UPJOKE
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180 Jokes

I have an IQ of 180

I took the test 3 times and added up my scores

The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”

Now I have no idea what to do, because the oven door is facing the wall.

A man went into a bar with his 180 pound Irish Wolfhound.

“Hey!” said the bartender. “You ca’t bring that animal in here!”

“Wait a minute,” said the guy. “This isn’t just a dog. He can talk!”

“Sure,” sneered the bartender. “I bet you 500 bucks he can’t!”

“Okay, you’re on!” said the man as he turned to his dog and said, “Here boy! Now t...

I had 180 people under me at my first job and I was only 14 years old.

I mowed the town cemetery.

Instructions said to preheat oven at 180 degrees

Not sure i'll try this recipe again, turning the oven upside down was a real back breaker...

You should never put anything in the oven at 180 degrees...

You are just going to drop all the food...

What kind of tree has branches with angles that all add up to 180 degrees?

A Trigonome-Tree.

I got a ticket because I did 180 on the highway

Truth be told I was only going 15 but they don’t like U-Turns

I couldn't figure out the answer to 180˚/ π on my math test.

So the girl next to me let me cheat off her.

It was rad.

I just got this crazy new car that drives 180 mph on the highway

However, the dealership and the police don’t like the car as much

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A lad was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 180mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 180, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thro...

So I was baking a premade pie and the instructions told me to put it in the oven at 180 degrees.

Now I'm left with an upside down pie in an oven.

I used to hate tractors, but I did a complete 180

Now I'm protractor.

What do you call the path of a truck turning 180 degrees?

A semi-circle.

Wherever you are, if you need a romantic evening, call 180-LONG.

It's the International Date Line.

I'm happier and healthier now that I've lost 180 pounds (81.6 kg) of ugly fat!

Thanks Divorce^TM !

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Woman is awarded $180,000 after cops spend 11 minutes searching her vagina for drugs and find nothing.

It was the most expensive fishing expedition in recorded history.

What do you call a drone that looks exactly the same when you turn it around 180°?

A palindrone

I don't get why women are complaining that Plan B doesn't work if you're over 180 lbs

If she's over 180 lbs, she's already Plan B!

Dorm Rules

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He cont...

400 passengers but only 200 meals were loaded onto a flight from Delhi to New York City (long)

It was only discovered after take off, when the flight attendants started going through their preparations for the meals. So, the airline had bungled, and the crew was in a fix. However, one smart flight attendant had an idea.

A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced, 'Ladie...

What kills people who sail through the Bermuda Triangle?

Heat exhaustion - it's 180 degrees inside of a triangle.

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Penis Study

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, Ger...

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An Asian Man Walks Up to A Bank Teller To Exchange Yen for Dollars....

The teller gives him $180.

The Asian man complains: "But yestaday, I get $200. Why less today?"

The teller shrugs and replies: "Fluctuations"

Livid, the Asian man yells "Well, fuck you Americans too!"

New study shows bodies found from the Bermuda Triangle all died from heat exhaustion...

...everyone knows its 180 degrees inside a triangle, I don't know why people even bother traveling through it.

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18000 feet

Distress at 18,000 feet.

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft.
A moment later the tower's landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone a...

Line in heaven

A woman dies and finds herself in a line to get into heaven. As she nears St Peter she hears him asking people
"Please tell me how much money you made and what you did on earth"

Two people ahead if her she heard "I made 2 million a year and I was a CEO"

The person in front of her s...

The guy who invented USB died...

At the funeral they had to do a 180 with his coffin to get it in the hole.

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A man gets pulled over for speeding

The cop says: "You were going 55 mph in a 30 zone"

The man says: "Sorry sir, but i'm late for work."

Cop asks: "What kind of work do you do?"

Man replies: "I work in a penis enlargment factory."

Cop asks: "Really? How does that work?"

Man: You just stretch out a c...

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A man gets a job at one of those sells everything superstores

The manager tells him remember you’re on commission more people you sell to the more money you make. So the end of the day the man comes up to the manager he asks him. How did you do? The man tells him I only made one sale. He said you’ve been here for eight hours. It’s very busy. How did you only m...

What is the difference between a $200 wine and a $20 wine

$180

How to make Bacon-Wrapped Duck at home:

Get yourself a duck of about 1.5 to 2kg, and two large bottles of Scottish whisky, bacon strips and a bottle of olive oil.

Put the bacon around the duck, and treat the inside with pepper and salt.

Preheat the oven for 10 minutes at 180 degrees Celcius.

Fill a large glass with wh...

Why did the mathematician spill all of his food in the oven rather than a cooking tray?

The directions said, “Put it in the oven at 180°”.

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A Japanese woman is trying to exchange Yen for Dollars at a bank

With a baffled look on her face, she angrily demands, “Yesterday, it was 180 Yen to a dollar, today it’s 200. Why is that?”
The banker responds, “Fluctuations”
The woman snaps back, “Well, fuck you white people, too!”

They say Harriet Tubman escorted 300 slaves to freedom via the Underground Railroad...

If you do the math, that's only 180 people.

Do Rumanians get upset when they get asked about Vampires?

I asked my Rumanian friend whether he ever gets upset when people ask him whether his relatives were Vampires.

He said "Of course not, That has only happened two or three times this past 180 years."

Having a huge party to celebrate making my last mortgage payment!

I still owe like $180,000, I'm just not going to pay anymore.

My girlfriend and I tried playing doctor...

She stayed over the weekend and I sent her a bill for $180,000.

There was once a college math professor

While he was on tenure, he decided to continue taking classes in other subject areas because they were offered to him at a discounted cost. After 40 years of teaching, the professor decided to retire. Over his time working, he had amassed enough credits to have completed 180 different major programs...

What do you call an angel that turned evil?

A 180° Angel

If 2020 was a math problem.

You are flying over the desert at 180 KPH, You are flying Due north with the wind coming from the west at 40 KPH. The current is flowing at 30 knots due east. How many 20 lb watermelons will fill a football field during the full moon?

If my great-great-grandfather were still alive, he’d be one of the most famous people in the world...

...because he’d be like 180 years old by now!

A Chinese man goes into a bank ...

... to exchange some Chinese yuan for American dollars. The teller finishes counting the man's currency, looks up that day's exchange rate, computes the conversion and quickly counts out the American currency in twenties, "…140, 160 and" plunking down the last bill, "makes $180. Will that be all tod...

Why are people always hotter when they're standing up?

Sitting down they're only 90 degrees, standing up they're 180.

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

Joke in description

There was a child,
His teacher asked him to learn the first four letters of the alphabet,
He asked his mom for the first and she said “shut up” because she was on the phone,
He asked his dad for the second and he said “180!” because he was playing darts,
He asked his sister for the third...

What's the point of spending $90 to be stuck in an escape room when I can go to IKEA for free

And spend $180 on furniture I didn't need

Two woman riding in an elevator in a very lavish and posh building..,,

when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, “Romance” by Ralph Lauren, at $180.Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, “Chanel No. 5...

Just got back from my psychiatrist appointment this morning.

After 10 minutes of chatting She told me I had a split personality and charged me $360.... I gave her $180 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.

A cop pulls over a car going 45 mph down the highway.

As he walks up to the drivers side window he notices that it is a little old lady driving the vehicle with her friend in the passenger seat. When the old lady rolls down her window, the cop asks why she was driving so slow. The old lady simple replied that she was going the speed limit and gestured ...

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Penis study...

I haven't seen this one in +20 years so here goes..

PENIS STUDY

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $180,000.00 The results of the study concluded that the reaso...

An old man was in his Lamborghini, driving down a highway (long joke)

He was driving 100 mph down a highway, when suddenly he saw the police chasing him. So, he starts speeding up, 140, 150, then 180.

Suddenly, he slows down and thinks, “I’m too old for this.”

He pulls over, and waits for the police officer to catch up. The officer gets out of the car, a...

A Farmer goes to town

and enters a lawyer's office. "Mr. Lawyer," he says, "I'd like to get one of them die-vorces."

"Well," replies the lawyer, "do you have any grounds?"

"Yessir, 'bout 180 acres out near the county line."

"No, what I meant was, do you have a case?"

"Naw, but I do have a John...

My Irish friend Paddy just told me that he robbed a shop last night.

"What did you get?" I asked.

"26 pictures," he smiled, showing me. "The cheapest one is worth over $180,000."

I said, "Dude, these are from an real estate agents."

A french, an english and a german general are talking about submarine technology

The French general tells them their submarines can stay underwater for three days.

The British says theirs can stay submerged for 180 days

Suddenly a submarine comes up. A man comes out and shouts: "SIEG HEIL. Wir brauchen Sprit!"

The old man speeding

An old age pensioner drove his brand new BMW up to 120 kmph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Garda Car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 160, ... then 180 ... Suddenly he thought,

" I'm too old for this nonsense !! "

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited...

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One day a new stage play was released that was supposed to be the #1 comedy of the year.

Unfortunately from the get go it had poor reviews frequently stating that it just wasn't that funny. The writer of the script was at a loss and was getting ready to cancel the show when his friend called.

He told him he had just watched the show and true to the reviews it was pretty terrible...

Paddy met Angus in a pub

Over their pints, Angus leaned in and said “does ye know what I did last night, eh?”

Paddy had no idea, and Angus said “I’m a very rich man. I robbed a shop full of expensive pictures!”

Paddy was impressed. He said to Angus “wow, that’s astonishing! When you sell ‘em, give me some mone...

The Club of People That Made Things That Plug Into Computers

There is a prestigious and hard-to-get-into club of people who invented things that plug into computers, like the USB, HDMI, ethernet and so on. This club meets regularly but then, after a few years, the inventor of the USB died. It was a very sad time, but they held a beautiful funeral service for ...

A young boy gets his first homework...

A young boy attends his first day in first grade, and is set his first piece of homework. His teacher asks him to find out the alphabet. Eager to please, he goes home that day and starts by asking his mother. He asks "mom, what's the first letter of the alphabet?". His mom is busy with housework, so...

Einstein dies and goes to heaven

He is informed upon arrival that his room is not yet ready.

"I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it is the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others," the doorman, Clyde, tells him. Einstein says that is perfectly fine and there isn't a...

Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, Werner Heisenberg, Georg Ohm, Galileo Galilei, Max Planck, and Louis de Broglie were carpooling to work...

...when they got pulled over for speeding. However, when the police officer tried to ask them how fast they were going, he couldn't get a straight answer, and the group was so rowdy that they had to be brought in for questioning.

So all 7 of them are taken to the police station, and individua...

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Cakepilation

For my cake day I'm going to repost everything I can think of that fits into the category of cake-related jokes! You've heard them all anyway, who cares?



What did the cake say to the fork? You wanna piece of me?

What do you eat if you 3.142 cakes? You get fat. Pay attention, ...

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Johnny Hated Math....

...his grades were terrible and he had stopped trying. Johnny's attitude in school was obnoxious, and his parents didn't know what to do.

Finally, they decided to enroll Johnny in the local Catholic school, even though they're not religious people and have never stepped foot in a church.
...

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The Old Lady Who Makes Bets

A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America one day, carrying a large bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because "It's a lot of money!"



The receptionist objected, stating, "You can't just wa...

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A Black Soldier vs. An Indian

Some black soldiers and an Indian tribe are in a war. A black solider has dug in and is on the front line in a foxhole. The Indian is out patrolling to make contact with the enemy. The two soldiers come across one another and hold their ground. There's obviously an inability to verbally communic...

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...and that's how the fight started

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

___...

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An owl flew into a Kebab place and started dancing.

The customers were amazed and started taking videos.

Every day, it returned, and soon the owl became a tourist attraction.

Visitors from different continents came to see the owl, while the Kebab place prospered.

One day, the owner, a man named John Spon, decided to lock up the o...

My rich cousin's hummer-porschaghini (Long)

So I have this cousin who is absolutely loaded and he had this idea he would pay the best mechanic around to build him custom car.

He wanted the body of a Lamborghini, with the engine of a Porsche, and all the amazing features of an original hummer. He decided to call it the Hummer-porschagh...

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