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The Body Jokes

What did the food critic say after tasting the Body of Christ?

Very savioury.

I am a man trapped inside the body of a woman.

I will never keep lube and glue in the same drawer ever again.

I’m a 40 year old with the body of a 20 year old...

Any tips for burying him?

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In her tinder profile she said she's 32 but also that she has the body of a 16 year old.

But when I asked if I could see a photo she said I need to wait till tomorrow as she is naked and doesn't want to go to the freezer in the basement when it's already so late.

I'm 36 but have the body an 18-year-old

The police are pretty upset about it.

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While examining the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."


The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase.

When he gets home, he decides to ...

My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old.

Until she checked the freezer.

I'm a 40-year old with the body of a 20-year old.

Just need to find a place to bury her.

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The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge...

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."


"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."


"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Bec...

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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The morti...

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My wife told me she wanted the body of a stripper.

But she screamed when I brought her one.

My girlfriend wishes I had the body of Thor, but I already do...

She just hasn't seen Endgame yet

A redneck's father passed away in his sleep. So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body. The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"

What part of the body dies last?

The pupils, they dilate

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The Most Important Body Part

One day the different parts of the body were having an
argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most
important and I should be in charge."

The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you
know where we are, so I'm the m...

My friend says he has the body of a Greek God...

I had to explain to him Buddha wasn't Greek

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what's the most sensitive part of the body when masturbating?

The ears.

My doctor said he thought I had the body of a 25 year old.

So naturally I had to kill him and bury him next to it.

My wife just told me she has the body of a teenager.

I guess she found out about me and the babysitter.

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My wife has the body of a porn star...

..which is kind of creepy and takes up a lot of room in the fridge.

What has the head of a dog, the body of a pig, and the legs of a spider?

My daughter's drawing of a snake.

Why did the body builder buy expired protein powder?

There was no other whey.

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The body of the recently deceased Sausage Tycoon will be cremated next week..

5 minutes on each side, it's what he would have wanted

My girlfriend has the body of a Greek Godess;

Imaginary

Which part of the body do the Chinese care most about ?

The knee



cause they always greet each other by asking



knee how ?

At 98 years old, my grandfather had the body of a 27 year old.

Unfortunately, the police found it.

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Boss of the Body

The different parts of the body were arguing about who should be the Boss of the body.

The brain said "I do all of the thinking and Strategies , I should be the boss"

The Eyes said "I provide vision and allow us to see what is going on"

The legs said "I provide mobility and Tran...

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Why did Saturday and Sunday win the body-building competition?

Because Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday are week days.

Me: the victim is 6’1”; his body has already turned into a ghost.

Police officer: Sir, that’s just a sheet we covered the body with.

What is soft, squishy, can be stimulated, and typically slightly darker than the rest of the body?

Your pupil.

I thought, "What organ in the body is the most important?"

The immediate answer was, "The brain". That makes sense....................

Wait a minute, what organ in the body is telling me that?!

I went to the Jail doctor who told me (age 62) that I had the body of a 30 year old...

I told them that I wasn't saying anything until I talked to my Lawyer.

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A lesson about the parts of the body

One day the parts of the body were arguing about who should be in charge.

The legs said, “Well I carry you all everywhere so I should be in charge!”

The arms said, “Well I get all the stuff for the body so I should be in charge!”

The lungs said, “Well I get all the oxygen for th...

I used to tell everyone I have the body of a Greek God.

But then I learn Buddah wasn't greek

Did you know piranhas can eat up the body entirely upto the bones in 45 seconds ? Me neither.

Anyway, I lost the job at the aquarium.

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Golf Joke...What do you call the part of the body in between the vagina and rectum?

The driving range, because that’s where you hit your balls

Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough, but we need you to ID the body.

Me looking at the corpse: *takes a deep breath* Are-are you over 21?

Scientists have demonstrated that nerves spread throughout the body are related to human personality.

For example, if a subjects arms are removed, that subject becomes much less likely to volunteer for science tests.

My dad works for a company that focuses on the health of the lower 3/4 of the body, and yesterday he just became the CEO.

Now he's the Head of Shoulders, Knees, and Toes!

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Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?

This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

“I’m 17 and have the body of a 5 year old”

My date: “prove it”
Me: *opens freezer*

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I'm 45 and have the body of a 25 year old model!

She's in my basement, any suggestions?

My girlfriend didn't believe me when I said I have the body of 20 year old

Her opinion changed when I opened the freezer

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
...

My brother was murdered today

cop: do you mind identifying the body \[puts hand on my shoulder\] I have to warn you the body was hacked up.

me: \[tearing up\] yes that's my brother Reese.

cop: you're sure?

me: \[nodding\] those are Reese's Pieces.

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My dating profile says " I'm 50 years old,but I have the body of a swimmer, the arms of a weight-lifter and the dick of a teenager."

The women that come over aren't too pleased when I open the freezer and show my collection.

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Who's the boss of the body?

One day, certain parts of the body got into an argument over who was in charge. The eyes said "well, we're in charge because without us, the body wouldn't be able to interact with the world."

"Are you kidding??" Said the legs. "Without us, you eyes would have nothing to see except a ceiling. ...

Why was the body builder playing with knives?

Because he wanted to get cut

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The Boss Of The Body (not mine)

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We s...

What part of the body goes to heaven first?

In Sunday school, Sister Mary asked the class: "What part of the body goes to heaven first?"

In the back of the class, nasty Billy waved his hand frantically, but Sister Mary, suspecting a wrong answer, turned to another child.

"Yes, Susan?"

"The heart goes to heaven first beca...

Will the detectives find the body?

Remains to be seen.

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The organs of the body are trying to decide who should be in charge, the brain says 'I control all the information to and from the body, I'm the obvious choice' the lungs say 'well you can't do any of that without me, so I should lead' finally the rectum says 'I do waste disposal, I should lead' ...

All the other organs laugh at the rectum, in protest the rectum tightens right up. Soon the lungs and brain feel awful and are struggling to work, as are all the other organs, to appease the rectum they name it in charge.

Moral of the story is, the arsehole is always in charge.

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In the beginning, when Man was first created, all the members of the body held a meeting to decide who should be in charge.

The brain said that it should be in charge because it had the power of decision making and so controlled what everything else in the body did.

The eyes pointed out that they were the ones who saw everything, including whatever objectives the brain was going to decide to pursue, so they shou...

The Body Acceptance Movement really died quick

It seems like anti-bodies are all the rage right now

My wife has the body of a woman half her age.

I suppose I should call the police.

The doctor said I had the body of a man half my age...

...but the police pathologist said he was more like 2/3 once they'd defrosted him

Most Fascinating Part of the Body

I used to think the brain was the most fascinating part of the body but then i realized "pssssh, look what's telling me that"

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Parts of the body having a debate.

One day all the body parts are gathered together to discuss who amongst them should be the leader.

The brain steps forward and says "I should be the leader for i am the cleverest. I keep everyone organized and find solutions to problems."

Everyone is quite impressed until the heart st...

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To all the hot women out there: I may be 50 years old,but I have the body of a 25 year old model with a 12 inch dick

In my freezer.

Why is the right side of the body more important than the left?

Because if you're missing your left side you'll still be all right.

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A science teacher asks her class of sixth graders, “students, what is a part of the body that when stimulated can grow ten times its size?”

Tattletale Susan gets angry in the back and yells, “teacher, that’s a dirty question! You can’t be asking questions like that! I’m gonna have my parents tell the principal and we’re gonna get you fired!”

The teacher ignores her and repeats the question, “alright class, what is a part of the b...

A trial for murder is being held and all the evidences indicate that the defendant is guilty But the body has never been found

Just before the sentence is concluded his astute lawyer stands up and says: "ladies and gentlement, the deceased will enter the room in a few minutes".

There is a sudden commotion after these things were said. A few minutes pass then some more and no one has entered the room.

After a...

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All of the organs of the body ...

All of the organs of the body got together to decide who should be their leader. The brain made it's argument first: "I am the center of consciousness and all thought. Clearly, I'm best suited for the job." Then the heart spoke up: "Regardless of how brilliant the thought or idea may be, without hea...

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When God created man, all of the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.

The Brain said that since he controlled the body that he should be boss.

The Eyes said that without them man would be helpless, they should be boss.

The Legs said that since they took man wherever he wanted to go, they should be boss.

The Stomach said that since it digested the ...

"Detective, we found the body eviscerated under an altar made of antlers."

Detective: "Dear, God..."

Officer: "Yeah, probably."

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