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Pointy Jokes

I met a ninja and asked if he could throw those pointy stars that ninjas have.

He said, "shuriken."

Why was Sean Connery wearing pointy ears on stage in Las Vegas?

He was impersonating Elvish.

Have you noticed that small men often wear pointy red hats?

... it’s a little gnome fact

What's orange, has a pointy head, and can take someone to the top?

An upvote.

What do you call a little guy in a pointy hat on a train saying "tick tick tick"?

A metro-gnome

The other night I tried to kill a vampire with a really big pointy stick, but my aim was terrible.

It was a giant missed stake.

A man finds himself in a jungle surrounded by cannibals…

Seeing no possible way to escape, he says to himself, “Oh God, I’m screwed!”

Suddenly a light shines down from the heavens upon the man and he hears the voice of God, and God says, “No my son. You’re not screwed. You see the rock on the ground next to you? The pointy one? Take it and throw i...

If Mr. Spock has pointy ears, what does Mr. Scott have?

Engineers

A man sat on a baguette pointy end up.

He claimed it was "a pain in the ass".

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What do you call a small flaccid penis with pointy head?

Microsoft edge

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The billionaire and the mermaid whisperer

A billionaire is sailing his yacht past a lighthouse, and he sees the elderly lighthouse keeper out on the rocks at the base of the lighthouse, getting a blowjob from a mermaid - the top half was a stunning, curvy redhead, and the bottom half was a tiger shark. As he watches, the pair finish the act...

While playing blackjack at my local casino, the pit boss came up to me and asked what the count was.

I replied "he's a purple Muppet with pointy teeth, but that's not important right now."

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My girlfriend is the most racist person I've ever met.

Even her clitoris has a pointy hood.

What starts with N, has two Gs in the middle, and has no business wearing a pointy white hood?

Your noggin

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Two nuns are travelling down a road late at night

And suddenly a vampire jumps out in front of the car.

The first nun says to the second nun,

"Quick! Show him your cross!"

the second nun then leans out the window and shouts,

"Get the fuck out the way, you pointy mouthed weirdo!"

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Two nuns are driving down a dark, winding road in rural Romania. . .

when they turn a corner to see a vampire hovering over what appears to be a body in the middle of the road. It looks up and hisses as the headlights illuminate blood-covered fangs.

Sister Mary looks at Sister Elizabeth and says, "What should I do?"

Sister Elizabeth answers, "Show him y...

It was Halloween in a southern town in the USA.

A Boy wanted to wear a costume for Halloween but he didn't own any so he went to his Mother to ask her to go shopping in order to get one. But her mother said, "Oh I think your Father had a ghost costume at home, let me get it!" She later returned and put the costume on the Boy. The Boy said, "The c...

My Dad Goes To The Orthodontist

When he gets there, the Dentist asks, "Are you here for your teeth appointment?"

"No," Dad replies. "I'm here for my teeth alignment. Why would I need pointy teeth?"

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The Legend of the King Sperm

So one day, all the sperm in a guy’s nuts were having a meeting.

“We always wait for our moment to shine, our shot to glory land, to do our mission, but we get stopped by the latex barrier! We never get to fulfill our duty!”

Thousands of sperm moaned and complained.

“But today, ...

Two blondes are building a house

As they're hammering away, one blonde notices that the other is discarding every other nail she picks up.

Blonde 1: What are you doing?!

Blonde 2: These nails are no good. The pointy part is on the wrong end.

Blonde 1: You dumbass! Those are for the other side of the house!

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Terrorist lessons

there is a school in afghanistan where people get teached how to be a terrorist;

the first day the teacher pick up some liquids and write a formula on the chalkboard "one part the yellow liquid, 2 parts the green liquid and 25g of this black powder"
everyone take notes and see the teacher ...

Ned and Fred, the Idiot Brothers...

Ned & Fred were building a house. Ned was putting up siding. He would take a nail out of his pouch, inspect it, sometimes hammer it in, other times, toss it into the trash.

Fred saw this, went over and said "What are you doing, tossing out perfectly good nails!?"

Ned explained, ...

I used to hate going to weddings

Remember when you’d go to a wedding and all the old dears and grannies would come up to you - they’d start poking you in the ribs with their pointy fingers and say ‘you’re next, you’re next’ with a big grin on their face...

Well I put an end to all of that - I started doing the same thing bac...

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I think Oranges were named before Carrots

"What are these?"

"They're orange....oranges"

"What about these"

"Shit....long pointys???"

Demitri Martin

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jYVrp_GsinE

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Blonde joke

A blonde is trying to hammer down a pin into a wall, she has the flat end to the wall and is hammering the pointy end. She gets really pissed as it clearly isn't working. Her friend comes in and asks whats wrong. "Well, this pin just work! It's not piercing this wall!" she says.
Her friend looks ...

The little man in the hat. (OC)

There was the short man, about 2-3 ft tall, who had a tall pointy red hat and a big white beard. He would walk around subways and metros and find those people who sit on the ground play music for money.

This man would go up to them and start to stomp and clap a beat for them. Most of the tim...

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A man wakes up to his wife screaming about a gorilla in the garden.

Wiping the sleep from his eyes, he staggers to the window just in time to see a huge silverback climb up into a gnarled old oak tree at the bottom of his garden. A little perplexed, he calls the RSPCA and gets put through to the Gorilla Dept.. Turns out this is a common enough occurrence, and before...

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Three Guys on a Lake

Three guys were chilling on a beach, when one of them found a dirty bottle in the sand. He picked it up, rubbed the dirt off, and a genie came out.

He said, "Alas, I am free from my eternal prison inside that dreaded bottle! I promised myself I would grant 3 wishes to whoever freed me. Since ...

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A man wanders about a casino and sees a gorgeous woman who is clearly bored

"Hello, I see you're sad, what happened?", he asks.

"Well, I'm not sad really, just a little bored", she answers, "you see, I'm a little kinky and most men around my social status don't really seem to like it".

"Oh really? Well I enjoy being kinky too, so it seems that we have the same...

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Two nuns are driving to midnight mass

Two nuns are driving to midnight mass when they stopped at a red light. A vampire jumped onto the bonnet, fangs bared, eyes glowing red, lusting for the blood of the two nuns. The mother superior who was sat in the passenger seat tells the initiate nun who is driving to step on the gas. Forward ...

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A guy goes outside to mow the lawn and sees a gorilla up in his tree.

A guy goes outside to mow the lawn and sees a gorilla up in his tree. He calls animal control, they say the gorilla is from the zoo and they will send an expert over right away.

The expert shows up in a van, opens up the van and removes a coil of rope, a net, a pointy stick, a pet carri...

Joe knows everyione

Joe and Paul entered a bar and everyone at the bar said, "Hi Joe, Hey Joe,
How ya doin' Joe?"
Paul said, "What, are you a regular here, Joe?"
Joe answered, "No, it's just that everyone knows me."
"Whaddya mean everyone knows you?" said Paul.
"I mean everyone in the world knows me," re...

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A man in the desert finds an old oil lamp...

... he rubs the lamp (as is traditional), and surprise! Out pops a genie.

"The contract is made, for freeing me from the lamp I shall grant you THREE WISHES!"

Sweet! Thinks the man I'm gonna make the best of this! And he whispers something in the genie's ear.

"IT SHALL BE DONE!...

A luxury yacht catches fire somewhere in the South Pacific and sinks....

A single male survivor, let's call him Roy, washes ashore on a small, deserted tropical island.

Roy spends the next three years of his life struggling to survive, but, by collecting debris and materials that wash up on the shore, he manages to thrive.

Then one day, as he's combing the...

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Got an In-built fan in the Clock

Yeah, I died yesterday and went to hell and sure enough, hell was just as I expected. There was fire and brimstone everywhere, pits of lava holding people who were screaming in agony, little red guys with pointy tails chasing people and poking them with flame tipped pitchforks. Everything that is......

Have I ever told you about the Monk living on the hill and the tiny pickle in a jar?

Once upon a time there was a Monk who lived on a hill. He lived a simple life and was quite content, nothing out of the ordinary ever seemed to happen in his life. However, one day as he was settling down to watch his favourite shows with a mug of hot cocoa, he saw on the weather channel that a horr...

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