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The Nation Jokes

Why is the National Rifle Association filing for bankruptcy?

Because schools are closed.

Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo...

We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds...

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An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money

She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.

After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wished to deposit i...

What's the national bird of Syria

A US drone

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The National Anthem

A drunk guy’s watching the World Series at the bar. The game hasn’t even started and the dude’s already pretty wasted. They just finished singing the National Anthem when the guy says to the bartender, “I betcha $500 I can fart the National Anthem.”

The bartender seeing some easy money take...

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The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild:

The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild:
Since he was a chief in modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Never...

What's the nationality of someone with many knees?

Polynesian

I wish they would stop playing the national anthem before games

I'm not unpatriotic; I just don't like country music.

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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculatio...

The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking,

but the invention of the broom swept the nation.

I wanted to watch the National Origami Competition the other day...

...but couldn't because it was paper view.

What is the National Sport of the United States of America?

Depends on which one is on TV right now.

I was on a first date recently and the girl told me she really liked the national emblem of China

I thought, well that’s a red flag.

There's a University called the National University of Science and Technology

It's not called the National University of Technology and Science, because that would be NUTS.

What is the national dish of Russia?

Empty

I visited the National Air and Space Museum.

I believe the title is misleading because it's actually full of stuff.

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Jeff Bezos: "Alexa, send nudes to my secret admirer."

Alexa: "Got it. Sending nudes to the National Enquirer."

I just read an article that Texas is number one in the nation for both depression and infidelity in relationships.

It's a sad state of affairs.

advisor: Mr. President, you need to give a Christmas address to the nation.

Trump: Just tell them to send my presents to Mar-a-Lago.

~11 year old joke, but I still think it's funny: What's the national bird of Afghanistan?

*"DUCK!!"*

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Trump is really bringing the nation together...

Everyone I know seems to be rallying behind "Fuck Trump".

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian were arguing about the nationality of Adam and Eve.

‘They must have been English,’ declared the Englishman. Only a gentleman would share his first apple with a woman.’

‘They were undoubtedly French,’ said the Frenchman. ‘Who else could seduce a woman so easily?’

‘I think they were Russians,’ said the Russian. ‘After all, who else could ...

I can’t be in the national organ donor program.

I just don’t have the guts.

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Each year I eagerly anticipate this day so I can share my favorite Dad Joke of all time:

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This wo...

How do we know that the US founding fathers were pro-mexican?

The national anthem doesn't say: "Hey Frank, look over there!"
Instead it says: "Jose can you see."

I read an article that said over half of the paintings in the National Gallery are counterfeit.

It was fake news.

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The great detective Herlock Sholmes was hired to investigate the disappearance of one of the most important political figures in the nation.

He was quickly briefed on the current situation: at two in the morning, a young woman named Andrea had been captured by an unknown party. Now normally, a kidnapping wouldn’t be something to call in the great Herlock Sholmes for, but Andrea was a special case.

In the nation of Modgasia, the go...

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Raunchiest joke I told when I was younger (NSFW)

A beautiful woman approaches a man at a bar and offers him a proposition "For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time." The man figures he can get some head and actually get paid for it, so he obliges. The woman takes him into the closet, starts sucking, and sur...

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The nation's top medical experts were asked today if it was time to ease the COVID restrictions.

Allergists were in favour of scratching it.

Dermatologists advised not to make any rash decisions.

Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.

Neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians thought the government was labouring under a misconcept...

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An anti-Establishment joke from India

A vagrant, finding no place on the pavement, parked himself at the feet of a statue of Mahatma Gandhi. At midnight he was woken up by someone gently tapping him with his stick. It was the Mahatma himself. ‘You Indians have been unfair to me,’ complained the benign spirit. "You put my statues everywh...

Name the nation people hate most

Examination

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This thing is closing schools, paralyzing the nation and fucking new yorkers

We need to call it COVID9/11

A man calls the National Security Agency...

Man: Hello, I heard you record all our phone conversations, is that correct?

Agent: No sir, we don't do that

Man: Oh shoot. I was just talking to my wife and she gave me a list of things to do and I can't remember! I thought I would check with you rather than call her back and let her ...

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NSFW The National Anthem and a blowjob

While at lunch, Joe tells Phil that he hooked up with someone the previous night. Joe mentions that the woman he hooked up with (let's call her Ann) gave him some of the best head he's ever had. Curious about this amazing blowjob, Phil asks Joe what made it so special. Joe then says that Ann sang th...

Why shouldn't you get the national bird of the USA sick?

Because it'll be an ill eagle action.

The United Nations world-wide survey

The United Nations sent out a survey to all the nations in the different continents of the world.

The survey went like this:

"We want your honest opinion on how to find a solution to the food shortage in the rest of the world"

The survey of course, turned out to be a total and a...

The invention of the broom may have swept the nation...

... but the invention of the Galaxy Note 7 really set the world on fire

House Speaker: I now invite Bill de Blasio, the president of the United States to give his address to the nation.

Bill de Blasio : 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington DC. Thank you!!

I heard the Republican Party is considering renaming itself as the National Conservative party

Or Nat-C for short

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A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says "I'm not going to leave my home, God will protect me".

The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him.

The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just...

How the nation of Canada got named.

There was much polite arguing about what to name the country. So they decided to draw letters from a hat. The first letter was a "C", so the announcer says "C, eh". The next letter drawn was an "N", and he says "N, eh"...

I told this joke on /r/politics recently, figured I would share it here...

The white-throated dipper is the national bird of Norway, the mute swan is Denmark's, and the blackbird is Sweden's,

these are the Scandinavians.

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What is the national martial art of Israel?

Jew jitsu

I wanted to join the National Mens Association

But got rejected because I was born a broad

The National poetry contest

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a red-neck from Southeast Tennessee A & M. The rules of the conte...

What was my prize for coming first in the National "Thinnest Arms" competition.

Atrophy.

Whats the national dish of ethiopia? Dont know?

Neither do they.

The national bird of prey hospice had their annual play shut down by the authorities.

Apparently it was an ill-eagle act.

Mississippi's Education/Testing scores are the worst in the nation...

yep, we're ranked 53rd.

What Is The National Bird Of Pakistan..

***General Atomics MQ-1 Predator***

I recently came fourth in the National Weatherman Awards

I won a trophy for precipitation.

Putin

It was in the news recently that Putin was visiting a school in Moscow to promote the nations power on the world wide stage.
The children were allowed to ask questions before lunch.

Little Alina speaks up and says to Putin...

“I have two questions”

“Why did Russia take Crim...

The National Guillotine Convention promoted me

I'm now the head

The shovel is a ground breaking invention, but it was the invention of the broom that truly swept the nation by storm. However, the invention of the wheel got things rolling...

And I’m just here wondering why our feet smell and our nose run...

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An art student is visiting the National Gallery in Wales.

About halfway around, they spot a large painting of three black men sitting on a bench, all three buck naked. Even more strangely, the one in the middle has an entirely pink penis.

A curator sees the art student observing the painting and approaches.

“Fascinating, isn’t it?” He says. ...

What genre is the National Anthem?

Country Music

A reporter asked the president why the National Mint had been shut down

The president paused for a moment, then shrugged and said, “It just made cents.”

Why did Trump push for Congress to change the national bird after seeing one get sick in a zoo?

He hates ill eagles.

At the national poetry contest finals,...

The final two contestants were a harvard educated english professor and a redneck from the hills of Alabama. The final task was to write a 4 line poem containing the word timbuktu. Each finalist was given 5 minutes to come up with a poem

After they were given some time to think, the finals ...

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Old lady enters the National Bank's building...

...with a bag full of bank notes and asks to talk with the president of said bank. She says there's a lot of money to talk about, so the employees reluctantly allow the lady to meet with the president. When they meet, he asks the old lady how much money she wants to put in the bank.

"165,000 ...

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A little old lady walked into the National Bank & Trust... LONG

She walked up to the secretary of the president of the bank and asked to see him. The secretary told the bank president that there was a woman here to see him and he said to send her in.

Bank president says, "Well hello there madam, how may I help you today, do you need help with your acco...

Today I won the National Laziness Championship!

What did you win?

Atrophy

A Meteorologist working with the National Weather Service goes to his boss...

He says, “Boss, I need a transfer out of Florida. Please send me anywhere but Florida.”

The boss says, “Well, why’s that Bill? What’s wrong with Florida?”

The meteorologist says, “The weather in Florida just doesn’t agree with me.”

Did you see Mike Pence left the Colts game because the players knelt for the national anthem?

He was quoted as saying "I won't stand for this" on the way out

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An old lady walks into the national bank of Canada...

An old lady walks into the national bank of Canada with a large bag full of money and demands to see the CEO of the bank. After many arguments, she set a meeting with the CEO of the bank and goes to see him.

When she gets into has office she claims she has loads of money in cash and that she ...

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