Lawyer: Your honour, what if my client is guilty?

Cruella: WTF? You are supposed to defend me!

Lawyer: Relax. I’m playing de Vil’s advocate.

Your honour, i'm not a robot

How could i possibly be charged with battery?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[In court] Me: Your honour, I was having sex between the hours of 10 and 11 on that day.

Judge: Who the hell are you? You are not even in this trial.

Me: I just wanted to get it on the record.

A drunkard was brought to court for dunkenis behavior

The Judge addressed the drunkard, "You have been brought here for drinking."

Drunkard, "Thank you very much your honour. Let's start."

All, present in the court, burst out laughing.

Banging the gavel, the Judge said, "Order."

Drunkard, "For me Whiskey with Soda please."

I'm fine..

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor?
Paddy responded: 'Well,...

The judge said "You really want the jury to believe.....

that you committed this crime because a pack of black and white, wild animals threatened to kill you if you didn't?"

"Yes, your honour", I said............ "I was badgered into it."

Edit : changed one word.

I was in court today and there was a lady with her husband

The lady was getting trialed for theft, so the judge asked her what she had stolen.

The lady responds "I stole a can of peaches your honour", and after a few moments after thinking about this, the judge asked her how many peaches had been in that can.

Hesitantly, the lady tells him t...

[In a courtroom] Judge: Did you feel guilty at the time?

Accused: No I didn’t, your honour.

Guilty: Yes he did, your honour. That’s why I pressed charges against him.

Judge to carpenter: "You were arrested during a drugs bust in a gambling den. What were you doing there?"

"Making a bolt for the door, your honour."

According to Scientists atom’s are as old the universe

So therefore your honour she was legal

I took the day off work and decided to go out golfing.

I was on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green. I didn't think anything of it and was about to shoot when the frog says "Ribbit. 9- Iron".

I looked around and didn't see anyone.

"Ribbit. 9-Iron."

I looked at the frog and it just stared back at me. So...

The lucky frog

I was playing golf, and even though I am usually a pretty good player, I was playing horribly that day. As I was about to tee off at the fourth hole I heard a voice say, three wood. I looked around and no one was behind me so I took my stance. Then once again I heard ..three wood. I looked down and ...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, she had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 2...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie.

Mickey (stunned): Why not?

Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but i can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy.

Mickey (exasperated): Your honour! I didn't say she was crazy...

...I said she was fucking Goofy!

Obama, Oprah, Trump and a little girl are on a plane. The engines fail...

... the pilots have already parachuted out the plane. The four mentioned are the only ones remaining on the plane. But there are only three parachutes.

Oprah quickly steps forward and says to the little girl; "I'm taking a parachute. I'll build a school for girls in your honour, it'll benefi...

There are dedicated detectives who investigate especially heinous crimes as members of an elite squad known as the SVU. This is one of their less successful stories...

In a stake-out operation at a local bar, an undercover SVU officer was approached by Eva, an exotic dancer, who offered him a private lap dance in the back room. Within seconds, before starting her routine, she was arrested and charged with solicitation.

Later at trial, her defence lawyer i...

A woman in court for stealing a tin of peaches....

The judge asked her "how many peaches were there in the tin that you stole"?

She replied "four, your honour".

The judge said I am going to send you to prison for four month's for every peach, take her down.

Then her husband in the public gallery shouted "she stole a tin of pe...

Why do you want divorce?

Judge: Why do you want divorce?

Petitioner: My wife asks me to peel off garlic, cut onions, wash utensils.

Judge: What's the problem in this? Just warm up the Garlic, it will be easy to peel it. Before cutting Onions just chill them in the refrigerator and then while cutting them the ...

I asked a guy if he could do an imitation of a pheasant.

He said, "Sure, I'm game!"

And that, Your Honour, is why I shot him.

Credit to u/Bradders_Extreme123 .

Judge: I hereby send you to prison for 20 years.

Me: Your Honour couldn't you consider shortening the sentence.
Judge: I send you to prison for 20 years.

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I ran into the back of a car today.

A gorgeous leggy blond got out and said "Ram me up the arse, why don't you?"

And that, Your Honour, is where the confusion began....

A man and his ex-wife are negotiating child custody

The judge first asks the ex-wife to give him a reason why she should get the child.
**"Your honour, naturally, since I had to go through excruciating pain to bring this child into the world, I should get to keep the child."**
The judge is almost convinced but has to see the man's side firs...

A bar walked into a man.

That's my story your honour, and I'm sticking to it.

An accused criminal is brought before a judge...

The judge says, "You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?"

"Not guilty, your honour."

"Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down.

"Do you accept payment in gold?"

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"

the divorce court judge said, " and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week. ". "That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself. "

A Well-Argued Court Case

The beauty of a language and the art of constructing the words of the language significantly lead to their meaning. This is not a case of twisting, but of the refined manner of presentation by witty minds. A good case for reference.

One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were...

A cannibal is on trial, and with insurmountable evidence against him he stands and delivers his final argument.

Your honour, I’m not a cannibal, I’m a humanitarian!

The judge looked disapprovingly at the defendant

"How could you defraud the people who trusted you?"
"Your honour, how would I be able to defraud people who didn't trust me?"

3 men are arrested at a public pool, and go to court

The first man steps up to the defendant's stand, and the judge says to him: "State your name and crime."

So the first man says: "my name is Billy your honour, and I was just blowing bubbles in the pool."

So the judge says "well Billy, that is a bit weird, but perfectly legal. You're fr...

A man got parking ticket

A man was charged in court for parking his car on the wrong side of the road. 
Judge: Why did you park your car in a no parking area? 
Man: Your honour, the sign read, Fine for Parking. So I thought it was fine to park my car there!

A divorced couple standing in court over a child custody, the mother makes her claim and says: "I had him in my womb for 9 months, so he is mine"

The judge turns to the father and asks: "and what is your claim?"
The man, smiling, says calmly: "Your honour, when I put a coin in the vending machine, the coke that comes out is mine or the machine's?"

“We’re rotating on the earths axis at 750 mph and revolving around the Sun at 67,000 mph, moreover we’re moving, in relation to other galaxies, at 490,000 mph...”

“So my question is Your Honour, in the strictest meaning of the word ‘speeding’, are we not all in a sense ‘guilty’ ? “.

Asked my mum what she’d like for her birthday.

“I wanna Dyson.” She said excitedly.


So that's why is smothered her with a pillow, your honour

Three boys are bragging about their dads

The first kid says: "My father is a cop. When people talk to him, they have to call him 'officer'."

The second kid: "I can do better. My father is a judge, and when people see him, they have to say 'Your honour'."

The third kid: "That's nothing! My father is immensely fat, and when peo...

A man is sitting in the dock at court.

The judge asks the man for his occupation.
"I'm a locksmith, your honour", the defendant replies.
"And what were you doing at the jewellers at three in the morning when police arrived at the scene", the judge inquires.
"I was making a bolt for the door".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dog called sex

Usually, anyone who owns a dog calls him Rover or Spotor some such name. I called mine Sex and it got me into constant trouble.


One day when he was young, I took Sex for a walk and he slipped out of his collar and ran away. I spent hours looking for him. A policeman came along and asked m...

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A Man In Court

A man has just been found guilty by the jury. The judge asks him "do you have anything to say before I pass sentence?"

"Fuck all," says the defendant.

The judge asks his defence council "what did he say?"

"He said 'fuck all' your honour."

The judge replies "are you sure, ...

'You seem to be visibly distressed,' said the judge to the witness.

'Is anything the matter?'

"Well, your Honour," said the witness, "I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects."

A man is at court

A man is at court when he asks the judge,' Your honour, what would you do if I called you a stupid, degenerate old fool?'

The judge replies,'I'll fine you and prevent you from ever taking a trial in front of me ever again.'

The man then asks,' What if I only thought it?'

The jud...

Judge: Well, we have 10 witnesses who saw you steal.

Prisoner: Maybe, your Honour, but I can give u 20 witnesses who did not see me steal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a little car accident

On the way home from work, I had a little car accident, I braked hard, but still hit the car in front of me. A cute blond got out and shouted "Ram me up the arse why don't you"?.

This, your Honour, is where the confusion began.....

A woman stood in court accused of attacking her musician husband with his own guitars.

The judge looked down from his elevated position and asked "First Offender?"

The accused replied "No your honour, first a Gibson then a Fender".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mickey and Minnie Mouse are at the divorce courts.

Judge: Now Mickey, in your statement you said that you wish to divorce Minnie because of her dental condition. Well I'm sorry but the state of her teeth is not considered suitable grounds for divorce.

Mickey: No, no your honour, you misunderstand, what I actually said was she is fucking Goofy...

The Frog and the Preist

One day, a priest was walking through a forest, when he came upon a pond. On the pond was a lily-pad, and on the lily-pad was the saddest frog the priest had ever seen! "Dear frog," the priest asked, "what is the matter? Why are you so sad?"

"Well," said the frog, "I was not always a frog." "...

*A man is trying to prove his innocence in court*

Defendant: "Please your honour, I don't have a single bad bone in my body"

Prosecutor: "Well according to your medical exam it appears you have osteoporosis"

Judge: "Guilty"

The custody battle

A Man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get
custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said: "Your Honour!I carried the child for
nine months and brought the child into the world with pain and labour.She should be in my
custody". The judge turns to...

He raised a pretty good question, actually.

A man and his soon-to-be ex wife were fighting in court over the custody of their young girl. Asked by the judge to present an argument in his favor, the man says: "Well, your Honour, if you slide a coin into a vending machine and a snack comes out, is the snack yours, or the machine's?"

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