Don't step on the chickens

Three men die and come to the pearly gates. They swing open and they hear the voice of god booming: "Be welcome to heaven, but don't step on the chickens!" and as far as the eye can see there are chickens EVERYWHERE.

One guy is like, "forget this!" and instantly steps on a chicken. They hear ...

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You and 2 friends of yours walk through a forest

after a while you lot stumble upon a hut, from which a weird old lady, resembling a witch, comes out from. She slowly says
*"...do not step on the purple flower..."*
and then goes back into her hut.

A little confused, you exchange looks with your friends, shrug, and keep walking.
...

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A newly deceased Englishman, stands at the pearly gates

St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. The Englishman, decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heav...

Jack emigrates to a strange new country in search of a job.

When he arrives at the terminal, the customs officer gives him one piece of strange advice before he enters the country.

“Whatever you do, don’t step on a duck”

Jack thought this advice was strange, but as he walked out the airport he saw thousands of ducks flood his view, so much so t...

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Three old ladies

Three old ladies had just passed away and stood outside the gates to heaven speaking to the Almighty One. He looked at the three of them sternly and said: "If you're gonna be here, you should know that we only have one single rule here in heaven, but that one rule is extremely strict! You may NEVER,...

George W. Bush, Barack Obama, and Donald Trump were on their way to a conference when they got into a car crash. All three were killed.

The three found themselves standing in an inferno. "This must be hell," they thought.

The devil collected Bush first. He led Bush to a door and opened it. On the other side of the door was the ugliest woman Bush had ever seen. He had seen many ugly women in his life, but none as squalid as he...

I always thought people wore contacts because it doesn't change your appearance...

... but when I look in the mirror and put on my contacts I always get uglier.

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There was a man. An especially unattractive man.

He had sex when he was younger. But the older and uglier he grew the less women wanted to be with him. At present he hadn't had sex in over 30 years. No prostitute would sleep with him. Not even a blowjob or a handjob. Such was his level of ugliness. He had given up on jerking off years ago. He need...

Three men, John, Paul, and Bob live horrible lives and go to hell. When they arrive, a hideously ugly woman appears out of nowhere. Suddenly, a loud booming voice says,

"John! You have sinned! In reparation for your atrocious lifestyle you are condemned to sleep with this woman." With a cry of dismay, John is a whisked away to endure this horrible penance. Suddenly, another even uglier more hideous woman comes forward.

"Paul! You have sinned! In reparation f...

You and two of your friends die and go to Heaven. At the gates, ...

St. Peter greets all of you, "Welcome to Heaven, guys. You all lived pretty good lives, so we're going to let you all in. We only have one rule in Heaven - don't step on any ducks."

Friend 1 thinks, that must be a pretty easy rule to follow.

Then the three of you walk through the gates...

3 guys go to heaven

Three guys go to heaven. When at the gates, God encounters the three and welcomes them.

"Heaven has a lot of good things to offer, but I must warn you about the pink clouds. Don't ever touch them, or something bad will happen."

The three guys enter the gates and go for a walk

Af...

Don't step on a duck

St. Peter is assisting applicants to heaven three at a time. He's leading the latest trio around, showing them the best clouds, where to get the best harps, best wing cleaning service etc.

One guy has a complaint, though. "What's with all these ducks? They're everywhere and getting underfoo...

Three friends die and go to heaven...

When they get to the gate saint peter says, "Hi, welcome to heaven. You're going to have a great time. We only have one rule in heaven, and that is to never, ever, no matter what, step on a duck."

"Ducks?"

"Yes, if you do, you will receive a terrible punishment. You may enter."
So...

Three men die and go to heaven (long)

An angel tells them that before they go through the pearly gates, they must sit outside on a stone slab for three days. "One rule," the angel says, "you must *never* sit on the pink puffy cloud." The three men agree, since they obviously want to go to heaven.

On the first day, one of the me...

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Jim's Birthday Hat

Jim's birthday was coming up, and as much as he enjoyed his birthday, he dreaded the obligations that came with it. Despite his vehement protests, his wife had arranged lunch with the whole family, including his witch of a mother-in-law. But Jim was a good man and said he'd be on his best behaviour....

Three little old ladies die in a car crash...

When they get to heaven, St. Peter is waiting to welcome them.
"Welcome, ladies," says Peter. "We only have one rule up here, don't step on the ducks."
The three little old ladies look around and notice there are ducks everywhere, thousands of them.
"Why all the ducks?" asks the first li...

Don't step on the pink cloud

Three friends, Sarah, Emily, and Rachel were in a terrible car accident and died. They ended up at the gates of heaven. There was an angel standing there waiting to welcome them, and at the end of his welcome speech, he warned "no matter what you do, don't ever step on the pink cloud". Thus, the thr...

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3 man go to heaven

They are greeted by an angel. The Angel says to them: „Look guys we only have 1 rule here. Never step on a red cloud." The man are confused ar first but dont think too much of it. After a while the first man accidently steps on a red cloud. Immedeantly the angel comes to him. "Because you stepped on...

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Tom, Dick, and Harry go to heaven...[long]

St. Peter tells them "There is only one rule in heaven, you must never, ever step on a duck or your eternity in paradise will be ruined. The men don't give it much thought and enter through the pearly gates.

Much to their dismay, there are ducks everywhere. Hundreds of ducks are walking aroun...

Older couple

An older couple is spending time up in the bedroom before turning in for the night. Hubby's reading the paper while his wife is checking herself out in the mirror. Every few minutes, she lets out with a little- "Ooooh!" and "Awww!"
Finally, the husband can't concentrate and puts the paper down.<...

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So, a really, really, REALLY ugly woman, ugliest you will ever see, with a terrible attitude to boot, walks into a department store...

...with her two kids in tow. The manager of the store gets close to her and asks:
"Twins?"
The mother makes a huge, contorted face, and, incredible as it might seem, looks even uglier.
"No, you imbecilic twat. Bruce, that's the oldest, is nine, and Miranda is seven. What sort of questio...

My teenage daughter asked me why..

Women get uglier as they grow older, yet blokes become more handsome?
“Simple” I replied “God’s a Man”.

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Old Insults

One night when my grandfather was a little drunk, he started describing a woman he once new and he had the most hilariousness old insults. If you know some good old insults please add them in the comments but I'll start with some of the ones I've heard.

She had a face that could stop a 7 day...

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Pink Clouds

Every time I this joke, I always tell it replacing the "Guy 1," "Guy 2," etc. with friends' names. It's much funnier that way, but tell it however you wish. That's the great thing about it; you can change it to fit whoever you're telling it to, doesn't have to be about a pub. I once told it where my...

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