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Shrugged Jokes

I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!" He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad." I continued...

"It’s cutting hedge technology!"

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!" He replied, "Of course! Take the afternoon off." When I returned to work the next day, he came to my desk, smiled and asked, "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?" I shrugged, "I don't know..."

"I'll tell you in nine months!"

The prisoner pleaded, "I'm sorry I tried to escape!" The guard shrugged and sighed, "I'm not mad, just disappointed." Remember kids...

...never let your guard down.

a bear walks into a bar and says, "give me a whiskey and... cola"

"why the big pause?" Asks the bartender.

The bear shrugged. "I'm not sure; I was born with them."

My music snob friend told me that The Doors had a lacklustre rhythm section. I asked him why he would say that, and he just shrugged his shoulders.

I told him I’m sick of hearing these bassless accusations.

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A Jewish guy and a Chinese guy or sitting in the bar when all of a sudden the Jewish guy walks over and punches the Chinese guy in the face.

"What the hell, man?"
"That was for Pearl harbor, asshole."
"That was the Japanese. I'm Chinese!"
"Japanese, Chinese, same thing."
The Jewish guy shrugged his shoulders and sat back down to his beer.

A few minutes ago by, when the Chinese guy walks over and punches the Jewish guy ...

I was at my bank today and there was just an Asian lady ahead of me

who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady say...

They say young men become obsessed with either "Atlas Shrugged" or "Lord of the Rings"

One is a fantasy that may cripple your ability to deal with reality, and the other is about orcs.

Two men were washed ashore during WWI.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast of an uninhabited island. As the older veteran worked to build a makeshift camp, the younger soldier managed to salvage a radio, and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded withi...

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filthy old man

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a cliff, about to jump off.

An old homeless man who was wandering by stopped and said

"Look since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a quickie before you go?"

She screamed "NO! Fuck off y...

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I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.

"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"

"To buy groceries," I told him.

"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles ...

For years, I've suspected my wife of adding soil to my garden and when I asked her about it, she just giggled and shrugged...

The plot thickens...

In heaven, there were two huge signs. The first read, Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do....

The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see.

The second sign stated, Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do. Only one man stood under that sign.

Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, “No one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself"

The...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. I mean you haven't done a...

A businessman turned to a colleague and asked, "So, how many people work at your office?" His friend shrugged and replied,

"Oh about half of them."

Two lawyers went into a diner and decided to order drinks

They felt hungry after a long day so they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat them.

The owner frustratedly marched over and told them, “listen, you're not allowed to eat your own sandwiches in here!”

The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders a...

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A young soldier was sent to the personnel office and assigned the task of registering recruits for life insurance.

Because of the cost, most soldiers didn't buy the life insurance, but after only 1 month on the job he had sold a record number of policies.

His captain noticed but thought it was a fluke. However, the following month, he doubled sales. A month later, when he set the army record for policies ...

I was in a new IT themed restaurant the other day...

When I walked in I could see the place decorated like the inside of a computer. The tables looked like motherboards, the placemats looked like keyboards, and the glasses looked like giant USB sticks. The host was there to greet me and he was dressed in the usual "nerd" attire - glasses, pocket prote...

A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunk in front of his bench. One day the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered "It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution and there hanged by the neck until DEAD."

The drunk promptly fainted.
The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at which time the judge shrugged and responded "I've always wanted to do that."

God boomed, "Adam, this is Eve!! You are to love her forever!" Adam replied, "Okay, but who is he?" God shrugged and muttered...

"Oh, that's Keith Richards. He was here when I got here."

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

When a man showed up at work an hour late for the second time in a week, his boss called him into her office. She asked “What’s your excuse this time?” He shrugged and said “I overslept.” “Damn it” she yelled, “at least tell me something I haven’t heard before!”

He replied, “You’re looking lovely today”

Last night I dreamed I was in Paris. The year was 1789.

I was poor and hungry. My clothes were in tatters. I was all alone.

Far away I saw the palace, and when the guards weren’t watching, I slipped inside.

I smelled food. I followed the smell.

There I saw the Queen, feasting on a huge banquet, with a dozen ladies of the court.
...

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A young man stopped at a local restaurant after a day of roaming around in Spain

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table.

It looked good.

It smelled good.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's te...

I walked into the dentist’s and whispered, “I think I’m a moth.” The dentist shrugged, “I don’t think you should be here. You need to see a psychiatrist.” I continued, “I am seeing a psychiatrist.” Puzzled, he asked, “What are you doing here then?” I explained...

“The light was on.”

My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50 and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars. I said, “That’s outrageous!”

He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”

A bear walks into a bar

A bear walks into a bar and sits by the counter, waiting for the bartender to attend to him.

Bartender asks. "What would you like to drink?"

The bear replies, " A whiskey and...."

The bartender raises an eyebrow.

The bear continues after a thought. "... And a coke"
<...

Socrates the philosopher

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"


"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It...

As we were heading through the grocery store checkout, my wife looked over at the candy and said, "Oh, Mentos! Let's get some!" I shrugged and said, "I already have Mentos." Puzzled, she asked, "Really? Where?"

"On my men feet!"

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It's Bill and Hillary Clinton's fiftieth anniversary...

As they sat over a candle lit dinner, Hillary made a confession. "Bill," she says. "You know that box in the basement you told me never to open?"
"Yes" says Bill.
"It had been bothering me for years and finally curiosity won over. I opened it."
Bill sighed in disappointment. Hillary asked...

Two American tourists were backpacking in Europe

..when a car pulled up next to them. The driver rolled down his window and asked in german:” Where is the nearest diner?”

The two Americans, not knowing a fraction of German, stared blankly at the driver. “Sorry, but we have no idea what you are saying.”

The driver tried again in Fr...

A father tucks his son in

A father goes upstairs to tuck his son into bed. As he reaches his son's door, he hears his son praying "Dear God please look after mum, dad, grandma and byebye grandad. The father thought the prayer was a little strange but nothing more. The next morning the family gets a phonecall that grandad had...

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I wanted to get to know the new priest at my church.

My priest and I agreed to go fishing. We sat there talking and waiting for a bite until, finally, the priest snagged a large fish. As I helped him pull it out of the water I said,"This is a big son of a bitch."

The priest stopped, "Son, why such salty language?"

Wanting to save face I ...

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

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A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks.

He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, “What’s the camel for?”


The Sergeant replied “Well sir it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel.”


The captain said “Well if it’s good for moral, then I guess it’s all rig...

Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health

From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan's side. It even learned to dig for clams.

One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week.

His wife answered the door.

"Sure..." his wife said. "It will cost you $500."

"That much?"...

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I was poking fun at my wife, and I apologized after, saying I was sorry for being a professional asshole.

She just shrugged and said "Nah, mediocre at best."

I met my new neighbor today. Turns out he's Swiss.

I told him I'd never met someone from Switzerland before, and asked what he likes most about his home country.

He shrugged. "I dunno. The flag's a big plus."

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So, back when my wife and I just started dating, I ran into her asshole ex in the bar.

He said "Hey there **Gil**, how you doing with that second-hand pussy?"

I shrugged and said "After the first two inches it's just like a new one."

I asked a blind date what she wanted to do for the evening...

She made what seemed like a very forward and provocative suggestion. Not one to turn down a lady, I shrugged and tore off her clothes and mine, and we made passionate love that lasted less than 2 minutes.

Afterwards, breathing heavily, she said "That was... Unexpected and amazing. But can we ...

"Who is John Galt?" I asked.

Atlas shrugged.

Since people are translating their native jokes, I hope no one has posted this yet

There were 3 boys who were being chased by the police. John the wise, Peter the smart, and Jose the dumb.


As the police were gaining on them, they each decided to hide in a box in an alley way.

The policeman ran up to John's Box and kicked it.

Thinking quickly, John said...

Mahatma Gandhi's sass

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a white professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him. Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected…. there were always “argum...

i was in Jerusalem for a holiday

Needing my cuppa of java i wandered into a cafe and was served by a male barista. I found it odd that there were no female Baristas so i made it a point to keep a lookout for them across the holy land.

From Starbucks to coffee club, from hipster cafes to neighborhood coffeehouses, not a femal...

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A Japanese woman went to the bank to exchange yen to US dollars.

The teller gave her $100. A few weeks later, she gave the teller the same amount of yen, but she was given only $90.

She said, "What wrong? I give yen, you only give 90 dorrah?!"

The teller shrugged and said "Fluctuations?"

The woman said "Fuck you white peopre too."

My boss came to me at lunch: "Where the hell have you been? I've been trying to find you all morning!"

I shrugged and said: "Good employees are hard to find."

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

An athiest wakes up in hell.

He looks around confused at the bright shining sun and the best beach party he's ever seen.
People are singing and dancing, laughing and playing, splashing in the crystal water and drinking, just having the best time.

Shortly the devil walks up to him wearing shorts, hat, and raising a g...

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And this is how men think...

A woman was in a long coma. A nurse was giving her a sponge bath, when she accidentally made contact with the woman's vagina, which produced a reaction on the heart monitor.

Excited, she went and told one of the Doctors, and he in turn called the woman's husband to tell him to come over as s...

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There was a man that bought a new pair of boots.

He was so proud of them, when he got home he walked up to his wife and said "notice any thing different?" she looked him over and just shrugged her shoulders. Mad as hell he stormed into the bathroom to admire them in the tall mirror, then took off every stitch of clothing bar the new boots. Butt na...

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Inspector Lee’s Technique

Inspector Lee was the finest detective in the city. Whenever the police were baffled, they called in Lee and his Foo dog to find out the identity of the criminal.

One day, the police were again baffled by a bank robber who had slipped into a crowd of people. They called in Lee and asked him ...

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