UPJOKE
visual acuityglassesglaucomacontact lensdeveloping worldvisual fieldbraillelow visionlarge-printcataractastigmatisminfectionbrainstrokenear-sightedness

Blind Man Jokes

A blind man went to a restaurant.

menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.
The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and...

How do you surprise a blind man?

Leave a plunger in the toilet.

A blind man enters a ladies bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke sir, you should ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Nun was taking a bath when there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" She asked. The voice back replies "It's the blind man, can I come in?" The Nun thinks for a moment and says "yes that's fine". The door opens and the man says.

Nice tits, where you want me to hang the blinds?

A blind man walks into a bar...

He finds a stool at the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

After a few sips he beckons for the bartender and says, "Hey bartender, want to hear a blonde joke?"

The bartender says, "Sure, but before you do tell it, you should know there's a massive bodybuilding world champion sitting n...

A blind man walks into a bar...

And a table... and chairs... and people

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?

It’s not hard

A blind man enters a bar and asks the Barkeeper "Wanna hear a joke about blondes?"

Suddenly, the bar is as silent as a grave. A guy next to the blind man leans over and whispers

"Dude, be carefull. The barkeeper is blonde and an ex-soldier. The bouncer is also blonde and the reigning box champion of the city. And then there is Joe... he's just released from prison after he...

So a blind man walks into a bar..

The blind man sits down, thinking he'd break the ice with the bartender by asking "Wanna hear a blond joke?"

In a hushed voice, a man beside him says "Before you tell that joke, you should know our bartender IS blonde, or bouncer is blond, I'm a 6'4" black belt, the man sitting on the other ...

Why did the blind man fall into the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An 80 year old blind man walks into a pub and sits at the bar.

He orders a pint and tells the landlord, "I've been blind for 50 years lad. My hearing's perfectly attuned. I bet can tell you what's happening in any room in this pub."

"Oh really", says the landlord, "go ahead then".

The old man cups a hand round his ear, tilts his head to the ceil...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I See, I See" - said the blind man, pissing into the wind.

"It's all coming back to me".

A blind man walked into a bar

And then a chair... and then a woman and then a wall

A blind man and a man in a wheelchair are having a conversation.

The man in the wheelchair says: "hey look! A spider"

to which the blind man replied "step on it"

A blind man walks into a bar

A blind man walks into a bar and says , Hey do you all want to hear a blond joke?

the bartender quickly leans over and says , just so you know , im blond , the 2 other bartenders are blond and the 2 big bouncers are blond

the blind man hesitates and says "Never mind, i dont want to hav...

A blind man had to shoot his dog...

To this day, he still misses him

A blind man walks into a library and asks, "Do you have any books on tape?"

The librarian says, "Yes, yes we do, but it's not a very interesting subject."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a blind man goes to a restaurant

One day a blind man goes to a restaurant

The server asked him if he’d like to see the menu

The blind man says: “no, I am blind, just bring me a dirty fork and I will smell it and order”.

The server, confused, goes to the kitchen, and brings back a dirty fork.

The blind...

A blind man and his mistress.

A blind guy visited his choir mistress at home and found her bathing. Since he was blind, she let him in.

After bathing, she came out naked, spread her legs and started shaving in front of him. She tried to make a conversation by asking him, “Brother John, what brings you here? Is everything ...

Blind Man: I love this half sandwich restaurant

Me: What do you mean? They only serve full sand...

Service Dog: (puts a paw on my lips)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The nun and the blind man.

A nun is taking a bath and hears a knock on the door. The nun asks, “Who is it?”
A man replies, “It’s the blind man!”
Thinking, oh he’s blind what harm could it do she then responds “Come in.”
A man comes through the door with a utility belt around his waist and tape measure in hand. He loo...

A husband and a wife are waiting at the bus stop..

A Husband and a wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 10 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
Soon, the bus arrives, but it is overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a whil...

A blind man with a service dog walked into a bar

The construction worker holding the bar said, "Dude, you need a new dog!"

A blind man came to me for some business advice.

I told him he's never going to succeed in what he's doing.
He asked why is that. I told him because he lacked vision.
That's not nice, he said.
I asked why, is the joke too dark for you?

A rabbi met a hungry blind man

To help, the rabbi offered the blind man a piece of matzah.



The blind man held it and said "Who wrote this nonsense?!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blind man's big penis

A blind man was always turned down by women because of his disability. He knew one thing though, that he had an abnormally large erection. Knowing he couldn't successfully have a relationship, and use his hammer properly, he asked one of his dear friends to bring him to "pleasure palace", a local se...

A blind man, a deaf man, and a mute man like a woman

The blind man, to impress her, says: "If I could see anything, I wish I could see your face."


The deaf man says: "If I could hear anything, I wish I could hear your voice."


The mute man says:

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blind Man

Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one single drop of paint on their habits. After discussing it, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked. In the m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the blind man say when he touched sandpaper for the first time?

"What the fuck did I just read?"

“I see,” said the blind man

As he ordered his favorite frozen drink from 7/11.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you wan...

Blind man walks into a store

He grabs his guide dog by the tail and lifts it into the air then spins it around his head.

Setting the dog back on the floor he turns to leave. The manager stops him and asks “Can I Help You?” …. “Nope, I’m just looking around.”

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down...

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty d...

Blind Man

Two female privates are ordered to paint the general's office. They are warned not to get paint on their uniforms. So they lock the door, strip off their clothes and get to work. An hour later, there's a knock at the door. "Who is it?" they ask. "Blind man." Thinking nothing of it, the privates open...

A blind man walks into a bar…

…and his dog leads him over to a table. He suddenly picks the dog up by the tail and starts swinging him around over his head.

The bartender runs over and yells “What the hell are you doing, man!?” To which the blind man replies…

“Oh I’m just looking around”.

A blind man visits Texas.

When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”

“Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop.

The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!”

The barte...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blind man is sitting in a restaurant.

When the waiter comes to the table the blind man asks may he please have the dirty fork of the last diner. The waiter is a bit puzzled but says ok. The blind man puts the fork in his mouth and says, "mmm...meatloaf, that's delicious, I'll have the meatloaf please."

The next night the blind ma...

Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus

Lost my job as a bus driver.

"I see!" says the blind man,

as he picked up his hammer and saw.

There was a fight between a blind man, a deaf man, and a mute man

I just have to ask, how long until we end this senseless violence?

A blind man is went into a store

A blind man went into a store with his dog and swings it around in circles. An employee asks if he needs any help. The man says, "No I'm just taking a look"

A blind man owes money from his friend

A blind man owes money to his friend and said to him, when I see you next time I will pay my debt back to you.

An old blind man.

Was walking past the fish-market.


He said, good morning ladies....

Blind man goes for surgery

A man blind from birth hears about new surgery that can give him sight. He goes to the doctor who tells him he can do the surgery. He asks if being able to see will have any negative impacts on his life.

"Well," the doctor says. "You won't be able to maintain an erection."

"Is that a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blind man goes into a bakery, touches the salt croissant and says...

...WHICH IDIOT WROTE THIS BULLSHIT ON IT!?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Blind Man

A woman is in a bath and a man knocks in her door, the woman screams out 'Who is it?' and the man goes 'The Blind Man Ma'am!'

The woman figures he's blind and welcomes him inside.

The man walks into a bathroom and says 'Nice tits! Now what window needed blinds?'


My mother to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was having a shower

when the door-bell rang.

"It's the blind man" he called.

That's ok, she thought so she quickly ran downstairs naked to open the door.

"Nice tits" he said. "Now, where do you want those blinds?"

After running his fingers over the raised Braille lettering on the surface, the blind man looked terrified

A passing man noticed this and asked him, "What did it say ?".

The blind man responded, "RADIOACTIVE. DO NOT TOUCH"

Why can’t the blind man see his friends?

Because he’s married

A blind man finds himself on a watchtower...

Someone on the ground shouts up, "Hey, what are you doing up there?"

"Guessing"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman gets out the shower

A woman is just getting out the shower when there's a knock at the door. She doesn't have a towel at hand so she shouts, "Who is it?".

"It's the blind man"

Realising the towel no longer matters, she opens the door.

The blind man says, "Nice tits, love. Where do you want the blin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blind man once entered a fancy restaurant

A blind man once entered a restaurant known for its exquisite cuisines, with the help of some people he managed to sit at a table and called out for the waiter

The waiter being extremely courteous asked if he wanted the menu to be read out loud, the blind man said it wasn't necessary, all the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blind man walks into a lumberyard and asks for a job.

The manager looks at him and says, "what job could I possibly give you that you could do?"

The blind man says, "I can identify any wood by smell."

So, the manager decides to test him. He holds up a board up under the blind man's nose. The blind man takes one whiff and says, "Cherry. D...

A blind man gets into a blondes only bar

He approaches the bar, asks for a beer, and tells her:

- Do you want to hear a very funny joke on blondes?

- Ohh man, you got into the wrong place with this joke! I am 200 pounds blonde barwoman, at your right there is a blonde bodybuilder, at the right there is a blond black belt on k...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blind man was walking down the street

A blind man was walking down the street with his dog.
They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic.

The dog, at this point, started pissing on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the do...

In an apartment complex, a beautiful woman and three men live

One day, the woman is taking a shower, when one of the men knocks on her door. She recognizes his voice as that of the football player, so she puts on a towel and sees what he wants.

Football player: great news! My team won the game!

Woman: that’s very exciting! Congratulations!
...

A blind man talking to a deaf man :

-Good thing you can at least see!
At which the deaf man responds :

A blind man walks into a department store..

And after hesitantly taking a moment to listen to the sounds of his surroundings, he proceeds to the middle of the store, picks up his guide dog and starts swinging it around by its’ leash in wide looping circles above his head.

Seeing this unfold, a store clerk quickly runs over before inte...

A blind man walks into a store

A blind man walks into a store with a helper dog.
The blind man walks to the center of the shop & stops.

The cashier asks if he can help the blind man, the blind man said nothing and starts swirling the dog over his head a few times.

The cashier is stunned about this action and...

Three disabled stranded men

Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, bu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blind man

Why shouldn't you take a blind man skydiving?

Because it would scare the shit out of his dog!

A blind man is preparing for a dinner date

First, he takes a shower. This is somewhat difficult for him because he is blind. Next, he puts on his nice clothing. After a bit of adjusting, he believes he is ready, so he asks his friend, "How do I look?"

His friend replies, "You don't"

A blind man walked into a bar

And ordered a drink like a normal person. Because blind people have walking sticks, sometimes guide dogs, and aren’t stupid.

So there was this blind man.

He was feelin' his way down the street with a stick.

He walked past this fish market.

He stopped, he took a deep breath sniffs the air and says
"Woo good morning ladies"

A blind man walks into a bar with his guide dog.

Without saying a word, the man takes the leash of his dog and swings the dog above his head in a circle like a lasso.

After a short time, the barman finally asks "what are you doing?!"

Thereupon the blind man says: Oh, I just wanted to take a look around.

A blind man walks into a restaurant...

The owner greets the blind man and asks him how he can help him choose a meal "shall I read to you our menu? “the owner asks.

" no need" says the blind man, "just bring me a selection of dirty forks and I'll know what to choose."

Curious, the owner goes back to the kitchen, gets a hand...

How does a blind man tell if he's done wiping?

Taste test

I remember that one time I stole from a blind man,

He never saw me coming.

A Blind man is at the bus stop....

... and along comes a large family. Mother, Father, and 7 young children. As they're waiting for the bus, it starts to rain, just making the wait worse.

When the bus arrives, being polite, the men let the mother and children get on first, at which point the bus driver says: "Sorry guys. The ...

A blind man and a conspiracy theorist walk into a bar

The blind man hits his head. This must have been a setup.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.