This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
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True story, my younger son called my older son "stupid"...

wife: "We don't call people the 's-word' in this house!"

me: "Yes. Don't call people 'stupid'. That's r€tarded."

wife: \*stink eye\*

son: \*helpless giggles despite determination not to laugh at anything Dad says\*

I was fired for sending one of my students to detention "for being tardy".

I guess special education just isn't for me

Today, I came home early to find my wife in bed

"Oh you're home early!" she said and started turning red. I had a joke for her and so I said

"Did you know yuri said I was hot?" My wife immediately asked

"Who's yuri?"
Then the guy under the covers said "Yuri-tarded!" And started laughing.

Magic Beer

A pretty blonde walks into a bar and asks the handsome fellow at the bar what he’s drinking.

He says, “Magic beer. You want one?”
“Aw, that’s stupid. There’s no such thing” she says.
“Look, I’ll show you”. He takes a big swig and proceeds to throw himself out of a nearby window, where h...

I did not last more than a day as a teacher in Spanish-American school for mentally challenged

Apparently” Buenos, tardes!” is not an appropriate greeting

I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.

But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.

Did you hear about that stupid fisherman that nobody likes?

He was a real bass-tard...

What do you call a dumb gamer?

A wii-tard

If the United States government had a reality TV show...

It would be called House of Tards.

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