The Unit Jokes - 101 Hilarious The Unit Jokes

A German man walks into a McDonald's in the United States...

After waiting in line, he finally gets to the counter, and he orders a pint of beer, because you can get beer at McDonalds in Germany.

An American customer overhears the man's order, and he approaches the German man and says, "How could you be so stupid? you cannot order beer here." while lau...

If trump wins the election, I will leave the United States

If Biden wins the election, I will leave the United States

This is not a political post, I just want to travel

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fare ...

Did you hear about the Doctor on the United Flight?

[removed]

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

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The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?

The Air Force; they're US AF

"The Flintstones" is controversial in the United Arab Emirates.

People in Dubai don't like it, but those in Abu Dhabi do.

A man and his wife are travelling through the United States, when they notice a sign telling them that the town they are entering is called Kissimee.

They quickly start arguing about the correct way to pronounce it. "KISS-a-me," says the husband. "That's wrong," says the wife, "The right way to say it is kis-A-me." "Not necessarily," says the husband, "It could also be kis-a-ME."

Their argument continues as they enter town, and decide t...

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot ...

What's the biggest city in the United States?

Obesity

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States...

Wandering aimlessly and starving, They are about to lie down and accept their death when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune,...

What’s the difference between the president of Ukraine, and the president of the United States?

The president of Ukraine is a comedian, the president of the United States is a joke.

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States...

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.

One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well.

So they head to the nearest hot ...

A man calls up the White House and tells the receptionist, "I would like to become the next president of the United States."

The receptionist asks, "What are you, an idiot?"

The man asks, "Why, is it required?"

What is the difference between New Zealand and the United States?

In New Zealand the sheep have four legs

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Why, in the United States, do we not have the letter "u" in words like "favourite" and "colour"?

Because fuck u and no one likes u, that's why.

The United States doesn't use torture techniques such as water boarding

The prefer the term "tactical baptism"

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The United States ruined Hiroshima. Which American city did Japan ruin?

Detroit

Why do they spell it "honour" and "favour" in the United Kingdom?

Because Rick Astley is British.

Does the International House of Pancakes answer to the United Nations or is it the other way around?

Serious answers only. I'm studying for my AP World History final.

What is the unit to express joules per second?

Sorry, watt is the unit to express joules per second.

A cold snap across the United States has seen Texas dealing with temperatures as low as -18

The demand for electricity has led to blackouts across the state, causing some people to go without Fox News for so long, they've stopped blaming the weather on Joe Biden.

What’s the unit of measure for social influence?

Instagrams

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Two Middle Eastern men move to the United States.

After receiving dirty looks, and rude comments day after day, they soon figure out that they needed to "Americanize" themselves in order to fit in. Both men part ways on their journey to become Americans. The men do not see each other for five years, until one day they happen to bump into each other...

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which is the lightest of the United States?

MA. It has the mass of two shits.

The president announced that Oklahoma was taking over the United States.

He said, "Don't worry, the US will be OK."

What's one advantage of electing a woman president of the United States?

We wouldn't have to pay her as much.

The United States has such bad luck

It's almost as if it was build on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

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If Mexico sends their rapists to the United States, where does the United States send theirs?

To the Supreme Court.

What is the National Sport of the United States of America?

Depends on which one is on TV right now.

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What is the unit of measure for time traveling breasts?

Quan-tities

What is the punishment for polygamy in the United States?

Multiple mothers-in-law.

I always tell people I work for the United Nations.

It's a better way of saying I'm U.N.employed.

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A WW2 joke I heard recently

So, it’s 1941 and a young German boy is listening to the radio. On the radio Hitler announces that Germany is declaring war on the United States.

The boy asks, “Father, where is the United States?”

“Here, let me show you,” His father responds and points at a map of North America.
...

The United Nations world-wide survey

The United Nations sent out a survey to all the nations in the different continents of the world.

The survey went like this:

"We want your honest opinion on how to find a solution to the food shortage in the rest of the world"

The survey of course, turned out to be a total and a...

What do you call the unit that measures emotions?

A sentimetre.

Every 4th of July, America sends Britain a locket with a little tiny picture of the United States in it. They want to remind the crown that America is still...

(•_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

In *da* pendent

It must have been a real shock when people found out the Monty Python theme was originally written by someone from the United States

After all, nobody expects the American composition

If you clone the president of the United States that's allowed

If you clone him twice that's also allowed

But if you clone him a third time ...

That's four-Biden

Hillary Clinton is elected president, . . .

and on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."

She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
...

What do the 23rd President of the United States and The Devil have in common?

They both got beaten by a kid named Johnny

The United States is always being hit with tragedies and crises like a bad curse...

Just as if it was built on top of an ancient Indian burial ground.

Trump will still be president of The United States after January 20th

He's having Rudy draw up the paperwork to form The United States Total Landscaping Co. as we speak!

Do you know why the unit of feet was once based on the foot of king Henry the 1st?

Cause he was the absolute ruler.

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and the state controlled national news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, The United States of America.

The United Kingdom is breaking up!

Soon it will be the Untied Kingdom.

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What's difference between the United States and unprotected sex?

With the US, it doesn't matter if it pulls out or not. You are screwed anyways.

If Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, Bill Barr, Stephen Miller, and Jared Kushner we're on Air Force One together and the plane were to suddenly crash, who would survive?

The United States of America.

In other news, the United States has recently accepted a 51st state.

All the states unite around adding the State of Emergency to the country.

The United States should really consider going to the doctor.

They've had an election for more than 4 hours.

My teacher asked me if I know the unit for rate of deformities in Hapsburgs.....

I replied:"perhaps "

Student: What is the unit of power?

Teacher: It is.

I just found out there is over 1 million battered women in the United States

and I’ve been eating them plain the whole time.

What's the easiest way to find a spy in the United States?

Ask them to sing the Star Spangled Banner.

If the sing more than one verse, you have your spy.

Mikhail Kalashnikov visits the United States (based on true story)

For the first time, the legendary father of the AK-47 visits the United States. On his first day there he goes to a shooting range and meets up with Eugene Stoner, the father of America's M16. They discuss the advantages and disadvantages of each of their creations to which Eugene Says:

"My ...

Student doing test: “The unit of power equivalent to 1 joule per second is called the [....]”

Friend leans over: “Watt is the answer”

Student: “I don’t know, I’ve been trying to figure it out”

What is the difference between a yoghurt and the United States?

If you leave a yoghurt standing for 240 years there's going to develop a culture on it.

Why did it take up until last year for Volkswagen to finally manufacture electric cars in the United States?

Because it took them awhile to get the bugs worked out

Last night, I, an American, was arguing with a European over whether Europe or the United States was better.

The European boasted, "We hardly even have racism here in Europe!" I asked them, "What about Romani people? Does the racism they experience not count?"

They replied, "Of course not! Romanis aren't people!"

Three Chinese friends, Chu, Bu, and Fu, decided to immigrate to the United States

In order to get their visas, they needed to change their names to something more American. Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck and Fu decided to travel back to China.

The United States Senate approved a measure last week to make daylight saving time permanent across the country.

Alabama already did this several years ago, deciding to permanently go back to 1845.

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible.

After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Barack says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I ...

My son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered this for a moment and replied: “When Abe Lincoln was your age he was The President of the United States.”

The United States Congress has a new sign hanging in the hallway

It reads "Not responsible for lost or stolen Articles"

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'Earth' without 'Art' is just 'Eh'.

Just like 'The United States of America' without 'heunedtatesam' is just 'Tits of Erica'.

The United States finally outlawed the waterboarding of suspected terrorists!

They have decided to replace it with a more politically correct interrogation method: Tactical Baptism

What's the United States' biggest, most well-known export?

Troops

What did the 44th President of the United States say when he felt lonely?

O-ba-maself

God was creating all the countries and it was the United Kingdom’s turn.

He turned to his angels and said, “ They shall live on a miserable damp island, they’ll barely get along with each other and be constantly on each other’s throats if not dealing with other countries, have bland food, the worst dental hygiene and have this insufferable fantasy about their country bei...

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A Saudi Arabian diplomat visits the United States.

A Saudi Arabian diplomat visits the United States.

He is greeted at his embassy by Obama.

The diplomat invites Obama into a secret room. Once inside, he says to Obama, "Let me show you a program we use on people in our country."

Obama agrees and the diplomat leaves the room. ...

How many states make up the United States of America?

49 nowadays, Nevada stopped counting.

The King of the magical land Wakanda invited the President of the United States and the Queen of Britain to visit.

When they arrived, the Royal Guide of Wakanda brought them to the Palace.
"I should warn you, the beauty and luxury you will see is unparalleled." he said.
They both snorted haughtily. Surely this third-world country couldn't compete with their own riches.

But when they entered, they we...

A reporter is interviewing the President of the United States…

WALLACE (Interviewer) But I've got to tell you, if I may, sir, respectfully, in the Fox poll, they asked people, who is more competent? Who's got -- whose mind is sounder? Biden beats you in that.
TRUMP: Well, I'll tell you what, let's take a test. Let's take a test right now. Let's go down, Jo...

The United States is under attack in American schools

The map of America had four tacks holding it to the wall in nearly every classroom I was in.

When I grew up in America, I was told that if I work real hard, someday I could be the next President of the United States.

I live in the UK now and noticed that the British aren’t as optimistic as Americans.

But as an optimist, I still tell my son that if he worked real hard, someday he could be the next Queen of England.

Why doesn't the United States have universal healthcare?

Because paying for health insurance should give a sense of pride and accomplishment

Brunette: "Where were you born?" Blonde: "The United States." Brunette: "Which part?"

Blonde: "My whole body."

The United States, China and Russia are attending a military exercise competition

To see which army is the strongest, the United Nations placed three rabbits in three forests.the one spent least time and sent least soldiers wins.
On day one, the U.S. Army go first. They spent half a day meeting to formulate a battle plan, strictly divide the labor, and then sent a hundred spe...

Welcome to the United States...

Where the laws are made up and the votes don't matter.

In the United States, tomorrow is a Federal Holiday

and the government is supposed to be closed for a day.

The United Kingdom.

A country whose name is now ironic.

100 is a nice round number

The European is visiting the United States for the first time: So how many cents in a dollar?

The American: 100, of course

The European: 100? Why not 62, or 37?

The American: 62? What are you talking about? It's 100. Of course, it is. It's a nice round number and easy to calcula...

A good joke to ask another person

person 1: What is the unit of measurement used to measure electricity

person 2: What?

person 1: Correct!

The United Nations is like a black father

You know it exists but it's just never there when you need it .

The local United Way office never got a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The local United Way office realized it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

A fundraiser called him up and said, "Sir, our research shows that you have an income of over $600,000, but you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to you...

Despite what you may hear or read, the United States is close to perfection.

Canada!!!

Jokes are just like presidents of the United States.

They're old and they're just here to get votes.

People say that the President of the United States is a joke and no one respects him.

I dunno, Vladimir Putin doesn't seem like the sort of guy you'd mess with.

Southwest Kansas and the panhandles of Oklahoma and Texas have decided to secede from the United States.

They’re calling their new country Kotex.

Metric system isn't popular in the United States?

Nonsense, just look how popular are two-liter bottles and nine-millimeter bullets

Why did the United States invade Panama?

Just cause.

Why did France give the Statue of Liberty to the United States?

They had no use for one with only one hand up.

Hillary and Bill sneak away from the secret service

Hillary and Bill Clinton sneak away from the secret service and go for a drive. The two end up at a gas station and when they walk in, Hillary recognizes the clerk.

Hillary says hello to him and the two walk out. She turns to Bill and says “I used to date that guy before I met you”

Bil...

If you dressed up like a rodeo clown, broke into the capitol, and tried to destroy the democracy of the United States

You might be a redneck

If Donald Trump and Mike Pence were on a stranded island, who would survive?

The United States of America

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The Queen of England take a diplomatic trip to the United States....

While there, she visits one of New York's best hospitals. As she is being shown around the hospital by a doctor, she comes across a man furiously masturbating in the hallway. The queen turns beet red and exclaims, "Doctor! Do you see what that man is doing?" The doctor looks then very nonchalantly s...

The United States appears to be successfully avoiding a second wave

By keeping the first wave going

If the United States put Trump on Mount Rushmore,

It'll be "huge".

Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime.

It's just another day at the United States Bureau of Engraving and Printing.

You don't have to worry about a draft in the United States

Every time Trump clicks "Draft", it just saves the email and never sends.

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