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Shortest Jokes

What do you think is history's SHORTEST joke? My submission is Miss Piggy's 2 worder :

"Pretentious? ...*MOI ?"*

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"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Holy shit this blew up

Shortest dad joke?

Person walks in the door: "hi!!"

Dad: "low!"

Shortest Blues song in the world...

Didn't wake up this morning.

Shortest TV series

Breaking Bad (Canada version)

What month is the shortest of the year?

May, it only has three letters.

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Which month do men jerk off the least?

February. Because it’s the shortest

Shortest conversation that led to a beat down

Wife: I have changed my mind
Husband: Is it working now?

The shortest joke in the world

'Dwarf Shortages'

Which President had the shortest term?

Grover Cleveland.

He was the twenty second President.

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What's the shortest organ in a goat?

An ISIS member's dick.

Which place has the shortest days

Italy as it turns on its axis the fastest.

The pilot and copilot are coming into LAX and they are nervous.

Sweat pouring off their brows, they bring the 737 down quickly. As soon as the wheels touch they throw the engines into reverse, stand on the brakes as hard as they can and cry "Stop! Please stop!" The plane stops an inch from the end of the runway. The pilot says "That was the shortest runway I eve...

A girl is walking through a cemetery at night

She’s a little nervous because it’s dark, but it’s the shortest way to get to her home.

Suddenly she hears a distinct tapping noise from the graves on her left. Her heart almost stops as she pauses mid-step. She hears it again - tap, tap, tap.

She screams and starts running down the ...

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The shortest tribe in the world

The Fuckawee tribe....In the long grass you can hear their chant...Where the Fuckawee!

Shortest birthday celebration?

My sixty-second birthday party.

The shortest joke ever

Two women were sitting quietly.

My friend asked me what the shortest joke I knew was.

I told him to look down.

The world's shortest dirty joke ...

Gynecologist found drug stash.

What are the three shortest words in the english language to describe the shortest thing in the human body?

Is it in?

The shortest Dad Joke in the world.

Driving down a country road with your kids in the back seat, point at a stack of hay bales on some random farm and exclaim:

>#“Hey!”

World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl
said, "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and hunting
and skied a lot and drank beer and left the toilet seat up and farted
whenever he wanted.

THE END

Worlds shortest horror story

The last man on earth sat alone in a room...... there was a knock on the door...

The shortest Irish joke in the world.

Two Irishmen walked out of a pub.

What is equally the shortest and longest sentence

I do, just two words that lasts a lifetime *at least it feels like it sometimes*

Shortest conversation between a girl and a doctor

Doctor: How are you doing ?

Girl: I don't know, you are the doctor.

Shortest joke a software developer can tell:

“I’ll be ready soon.”

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The world’s shortest tongue twister (which is kind of a joke right?) - the minimum 2 words long

Irish Wristwatch

Just pissed a lot of people off at work with this one

The shortest programmer joke goes like this:

"I'm almost done!"

Which baseball player has the shortest commute?

The catcher, he only works from home.

Why is Spider Man: Far From Home the shortest Spider Man movie?

Because there's no pizza time.

Known as the "one-day insect" the Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of all organisms...

But it still lives longer than my headphones.

The shortest person I've ever met was the divorced mother of a physicist

She was a single μm

Q: What's the shortest book ever written?

A: French War Heroes.

A joke from my country (Brazil)

In an international police convention, American FBI, English Scotland Yard and Brazilian BOPE are about to take part in a competition.

A rabbit will be set loose in the woods and the team that retrieves it in the shortest time wins.

First goes the Scotland Yard. They use hounds and hel...

I present to you the world's shortest poem, entitled "Fleas".

Adam had'em.

What is the shortest street in the universe?

Planckstrasse

Why were the prisoners of Alcatraz upset when the shortest inmate broke free by sliding down his homemade rope?

It was a little condescending.

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"An unknown plight" or "the shortest and worse joke i know"

Pedophiles have trouble fitting in.

Just witnessed the shortest ever dispute in court about a guy who supposedly stole a woman's bag.

It was a briefcase.

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[nsfw] Totally legit, but you can use a joke if you want to.

**Scene:** I was living in an apartment complex where all the bedroom windows faced into a small courtyard of sorts, walled on three sides with 3 stories of bedroom windows. None of the apartments in this complex have air-conditioning. It's close to midnight, December in Sydney AUS, it's a hot humid...

It's Christmas and the German Chancellor has a visit from a wish fairy. He has three wishes.

His first wish is that China declares war on Germany and sends its troops to the front by the shortest route.

The fairy is astonished, but complies with the wish. War is declared, but even after days no Chinese shows up.

The fairy now asks for the second wish. The chancellor wishes a s...

Two polish Pilots are trying to land a plane

They approach the ground, but they really struggle with the runway. The plane nearly crashes, but they finally are able to land it.

“Jesus,” one pilot says. “That was the shortest runway ever.”

“Yeah, and did you see how wide it was?”

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Three dwarves are sitting around having a few drinks

Dwarf #1 says:

Sometimes I get bummed out being a dwarf. But at least it is good for something. The other day I was flipping through the Guinness Book of World Records, and I found out that I have the shortest arms in the world.

The other two dwarves don't believe him. So they get a co...

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Guinness world record attempt !

Three roommates were hanging out in the living room one day, when one of them opened an email on their phone.

"Hey guys, the Guinness book of world records is coming to town! We should go get into it somehow!"

The shortest roommate, who was only 3 feet tall says "I'm going to go see if...

Snow White, a dwarf and Freddy Krueger are having an argument

Snow White says "I'm the most beautiful person in the world! I know it!" The dwarf says "Stop lying, of course you're not! But I'M the shortest person on this earth." Freddy Krueger says "Well, I'm the ugliest person on earth!" Snow white says "Guys, stop arguing! We can just go to the magic mirror ...

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.

He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk around without any panties on."

The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks w...

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American Records

3 Americans sit in the Office of Guinness Book of Records, talking why they there.
The first flash his dick with 0.8 inches and said:"I have the shortest fick in the States".
The second shows his birth certificate, is 107 years old and said:"I am the oldest American"
The third flashes his ...

I haven't run a 5K for the longest time.

I usually try to go for the shortest.

Just made this up myself, but someone's probably come up with it before though...

Two marines are flying into an unfamiliar airport

The put the flaps up and descend lower, lower, lower and finally touch down. The brakes of the plane screeches and howl unlike anything you've ever heard. The plane comes to a stop just inches from the terminal. The pilot exlaims "that's the shortest damn runway I've ever seen". The co-pilot looks t...

The Shortcut

The shortest way from a pub towards the neighborhood was through a cemetery. One night, a man that was not that drunk, decides to take the shortcut but ends up falling into a freshly dug grave.

The grave was quite deep for him and the man lifted himself on the toes trying to feel the top edge...

In the 1930s, a farmer attempted to steal cows from a neighbouring farm.

He became a bit of a local legend. No one knew exactly why he stole them, and we still don’t know to this day. Some say he was just in a desperate situation, some say these cows had been abused and that he was rescuing them, some say he was just a greedy old farmer.

He attempted this great bo...

A University poses the following question to the best student in each subject:

A train crashes on the border between France and Germany. Where do you bury the survivors?

The Phyics student replied saying that, since a border is a 2 dimentional object and humans are 3D, they would have to be buried in both France and Germany simultaneously.

The Law student stated ...

These two dudes are lost in a stolen airplane, one said he was a pilot but who knows, anyway they need to land this hot airplane somewhere before they get low on gas

They're freaking out when all of the sudden they see a runway.

The guy on the controls says "There's the runway, bro!"

Other guy is like "Oh man I don't know that runway looks really short, dude."

The guy flying is like "No bro that is definitely a runway let's do this"
...

Two pilots are landing a plane.

Two pilots are preparing to land and they're coming in hot. The wheels touch the tarmac and before you know it they're off the other end. 100mph through the grass, the fence and they smash through the gates. Glass and bags go everywhere.

When they finally come to a stop the pilot looks at his...

An extremely close landing on an extremely short runway..

A plane is nearing its destination. The pilot turns to his co-pilot and remarks: "That looks like a really short runway." The co-pilot looks at it and says: "Yes, captain, its really short." 100 meters from the runway, the pilot communicates to the passengers and crew: "Fasten your seatbelts, this i...

Airport trouble

An airplane lands at an airport with great difficulty, stopping, just short of an accident. When they arrive at the gate, the captain wipes his brow and says,"My God that's the shortest runway I've ever seen!"
"You're not kidding" says his co-pilot, looking out of the window "but it sure is wi...

She called me "Fevereiro"

I started dating this gorgeous Brazilian girl.

One night, right after having slept with her for the first time, she started to call me *Fevereiro*.

I felt that nickname had a really cool latin vibe, so I went along with it.



After a few weeks, I asked her, "By the way, h...

Track and field is perfect for introverts.

The goal is the be there the shortest time possible.

"Fake News, inevitably, will be the end of us all!"

- Napoleon Bonaparte after Buzzfeed posted an article titled "10 Shortest Dynasties (Literally)"

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[Long] 3 Vampire had a challenge...

They were so competitive that one of them decided that they should do a challenge. The challenge was they had to kill as many people they could in the shortest time. The first vampire flew and came back 5 minutes later. "Do you see that small village?" it asked, "Yes" the other 2 replied. "I killed ...

Actual Russian Joke

Four Russians were being pulled in a sleigh by a team of horses in the dead of winter when they noticed a pack of wolves had started chasing them and were slowly gaining.

They knew they needed to lighten the sled so they drew straws and the one with the shortest straw blessed Russia and leapt...

Best Women in Europe

An Englishman, A Frenchman and a Russian are debating who has the best women.

The Englishman says, "English women are the best. When they sit on a horse their feet can touch the ground. It's not because our horses are short, but because English women have the longest legs in all of Europe!"...

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Three little people are sitting at a bar.

The first little person says, "I have pretty small feet, more so than anybody else I know. In fact, I think I could make the Guinness World Record for smallest feet."

The second says, "I have never met a grown man as short as I am. I think I'll go to apply with Guinness for the 'world's short...

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An american,an indian and a nepalese soldier

An american,an indian and a nepalese soldier got into a argument over who could hunt a tiger in shortest time.
The american went to the jungle and returned 3 days later with a tiger,and started gulping down his beer.
The nepalese went to the jungle and returned 1 week later with a dead tiger,a...

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My Grocery Store Experience

5-7min read. Based on a true story.

---

I was at the grocery store yesterday picking up some ingredients to make breakfast for the week. I already had a few essentials picked out like Milk, Eggs, & Bacon. Yes, Bacon is an essential. I moved to the cereal aisle but got stuck decidin...

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There are 2 pilots in a cockpit

… and they are getting ready to land the plane. The weather is extremely poor outside and the landing is quite rough but they manage to get the plane down safely. Once on the ground the co-pilot turns to the captain and says "Damn, that was the shortest runway I've ever seen" the captain replies "...

Sentences

A man is at a bar and says, "did you know that 'I am' is he shortest sentence in the English language?"

The bartender exclaims, "Did you know 'I do' is the longest one?"

(Was in the comics today so I thought I would share.)

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Tractors

So there's this guy who loves tractors. Ever since he was young and his father sat him upon one of these beastly machines, he's been in love with them. Growing up, he bought toy tractors, he drew tractors, he even had tractor wallpaper.

As he got older, he eventually bought a tractor with hi...

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A Jock goes to the doctor, worried that he pulled a muscle.

Based on the activities that the jock describes doing, the doctor determines the most likely place of injury is his ass.

"I have a simple method of determining whether or not you've pulled a muscle. Try contracting the muscles of that area in a manner that you don't normally contract them. ...

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International Police Competition

The UN holds an international police competition at a national park somewhere in Europe. The participating countries are France, Germany, and Turkey. The competition rules are whichever national police team catches a wild rabbit in the forest in the shortest amount of time wins the grand prize.
<...

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A German, Dutchman and Englishman have an argument over who's the manliest of all of them.

The Dutchman comes up with a contest. They have to complete 3 tasks, the person completing these tasks in the shortest amount of time, is the manliest of the trio. The 3 tasks are as follows:

-Climb up a coconut tree, grab a coconut, crack it, empty the coconut of it's milk.

-Kill a li...

Idiot pilots - an old one if you haven't heard it . . .

Two idiot pilots are coming-in for a landing.

"Give me 10% flaps," the pilot says.

"Okay, 20% now."

"And, 30%."

"Hey it looks like we're coming in pretty fast," the co-pilot says.

"Yeah, give me 40% flaps."

"Better make that 50%."

"Whoa, this isn't go...

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New weights and measures

1. The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with Go...

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Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night with Paddy the Pilot and Seamus the co-pilot.

As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window.

"B'jeesus" said Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is".

"You're not fookin kiddin Paddy", replied Seamus.

"Dis is gonna be one a de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see" said Paddy.

"...

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The real joke

A man was abducted one night by aliens. After the new broke out, US authorities began to contact the aliens using a breakthrough technology. The whole world had eyes on the US government to save the man. After much discussion between the two races, the US government actually pissed off the aliens th...

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