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Attache Jokes

The psychiatrist was excited to receive a wicker attache.

He always wanted a basket case.
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I threw a boomerang with some RAM attached to it

It really brought back memories
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A pirate walks into a bar with an enormous ship's wheel attached to his groin.

He orders a grog, and as the bartender pours it he says, "Cap'n - forgive me - but what's with the wheel?"
The pirate replies, "Arrrrr - it's drivin' me nuts!"
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Be careful about emails from weird addresses with long links or strange files attached

They could be from your parents
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What did the popcorn kernel say when it found itself attached to another kernel?

I'm a little corn-fused.
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When two criminals get surgically attached

They are con fused
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I bought a robotic penis that attaches between my forearm and my fingers.

It seems quite futurewristdick.

I attached all of my watches together to make a belt ...

***... as it turns out, it was a waist of time!***
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My girlfriend claims I get attached way too quickly...

I feel insulted. That's the first and last time I pay at this cashier.
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Got attached by zombies but they didn't hurt me.

Fortunately, they were looking for brains.
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Scientists attached cameras to dogs, to learn more about their life.

Turns out: 10% of time - dog trying to get rid from camera and rest of time - it run away from scientists.
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I should have guessed getting eyes surgically attached to my asshole was a bad idea.

But hind sight is 20/20.

A friend of mine cut off the tip of ants feet and attached stilts to their legs.

Now he has lack toes and taller ants...
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A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client. A note was attached that stated: "This bill is one year old."

By return mail the lawyer had his bill back. To it was attached a card which read: "Happy Birthday, Bill”
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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his member.

He tells the bartender to give him a shot of his strongest rum in a dirty glass. The pirate drinks it and breaks the glass against the wall.

The bartender knows to keep his distance from the angry pirate, until he calls him over and demands another shot of rum in a dirty glass. The pirate thr...

TMZ revealed Demi Lovato was briefly attached to Wonder Woman 1984

Her agent then told her it was a super**heroine** film.
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My girlfriend told me she prefers No Strings Attached.

And then the removed my parachute midair b
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What do you call a nose that’s not attached to a body?

Nobody knows!
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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down ...

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So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…"

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best frien...

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Why do tampons have that piece of string attached to the end of them?

So you can floss your teeth when you’re done eating.

A child point his finger at a toy plane attached to the ceiling

And he says to his mum “mum I really want to be like that airplane when I grow up!”

His mother: “why? Because it flies really high?”

Him:”no, because it’s hanging from the ceiling”
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Why do tampons have strings attached?

So you can floss after you eat.


Alt ending: So the crabs can bungee jump.

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Tampax are releasing a tampon with tinsel attached to it....

It's for the Christmas period

A friend gave me a free guitar the other day, but I've been having trouble playing it

I guess I can't complain though, it's not often someone just gives you something with no strings attached
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Have you ever tried masturbating with a bell attached to your penis?

I've got to tell you, it's a dick ting.

My girlfriend is really attached to me

She's basically my right arm
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What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis?

Screwed
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A pirate has a steering wheel attached to his crotch.

As he walks down the street someone notices and asks "Doesn't that hurt?"

The pirate replies, "Arr, it drives me nuts."
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What is black and smokes and is attached to electrical wires?

A bad electrician
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A brunette and two blondes were hanging on a rope that was attached to a helicopter...

They were hanging on for dear life. However, they were told that the rope was going to break soon and that it could only support two people at this rate.

The two blondes started arguing about who should let go of the rope. The brunette didn't speak for most of the argument, but suddenly thoug...
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Why are branches attached to trees?

Because they stick
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There was a terrorist with a bomb attached to his bowels.

He had explosive diarrhea.
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Two conjoined twins, attached by the face, have successfully been separated today.

Since the operation they've done nothing but argue.

Having once been so close, they no longer see eye to eye.
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Why do pirates only have one type of weapon attached to their ship?

Because the other weapons are non-canon.
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My life is a lot like a piranha attached to a boomerang.

No matter what I do, it always comes back to bite me in the ass.

What did the amputee chemist say as he attached his new leg?

Neon.
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I wanted to make my cock longer so I had 5 toes surgically attached.

It still looks the same length but now it feels like a foot!

What do you call a Taiwanese dog with a camera attached to its head?

A GouPro
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“Doctor, I intend to not vaccinate my son. Should I take any precautions?”

“Yes. Don’t get too attached to him”.
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A man walks into doctor's office with a duck attached to his head.

"Oh my god!" - exclaims the doctors in surprise - "How did this happen?".

- "I'm not sure exactly, but it all started a few month ago with a small growth on my foot" - replies the duck.
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A reporter walks into a bar

A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He's been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.

"Best day? Well, that must've been th...

Does anyone know of a kind of relationship where you and the other person have a caring and mutual bond -- but you're not romantically attached to them, and you're not their family?

Asking for a friend.
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I chose not to put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay...

... because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about...
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REQUEST: Looking for those story jokes where you get the listener emotionally attached/involved before revealing knockout punchlines, to cheer up quarantined family friends

You know the ones I mean, guys. Let’s have it!
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My penis is small

But I’m pretty attached to it.

Saw a corpse with a "free" sign attached to the head, on the side of the road. Wondered who would do such a thing!

Apparently it was a dead give away.
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A man ask for absolution to a priest during conffession. The priest tells the man " is clear that you are too attached to money so as a penance give 20€ to the first person you meet outside of the church, it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So the man leaves the church and walks away

After a few minutes, finally, he sees someone, is a woman, from her appearance alone he understands that the she is a prostitute but he remember Father's words "it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So he approaches her and trys to give her the 20€. The woman is furious! "You think you can have ...

Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place

Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place. St. Peter explains that he should ask any person who comes to the gates a little about themselves before they enter. Then you decide whether or not they should be allowed into heaven.

It's a slow day, but most people are a...
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I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.

I was in shambles.
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My wife asked if I would donate my kidney to her if she ever needed it. I said I would but there's strings attached.

..and veins and arteries.
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What does a drill with a dildo attached to the end and watching golf have in common?

They both bore the fuck out of you!

In a chemistry lab, there's a bottle of methanol on the table with a note attached "don't drink it, you will go blind"...

The next day the bottle is half empty and someone added to the note: "I will risk one eye".
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BDSM really isn't good for one night stands...

There's usually strings attached.
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NSFW - Did you hear about the little boy who was born without eyelids? They took the skin from his circumcision and surgically attached it to his eyes!

But now the poor kid is cock-eyed.

Why would no one name thier child Pollen?

Apparently there's a lot of stigma attached.
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