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Freud Jokes

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What does Sigmund Freud and Samuel L Jackson have in common?

For them, everyone is a motherfucker

Sigmund Freud was an Olympic Gold Medalist

He took home the medal for Mental Gymnastics.

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There's a new restaurant opening called Kentucky Freud Chicken...

...It's motherfucking good.

What did Sigmund Freud say to his high school bully?

"Yo mama so ugly, even your own subconscious don't like her"

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What did Sigmund Freud believe came between fear and sex?

Funf.

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Jung and Freud

are arguing about the fine points of psychiatry, then things got nasty.

Said Freud "You are a dick Carl!" Answered Jung "Your mama!"

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Fucking Freud, man ...

If it's not one thing with that guy, it's your mother.

What? Another Sigmund Freud joke?

Here Ego again...

Freud walks into a bar.

"I'll bet $100 that I can outdrink anybody in this bar!" he declares.

"Well clearly you have an ego", says the barman. "I'll allow the contest but first I need to see some id."

"Oh OK", replies Freud. "I'll have a glass of water please, I'm parched."

Freud is such an incesting guy.

Interesting! I meant interesting.

How many Sigmund Freuds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Your mother.

Like Freud says...

...if it's not ones thing, it's your mother.

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Freud day

Freud was born on this day. Everyone should go and read his boobs.

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I don’t trust Freud. Only because ...

His theories aren’t testicle.

Freud, Darwin and the Pope walked into a bar.

Sitting on the counter is a weird, creepy statue. As they walk in, it's eyes seem to follow them.
They approach the bar, and to their shock the statue speaks. "Enjoy your beverages, mortals."

The three are stunned for a moment.
Darwin recovers first.
"This obviously is a product of ...

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I just found out someone opened a credit card in my name and used it to buy thousands of dollars worth of milf porn!

I think I’m a victim of identity Freud.

I tried looking up pictures of Freud's mother to see what his deal was,

Apparently, there aren't any good surviving pictures,

they all look kinda bleached & whitened from over-cleaning.

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I can't stand Freud...

him and his motherfucking complex.

How many Sigmund Freuds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold the ladder and one to screw your mothe… errr I mean the lightbulb.

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What does Sigmund Freud say comes between fear and sex?

fünf

(it helps if you say it out loud, and understand German) :-)

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Anna Freud, asks Sigmund Freud

Anna Freud, before she became a great analyst, is in Vienna, at home with her father. The two of them are discussing psychoanalysis, when Anna turns to Freud and says "There is one thing I have always been meaning to ask that I am not sure about: What is the phallus?" Freud says "Well, this is somet...

What do Sigmund Freud and Bill Cosby have in common?

They both explored the unconscious.

Why did Sigmund Freud cross the road?

To get to the mother side.

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The problem with Freud...

The problem with Freud is that none of his theories are testicle.

Sigmund Freud walks into a bar

Sits down and orders a banana daiquiri and a hotdog. He looks over to the stage and Mozart comes out and starts going crazy on a keyboard. Freud downs his drink, flips a few tables and runs out angrily. Mozart looks at the barman and asks, "What was that about?" The barman replies. "Pianist envy."

In 1910 Freud was old

But his student was Jung

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It's Sigmund Freud's birthday today...

I wish him great happenis.

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Sigmund Freud is talking to his buddy ...

... and the conversation turns to sex, as often happens. Freud says, "I'm thinking about taking out Carl's daughter."

"Carl's daughter?" says the buddy in disbelief. "Isn't she a little Jung?"

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Sigmund Freud sits down for tea with his mother..

Sigmund Freud is sitting down for a cup of tea with his dear mother, who has her nose in a book. She gasps, and Freud asks why. And so she responds: "why, Siggy, according to these scientists, our universe is only one of many! We live in parallel with millions of other realities where everything tha...

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According to Sigmund Freud, sexual imagery pops up in the vast majority of art,

But this theory has been proven to be a phallusy.

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What do you get when you cross king Midas, Medusa and Sigmund Freud?

One stone gold motherfucker.

Someone asked me if I would bet on Sigmund Freud's psychoanalytic theory of personalityl

I replied I'm all Id

what did Freud say about an algebraic equation?

What you do to one side, you must also do to your mother

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Freud was wrong, I have no desire to sleep with my mom

I'd bang the shit out of my aunt, though.

My grandpa believes he is best friends with Freud.

But I keep telling him he is just a Sigmund of his imagination.

What did Sigmund Freud say when he had an epiphany?

Urethra!

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How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it, and the other to hold the penis.

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Do you want to hear the story on Sigmund Freud? NSFW

It takes a while but it gets to the mother fucking point.

History's great scientists were invited to a party. Here are their responses.

Isaac Newton: "I'll drop in."

Socrates: "I'll think about it."

Georg Ohm: "I'm resisting the idea."

Robert Boyle: "I'm under too much pressure."

Charles Darwin: "I'll wait to see what evolves."

Pierre and Marie Curie: "We're radiating enthusiasm."

Alessandro...

I wanted to take a grad level Psych class on Freud, in my sophomore year.

But the professor wouldn't let me. She said I was too Jung

What happens when a shrink doesn't pay taxes?

Tax freud

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My wife has a sexy nightgown that I like because it reminds me of one my mom used to have.

I call it her Freudian slip.

One of the best jokes I've heard from the late great Sir Clement Freud

I heard a rather nice story about a man who drank a lot and his wife said "if you ever come home drunk again, I'm going to leave you".

He went out to a pub and drank a lot and threw up all over himself, and said to his friend "If I come home like this my wife will leave me".

His friend...

What's Psychologists' Favorite Dish?

Freud Rice

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What happens when you give Sigmund Freud and Oedipus a bunch of cocaine?

A mother fucking awesome party.

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Freudian Slip...

A guy sits in his seat on an airplane, red-faced, and turns to the guy next to him. "Oh man. I just made the worst Freudian slip. The ticket agent was really well-endowed and instead of asking her for a ticket to Pittsburg, I asked her for a picket to tittsburg. So embarrassing!"

The guy he's...

3 Psychoanalysts walk into a bar

Bartender says: we have every beer from around the world. What can I get you fellas?

Sigmund Freud says: I’ll have an Austrian lager in a pint glass

Carl Jung says: I’ll have a Swiss lager also in a pint glass

Bartender looks at the third guy and says: where you from buddy?
...

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How five Jews changed the way we see the world:

Moses: "The Law is everything"

Jesus: "Love is everything"

Marx: "Money is everything"

Freud: "Sex is everything"

Einstein: "Everything is relative"

My wife made a Freudian slip while we were making love.

She said, "Yes! Oh yes! Oh my God Sigmund!!"

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What is a Freudian slip?

It's when you say one thing but fuck your mother

What do you call a cruise liner full of psychologists?

A Freudian ship.

Why are the best psychoanalysists Asian?

Because they grew up listening to Pink Freud.

Sigmund knows he's done working

when his brain's freud

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What did the Japanese Psychologist name his progressive rock band?

Pink Freud

As a child, I wanted to be a psychologist.

But my parents told me, "We're a-Freud you're too Jung for that."

Hollywood Halloween

Bruce Willis and Sylvester Stallone were discussing their next Halloween costumes. They wanted to get away from the typical scary characters and do something different.

Bruce: 'how about historical figures? I'll go as Freud.'

Sly: 'ok, sounds good. I'll go as Leonardo Da Vinci.'
...

A psychoanalyst says he thinks he is going crazy

Another psychoanalyst thinks to himself "Im aFreud he is going to commit suicide. He is too Jung to die"

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Freudian slip.

So this guy says to his mate that he had a Freudian slip recently. The friend hasn't heard of this before and asks him what he means. So the first guy says: "well it's when you mean to say one thing but instead you say what's on your mind- it's better if I give you an example: The other day I was...

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