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Undresses Jokes

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The boss started to notice that one of his employees, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention..

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret.

Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the boss gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome...

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A cook gets married and the bride is a virgin.

On the wedding night, she cowers under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in bed and tries to gently reassure her.

“Darling,” he says, “I know this is your first time and you are very frightened but I promise you, I'll give you anyting you want, I'll do anyting you want. What ...

You would think if a girl undresses you, that would be a sign of consent right?

But the hospital says otherwise

My neighbor sometimes undresses as if...

.... someone is watching her.

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A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara [NSFW]

A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara on a camel. On the third day, the camel dies with little warning. As they dust themselves off, the nun and priest appraise their situation. After a long silence, the priest states:
'Well, sister, this looks to be pretty serious.'
'I know, father. As a...

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A business man is leaving his wife for a week and has concerns about her straying while away.

He visits a number of adult toy stores looking for something that will keep his wife "busy" while he's gone. After hours of searching he eventually stumbles into a Chinese Herb and Erotic Tincture shop in Chinatown. After telling the old man running the store of his dilemma, the old shopkeeper think...

A man gets up early Sunday morning

He goes downstairs, puts on his bike gear, takes his bike in the garage but when he opens the door he notices it is pouring. Bummed out, he puts his bike back, undresses, goes back upstairs and crawls back under the sheets, spoons his wife and whispers: "Awful weather outside" And his wife goes: "Ha...

Man walks into Bar with a Dog ...

Man walks into Bar with a Dog and orders 2 Glasses of Whiskey.

He & his Dog empty the Glasses.

Girl behind the Bar is surprised and asks - Can your Dog perform any other tricks?

Man-Yes, He can fully satisfy a Woman.

Girl is too curious.. Deciding tha...

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, live in Arkansas.

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, live in Arkansas.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife ‘Notice anything different about me?’

Margare...

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An 8-year-old knocks on the door of a brothel...

The Madam opens it up, looks down and sees the kid. “What do you want?”

The kid says, “I wanna get laid!”

The Madam says, “Yeah, come back in ten years.”

“But I wanna get laid.”

The Madam bends down and says, “Kid, get out of here, come back in ten years. Tell you what, g...

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A couple is celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary ...

They rent the same hotel room they spent their honeymoon in. The wife undresses and says, "25 years ago, when you first saw me naked, what were you thinking?" The husband says, "I was thinking that I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry!"

"And what are you thinking right no...

Schwartz dies and they bring his body to the funeral home...

The mortician undresses the body, only to discover Schwartz had the biggest pecker he’d ever seen in his life. He can’t wait to tell his wife- but would she ever believe him? In a flash he cuts it off and places it in a gallon size jar with some embalming fluid.
He gets home, calls for his wife ...

A guest flirts with the waitress in the pub. He has a very nice dog with him.

At some point he takes the waitress aside and whispers in her ear:
"This is a really great dog. He can even make women happy!"

The waitress is interested, and they meet in the back room after closing time. She undresses and lies down expectantly on the sofa.

He calls the dog:
"Ha...

Mother Walks In On Her Daughter-In-Law. Then Responds With This.

A woman stops by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocks on the door then immediately walks in.

She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music is playing, candles are lit, and the aroma of perfume fills the room.

"What are you doing?!" sh...

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A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.

Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.


On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets
as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss ...

A gynecologist goes to an all-girl university to give year check-ups

The first girl comes in and undresses. The doctor notices she has a rash on her stomach in the shape of an H, "well that's a weirdly shaped rash."

"Oh, my boyfriend goes to Harvard and he's so proud he goes to Harvard that he won't take off his letterman's sweater when we make love."

T...

One night, a man and a woman meet at a bar

. After a drink or two, they start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors attending an out-of-town medical conference.
After about an hour, the man says to the
woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight-no strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun."
Considerin...

A guy goes to a hooker for the first time

So he doesn't know what to do.
After the woman undresses, she sees the guy laying on the bed, stressed out with his clothes on, so she says

- Let me take off Your pants, and I will suck it

And the guy replies

- My pants are dirty, You can suck my shirt instead

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Two friends are stranded in the desert...

After roaming around for days they stumble on a small cottage and meet a 90 year old witch who promises to cast a spell to send them back to civilization if one of them will have 3 rounds of sex with her. Hell no! One friend exclaims. The other thinks about it for a minute and volunteers to go in an...

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A 40 years old man goes to a circus show

He went there to remind himself of his most precious childhood memories, but mostly because the flyers advertised a pretty peculiar act.

The clowns, the animals, the magicians, all did their part but by the end of the show enters a little old man in his seventies, wearing a bathrobe. The old ...

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Bad weather

A guy goes fishing every Saturday morning. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long.

Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up h...

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an old couple are getting ready for bed

The husband sits on the bed taking off his socks and the wife undresses in the bathroom and gets into in her pink robe.

She comes into the room, walks over to her husband and whips open the robe, exclaiming, "super pussy!"

And the husband says, "I'll take the soup."

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A hapilly married couple

So there's a couple who's hapilly married for 5 years now but recently nothing's been going on in the bed and the girl is worried that her man is either cheating on her or is planning to divorce her until one day he comes home and says.
-Get undressed and go to the bedroom
The girl, confused b...

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