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What does Sigmund Freud and Samuel L Jackson have in common?

For them, everyone is a motherfucker

How many Sigmund Freuds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold the ladder and one to screw your mothe… errr I mean the lightbulb.

Like Freud says...

...if it's not ones thing, it's your mother.

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Fucking Freud, man ...

If it's not one thing with that guy, it's your mother.

Freud, Darwin and the Pope walked into a bar.

Sitting on the counter is a weird, creepy statue. As they walk in, it's eyes seem to follow them.
They approach the bar, and to their shock the statue speaks. "Enjoy your beverages, mortals."

The three are stunned for a moment.
Darwin recovers first.
"This obviously is a product of ...

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Jung and Freud

are arguing about the fine points of psychiatry, then things got nasty.

Said Freud "You are a dick Carl!" Answered Jung "Your mama!"

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I don’t trust Freud. Only because ...

His theories aren’t testicle.

What? Another Sigmund Freud joke?

Here Ego again...

Why did young Freud wear women's clothing?

He kept trying to get into his mom's pants.

Freud is such an incesting guy.

Interesting! I meant interesting.

What did Sigmund Freud say when his patient wouldn’t unhand his waffle?

“Leggo my ego!”

One of the best jokes I've heard from the late great Sir Clement Freud

I heard a rather nice story about a man who drank a lot and his wife said "if you ever come home drunk again, I'm going to leave you".

He went out to a pub and drank a lot and threw up all over himself, and said to his friend "If I come home like this my wife will leave me".

His friend...

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What do you get when you cross king Midas, Medusa and Sigmund Freud?

One stone gold motherfucker.

What do Sigmund Freud and Bill Cosby have in common?

They both explored the unconscious.

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According to Sigmund Freud, sexual imagery pops up in the vast majority of art,

But this theory has been proven to be a phallusy.

Freud walks into a bar.

"I'll bet $100 that I can outdrink anybody in this bar!" he declares.

"Well clearly you have an ego", says the barman. "I'll allow the contest but first I need to see some id."

"Oh OK", replies Freud. "I'll have a glass of water please, I'm parched."

Why didn’t the bouncer let Sigmund Freud into the nightclub?

He forgot his Id

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There's a new restaurant opening called Kentucky Freud Chicken...

...It's motherfucking good.

Someone asked me if I would bet on Sigmund Freud's psychoanalytic theory of personalityl

I replied I'm all Id

Sigmund Freud walks into a bar

Sits down and orders a banana daiquiri and a hotdog. He looks over to the stage and Mozart comes out and starts going crazy on a keyboard. Freud downs his drink, flips a few tables and runs out angrily. Mozart looks at the barman and asks, "What was that about?" The barman replies. "Pianist envy."

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I can't stand Freud...

him and his motherfucking complex.

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Freud day

Freud was born on this day. Everyone should go and read his boobs.

In 1910 Freud was old

But his student was Jung

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Freud was wrong, I have no desire to sleep with my mom

I'd bang the shit out of my aunt, though.

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The problem with Freud...

The problem with Freud is that none of his theories are testicle.

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Sigmund Freud sits down for tea with his mother..

Sigmund Freud is sitting down for a cup of tea with his dear mother, who has her nose in a book. She gasps, and Freud asks why. And so she responds: "why, Siggy, according to these scientists, our universe is only one of many! We live in parallel with millions of other realities where everything tha...

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It's Sigmund Freud's birthday today...

I wish him great happenis.

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What does Sigmund Freud say comes between fear and sex?

fünf

(it helps if you say it out loud, and understand German) :-)

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Sigmund Freud is talking to his buddy ...

... and the conversation turns to sex, as often happens. Freud says, "I'm thinking about taking out Carl's daughter."

"Carl's daughter?" says the buddy in disbelief. "Isn't she a little Jung?"

I wanted to take a grad level Psych class on Freud, in my sophomore year.

But the professor wouldn't let me. She said I was too Jung

what did Freud say about an algebraic equation?

What you do to one side, you must also do to your mother

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Anna Freud, asks Sigmund Freud

Anna Freud, before she became a great analyst, is in Vienna, at home with her father. The two of them are discussing psychoanalysis, when Anna turns to Freud and says "There is one thing I have always been meaning to ask that I am not sure about: What is the phallus?" Freud says "Well, this is somet...

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So I finally decided to read one of Freud's books today...

It's been shitting on my self for awhile now.

My grandpa believes he is best friends with Freud.

But I keep telling him he is just a Sigmund of his imagination.

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What happens when you give Sigmund Freud and Oedipus a bunch of cocaine?

A mother fucking awesome party.

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Do you want to hear the story on Sigmund Freud? NSFW

It takes a while but it gets to the mother fucking point.

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A Jewish joke (as told by Sigmund Freud)

One Jew says to another, “Have you taken a bath?”
The other replies: "No. Is one missing?"

From *Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious*

What happens when a shrink doesn't pay taxes?

Tax freud

What do you call a cruise liner full of psychologists?

A Freudian ship.

In response to the invitation for a rather unusual reunion of all time greats.......

\* Newton said he'd drop in.
\* Socrates said he'd think about it.
\* Ohm resisted the idea.
\* Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
\* Darwin said he'd wait to see what evolved.
\* Pierre and Marie Curie radiated enthusiasm.
\* Volta was electrified at the prospe...

What is a Freudian slip?

A Freudian slip is when someone says one thing when thinking of amother.

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What did the Japanese Psychologist name his progressive rock band?

Pink Freud

Sigmund knows he's done working

when his brain's freud

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Freudian Slip...

A guy sits in his seat on an airplane, red-faced, and turns to the guy next to him. "Oh man. I just made the worst Freudian slip. The ticket agent was really well-endowed and instead of asking her for a ticket to Pittsburg, I asked her for a picket to tittsburg. So embarrassing!"

The guy he's...

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How five Jews changed the way we see the world:

Moses: "The Law is everything"

Jesus: "Love is everything"

Marx: "Money is everything"

Freud: "Sex is everything"

Einstein: "Everything is relative"

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Freudian slip.

So this guy says to his mate that he had a Freudian slip recently. The friend hasn't heard of this before and asks him what he means. So the first guy says: "well it's when you mean to say one thing but instead you say what's on your mind- it's better if I give you an example: The other day I was...

Hollywood Halloween

Bruce Willis and Sylvester Stallone were discussing their next Halloween costumes. They wanted to get away from the typical scary characters and do something different.

Bruce: 'how about historical figures? I'll go as Freud.'

Sly: 'ok, sounds good. I'll go as Leonardo Da Vinci.'
...

Why are the best psychoanalysists Asian?

Because they grew up listening to Pink Freud.

As a child, I wanted to be a psychologist.

But my parents told me, "We're a-Freud you're too Jung for that."

What do you call a psychoanalysis game show?

Family Freud

A psychoanalyst says he thinks he is going crazy

Another psychoanalyst thinks to himself "Im aFreud he is going to commit suicide. He is too Jung to die"

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