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Zee Jokes

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My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

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The pickup line of Cecil the cavalier

Cecil is a young British aristocrat who loves horse-riding but is terribly shy.

On his daily trot around Hyde Park, he frequently sees a beautiful girl riding a jet-black Morgan horse but can’t pluck up the courage to approach her.

One evening he’s having a beer with his friend Charles...

One day Junior brings his Grandfather to school to share his stories as a Franco-American fighter pilot during WW2

His stories are wonderfully delightful and told with a thick French accent, while gesturing wildly using his hands to describe the movement of the airplanes.

“Zee fawkers fly like zees. Zen I fly like zees. Then zee fawkers fly back like zees, zen I pull up like zees. I shoots zee fawkers ri...

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A man on a business trip in Spain decides to take in a bull fight

After the event, he stops in to the little restaurant next to the venue called "The Matador". As he checks out the menu trying to decide what he wants, he sees a waiter bring a dish to another customer.

The other customer starts eating what appear to be two large meatballs with great gu...

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Three guys are forced to sleep in the same king sized bed

Three guy friends go on vacation and when they arrive at their hotel, they find that only one room is available (which happens to ONLY have one king sized bed.) After much reluctance, they agree to all sleep in the same bed

The next morning during breakfast, the guy who slept on the left say...

What do Germans call the new samsung phone?

Zee flip.

Two German explorers

Two German explorers were making their way east across New York when they came to a wide river.

Karl: How vill vee get across dee large body of vater?

The other explorer sees a large, steel object north of them.

Heinrich: Look der es und structure dat vee can use to cross
<...

What do you call a monkey that's a fan of The Office?

A Jim-Pam-zee.

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Gestapo.

Gestapo who?

VE VILL ASK ZEE QUESTIONS!

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I ran into Hitler!!!

I was surprised to see him and asked him what he was up to? He said "This time I am going to kill 6 million Jews and two clowns!"
"Two Clowns? Why are you going to kill two clowns?"
"See? Nobody cares about zee Jews."

Guy gets a job as a spy...

He's sent on his first mission, and told that the secret passphrase he has to give to contacts is, "The night-bird flies at dawn."

He's instructed to go to London, head to Piccadilly Circus, and speak to a guy in a purple fedora, busking. So he flies to London, goes to Piccadilly Circus, fin...

Hans, how was your first day at the Coast Guard Station?

Not so good... Very boring it was. Very quiet, most of zee day, but zen... a british guy said he was sinking.

He was sinking?

Yes, so I asked him about what he was sinking, and he never replied. How rude!

Kosher Deli

A man walks into a Kosher Deli in New York City and steps up to the counter.

"I would like zee bagel und lox please." He says in a heavy German accent.

The man pays, sits down with his food, and is clearly enjoying it. When he's done he walks up to the counter again and says, "Zat vas...

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A couple finds a genie lamp in a house

A couple is playing golf in a residential neighborhood and the husband accidentally sends a ball flying into a window. They feel bad so they go in to apologize

They go in and see a mysterious man and ask "are you okay?"
"Thank you for freeing me from my lamp, in return I shall grant you t...

A Black guy and an Asian guy are standing next to a pond.

A Black guy and an Asian guy are standing next to a pond. The Asian guy says, "This pond is Magical, if you skip a stone across it, you will hear the names of your ancestors." So the Asian guy picks up a stone and skips it, the stone makes a sound with each splash, "CHING-CHANG-CHONG." The black guy...

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals.

The chief cannibal comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, put you in a pot, cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take zee sword."
...

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A plane is about to go down...

While airborne, a plane crew discovers that their plane is carrying too much cargo and is at the risk of going down. The captain makes an announcement

"Unfortunately, due to a few miscalculations, our plane is carrying too much weight and therefore, we have no choice but to let some people o...

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In 1859, there was this German Chemist living in London, England.

One day he received a new batch of experimental powder from Columbia. Curious to find out what the substance was, he opened the package and it erupted in a puff of powder. After inhaling half the cloud the Chemist felt vibrant, energised and happy.

“I hast not seen ziss beefore”, thought t...

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