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Ted Cruz Jokes

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If you put Greg Abbott, Ted Cruz, and Rick Perry together in a room, who's the first to realize they're full of shit?

The room.

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I bet Ted Cruz has two twitter accounts now. one for porn, and one to talk about the laws he's passing...

Either way a woman's getting fucked

You see Ted Cruz.

That's how you defend your wife.

Ted Cruz has aborted his campaign

..but I say he should be forced to carry it to full term

Why as it important for Ted Cruz to be in Cancun while Texas is freezing?

Reptiles require sunlight.

ted cruz, greg abbott, and the uvalde swat team run into a bar

because they heard a car backfire

Why do people instantly hate Ted Cruz?

Because it saves time. (I stole this joke from the news last night)

What would Ted Cruz have done in the school shooting if he was the responding police officer?

He would have packed his bags and leave for Cancun, citing his daughters don't go that school.

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Ted Cruz left the Navy 9/11 memorial service early...

He only had time to meet a handful of semen.

What's the difference between Ted Cruz's wife and an insurrection?

Ted Cruz would never defend his wife.

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What’s the difference between Ted Cruz and a 300lb piece of festering shit filled with corn?

The corn.

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What do Ted Cruz and Donald Trump's dad have in common?

They both waited too long to pull out.

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A poll was taken by 2,000 prostitutes asking if they would have sex with Ted Cruz.

91% said ‘Never Again”.

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Donald, Scott, Ted & a Mexican guy are walking on a beach...

Donald Trump, Scott Walker, Ted Cruz & a Mexican guy are walking along a beach when They notice a lamp in the sand. All 4 men reach for it at the same time.

Upon touching it, a genie pops out. The genie says: "Normally, I'd grant 3 wishes to one person, but since you've all touched the ...

Ted Cruz releases three new campaign promises:

Ted Cruz may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.

Ted Cruz must obey orders given him by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Promise.

Ted Cruz must protect his own existence as long as such protection d...

Hillary, Trump, and Cruz walk into a bar

Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump, and Ted Cruz walk into a bar on Christmas Eve.

Hillary tells the bartender: "Good evening, my man! Pour me a drink, I'm tired and thirsty from all the campaigning."

Donald Trump then says: "Merry Christmas! I want a drink too."

He then looks clos...

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We now know with 100% certainty that Ted Cruz is not the biological father to his children.

He always pulls out when it gets hard.

Every time Ted Cruz says something...

is a Ted talk

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What do Ted Cruz and an impotent Japanese man have in common?

Neither can achieve an election

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Ted Cruz takes his religious values very seriously

He always pulls out before finishing

While visiting India , Donald Trump is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam.

While visiting India , Donald Trump is invited
to tea with Abdul Kalam. He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to surround himself with intelligent people.
Trump asks how he knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says ...

I'm the most hated person in the Senate

Ted Cruz: I'm the most hated person in the Senate.

Susan Collins: Hold my beer.

Brett Kavanaugh: Who said beer?

Twitter repost @Amanda_Kerri

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are sitting in a bar

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are sitting in a bar. The bartender sees them chatting, so he goes over to them and says "Wow, what an honor to have the two of you here! What are you guys talking about?"

Trump responds with "We are planning our tactics for World War III."

Curious, the barten...

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Yup! It got me...

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Trump and Cruz sitting over there?' The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'

So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?'

Cruz says, 'W...

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