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Your Body Jokes

Doctor: sorry sir but your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

When you die, the last part of your body to stop working are your pupils.

They dilate.

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What's the most sensitive part of your body when you masturbate?

Your ears.

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Dear Women,When a guy calls you hot,he's looking at your body,When a guy calls you pretty,he's looking at your face, When a guy calls you Beautiful,he's looking at your heart

All 3 guys still want to fuck you,though

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said "I think it's your hands.” "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.” “What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and...

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

What part of your body shouldn't move while dancing?

Your bowels!

What is the most sensitive part of your body while pleasuring yourself?

Your ear listening for foot steps.

If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body. If he says you're pretty, he's looking at your face...

If he says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother

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Your body parts are arguing about who should be in charge.

One day the different parts of the body were having an
argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most
important and I should be in charge."

The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you
know where we are, so I'm the m...

Your body is a lot like your car

You shouldn't let just anybody put stuff in your trunk.

How your body reacts to a previously known microorganism?

It microwaves.

Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?

Because they are well organized

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Penis is the most loyal part of your body

And when times are hard, it stands up for you

The brain is the most important organ in your body

\- *According to the brain*

Mummy, what are those scratch marks all over your body?

Santa claws, darling.

The most reliable part of your body are the fingers.

You can always count on them.

Doctor: I'm afraid your body is suffering from a magnesium problem

Patient. 0MG!

Is your body from McDonald's?

Man: "Is your body from McDonald's?"

Woman: "Why, because your loving it?"

Man: “No, because its fat and greasy.”

If you get cold enough, your body will eventually stop functioning and you will die.

However, when you reach the coldest temperature possible, you’ll be 0K again.

What is the hardest metal on your body?

Tongueskin.

If your body was the size of the Atlantic ocean, your red blood cells would be the size of the Titanic

Let that sink in

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After returning home from the Vietnam war, a general stands before three of his soldiers.

He says, “For your bravery and dedication, you will be greatly rewarded. This is what we’re going to do: choose any length of your body to be measured, and I will give you as many million dollars as feet the part you chose is long.”

The first soldier spreads his arms as much as he can and ask...

Hey, imagine if there was something you could put in your body that could let you see a whole new layer of existence and change your perception of reality?

Bro, that would be dope.

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Which is the most sensitive part of your body when you're jerking off?



Ears. You need to know whether your mom is cumming or not.

I am from Taiwan. I am not good at English spelling but I tried my best.

You know that tingly sensation you get when you like somebody?

That's common sense leaving your body.

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Which organ in your body is in charge?

A long time ago, all the organs in a human body got into an argument, as to who should be in charge of the body, who is the most necessary one.

The brain said "I am obviously the one! I make all the decisions!"
The stomach replied "Well I feed the entire body! That is the most important ...

A man goes running into a clinic shouting and screaming in pain. “Please doctor! You’ve got to help me! I’ve been stung by a bee!” The doctor says reassuringly, "Don’t worry, I’ll put some cream on it.”

“You’ll never find that bee. It must be miles away by now.”

“No, you don’t understand.” answers the doctor. “I’ll put some cream on the place you were stung.”

“Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house.”

“No, no, no!” says the doctor getting frustrated. “I mean, where on...

What happens to your body when you sneeze and fart simultaneously?

It takes a screenshot.

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Young Virgin Couple

A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it.

Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.

"Pop, what do I do first?"

"Get naked and climb into bed," his father...

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The average speed of ejaculate leaving your body is 45 km/hr.

So *that's* why I got arrested in that school zone!

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Steve dates a girl for the first time

Unfortunately, he doesn't know anything about sex, so he fears that it could get serious

Desperate he asks his friend Tom, a real Casanova, for some tips

Tom thinks for a little bit and says:
"Alright, if you want to please a girl, its all about movement. Let's do an exercise!"
<...

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Your body is like a shitty gift.

You didn’t want it and it breaks before you’re done with it.

Addiction has drastic affects on your body.

I used to be addicted to washing powder. I'm clean now.

I've developed a new method of excercise that strengthens your fetishes rather than your body.

It's good in concept, but I haven't worked out there kinks yet.

If your body temperature decreased to -273 C°...

...you will still be 0K.

Contrary to your body not feeling good while you are sick, your nose must feel the best ever.

Because it keeps on running.

What Do You Get When You Insert Woody And Buzz Into Any Opening In Your Body?

"You've Got A Friend In Me"

Your body is your temple is a really terrible proverb to promote chastity.

Literally anyone can come inside a temple.

If you took all of the blood vessels in your body and laid them end to end across a football field

you would die.

The best way to die is too cut off the left side of your body

Because even though you will have nothing left, you will be all right

Fun Fact: If you were to take out all the organs in your body and stretch them out

You'd die.

My friend claims yoga is the best possible thing you can do for your body.

Seems like a bit of a stretch.

What do you call it when your body is fighting off an illness?

The Cold War.

They say your body is a temple, and mine is the Temple of Aphrodite...

Destroyed and in ruins

What to use if you want to count the amount of meth grams in your body?

Methmatics

If you cool your body down to -273,16 degrees celsius..

..you'd be 0K

What's a mass in your body that is really helpful?

A cyst!

An old man is dying..

His grandson asks him, "papa.. What will happen to your body when you die?" the grandfather looks up weakly at him and says, "I decay...". Just then his monitor flat lines and the boy sat wondering why his grandfather didnt know what would happen to his corpse.

Did you know If you laid out all your veins and arteries next to your body side by side

You'd be dead

If you die while making food in a slow cooker, whoever finds your body will have a nice warm meal waiting for them

They can also eat whatever is in the slow cooker too

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