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Scruff Jokes

A dwarf with a lisp goes to visit a stud farm.

"I'd like to buy a horth"

He says to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse?"

Said the owner.

"A female horth"

The dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a lovely mare.

"Nithe horth."

Says the dwarf,

"Can I thee her eyeth?"

So ...

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best friend

“You look upset, Jack, what’s wrong?” “I’ve just found my wife in bed with my best friend.” “Oh mate, I’m sorry to hear that. What did you do?” “I told her to pack her bags and fuck off.” “Good for you, and what about your best friend?” “I got him by the scruff of the neck and said, ‘Bad dog!

Similarities between Scruff McGruff's police force and Michael Vick?

They've both got a dog fighting crime.

A man tells his friend that he has a dog in a suitcase who can play the piano.

The friend says “ok let’s see it”. The man opens the suitcase and sure enough a small dog with a small piano comes out and plays the piano with great skill. As he plays a crowd gathers around to watch. After some time a female dog comes out from the crowd, picks him up by the scruff and carries him ...

It's 1887 and a three-legged dog walks into a saloon, grabs the bartender by the scruff of his neck, looks him dead in the eyes and says...

"I'm looking for the man that shot my paw."

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An oldie but a goodie, for my dad

No, my dad's not dead! But he loves a good joke and this one leapt into my mind 40 years after I first heard it.

A guy walks into a bar with his dog and the bartender is like hey, we don't allow dogs in here! But this guy is super posh and his dog is absolutely stunning! He says "This is a p...

A Man Walks Into a Bar with His Little Dog...

He puts the dog on the bar and says to the bartender, "25 bucks says this dog can talk!"

Bartender says, "I'll take that bet. Make it quick."

Man looks at the dog and points upward. "What's the name of this thing over our head keeps the rain out?"

Dog barks, ...

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A Glaswegian is standing in a bus queue eating a meat pie and chips, and this little yappy dog keeps jumping up at him and begging.

So he says to the lady that's got the dog, "Hey there, is it OK if I throw your dog a bit?"

And when she says "Yes," he picks the dog up by the scruff and yeets the fucker thirty yards up the street.

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A man goes to Vatican to meet the Pope

A man goes to the Vatican to meet the Pope. When he arrives there is a long line of people waiting.

The man has a fresh haircut, wears his best suit and polishes his shoes to make sure he looks as good as possible.

The pope comes out and begins to bless and shake hands with the people ...

One day Nelson Mandela was chilling in his house...

When there was a knock on the door.

He opened the door to find a short Chinese man with a large truck full of car exhausts. The Chinese man jumped in front of Nelson Mandela holding up a clipboard and said,"you sign..you sign!!"

"Look, I don't know you and don't want any of your stuff...

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God-damn eggs

It's early in the morning, and Johnny, who's ten years old, is telling his younger brother Freddie that he's going to use a Bad Word that day. Freddie thinks this is most daring thing *ever*, and asks,

"Really??? That's soooo cool! What word you gonna use? Huh?"

Johnny whispers "I'm go...

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It’s parade day in Russia and 3 military thieves are locked in a jail cell awaiting their punishment.

All the other males in the army are either partaking in the parade or out celebrating their national pride and getting drunk on vodka so they have cleverly entrusted their female counterparts to continue running things whilst they are gone.

A female Lieutenant asks her superior, “How are we t...

The Three-Legged Pig

So, there's a traveling salesman who has been on the road for too long. He decides that, to fix his boredom, the next thing he sees he's going to stop and ask somebody about it.

Well wouldn't you know it, he sees a pig with three legs at the edge of a farm.

"Ok," he says to himself. "...

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A tractor joke

There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was th...

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A Shaggy Dog Story

A guy walks into a bar with his dog.
He says to the bartender; “I have a talking dog, and for a drink, I’ll prove it to you.”
The bartender pours the man a drink.
The man has his drink. When he finishes, the bartender says, “so let’s hear your dog talk.”
The man says to the dog;
“W...

A Conductor on a train...

There once was this guy who worked for the Railroad as a conductor. Let's say his name was Joe. Well, Joe was walking through the train, en route, collecting tickets from the passengers. He comes to car 12, booth 3. In it was a man.

So, he asked him for his ticket: "Excuse me sir, do have you...

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A couple is expecting their first born child...

It's a beautiful spring day and the mother is sleeping after a long delivery. The doctor walks in holding the baby and announces that it's a baby boy.

The father asks, "Can I hold him?" and the doctor replies "Of course, but I have to run a few tests first, its routine you understand".
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