UPJOKE
theselilyinflorescenceracemeflowerangiospermcolumbinetulippeonycyclamenasteraceaepetuniahibiscusazaleabloom

These Days Jokes

Burglars are getting very clever these days.

Last night, my wife woke me up, “Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!”

So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone. Then I realized I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and TV were gone.

Why is helium so expensive these days?

Because of all the inflation.

I'm sick and tired of this "everybody wins" mentality kids have these days.

Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Grandpa tells his grandson, "All you kids do these days is play video games."

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

Nothing is built in America these days. I just bought a TV and it said “Built In Antenna”

I don’t even know where that is!

A lot of people are pretty upset about "fat shaming" jokes these days

Maybe they need to lighten up

I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can't even say black paint

You have to say

Leroy, please paint that wall

Gamers these days have no patience.

Two thousand years ago, respawn wait times were *three days*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So sick of double standards these days.

When a dog licks his balls in public, nobody says anything. But when I do it, people yell "what are you doing to your dog, you sick fuck?"

Confederate statues these days...

[removed]

America is sure having some bad luck these days.

It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground or something.

Children are so unappreciative these days.

I bought my daughter a rabbit.

She just keeps complaining about how it "doesn't count if it's roadkill".

How running a business in these days feels

The taxation office suspected a business owner wasn't paying proper wages to his employee and sent an auditor to investigate him.

Auditor: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Business Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $5,0...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I object to all of the sex on the TV, these days...

I mean, I keep falling off!

There's so much nudity on TV these days, it makes me so angry.

I just sit there, shaking my fist.

One of these days my wife is going to realize I’m always right…

Except for when I disagree with her.

Kids these days are so stupid

They actually believe I've got chocolate in my van

Writers these days have become so lazy

They’re remaking the first Writer’s Strike

After seeing the price of insurance these days

I've decided it's cheaper to just get robbed

You know what jokes are trendy these days ?

Inside jokes.

I have trouble keeping their jobs these days...

First I was working at a potato farm, but then I was sacked.

Next it was the tuna factory, but then I was canned.

Next I tried being a lumberjack, but then I got axed.

Next I found an opening at the crematorium, but then I was fired.

Next I screwed up at the gun manufactu...

People these days think all kids in the 90s listened to boomboxes.

That’s just a stereotype.

My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days...

My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse , I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water.

I know he means well.

Christian’s these days only believe in like 12.5% of the Bible

I swear most are Eighth-iest

Kids these days...

It was a very rainy day and the new kindergarten teacher was helping her children wear their galoshes. It was a tiresome job involving much pushing and shoving.

Finally it was young Barry's turn. The teacher pushed and pushed and finally helped him into his galoshes.

"You know," said ...

So, what do you suppose Beethoven is doing these days?

Decomposing

So many people these days are too judgemental.

I can tell just by looking at them.

I’m doing pretty well financially these days.

My bank just said my debt is outstanding!

Fat people get a lot of humiliation these days

This has to stop, being fat is already such a difficult thing. To deal with all the jokes and humiliation is so difficult. If you are fat and someone behaved bad with you for being fat, don't let that weigh you down. You already have a lot weighing you down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kids are so ungrateful these days.

I got my 11 year old nephew a trampoline for his birthday, and instead of thanking me, the little cunt just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People are offended by the smallest things these days

So please keep your dick in your pants

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Anything these days," I told my wife.

She frowned at me.

"What's that?" she asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

"Huh?" she asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

"I don't understand. Explain?" she asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

She sighed and shrugged.

"Are you crazy, honey...

People hate the police so much these days...

...that even Sting has stopped performing "Every Breath You Take."

Ghosts, what is it with them these days?

They go round going ‘whooooo whooooo’, what is that all about. They need to get a life.

Why does the conservative agenda seem to be fill-in-the-blank these days?

Because they only care about Mad Libs!

There’s a weird trend in my town where all the shops have custom made Exit Signs. They seem to be quite a rage these days.

But I think..they are on the way out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People don't know how lucky they have it these days...

When I was younger and wanted to look at sexy pictures, I had to sneak the Sears catalogue into my bedroom to look at the underwear and swimsuit pages.

But nowadays... anyone can hop on any smart device and just go directly to sears dot com

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Christmas these days is a lot like having sex...

...the build up is great, but when it finally comes, I regret spending all that money.

Everyone's using 24hr clock these days but I don't like it.

Not on my watch.

What's the deal with airline food these days...

nothing but knuckle sandwiches.

Everything's higher these days. Food. Gas.

Me.

Women are so ungrateful these days.

I try and hold the door for them but all they do is scream and tell me to get out of the bathroom.

Politicians these days.

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.

“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”

The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “...

I hear stoicism is all the rage these days.

Sounds like they're doing it wrong.

Gas prices are so high these days I used vodka in my lawnmower,

... now my grass is half cut.

Mocking anti-vaxxers on the internet these days is like unvaccinated children

It never gets old.

The employees at my bank are soo nice these days!

Occasionally they would call me and remind me that my loans have been outstanding!

I found out why college is so expensive these days

Every university starts with U o.

These days, people are always having their food delivered.

Why don't they just order it without the livers?

Why do bags of potato chips have so much less chips these days?

Inflation

What does it take to survive these days?

Masking your pain.

With all the video content available these days...

It's hard to believe that for five whole years we came back to watch Tattoo yell "the plane, the plane."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] r/jokes these days is just like men comparing their dicks these days

They don't know what long means

Dating these days

Boy: Hi

Girl: What?

Boy: How are you?

Girl: Do I know you?

Boy: I'm Rich..

Girl: Oh! Hi. My name is Mary but you can call me "Baby" I'm 19 & I am very submissive. I love short men, especially like you & I'm glad to meet you. So, when are we going out?
...

Kids these days

Little boy and girl are playing one day

The little boy pulls down his shorts and says " I got one of these and you don't!"

The little girl runs home crying

A few days later they're playing together again

The little boy pulls down his short and says " I got one of these an...

A lot of comedians these days have a major issue with 'woke' people

Bill Cosby, for instance...

Kids these days don't know what good clean fun is!

Frankly, I don't know what good it is either!

What are the animals most worried about these days?

The Pandamic.

What does a catholic, a Jew, a Muslim, and a black person have in common these days?

None of them know how it feels to be discriminated against at a water fountain

Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?

They have appeal

They don't use the name Lance much these days

in the medieval times they named people Lance a lot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler seems to get a lot of hate these days, but to the man's credit..

he *did* kill Hitler.

I never cook with ginger these days...

I prefer soul food.

A professor asks a graduate student what he's working on these days.

"I'm writing a thesis on the survival of the class system in America," the student said.

"Oh, that's interesting. I didn't know there was a class system in America."

"No one does. That's how it survives."

What’s the problem with hand donors these days?

They’re just alright.

Kids These Days Can't Take Care of Presents

I got my kid one of those 'Fortnite' things everyone's been raving about, it only lasted two weeks.

I can't believe people have no compliance with traffic rules these days

When I was on highway, everyone was driving in wrong direction.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kids these days...

A bunch of kids are playing football when someone kicks the ball over the fence through the window of the neighbour's house (breaking it in the process). No one wants to go and get the ball back since the owner is very strict, so they pick the kid who has the best manners to go and apologise.
...

Terrible what they do these days

We've been reading in the papers lately about terrible cruelty someone is causing to our winged friends by the shore, as many Pelicans have been found with their beaks cut off.

Police suspect a local bill collector is behind it all.

These days America has a lot in common with my wife's legs,

I'm dying for them to reopen.

People these days recoil at the idea of brain transplants becoming possible in the near future.

Just wait until we develop the technology. They'll change their minds.

Kids these days.

The police arrested two kids yesterday.

One was drinking was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

My grandfather said youth can't live without technology these days

I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support

These days I've been checking the news first thing in the morning.

Lately, it's been my mourning routine.

They put all sorts of wild patterns on pants these days.

Britches be crazy.

Fewer people are decorating eggs these days ...

It’s a dyeing art.

I've heard that more people are getting cremated than buried these days.

I guess coffins are a dying business.

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fare ...

Kids these days have no idea how good it was growing up in the 90s!

(born on December 31st, 1999)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There so much messed up kinds of porn these days

What's the world coming to?

I hate the PC culture we live in these days.

Can't a guy just use a Playstation without getting called a "peasant"?

I think the Dysons in washrooms these days are pretty cool

But I have to say, they're the messiest urinals I've ever used.

going on social media these days is like going to church

after 5mins, I feel guilty af

You know what would really lift my spirits these days?

If I integrated a gym into my liquor store.

Crooks just seem to be phoning it in these days

That’s at least how our president likes to do it.

Most United States President these days are quite stubborn

Good thing both JFK and Lincoln were very open minded people.

So many Irish twins being born these days

the numbers just keep Dublin up.

Apparently you have to pay extra for candy these days

They call it the Tic Tax

Everything comes from China these days, except for babies...

They come from the vaChina

You can't find an honest blacksmith these days!

They always forge their stuff!

Kids these days

Kids these days are so lucky getting computers and game consoles for Christmas. When I was a kid my mom had to cut holes in my pockets that way I had something to play with

It’s not that hard to be a monk these days.

All you need is cheap toilet paper to get in touch with your inner self.

College sure is expensive these days...

Instead of tuition, we pay threeition

There are extreme biases everywhere you look these days, for example..

It's totally okay for everyone paint red freckles on their face for Saint Patrick's Day, but when I wear black face on MLK Day it's a hate crime.

I have excellent chemistry with the girls I stalk these days

By chemistry, I mean the reaction of 8-methyl-*N*\-vanillyl-6-nonenamide with my eyes.

Paper is getting so expensive these days

With costs like these I'm certain my origami business is gonna fold

Seems you can get anything for free these days.

The other day I saw a sign that said"Free Palestine!"

It's a shame kids are bringing MP5's to school these days

Back in my days, kids only brought MP3's!

Teens these days often forget to practice safe eating

Always use condiments

No wonder wind turbines are so popular these days...

They have a huge fan base.

Being a manutd fan these days is annoying enough as it is

the other day I was talking about how good Liverpool are and I was labelled a traitor , questioned about my loyalty and insulted.

What do they think I am ? An undercover KOP?

EDM is quite popular these days but it won't last

I'm not sure if it will stand the Tiesto of time

You gotta be careful on social media these days.

I mean, just today I accepted a friend request from Xerox. Turns out it was a scan.

Phones these days are so expensive...

If you fall and hear a crack, you hope you broke your leg.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.