A few years ago I started a journal of different rocks I've found in the wilderness. For a while I was stuck with 68 entries, until I finally found number 69...

**Gneiss!**

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Imagine a wilderness scene, a flowing river and critters running around There is a fly, buzzing above the river, but what he don’t know is that there is a fish watching him, thinking “That fly is gonna drop 6 in. And I’m gonna jump up and get em, and have myself a good meal”

But the fish don’t know that there is a bear watching him thinking

“That fly is gonna drop 6 in. Fish is gonna eat the fly, I’m gonna get the fish, and have myself a good meal”

But the bear don’t know that there is a hunter watching him, eating a sandwich, and the hunter thinks

...

A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide.

On the third day, the hikers noticed that they had been travelling in circles.

"We're lost!" One of the men complained. "I thought you said you were the best guide in the United States."

"I am," the guide answered, "but I think we may have wandered into Canada

Robin Hood's Successor

It had been many years since Robin Hood began his quest of "stealing from the rich and giving to the poor". By now he was growing old and tired, and wanted to find someone who could carry on his legacy and lead a new band of Merry Men.

He searched through many villages for someone he could de...

Any out-of-work wilderness guides out there with cringeworthy jokes? As a river guide, I always liked:

“This is the only place you can find these particular rocks in the whole world!” and “Look, you can see a planet, right now!”

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite...

What should you do if you run out of toilet paper in the wilderness?

Take a leaf out of Bear Grylls’ book.

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A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost.

It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could

forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines

covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings i...

Two of my mom's sisters moved to the Alaskan wilderness

Now it's a double aunt tundra

What did Gene Wilder name his drug smuggling operation?

Charlie Up The Chocolate Factory

What will Gene Wilder's last will and testament will say?

YOU GET NOTHING!

Yeah I'm going to hell.

A park ranger finds a man in the wilderness eating a bald eagle.

The man is arrested and brought to trial for killing a protected bird.

He pleads with the judge, "Your honor, I was lost in the wilderness for three days without food, and the eagle attacked me. I fought back in self-defense, and I ate it because I was starving."

The judge listens to t...

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When I was a boy, Gene Wilder touched me

With his acting as Willy Wonka.

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Odin and Thor were walking through a canyon with a large group of warriors when Odin stopped Thor and signaled him to be quiet and listen.

After a moment, Odin shouted into the wilderness, “IS THAT YOU, VAL?”

Thor stood waiting and listenin, then whispered, “All-Father, I didn’t hear anything.”

Odin replied, “I thought I heard Val holla.”

Thor listened again. “What did Val say?”

Odin replied, “It was just...

I wish Gene Wilder was still alive today...

He'd probably be ecstatic knowing one of his oompa loompa's grew up to be president :')

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Two knights had known each other for several years and were very good friends.

The first knight had a very intelligent, fast and strong horse, capable of understanding human language, outspeeding landslides and staying in battle longer than anyother animal.
The second knight asked himself whether the first one would give him the horse but, instead of asking, he kept thinkin...

A man is driving in the the remote wilderness of central Iceland

when his car broke down. After trying in vain to restart it, he got out, opened the hood and started tinkering with the engine. He was about to give up hope when he heard a voice behind him.

"That'll be your alternator. You've got an uneven air gap between rotor and stator and it's causing it...

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Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.

As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out.


"Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what ki...

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A man spends his life working and living in New York and retires to the remote wilderness of Alaska...

His house is in the middle of nowhere. He had been living there for months and getting lonely when one day he was out on his property and a man came out of the woods...

"Hello there!" called the man, "Hows it going? You must be new to these parts."

"Yes I am" replied the retiree. "Do y...

Help! I'm trapped in the wilderness and all my supplies are

[depleted]

A group of Hell's Angel's were riding along...

Last week, a group of Hell's Angel's bikers were riding along when they saw a girl about to jump off a railway Bridge.
They stopped.
Blaze Wilder, the top biker was a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the police and he says, "Hey Baby, whatcha...

A cowboy and his horse are wandering through the wilderness...

...when they're suddenly amushed by Indians. They tie his hands and feet together and lead him back to their camp. Upon arriving, the chief says to the cowboy that he is now their prisoner but is free to wander the camp as he chooses. BUT, if he should attempt to escape, he will be killed. That even...

A white man visits a rural tribe in Africa

A white man wants to take the trip of a lifetime, and decides on a trip to Africa. He is in a go nowhere job, with no friends or family, and is feeling down. He quits his job and decides to travel to a remote area, far from civilization. He does not like the touristy vibe that some places give off, ...

Snakebite

Two buddies were riding their horses through the wilderness when they stopped by a creek to fill their canteens. While Joe crouched down, Clyde went downstream to take a leak.
"Tarantion!" Clyde shouted, "that there rattler done bit me on the weener!"
Joe shot the snake dead and told Clyde...

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One day Gary went into the local tattoo parlor with a somewhat odd request.

He had this great new girlfriend named Wendy , he explained , and while their sex life was dynamite , he was sure it would be even better if he had her name tattooed on his prick . The tattoo artist did her best to dissuade him , pointing out that it would be very painful and that most of the time t...

Why are answers on Quora so long?

An interesting question. Before coming to answer it, let us look at the basic presupposition which underlines this, and indeed all questions, in that there must or should be a single, concise and unitary answer to any given query.

Johnson and McCabe in their seminal work "Revealed: the Art of...

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New Harley-Davidson

A young man has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson
One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike, the dealer asks if he would like some extra chrome protection added to the bill. The young man is upset because he does not ha...

Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they won’t be identified as clergy.

They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon hit the beach. They notice a gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini.

"Good afternoon, Fathers," she says as she strolls by.

The men are stunned. How does she know they’re clergy? Later they buy even wilder attire: surfer shorts, tie-dyed T-shirt...

A village is being terrorized by a man eating tiger.

All the villagers' efforts to catch this tiger have been in vain. They call an acclaimed hunter "One shot Bob" who is so named because rumor has it that he can disable or kill any animal with just one shot.

So the hunter arrives, all smug and self assured. He prepares for the hunt and perch...

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A guy moves to Alaska to get away from it all.....

After 6 months of isolation, he is starting to get lonely. On Dec 26th, there is a knock of the door for the first time. He opens the door to find a large middle aged man with a big beard and plaid shirt.

"I'm your neighbor from 11 miles down the road. I'm having a New Years Eve party and ...

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A joke meant to be told to someone you wanna make love to... 10% success rate.

A curious rabbit escaped from the zoo and into wilderness... It went HOP HOP HOP until it spotted a cow.

Rabbit: What are you?
Cow: Do you really wanna know?
Rabbit: Yes!
Cow: Let's have sex first.
--love making--
Cow: I'm a cow.

So it went HOP HOP HOP again until it spo...

The pope is travelling through Canada...

...watching the wonderful landscape flying by as his chauffeur drives him across the seemingly endless roads through the wilderness.
Eventually though, he grows bored and asks his chauffeur if he can drive for a bit.
"Listen", the pope says, "I'll drive for an hour, nobody will see. You can ...

I was at a party once.

As it got wilder, I must have lost my watch somewhere. Later, I saw some guy stepping on it while harassing some woman at the party. Infuriated, I immediately went over and punched him in the face.

No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

The one with a big hole and an anvil

So there were two hunters walking in the wilderness when one spots a giant hole.

"Holy guacamole, look out for that hole!" he says to the other hunter.

Noticing it, the second hunter has an idea. "I wonder how deep it is." he says, picking up a rusty anvil sitting on the ground and dro...

The wise hermit

A traveler made a long, arduous journey to find a hermit who was reputed to be wise.  After searching the wilderness for many weeks, he finally found the old man in his hideaway.  "Tell me about life," said the traveler.  "Well," said the hermit, "life is like a fish."

The traveler thought on...

Success

A guy finds a strange cave entrance in the wilderness. Because curiousity's only hazardous to cats he walks in.

He sees a gorgeous woman inside. The woman lets her single-piece dress fall and says: "Take me or climb higher to success" pointing at the stairs carved from the stone behind her....

What you see, Kemo Sabe?

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What ...

VENTRILOQUIST COWBOY

A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin alright"
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is th...

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A man moves to Alaska...

He was offered a new job on a remote site in the cold wilderness. After a few weeks he is getting pretty bored and ask one of his coworkers was there anything to do for fun there for which he replied, "meet me after work I'll show you how we get our kicks here"
He meets him in a cold barren ice...

Three friends decide to go on a hiking trip...

But they get lost in the wilderness and wander around for hours.

They stumble upon some strange tracks in the forest. The first friend says,

"These are moose tracks!" The second friend says, "No, these are clearly bear tracks!"

The third friend however did not get a chance to...

A man got lost on a camping trip

A man got lost on a camping trip. Rescuers scoured the wilderness until a medical emergency team finally spotted a solitary figure across a wide chasm.

“Charlie Smith,” someone shouted, “is that you?”

“Yes, it is,” came the reply. “Who are you?”

“We're from the Red Cross.” ...

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The traveling salesman and the farmer's wife

Now Jim was traveling the back woods of Iowa, looking for someone needing a vacuum. Now late that afternoon, as is want to happen, his car broke down, leaving him stranded. Now, luckily Farmer Jones came along on his old John Deere, and Jim explained what had happened. Of course they both realize...

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A guy takes his girlfriend fishing with him out on the lake.

She talks too much and scares away the fish.
He takes his girlfriend hunting with him out in the woods.
She talks too much and scares away the deer.
He takes his girlfriend quail hunting with him out in a field.
She talks too much and scares away the quail.
He takes his girl...

Moose Hunt

Two Moose hunters named Stosh and Thad hired a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose.

The hunters objected, ...

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Chinese Punishments

So this explorer is out in the Chinese wilderness, and he lost, tired and hungry. He comes across a rather large house with multiple stories. Relieved he goes up and knocks on the door. An old chinese master opens it up.

"Please," said the explorer, "Can I have food and shelter for the night...

Bob and Jim go hunting.

After spending several hours wandering through the woods, they become thoroughly lost in the wilderness. Disoriented, they sit down to discuss what to do next.

"Hey, I have and idea," says Bob. "If we each fire three shots into the air, someone will hear them and come to help us." So each ...

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So a city boy moves to the country.

Bob always hated his big city life, so one day he sold all his possessions and moved to the countryside.

Proud of the new land he purchased he felt like exploring one day, so he got on his horse and follow the old barbed wire fence til he spotted a man

"Hey there! how's it going? I'm B...

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A hermit, a clown, and a witty comeback...

FULL DISCLOSURE: This is a shaggy dog story...

An old hermit has been living alone in the wilderness for many, many years. He decides that it is finally time to rejoin society. He sees in the local paper that the circus is coming to a nearby town and decides that a circus would be a wonderful...

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My friend works at NASA developing robotic exploration vehicles...

A few years back he was intensely busy with a major project involving a multi-million-dollar remote-controlled rover, often sleeping at the lab and coming home only once every 3-4 days to shower, change clothes, and feed his cats. One of his cats got sick at that time, but he didn't even have time t...

The Baker

A Baker specializing in making Rye bread is disheartened. He works long hours and while his wages are decent, they are nothing special. He wants to strike it rich and make something of himself.

He hears that a lot of money can be make for trapping in the Canadian wilderness so he sells his ba...

Alaskan Bear Hunting Trip

A man saves up his money all Summer to go on an Alaskan bear hunting trip. He gets out into the wilderness and tracks through the underbrush for hours when he finally spots a little black bear. He gets that bear in his sights and BANG shoots him dead!

At just that moment he feels a tap on his...

Magic slide

Three friends - two men and a blonde woman - are exploring the African wilderness.

They come across a mystical looking place with a really long slide. The slide has a sign next to it that reads, "Welcome travellers to the slide of dreams. Take a ride! As you get to the bottom of the slide sho...

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Three guys get shipwrecked on an uncharted island...

Three guys get shipwrecked on an uncharted island and wake up in the captivity of an ugly troll. The troll tells each of them that they must go out into the wilderness and bring back 5 fruits of any kind. So the men agreed to the challenge and set off to find their fruits.

The first guy comes...

Nate the Snake

Once there were two friends named John and Bob. John and Bob were going to California to spend some time at the beach. As they were driving through the desert their car hit a sand dune and flipped. Bob was killed instantly, and John barely made it out alive. Since Bob and John had not planned for a ...

Gene Therapy

The act of watching Gene Wilder films to cope with the loss of Gene Wilder.

This is the place for wordplay, right?

It's the year 1987...

Last year the space station Mir appeared to be launched into orbit. The key word being appeared. The space station is actually just a hologram designed to fool the United States! Right here on Earth exists a tiny scale replica, containing tiny versions of every item that would go up in a real shuttl...

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Most painful experiences

Three men are in the wilderness around a campfire sharing their most painful experiences.
The first man says "I fell off of a 12 foot ladder, broke both my legs, and was hospitalized for 8 weeks"
The second man says "I was crossing the street and a car ran me over, but I got caught on it and ...

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A man who has been in the police force for 30 years

A man who has been in the police force for 30 years decides to retire. He is tired of seeing the worst of society and moves out into the wilderness, 20 miles away from the closest other human life. The only interaction with the world he has is the boy who brings him his paper and groceries twice a m...

Hunting overload!

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting.


They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls.

The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk, But the p...

Attorney General

The attorney general decides to hold a contest to see which organization is the best at policing. SO he gets the FBI, the CIA, and the LAPD together, and tells them "I've released a rabbit into the wilderness, find it, and bring it to me." So the FBI goes in, and two hours later, they come out, and ...

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The story of the Fukawi Indian Tribe

Our tribe has rich and long-standing history. Long time ago, our tribe wander the wilderness. For many years, we wander looking for land to call our own. Our chief led our people through mountains, valleys, seashores and plains.

People were born wandering. People died wandering. After an ent...

Waiting For Buffalo

Two early British explorers are navigating their way through the harsh Canadian wilderness with their trusty sidekick Two Bears. To scout for danger, Two Bears would occasionally stop and put his ear to the ground to check if Buffalo were nearby.

It had been weeks, and there were no buffalo ...

You think das ist a long time?

Obama, Putin and Merkel meet in Hamburg for a private summit, and Merkel decides to break the ice with a nice walk around the lake (Alster).


Obama, admiring the foliage, says "you know, in the States, we have forests so vast, that some military training exercises last as long as 2 years."...

A married pair of Biologists are camping in China...

And after a long day of cataloging the various flora and fauna, they get down to a little love making...

When suddenly, the man feels an ungodly pressure in his stomach. He leaves hastily to the woods to find a suitable place to relieve himself, leaving his wife alone in the tent.

Outs...

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