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Tweeted Jokes

North Korea announced to have successfully landed a man on the Sun

During a live interview with Kim Jong-un, a reporter asked, "the Sun is very hot! How did you land a man?" Kim proudly replied, "we launch at night!"

Meanwhile, Trump tweeted while watching the live, "Haha what an idiot! There is no Sun at night!"

Disney just tweeted that they wont be making new Marvel Universe movies, but the Tweet was cut short

Looks like they ran out of characters.

I'm actually really happy with Trump's presidency so far.



He's had the nuclear codes for a couple of years now and hasn't tweeted them yet.

Today Trump tweeted a weird defense of himself for saying "Tim Apple" last week

How do you like Tim Apples?

Donald Trump calls the media 'fake news' even when they're directly quoting something he said/tweeted...

...but since most of the things he says are fake, by transitive property, the news is fake too

I tweeted a joke about a bombing, and a few hours later a bombing happened. So I got a call from the FBI, and needless to say they weren’t friendly.

I guess my joke was too soon.

I loved the sound a bird made this morning...

...so I re-tweeted it.

The Pope, Xi Jinping and Donald Trump are summoned by God

"OK", said God, "the world's gonna end in 20 years, go back and prepare your people".

The Pope prepared a great mass at St. Peter's Square and announced "Dear Catholics, I have good and bad news. Rejoice, for God is real, but also repent, for the end of the world is coming in 20 years".
...

I was surprised to learn my kid failed the road driving test...

...she Tweeted three times that it seem to be going well.

A 19-year-old teen had to be admitted after he became addicted to social media.

He’s currently being tweeted in hospital.

A Sliced Dairy Product

There was once a man named Ani. Ani was a long-time comedian. He had been running both a YouTube and a Twitter account for an entire decade, and did stand-up in bars and comedy clubs. Everywhere he went, he was showered with praise for his originality and dedication. On one 17th of August, however, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Guinness Book of World Records mislabeled the world record for the world’s largest penis.

They claimed the record holder was ‘Donald J Trump’, who then tweeted out the error, claiming his thing was big, but not that big.

GWR corrected themselves with a reprint two days later, instead saying he isn’t the record holder, but instead, he is the record,

Journalism's "Five W's" Revised

1. Who?
2. What?
3. Who Tweeted about it?
4. What did they Tweet?
5. What other unrelated BS is happening?

A top Islamic cleric today condemned President Trump for being anti muslim

Trump tweeted back 'This is just fakir news'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A programmers wife tells him...

"Run to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

He returns with 12 loaves of bread.



@SciencePorn tweeted this, I saw it there, don't know the original source.

My girlfriend broke up with me on Twitter.

I hope she tweets him better than she tweeted me.

A limerick writ for a Twit

An executive reckless and bitter

Made a fool of himself via Twitter

*"Please stop!"* they entreated

But in answer he Tweeted

*"If I do they might call me a quitter"*

At this point I feel that there's probably nothing self-incriminating in his tax returns.

Or else Donald J. Trump or Junior would have tweeted it out to the public.

What do you get when you kiss a canary?

Chirpes.
It can't be tweeted because it's a canarial disease.

Three Most Important People

God was looking down on the earth and decided everything was too messed up to let it continue. He decided giving an ultimatum to humans would do the trick, so he called up who he thought were the three most important people on earth to tell them. God called up Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin, and Dona...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police were investigating an incident that happened during a hypnotist's show

A male hypnotist ended up in the hospital with multiple injuries. They interviewed a witness on what happened during the show.

Police: So, can you tell us what happened?

Witness: So we were watching a hypnotist doing his show, all is going well. He asked for volunteers from the audienc...

No one on Twitter ever quotes me properly.

I'm so mis-tweeted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Satan asks God to let him back into Heaven...

God says "Satan, you've betrayed me before, but I am a just and forgiving god. You may get back into Heaven, if you can beat my only son in a programming contest."

Satan and Jesus meet to agree to the terms. The contest is a simple one. God will set a timer for six hours, and both Jesus and S...

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