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The North Jokes

Santa walks into the North Pole bar, takes a seat, and asks the bartender for his most popular shot

Bartender pours out something that looks like candy cane. “It’s called ‘Elf Cum’”.

Santa cringes, but downs it and remarks, “Gee, that’s really good, but why do you call it ‘Elf Cum’?”

Bartender replies, “When I tested it out with Mrs. Claus, she said, ‘That tastes just like ...

Why is the North Korean dictator so evil?

Because he has no Seoul.

What do you call a bear that likes to spend his summers at the north pole and his winters at the south?

a bi-polar bear.

There are no divorce courts at the North Pole,

so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon.

They're great for separating independent Clauses.

Centuries ago, on a remote island in the North Atlantic...

Vikings arrived and began a settlement with help from their Irish thralls. But they weren't alone. All manner of otherworldly beings lurked in the island's hidden corners. The Vikings called these beings *vættir*; the Gaels called them *Aes Sídhe*.

Among these beings were the selkies who frol...

The US ambassador was meeting the North Korea ambassador.

During the meeting, wanting to impress the Korean, the American ambassador started boasting.

"Last week, I was in London. I met the Olympic 1000 metres gold medallist.

The previous week, I was in Brussels. I met the world's leading mathematician.

The week before, I was in Paris....

My mother in law came down from the North of England to visit for Christmas...

...I told her "You should think about moving further South"

She was very touched until she realised I meant Antarctica

Why do polar bears only live at the north pole?

Because if they also lived at the south pole, they would be bipolar bears.

Two elves are winding down in the North Pole bar after a long day of making toys.

After downing some shots of peppermint schnapps, the first elf says to the second, “That COVID outbreak in China has really messed up the toy production schedule. I don’t think Santa has ever pushed us so hard!”.

The second one added, “Yeah, things were so bad today that Rudolph and Blitzen...

Almost everyone at the North Pole becomes extremely anxious whenever Santa feels depressed

That’s when he’s most likely to elf harm.

A city was stolen today in the North of England

Police are desperately looking for Leeds

You know what religion they practice in the North Pole?

Santaria.

Two men have been selected for an expedition to the North Pole

Their names are George Bernard and William Briggs. On this journey they’ve been given a state of the art ship to cross through iceberg laden waters unscathed and plenty of supplies for the trip. On the 20th of December George and William set off on their expedition. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to the...

What's the difference between Reddit and the north pole?

The north pole doesn't have as many snowflakes.

Can we take a serious moment to raise awareness about the North Atlantic Garbage Patch?

Not enough people really talk about England very much

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Polar bear cub who lives at the north pole...

He asks his dad, "Am I a polar bear?" His dad says


"I'm a polar bear, and your mother's a polar bear. That means you're a polar bear."


The cub asks "are you sure?"


Dad says" Of course I'm sure, go ask your mother.


Cub asks his mother "Am I a polar...

Dad, name 5 animals living in the North Pole

Three seals and two penguins.

What’s the difference between North Korea and the North Pole?

One of them is forever ruled by a jolly fat man who directs an entire race of short people to produce packages he can drop from the sky all over the world, and the other is the North Pole.

At the North Pole, what do elves put on their time card?

"Present".

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer...

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives hi...

Why does the north Korean navy have glass bottom boats?

So they can see their air Force.

Why couldn’t the North Pole make enough toys this year?

Because they are short-staffed!

Why is the North Korean National library so big?

Because Kim Jong-Un is a supreme reader!

What do you call a chicken in the North Pole?

>!Lost!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A North-Korean officer pulls out a megaphone at the North and South Korean border and yells "Kim Jong-Un is an idiot!" and gets sent to 31 years in a labor camp.

1 year for insulting the Dear Leader and 30 years for revealing a state secret.

How are they killing Covid in the North Pole?

Santa-tizing

Why does Santa have a brothel on the north pole?

Cause that's where he keeps his hoe hoe hoes.

My friend told me the north star wasn't the brightest in the night sky.

I told him that's a Sirius accusation!

My life was great before I traveled to the North pole

From there it all went south.

Have you ever had the privilege of sailing across the North Atlantic Sea?

Neither has the Titanic.

What do Daenerys Targaryen and the North have in common?

Right now, they're both getting a few inches of Snow.

Once the North Korean leader dies, who will take his place?

His next of Kim

Why did the north Korean flea to South Korea?

To find his Seoul mate

I tried to explain my joke to the North-sentinelese

But these guys just won't get it.

I was visiting the country to the north of the US and forgot how to spell its name. So I asked a local and he said

C, eh

N, eh

D, eh

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump, Putin and Merkel were standing at the North Sea and arguing which country has the best submarines...

Trump, Putin and Merkel were standing at the North Sea and arguing which country has the best submarines.

Trump: "Our submarines are the best! They can stay under water for 4 months without the need to refuel!"

Putin: "Pah! That's nothing! Our submarines can stay under water for 1 year...

A North Korean Soldier Walks Into A Bar

The bartender asks, "How's it going?" The North Korean soldier replies, "Can't complain!"

Why is it so hard to be a detective in the North Pole?

Everything is a cold case.

If you're ever lost in the woods, just look up at the sky for the North Star.

Its twinkling will comfort you as you die.

What did the Italia airship do when it crashed in the North Pole on May 25th, 1928?

It broke the ice. Nice to meet you :)

An ocean liner is sailing in the North Atlantic and hits an iceberg.

As the ship is sinking, one crewman runs to the ship’s captain and tells him to open the root beer caskets in the ship’s hold.

The captain is confused but has no other options, so he orders all of the ship’s root beer caskets cut open. The root beer floods the hold and the ship slowly stops s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Kanye West and the North Korean people have in common?

Both are regularly fucked by Kim.

With all of the shows such as Black-ish, Mixed-ish, and Grown-ish, TV executives have announced a new show about the people of an island in the North Atlantic.

They are going to call it Ir-ish.

What is the North Korean equivalent of a Gallon?

One Supreme Litre.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope announces he's kicking all the Jews out of Rome...

Outraged, the Jewish community call for a chance to debate the Pope and fight to stay.


They elect their best Rabbi and he travels to the Vatican to sit down with the Pope and plead for the Jews right to stay in Rome.


Since the Pope only speaks Latin and the Rabbi only s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My nickname in the North Pole is 'comma'

I had sex with Santa's wife and separated the clauses

Why don't we need a compass at the North Pole?

Because every direction is south.

What’s the favorite video game of the North Vietnamese?

Viet Pong

Riddle: A flat-earther and a round-earther enter a maze at the same time. They each have a compass, and both know that the exit is on the North end of the maze. Which one exits the maze first?

The round-earther exits first, because the flat-earther died of measles while inside.

If anyone in the North East U.S. gets a chance to look at the moon tonight

It's completely out of this world.

I'm going to make 2 companies. Competing with Microsoft will be Megahard. Competing with The North Face will be The South End.

Now to make the logos...

A North Korean, a Uiyghur, and a covid-denier are driving through the desert...

A North Korean, a Uiyghur, and a covid-denier are driving through the desert when their car breaks down. Each of them agrees to take one item as they have to continue through the desert on foot.

The North Korean and the covid-denier ask the Uiyghur what he is going to take. He responds, "I wi...

A polar bear who lived in the North Pole for 30 years decided he had enough of the cold.

So he started his trek towards somewhere warmer.

He rode a fishing boat to Canada and tried his luck there, but it was still too cold.

So he tried his luck again in Florida, but it was too hot.

Finally, he went to Ecuador and tried his luck there, only to discover how warm it is...

Hey! You know, they've started offering free meditation retreats at the North Pole!

Turns out the Christmas elves are really present minded.

What’s the North Korean leader’s favorite periodic element?

Un un quadium. Then, uranium

A British ship is sinking in the north sea and calls the nearest coast guard station.

The German coast guard station gets the message, RMS sea lion taking on water and we are sinking. A minute passes and they get a response....Vell, vat are you sinking about?

Can he tame the crazy dictator from the North?

The whole world is hoping for Kim Jong-Un.

Why is the North Pole always so wet?

Because of rain, dear.

What did the South Korean flag holder say to the North Korean holder after the ceremony?

Hey, let's grab some lunch! I bet you're starving!

Do you know the difference between the North and the South?

Well, in the south, when you say your cousin's coming, that has two different meanings.

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