An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.


The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am J...

An American, Brit, and Aussie are about to get executed in Russia.

The executioner approaches the American prisoner and says, “How would you like to die? By firing squad, hung by the neck, or on the electric chair?”

“I’ll take the chair” the American says. So he gets strapped into the electric chair.

When they flip the switch, nothing happens! In Moth...

Why do Brits always look wealthier on T.V. and in movies?

Because the camera puts on 10 pounds.

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A Brit, an Irishman, and an American are walking in the woods together and get lost.

They stumble upon a bridge over a deep ravine guarded by a menacing ogre.

"Halt! Stand where you are!" yells the ogre. "Only those who can answer my riddle can pass this bridge! If you get the answer wrong, you die!"

The three men are short on supplies and don't have a lot of options, ...

In Britain we call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator".

I guess we're just raised differently.

What type of tea is the only type Brits don’t enjoy?

Penaltea.

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An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian.....

.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Camer...

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A Brit, a Scot, and an Irishman walk into a bar…

They each order a shot of whiskey. The place is buzzing with flies, and one lands in each of their shots.

Disgusted, the Brit says to the bartender, “Pardon me, good chap, but could I have another? Your filthy establishment has caused a fly to foul my whiskey.” The bartender pours him a new ...

A Brit, a Spaniard, and a Frenchman

A Englishman, a French man, and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country. They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries, so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two ...

A Brit, A Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the garden of Eden

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit."They must be British"

They pondered this possibility but the Frenchman and the Russians soon shake their heads in disagreement.

"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They're naked and so beautiful, clearly they are French". The Brit and ...

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In my thesis, I was gonna prove that Brits often pronounce "th-" sounds as "f"

Turns out it was a shitty idea.

A Dutch joke about the Brits and their love for queues, don’t know if it translates well

A Brit walks down the street and sees two queues. He gets behind one of them, and asks the woman in front of him:

“What is this queue for?”

“Just for fun” says the women.

“But what if I don’t want to stand in the queue?” The Brit asks.

To which the woman replies “that’s w...

The Greek president called the British thieves who stole the Sculptures from the Parthenon and won't give them back.

The British parliament was outraged by the illiterate accusations! People who openly take your property and threaten you with death are called robbers, not thieves

What do you call a Brit who struggles to use a zipper?

Bloody bellend.

Why are there pyramids in Egypt?

They were too heavy to steal and put in a British museum.

Why do Brits pronounce British as Bri'ish?

They drank the t

Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us £50M by Sunday morning....

We’ll return him back to you.

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An Arab has a rendezvous with a British soldier, and they plan to trek across the desert to a secret military base.

"Come on my friend," says the Arab, "We must trek across the desert. The food here is the poorest in the world, so we must make haste. Would you like one of my camels?"

"No I don't want a camel." says the Brit. He starts walking.

Confused, the Arab knows it's a long trip to where they ...

A Russian, a Brit and an American are stuck on a mountain

While they wait for rescue to arrive, they get together for a meal. As everyone is taking out their kits and prepping, the Russian starts boasting "in the soviet army, they feed us 2000 calories of food a day". The Brit turns and scoffs at him, then he says " in the royal army, we are fed 4000 calor...

Why do British people pronounce the word “Bri’ish” like they do?

Because they drank all the T.

(Told to me by my 11yo)

Why do brits stir coffee clockwise and italians do it anticlockwise?

To dissolve the sugar

What is the most unrealistic part of the newest James Bond movie?

A Brit with a full petrol tank.

If you have a flat, and need a lift

Are you a stranded american or a lazy brit.

Why do The Brit’s still use ‘u’ in words like “colour” and “armour”?

Because Rick Astley is British.

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An American, a Brit and a Mexican are sitting in a helicopter.

The Brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: "We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out!"



The Mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining "We have so much peppers in Mexico, we can just throw it out!"



The American ...

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Japanese, Brit and Indian

A Japanese, a brit and an Indian were traveling by a private jet with their personal belongings. Due to low fuel they were asked to throw off some of their belongings mid air to reduce the weight. They all agreed to discard items which were in abundance in their country.

The Japanese threw h...

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An Australian, Frenchman and a British man are in a desert...

The three had been walking for a couple of days in blazing heat, they stumbled onto a ravine and begin to bathe in it.

The three men look up in horror to see see a group of tribals with spears pointing at them, the men are brought to the chief of the tribe.

The chief says "you trespass...

I don’t see why Brits don’t celebrate the 4th of July.

Surely 240 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.

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A Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker go on a safari...

Along the way they run into a tribe of cannibals. The chief was a pleasant fellow, but had some unfortunate news for them.

"Gentlemen, I am sorry but I must follow the way of my people."

"Oh?" says the Brit. "What's that?"

"Well..." the chief responds, "We will kill you, cook...

What do the Brits call Mormons?

knock knock blokes.

Do you guys know how Brits say "Bend over"?

Bottoms up.

Why are Brits good at chess?

Because the queen never dies

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Why do Brits love anal sex so much?

They've always been into colonialism.

An Australian, a Brit, and an American were all asked a question

'Name a type of bird' the three were asked

The Brit went first and said, "Ducks, first one that came to mind."

The Australian got grumpy with his answer, "Magpies, they're bloody annoying mate."

The American was last. His answer was, "Desert Eagle."

What's the most unrealistic part of the new James bond movie?

A Brit with a full tank of petrol.

Unbelievable!!

Give a Brit some tea and you'll make him happy for a day...

Teach him how to grow tea...

And he'll colonize your country.

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70% of Brits would rather eat a nice meal in a restaurant than have sex.

That's because they worry it might disturb the people at the next table.

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Brit, American and Russian get captured by native cannibals

They bring them to a chieftain and he says:

"Each of you get two crystal balls, if by the end of a week you show me something I have never seen, I will set you free".

After a week he goes to check on them.

First he goes into Brit tent. He then comes out and says while it starts ...

A blonde, a nun, a brit and a french guy in the train...

Four people are sitting in the passenger car of a train. A hot blonde, a nun, a brit and a french guy. The train goes into a tunnel, there's total darkness for a brief moment, and all you can hear is a loud slap. As the train is leaving the tunnel, sunlight lights the scene up, and a confused french...

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What do Brits call... [NSFW]

...sex during a woman's period?





A bloody good time.

What do Brits wear?

Tea-shirts

Three guys are at a bar, a Brit, a German, and a Russian...

The Brit says, "Our healthcare is so advanced we can transplant an entire spine and have the patient up and looking for work in 7 weeks!"

The German says, "Well we can do a complete heart transplant and the patient will be up looking for work in less than four weeks!"

The Russian say...

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The Brit, the Frenchman, the Gangster and the Tribals

One day, a trio of adventurers are making their way through the Amazon. The group consists of a die-hard Brit, a die-hard Frenchman and a recent addition to the team, a gangster from downtown Chicago. Eventually, the party is caught by a group of tribals and put in a cage. The chief of the tribals a...

how old did the brit turn on his birthday

FOR TEA!!!

Why are rich brits so fat?

Because they measure their wealth in pounds

What does an American angry with his tire and a Brit delighted with his apartment have in common?

They're both mad about their flats.

Why every brit says "I'm brii iish"?

I thought they liked t.

I'm a Brit and I hate it when I have to correct Americans' choice of words.

It's colour not color.

It's football, not soccer.

It's lift, not elevator.

It's school, not shooting range.

As a Brit, I can't get into American football

They rugby the wrong way

how many Brits does it take to change a lightbulb?

none, they'll keep saying that they will, but they wont

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A Brit, a Mexican, and an American are on a cruise ship.

The Brit pulls out a box of tea bags, places one in his mug, and tosses the rest overboard. “In my country, tea is so plentiful I never have to conserve it.”

The Mexican pulls out a bottle of tequila, takes one shot, and throws the rest overboard. “In my country, tequila is so plentiful I nev...

A Brit, American and South African Joke

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years
They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brit’s, in the weeks that followed, an Ameri...

I remember doing security at the Brits a few years back when it all kicked off between Steps and Jamiroquai

I was the only thing between H and JK

An American, a Brit and an Irishman walked into a bar and they each ordered a beer...

A fly landed in the American's beer - he held the beer out to the bartender "Ugh! Bartender, get me another beer!" Then the American went back to drinking his new beer.

Another fly landed in the Brit's beer - he picked the fly out, tossed it aside and went back to drinking

Another...

What's the difference between a drunk russian and a brit?

Nothing, they both drive on the wrong side of the road

My first wife was a Brit. I loved her accent and the different words she had for things.

She called the bathroom the "loo." She called the pharmacy the "chemist." But my favorite was the "post." It was a noun and a verb. The mail I brought home was called the "post," and when she wanted me to mail something, I was "posting" it.

We were not wealthy by any means, but after we had b...

So a Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals...

So a Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals. The chieftain has them bound and brought to the village square, where he announces their fate. "For trespassing on our land," he says, "you will all be sentenced to death! You will be killed, skinned, eaten, and have your hides tann...

An American, a Brit, a Canadian, a Dane, an Ethiopian, a Frenchman, a Greek, a Haitian, an Irishman, a Jew, a Kiwi, a Lithuanian, a Mongolian, a Nigerian, an Omani, a Peruvian, a Qatari, a Roman, a Scotsman, a Uruguayan, a Venezuelan, a Western Saharan, a xenophobe and a Zimbabwean walk into a bar

The bartender says
"Im sorry, but you can't come in here without a Thai"

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Some topical jokes for the Brits:

Government cuts bite deep as former prime ministers slashed by 25%.

What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Jimmy Savile? Nothing: they're both dead and fucked miners.

Margaret Thatcher has died peacefully following a stroke at the age of 87. I for one am truly devastated a...

A Brit lands in Sydney, and is awaiting passport control

His turn comes and he steps to the agent.

The agent asks his name, and the Brit gives it.

The agent asks his occupation, and the Brit gives it.

The agent asks, “Have you ever been convicted of a crime?"

The Brit responds, “Right, so that's still a requirement?"

You Brits can make fun of me, but I think it's funny.

What did the Brit say when he paid 2,000 pounds for his fridge?

"Goodness gracious, that costs a ton!"

Made by me:)

A Brit, a Scandinavian and an American all entered their village fete's giant vegetable show.

The swede won.

The troubles of foreigners in Canada

A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.

"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a...

What’s the largest export of Great Britain?

Independence days

A Brit, Mexican, and a Texan are all on a carrier plane heading towards battle.

A Brit, Mexican, and a Texan are all on a carrier plane heading towards battle. The pilot over coms says

"There is to much wait on the plane, someone will have to jump off"

The Brit then goes to the exit of the plane and says,
"For the Queen!"
He then jumps off.

The pilot...

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A Brit & an Aussie walk into the men's room and take a piss...

As they finish, the Brit heads for the sink & turns on the water while the Aussie heads for the door.

With a disapproving look, the Brit turns to the Aussie and says: "In England, we wash our hands after using the bathroom."

"No worries, mate;" answers the Aussie, " in Australia we...

A drunk German and Russian are walking around town with a sober Brit

After a few too many, the group decides to head home but the two drunks can't seem to walk in a straight line, bumping into everything in sight as the Brit keeps them from hurting themselves. Fed up with babysitting them, the Brit decides to have some fun.

The German and Russian first bump in...

A Brit, a German, and an Irish man walk into a bar and order a beer....

The Brit sees a fly in his beer. He asks the bartender for a new beer, and drinks it.

The German sees a fly in his beer. He plucks it out, throws it on the ground, and drinks it.

The Irish man sees a fly in his beer, he plucks it out, holds it over the beer, stares at the fly and lea...

As a Brit I didn't believe Brexit could be Trumped

But it seems that's exactly what's happened :(

An Irishman, a Brit, and an American each order a beer

When the bartender delivers the drinks, each one has a fly floating in it.

The American throws a fit, yelling, saying how he can’t drink it, take it back immediately, etc.

The Brit removes the fly and politely enjoys his beer.

The Irishman is furious and screams at the fly: “STO...

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Brits

They drive a German Cars.

They go to Irish Pubs.

To drink Belgium beer.

They get a Chinese Takeaway on the way back.

They sit on Swedish furniture.

To watch American films.

On a Japanese TV.


Most of all though they are suspicious of all thi...

Brit: Why is it ‘cancelled’ in the UK but ‘canceled’ in America?

Murican: Coz we gave you that L in 1776

Did you hear about the Brit who had developed a pastry addiction?

He became a total sconer

you really have to admire brits who voted to leave

They were so worried about immigrants ruining their economy than they preempted it by doing it themselves.

What does a Brit do to a perfectly fine economy?

He Brex it...

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A Brit walks into a bar in Mississippi.

The bartender, taking note of the man's rather non-local appearance, shook his head and handed the man a beer - he didn't want to be at the butt-end of some lame joke.

The other bargoers, however, didn't seem to have the same inclination, and so began pestering the Brit.

"Well lookie h...

A Brit visits America

A Brit visits America and as part of his tour, he is shown the vast corn fields of Iowa stretching away to the horizon and beyond.

"My word," he says, "What on earth do you *do* with it all?"

The farmer grins and replies, "We eat what we can and what we can't, we can."

The Brit ...

So an American, a Brit, and a Chinese guy are stuck on a deserted island..

the American turns to the other two and says, "Okay, we have to survive somehow until help arrives. I'll get some water to drink, the brit should get some wood for the fire, and the chinese guy should get some supplies for the shelter."
2 hours go by and the American and the British guy are ba...

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A Brit, an American and an Italian are taken PoW

In the last year of the Second World War, the Nazis take a Brit, an American and an Italian as prisoner.
They torture them for information about allied plans. The Brit holds out for a few weeks, but eventually his stiff upper lip is beaten off of him, and he breaks; telling the Nazis everything...

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An American, a Brit, and a Japanese guy are stranded on a desert Island...

...the American says, "We're great at running the world, so I'll be President of the island." The Brit says, "We do whatever you blokes say, so I'll be Vice President." The American starts drawing out plans to build shelter and explaining them to the Brit. The Japanese guy asks, "Wait, what about me...

A Mexican, Texan, a Brit, and a Spaniard are on a plane...

A Mexican, Texan, a Brit, and a Spaniard are on a plane, and suddenly the pilot says, "We are crashing, but I will be able to land if 3 of you somehow get off." The 4 people look at each other, doubting anyone will jump. Then, the Brit jumps out, yelling, "Save the Queen!" The Spaniard then jumps ou...

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Did you hear about the Brit who only masturbated when she on her monthly?

She's a Bloody Wanker.

If you punched a random Brit today...

There would be a 52% chance they deserved it.

I now understand why the Brits have leftenants instead of lieutenants

Otherwise they'd be renting bathrooms during combat.

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The Japanese invented a thief catching robot.

After running successful lab trials they decided to test it. After deploying in Tokyo the robot caught 35 thieves in 24 hours.

The news Broke out.

Much Impressed, the Brits ordered the robot for themselves. After deploying in London the robot busted 65 thieves under 8 hours.

The...

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A Scot, a Brit, and an American walk into a bar.

They all sit down and order pints of beer.

When the American gets his beer, he notices a fly in it. He beckons over to the bartender and asks, "Excuse me, bartender, but there seems to be a fly in my beer." The bartender apologizes and brings the American a new beer who drinks it down.
...

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The prisoners’ last meals

3 prisoners were sentenced to death row and offered their last meal. The first one, a Brit said, fish and chips and a really good drink. And the guards gave it to him.

The second one, an Italian said, the finest risotto. And the guards gave it to him.

The third one, a Jew said strawb...

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A Brit, a Scott, and an Irishman...

So a Britt, a Scott, and an Irishman walk into a bar. They all sit down and order their ales of choice. While they are talking, a fly dives into each of their ales. Disgusted, the Brit says, "Bartender a new ale please" and continues drinking his new ale. The Scott looks at the fly in his ale and co...

Welcome to Australia!

A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"

"Pleasure," he replies.

"Anything to declare?"

"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie ...

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A Brit, a Frenchman, and an American are shipwrecked at sea...

They wash up on an island where they are captured by a tribe of cannibals. The Chief of the tribe says to the three men,"We are going to sacrifice all of you, eat you, and use your skins for a canoe. We will allow you each to choose how you die." The Brit asks for poison. The Chief hands him a cup a...

A Brit and a Texan are talking. The Texan says "You know, I can get in my car and drive for 3 days and still be on my own land."

The Brit replies "I had a car like that once."

What are two letters a Brit can't live without?

T and Qs.

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An American, a Brit, and an Irishman are sitting at a bar

A fly lands in each of their beers, the American takes the fly out of the glass and keeps on drinking. The Brit looks at the fly and asks the waitress for a new drink. The Irishman grabs the fly, squeezes it and yells "spit it out you greedy bastard!"

An Englishman, Frenchman, American and Mexican are on a plane…

Plane starts going down and the pilot yells “we need to cast off weight to make a landing but there is only one parachute!”

So the Brit decides to be valiant and be the first to jump. “God save the Queen!” and he jumps out.

The Frenchman follows suit: “Vive le France!” and out he goes....

Brits, Aussies, and Kiwis will most likely only get this:

Remember Bill and Ben, The Flowerpot Men?

One day, Bill says to Ben, "Flobadobglibglobbloobleglob!"

And Ben say, "If you loved me, you'd swallow that....."

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Us Brits are usually really good at self-deprecating comedy.

But I'm shit at it.

Since yesterday, more than 2 million Brits have called for a new EU referendum...

That's what you get when Donald Trump says you made the right choice.

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Did you hear about the new Nazi documents that have been uncovered?

They were conducting experiments involving mixing the DNA of electric eels, dogs, and captured British soldiers.

According to the plans they were quite eel-lab-brit.

Ps: sorry...

A Canadian couple was strolling through a park in London and sat down on a bench next to an elderly Briton. The Brit noticed their lapel pins sporting the Canadian flag and, to make conversation, said "Judging by your pins, you must be Canadians".

A Canadian couple was strolling through a park in London and sat down on a bench next to an elderly Briton. The Brit noticed their lapel pins sporting the Canadian flag and, to make conversation, said "Judging by your pins, you must be Canadians".

"Indeed we are", replied the Canadian gen...

How many brits are needed to change a light bulb

None they just terminate their apartment contract.

A Brit, a Spaniard and a Dutch walk into a bar..

.. unfortunately the Icelander couldn't come, he's still in the European Championship.

A Brit, an American and a Frenchman are arguing on how to pee...

... The American proclaims loudly, "The only way to pee is standing up! A man can so a man should!" Laughing, the Brit replies, "Surely you must be joking, I know why your bathrooms are such a mess! Sitting down to pee is better all around." Both arguing, they ask the Frenchman to be the deciding fa...

What's the difference between Americans and Brits?

Brits think 200 miles is a long distance,

Americans think 200 years is a long time.

A Brit flies into Australia..

The immigration officer asks him, “Do you have any felony convictions?”
The Briton replies, “Sorry. I didn’t realize that was still a requirement.”

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Did you know that the condom was invented by the Turks?

They used the intestines of sheep around their penis when having sex.

And did you know that years later, the Brits were the ones who improved the condom by removing the sheep?

Why do vultures make good Brits?

Because they eat common carrion.

A Brit and an Indian walk down the streets of Brussels.

All of a sudden, a large German military plane passes overhead.
The Brit says "Holy cow, what was that!"
The Indian flops down on his hands and knees. "Where's the holy cow?"

An Israeli, a Brit, a Russian, a Vietnamese, and an American are sitting in a restaurant.

An Israeli, a Brit, a Russian, a Vietnamese, and an American are sitting in a restaurant. A reporter comes by and asks, "Excuse me, but can I get your opinion on the recent grain shortage in the third world?" The Brit asks: "What's a 'shortage'?" The Vietnamese asks: "What's 'grain'?" The Russian as...

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A Brit, a Frenchie, and a redneck are captured by savages on an island.....

The savages tell them, "we are going to kill you and use your skin to make canoes. However, before we kill you, you may have one last request"

The brit goes first, "I'd like some poison please." He gets the poison, shouts "God save the queen" drinks it and dies.

The Frenchie goes next,...

Short but Sweet.

A Scotsman, an Irishman and a Brit walk into a pub.

The landlord sees them from behind the bar and asks, "Is this a joke?"

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Have you guys heard of this new sex position?

You say you're gonna pull out but then you don't.

It's called the brit.

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