Washed Jokes - 38 Hilarious Washed Jokes

Two men were washed ashore during WWI.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast of an uninhabited island. As the older veteran worked to build a makeshift camp, the younger soldier managed to salvage a radio, and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded withi...

A blonde walks into a dry cleaners and tells the woman at the counter, "I need to have an outfit washed."

The clerk was busy and slightly distracted, so she looked up from her work and said, "Come again?"

The blonde said, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

I washed the car with my 5 year old son today.

When we finished, he said, “Next time dad, can you use a sponge?”

A washed up actor hasn't gotten a job in years...

... He has lost his ability to remember lines. But after looking for work for a very long time, finally he gets the lead role in a Broadway musical.

When he arrives at the theater the director tells him, "You have the most important part, but you only have one line. You walk onto stage with a...

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A washed up actor, a drug addict, and a sexual predator walk into a bar

Andy Dick finally found one he hasn't been kicked out of.

The last time I washed my hair was 3 months ago....

I wasn't completely bald then....

What's the most washed body part of 2020?

The brain...

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A man was on a ship that sunk, and after floating for days he washed up on a deserted island....

He was stranded for many years on this island, but fortunately food was easy to come by. Fruits and vegetables grew abundantly all over the island, and the fish were so easy to catch it was almost like they *wanted* to be caught. Unfortunately, this meant that he had hours and hours of free time th...

Remember that cucumbers need to be washed extra vigorously.

You can do what my mom did, and take them into the shower with you.

A big hurricane came by and washed a beach away...

The sea rises by and says "Oy! Beach! Where's the rest of ya!?". The beach replies: "I'm not shore anymore."

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Keepers at a zoo realized that a lone female gorilla that was recently brought in for habitation was badly in heat.

Because of this the gorilla was acting very amorous with the keepers every time they tried to feed her. So they figured if she just had sex that she might calm down.

It was then they approached a rather dumb janitor and asked him if he'd like to have sex with the gorilla for $500.

The ...

What is tiny and gets washed ashore?

A micro wave

My mom washed my wallet on accident.

Asked me “is that what you call laundering money”.

A man, a dog, and a sheep are washed up on an island...

A man, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on an island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the bre...

Where does Dracula like to get washed?

In the bat tub

I’ve washed my hands so much

That I uncovered a cheat sheet from the sixth grade.

Bill Clinton finds a lantern washed up on the beach...

One day Bill Clinton was walking along the beach and found a magic lamp that had washed up, partially buried in the sand. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, “One wish.” Bill thought for a minute and said, “I want to be the guy who brings peace in the Middle East.” The...

Honey, the salad tastes funny... Are you sure you washed the veggies?

Of course I did! Can't you see the soap bubbles?

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After being shipwrecked, Joe washed up on a tropical island...

The modernized local tribe soon found him, fed and clothed him, then took him to their chief. Conversing in fluent English, Joe and the chief took a liking to one another, and the chief soon offered Joe his beautiful daughter's hand in marriage. Having just been shipwrecked and being a shy virgin,...

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My mom washed and combed my hair every day when I was a kid. I used to think it was so sweet and now I am horrified by it...

All those years, she was grooming me
Sick bitch...

Biologists [find a whale washed up on the shore]

Biologists [find a whale washed]: it’s a new species, what do we call it?................
Bunch o’ surfer dudes walking by: yo! Killer whale dude.....................
Biologists[looking at each other]:...

The young queen of France was getting her clothes washed.

One of the maids called on the other slightly deaf maid to come down and help her wash the clothes.

"Hey, can you help me? There is a stain on The Majesties pants!"

"Come again?"

"Probably!"

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An old, washed up actor was excited to get a bit part in a play.

It was a period piece, and he was playing a guard on duty, cannons would fire and he would say, "Hark! I hear the cannons roar!". On opening night he was late to get to the theater and was in a rush. As he got back stage the doorman stopped him and he said, "I'm hark, I hear the cannons roar!". "Hur...

I accidentally washed my cameras memory card.

Thankfully it still works but now all my images are watermarked.

You guys hear about the half of a mermaid that washed up on shore?

It's only a tale...

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Three men were shipwrecked and washed up onto a tropical island...

After the first night the men woke up in the morning and were surrounded by a native tribe of the island.

Not being able to understand the language the men believed they were being rescued by the tribe.

They returned to the tribes village and quickly learned that tribe was cannibalis...

Two dead hookers washed up in shore .

The cops found more crabs in them then they did the beach.

Wash. Biol. Surv.

A biological survey team based in Washington State University were studying the migratory habits of crows, so they caught a number of the birds in several states, tagged them with a metal tag marked WASH. BIOL. SURV. along with a box number and serial number, and released them.

After a while ...

Two retired business men sitting on a beach.

Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.

John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.

Mike is...

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and the state controlled national news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, The United States of America.

What type of car does a washed up celebrity drive?

A Mercedes Has-Benz

My wife decided to trim our household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand...

Proud of her savings, she boasted “We’re are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand.”

I replied, “Good, wash it again!”

I washed my hair with poo tonight.

I've been using shampoo for years, just think how good it will look with the real thing.

Husband : I washed these chocolates accidentally and they almost ended up in the dryer!

Wife : its okay, the Lindt trap would have caught them!

"I really don't think you have a case, sir," said the detective as my wife washed her hair and cried from the bathroom.

"How can you say that?!" I demanded. "That hairstylist is a monster!"

"Look, sir, I can't just go around arresting every barber that gives a bad haircut." He glanced at his notes. "Even if he made her 'look like Captain Kirk.'"

"I never said he made her look like Captain Kirk!" I barke...

North koreans believe that their country is the best country in the world because they are brain washed by the government and media

While every Americans knows that America is the best country in the world

what do a washed up boxer and dracula's girlfriend have in common?

they both go down for the count

A man calls the police and reports that his girlfriend has gone missing

A male and a female police officer turn up at his house and begin to interview him. The female officer asks the man if he has any theories on where she might be. The man responds with “This is going to sound weird but I think she disappeared into the magic coffee table”
The officers look confused...

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