a Spaniard are on a plane, and suddenly the pilot says, "We are crashing, but I will be able to land if 3 of you somehow get off." The 4 people look at each other, doubting anyone will jump. Then, the Brit jumps out, yelling, "Save the Queen!" The Spaniard then jumps ou...

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A Brit, a Mexican, and an American are on a cruise ship.

The Brit pulls out a box of tea bags, places one in his mug, and tosses the rest overboard. “In my country, tea is so plentiful I never have to conserve it.”

The Mexican pulls out a bottle of tequila, takes one shot, and throws the rest overboard. “In my country, tequila is so plentiful I nev...

What's the difference between a drunk russian and a brit?

Nothing, they both drive on the wrong side of the road

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A Brit, a Scott, and an Irishman...

So a Britt, a Scott, and an Irishman walk into a bar. They all sit down and order their ales of choice. While they are talking, a fly dives into each of their ales. Disgusted, the Brit says, "Bartender a new ale please" and continues drinking his new ale. The Scott looks at the fly in his ale and co...

Three guys are at a bar, a Brit, a German, and a Russian...

The Brit says, "Our healthcare is so advanced we can transplant an entire spine and have the patient up and looking for work in 7 weeks!"

The German says, "Well we can do a complete heart transplant and the patient will be up looking for work in less than four weeks!"

The Russian say...

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A Brit walks into a bar in Mississippi.

The bartender, taking note of the man's rather non-local appearance, shook his head and handed the man a beer - he didn't want to be at the butt-end of some lame joke.

The other bargoers, however, didn't seem to have the same inclination, and so began pestering the Brit.

"Well lookie h...

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A Scot, a Brit, and an American walk into a bar.

They all sit down and order pints of beer.

When the American gets his beer, he notices a fly in it. He beckons over to the bartender and asks, "Excuse me, bartender, but there seems to be a fly in my beer." The bartender apologizes and brings the American a new beer who drinks it down.
...

you really have to admire brits who voted to leave

They were so worried about immigrants ruining their economy than they preempted it by doing it themselves.

I'm a Brit and I hate it when I have to correct Americans' choice of words.

It's colour not color.

It's football, not soccer.

It's lift, not elevator.

It's school, not shooting range.

A Brit flies into Australia..

The immigration officer asks him, “Do you have any felony convictions?”
The Briton replies, “Sorry. I didn’t realize that was still a requirement.”

A Brit, Mexican, and a Texan are all on a carrier plane heading towards battle.

A Brit, Mexican, and a Texan are all on a carrier plane heading towards battle. The pilot over coms says

"There is to much wait on the plane, someone will have to jump off"

The Brit then goes to the exit of the plane and says,
"For the Queen!"
He then jumps off.

The pilot...

An American, a Brit, and an Irishman each order a pint.

When the bartender delivers the drinks, each one has a fly floating in it.

The American throws a fit, yelling, saying how he can’t drink it, take it back immediately, etc.

The Brit removes the fly and politely enjoys his beer.

The Irishman is furious and screams at the fly: “S...

Brit: Why is it ‘cancelled’ in the UK but ‘canceled’ in America?

Murican: Coz we gave you that L in 1776

My first wife was a Brit. I loved her accent and the different words she had for things.

She called the bathroom the "loo." She called the pharmacy the "chemist." But my favorite was the "post." It was a noun and a verb. The mail I brought home was called the "post," and when she wanted me to mail something, I was "posting" it.

We were not wealthy by any means, but after we had b...

What are two letters a Brit can't live without?

T and Qs.

A drunk German and Russian are walking around town with a sober Brit

After a few too many, the group decides to head home but the two drunks can't seem to walk in a straight line, bumping into everything in sight as the Brit keeps them from hurting themselves. Fed up with babysitting them, the Brit decides to have some fun.

The German and Russian first bump in...

Did you hear about the Brit who had developed a pastry addiction?

He became a total sconer

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An Aussie, a Brit, and a Kiwi walk into a bar...

...and find an American and a Canadian minding their own fucking business

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70% of Brits would rather eat a nice meal in a restaurant than have sex.

That's because they worry it might disturb the people at the next table.

If Britain leaves the EU, how much space will be freed up?

1GB

You Brits can make fun of me, but I think it's funny.

What did the Brit say when he paid 2,000 pounds for his fridge?

"Goodness gracious, that costs a ton!"

Made by me:)

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A Brit, a Frenchman, and an American are shipwrecked at sea...

They wash up on an island where they are captured by a tribe of cannibals. The Chief of the tribe says to the three men,"We are going to sacrifice all of you, eat you, and use your skins for a canoe. We will allow you each to choose how you die." The Brit asks for poison. The Chief hands him a cup a...

What does an American angry with his tire and a Brit delighted with his apartment have in common?

They're both mad about their flats.

A Brit, a Scandinavian and an American all entered their village fete's giant vegetable show.

The swede won.

An American, a Brit and an Irishman walked into a bar and they each ordered a beer...

A fly landed in the American's beer - he held the beer out to the bartender "Ugh! Bartender, get me another beer!" Then the American went back to drinking his new beer.

Another fly landed in the Brit's beer - he picked the fly out, tossed it aside and went back to drinking

Another...

Why do vultures make good Brits?

Because they eat common carrion.

Brits, Aussies, and Kiwis will most likely only get this:

Remember Bill and Ben, The Flowerpot Men?

One day, Bill says to Ben, "Flobadobglibglobbloobleglob!"

And Ben say, "If you loved me, you'd swallow that....."

What's the difference between Americans and Brits?

Brits think 200 miles is a long distance,

Americans think 200 years is a long time.

I now understand why the Brits have leftenants instead of lieutenants

Otherwise they'd be renting bathrooms during combat.

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Did you hear about the Brit who only masturbated when she on her monthly?

She's a Bloody Wanker.

A Brit, a Spaniard and a Dutch walk into a bar..

.. unfortunately the Icelander couldn't come, he's still in the European Championship.

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An American, a Brit, and an Irishman are sitting at a bar

A fly lands in each of their beers, the American takes the fly out of the glass and keeps on drinking. The Brit looks at the fly and asks the waitress for a new drink. The Irishman grabs the fly, squeezes it and yells "spit it out you greedy bastard!"

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Us Brits are usually really good at self-deprecating comedy.

But I'm shit at it.

A Brit and an Indian walk down the streets of Brussels.

All of a sudden, a large German military plane passes overhead.
The Brit says "Holy cow, what was that!"
The Indian flops down on his hands and knees. "Where's the holy cow?"

3 spies, a french one, a british one, and an italian one, are captured by al-qaeda...

the terrorists tie each of them up and put the brit and the italian in a locked room. they take the frenchman to a room for 6 hours, torturing information out of him. when they finish with him, they take the brit to the room, who lasts 12 hours. they finally take the italian into the room, but as mu...

How many brits are needed to change a light bulb

None they just terminate their apartment contract.

A Brit, an American and a Frenchman are arguing on how to pee...

... The American proclaims loudly, "The only way to pee is standing up! A man can so a man should!" Laughing, the Brit replies, "Surely you must be joking, I know why your bathrooms are such a mess! Sitting down to pee is better all around." Both arguing, they ask the Frenchman to be the deciding fa...

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An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian.....

.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Camer...

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The British, American and Russian intelligence services have a spy-off

The rules are simple: a rabbit is released into a forest, and whoever finds and brings it back the fastest, wins.

The Brit goes first. He first phones some arborial informants, then dons a disguise: sporting a pair of bunny ears, a fluffy tail sticking out of his ass, skimpy black dress, full...

I remember doing security at the Brits a few years back when it all kicked off between Steps and Jamiroquai

I was the only thing between H and JK

Since yesterday, more than 2 million Brits have called for a new EU referendum...

That's what you get when Donald Trump says you made the right choice.

A rich businessman is dying and his friend comes for a last visit.

"Fred...", whispers the businessman, "I have to tell you something..."

"What is it, John? You can tell me everything.", says Fred.

"You know, that trade we were making with the Italians, the package we were delivering; Fred, I didn't deliver it, I kept it for myself... I kept 500 dolla...

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A Brit, a Frenchie, and a redneck are captured by savages on an island.....

The savages tell them, "we are going to kill you and use your skin to make canoes. However, before we kill you, you may have one last request"

The brit goes first, "I'd like some poison please." He gets the poison, shouts "God save the queen" drinks it and dies.

The Frenchie goes next,...

An Israeli, a Brit, a Russian, a Vietnamese, and an American are sitting in a restaurant.

An Israeli, a Brit, a Russian, a Vietnamese, and an American are sitting in a restaurant. A reporter comes by and asks, "Excuse me, but can I get your opinion on the recent grain shortage in the third world?" The Brit asks: "What's a 'shortage'?" The Vietnamese asks: "What's 'grain'?" The Russian as...

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An Arab has a rendezvous with a British soldier, and they plan to trek across the desert to a secret military base.

"Come on my friend," says the Arab, "We must trek across the desert. The food here is the poorest in the world, so we must make haste. Would you like one of my camels?"

"No I don't want a camel." says the Brit. He starts walking.

Confused, the Arab knows it's a long trip to where they ...

Mussolini goes to hell

Its 1945, and its time for Mussolini to go to Hell

As he arrives near the infernal gates, apart from the "no smoking" sign he also spots an imp with a clipboard and a pen

As he approaches the gate the aforementioned imp says

"Welcome to hell, please state your name and surname...

My British friend gets offended when I call him British

Apparently, there is nothing ish about him. Says he is 100% Brit.

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