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Heard on the Underground

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cro...

3rd times someone's charm

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a stunningly beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight black leather mini skirt with matching leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too t...

With all the NSFW jokes here lately, we could use a nice clean joke

A pharmaceutical salesman was staying at a bed and breakfast in a small town while on a business trip. The B&B was run by a kindly old gentleman and advertised three square "southern" meals a day and a relaxing country feel.

While the salesman was eating his breakfast, he noticed what app...

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Two old southern bells are having iced tea

They are reminiscing of their younger years on their wraparound porch of an 18th century plantation home.


The first lady recounts in a charming antebellum drawl: "You see these earrings? These 24k gold diamond earrings? My husband got me these on our 5th anniversary."


The seco...

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American Samurai

There once was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai. So he put up posters throughout the land saying he was searching for a new chief Samurai. But after 2 months, only 3 Samurai applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese, and a blind American. So he interviewed all three.

The emp...

A little at a time

A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs.

"Well, I'll tell you" the farmer replied. "One day I was plowing my field and the tractor turned over and pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help. He saved my life".

"Oh, that's how he los...

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy...

Gomer – who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.“Okay,” the sheriff drawled, “Gomer, what is 1 and 1?” “11” he replied.The sheriff thought to himself, “That’s not what I meant, but he’s right.”“What two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’?” “Today an...

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Why is six afraid of seven?

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they w...

A husband and wife had been arguing all-day

They passed a herd of jackasses, she drawls "relatives of yours?"

"Yes!" he says, "In-laws"

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A doctor joke

(You May only get if you understand the nature of the different medical specialties)

A surgeon, internist, radiologist, and pathologist go duck hunting for the first time.

They are huddled in the duck blind and the first bird goes flying in front of them, but they can’t clearly make o...

Alabama boy goes to Boston for an interview

He had gone to the University of Alabama on a football scholarship and maybe took a few too many hits to the helmet.

He stopped in a coffee shop before heading to the interview and saw a pretty girl sitting at a table with a few college books. He got his drink and approached her.

In a ...

A Cowboy Walks Into a Saloon, Naked . . .

. . . except for his boots.

The place goes dead silent. The cowboy orders a drink, and the bartender asks, “Boy, you know you ain’t got no clothes on?”

“Yup,” drawls the cowboy, “but it ain’t my fault.”

“Ain’t yer fault?” says another fella in disbelief. “How’d you get nekkid, t...

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A Southern Oldie But Goodie....

**Disclaimer: Must be read in a deep Southern drawl.**

A woman was standing in front of the window in the maternity wing looking at her newborn baby when another new mom walked up beside her. She pointed at a baby and said, "Is that your baby boy there?" The first woman replied, "Why, yes it ...

The Wedding Day

A man with a southern drawl and a French woman are at the altar when he starts having second thoughts. "Do you take this woman to be your wife" asks the minister. "Adieu" the man replies.

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So there’s this news reporter...

So one day, a man’s boss comes to him and tells him “John, I want you to go out and find some stories about fun things people can do in the country side.” So John packs up his gear and heads out of the city to try and find something to report on.

He drives along all day scouring the country ...

Bubba the Entrepreneur

Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store which reads:
“Suits $5.00 each!

Shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each”
Bubba says to his pal, “Billy Bob, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take ’em back to Sand Mountain, sell ‘e...

Why are Southerners so bad at managing money?

They only talk with drawls.

A taxidermist from NY walks into a bar in Alabama

He sits at the bar, orders a drink, and notices everyone in the bar staring at him, including the bartender.

"Is something wrong?" The man asks the bartender.

"We don't see many people coming in here dressed like you, where you from?" The bartender asks in a heavy southern drawl.
...

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Texas Patrol...

Two red necks are speeding through Texas. They fly by a Texas patrol officer who hits the cherries and pulls them over.
The cop approaches the driver who rolls down his window and drawls a defiant- "Whaaat?"
Without saying a word, the officer puts out his baton and whacks the guy in the face...

A rich Texan is on vacation in Ireland...

One of my oldest, one of my favorites, but I haven't seen it pop up since I've been subbed. But of course it's surely a repost. I like to put on the Texan drawl and Irish accent for this one...

After a long day of sightseeing the Irish countryside the Texan wants to relax and have a beer so...

A Texan goes to Australia for vacation...

... while there, he takes a tour with a local guide. While driving around the guide points out a large wheat field. "In Texas, we have wheat fields twice as large!" They then drive past a herd of cattle. "Our long horns are at least twice that large in Texas!" the Texan drawls. The guide is becoming...

How do southerners speak of addiction recovery?

With drawl

Tithe Joke

Three religious leaders of the community, a priest, a rabbi, and an evangelical preacher are sitting around talking about how they run their finances.

The priest says, "At the end of the week, I make a line on the floor. Then I take all of the money out of the donation box, throw it in the ai...

How does a southerner take money out of his bank account?

With drawl, of course

Space Bar and the Robot

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment then replied? "A martini please."

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the...

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A cowboy, in the old west, is drinking whiskey at local saloon.

A cowboy, in the old west, is drinking whiskey at a local saloon.

He finishes up and goes outside and finds that his horse is missing.

He swaggers back into the saloon, pulls out his gun and yells "Alright y'all, somebody stole my horse! I am going to have one more whiskey and when I a...

Obscene Caller

A woman answered a call from an unknown number.

"Hello," said the obscene caller, as he breathed heavily, "if you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action."

Listen honey," drawled the lady, "if you can hold it in one hand, I ain't interested"

It's Friday evening and a Traveling Salesman is driving home after a week on the road.

His car breaks down on a long desolate stretch of the road. It's too far to walk in either direction so he pops the hood and waits. Pretty soon a good-ol'-boy drives up in a pick-up and stops to see if the salesman needs any help. Relieved the salesman asks for a lift to the next town.

"Well,...

Two old men sitting on the porch...

Two old men sitting on a porch one morning when a dog wanders over and starts licking his balls. One looks at the other and says "Wish I could do that". The other looks back at him and says (in a long southern drawl) "That dog'll bite you"

A hippie was walking along the road ...

...when he saw a big rock by the side of the road, wobbling. Being a strong hippie, he picked up the rock to see what was underneath.
To his surprise, out jumped a leprechaun!

"To be sure, I am grateful to ye, lad!" he cried. "And in return for your kindness I will grant you three magic ...

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A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong and it breaks down.

Luckily, she happens
to be near a farmhouse.

She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the
door. When the farmer answers, she says to him,
"It's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't
know what to do! Can I stay here for the night
until tomorrow when I can get some help?"...

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Damn Tourists...

A guy's driving down in the Florida Keys. He see a little roadside stand and pulls over because he's feeling hungry. He gets out and sees a sign: "CONCH SALAD $5. GROUPER SANDWICH $10. HAND JOB $15. There's an attractive girl in a skimpy bikini standing behind the wooden counter, smiling seductively...

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A cowboy walks into a bar.

He orders a beer and sits down. As he's waiting, he pulls out a revolver without warning and fires at the fan standing in the corner. The bartender runs over, shocked. "What on earth do you think you're doing?!" he cries.

"Oh, you know," the cowboy drawls, "just shootin' the breeze."

Heard this one seems kind of old.

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the passenger lounge in the Bozeman, Montana airport, while waiting for their respective flights...One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer, another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show, and the third passenger is a funda...

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