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Scottish Accent Jokes

Fat Girls

Last night I was having some wings and beer with a coworker after work. There were these two pretty, but kinda fat girls drinking at the bar and being loud. They had what I could have sworn was a Scottish accent.

I'm a big fan of girls from the UK, so I struck up a conversation. I asked them,...

Man, speaking (in heavy Scottish accent) to policeman,

"But, officer, it said laddies on the door."

A cabby picked up 3 rather large women and was taking them downtown. As they were talking he thought he detected a Scottish accent. he asked "Are you three ladies from Scotland?"

They looked at each other silently, then one of the sneered at him and said "It's Wales, you idiot."
"Oh, excuse me. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

What do you call a Scottish Muslim with a drug problem?

Amaff Maheed.

(Said in a Scottish Accent)

The Scotsman

A Scotsman was walking down the street in his traditional Scottish attire when he saw a couple of women talking and giggling,

As he approached one of the women asked " is it true the you dont wear anything under your kilt?"

"Aye, why dont you have a peek and find out for yourself"
...

So I walked into this bar and heard two girls speaking in what sounded like a lovely Scottish accent.

I walked over and said: "So, are you two girls from Scotland?"

One of them said: "Wales Idiot!"

So I said: "Oh, I am terribly sorry about that. So, are you two whales from Scotland?"

That's the last thing I remember.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bono and u2 were performing at a gig in scotland

And as you all will know, bono is a cause celebre for all sorts of charity aid, world peace, ending hunger, heal the world etc that sort of thing. He jets around the world having concerts and all that for the benefit of others and frequently raises this at his concerts.

He begins this concert...

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three women talking in what sounded like Scottish accent. So I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three ladies from Scotland?” One of them turned red when she heard me and said, "It’s Wales you fool!” So I apologized and replied,

"I do apologise, Are you three whales from Scotland?"

credit: u/Brailledit

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Bono asked for silence at a gig in Scotland...

In the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands. Once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

From the front of the crowd, a broad Scottish accent pierced the silence: "Well fuckin' stop do...

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A Scotsman walks into a pub...

He drags himself onto a stool and orders a beer. Placing the full glass in front of him, the bartender inquires upon his sad face.

The man answers with a smoky and trembling voice and a Scottish accent:

Ah, tell ya man! This pub, this very pub we're just sitting in. I built it, with m...

A Scotsman on his deathbed

A Scotsman was close to death, and asked that his sons be brought to him before it was too late.

The oldest son went in to see him and the father said:
“Son, I’m aboot to die, and I’d like ta gi ye a little somethin’ ta remember me by”

“Well, da, ye know I’ve always wanted a tartan ...

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An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot are all sitting at a bar having a pint

Three flies drop from above and one lands in each of their drinks. The Englishman says "Gross!" and dumps his beer out. The Irishman mumbles "eh" as he picks the fly out and proceeds to drink his beer. The Scot grabs the fly from his glass and in a thick Scottish accent says "Spit it out you bastard...

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A Scottish Rugby Player Visits Harvard

A Scottish rugby player at the end of his high school career is ecstatic to find out he is being considered for a scholarship to Harvard. All he has to do is show up to visit the coach and he's sure to be a shoe-in.
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After a long flight, he finds himself on Harvard's campus, but without a cam...

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