UPJOKE
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When I was young, I thought rich people bought Bose products and the rest of us had to settle for Sony.

Turns out — that was just a stereotype.

Don't settle for domestic violence

Always seek opportunities for international expansion

Guy: Meet my girlfriend. Mom: You deserve better don't settle for this. Guy: But mom I love..

Mom: I am talking to her.

I love my wife. She won't settle for anything.

Unlike myself.

What do call having to settle for buying corn?

Compra maíze.

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What happens when people settle for a shitty situation?

They're citizens of the So-be-it Union.

How A/C was invented

The four Goldberg brothers - Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell - invent vehicle air conditioning. But they have a hard time marketing it.

Well, on one 97-degree Detroit summer day, the four brothers walk into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talk his secretary into telling him that four...

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test ...

... and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment,...

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A businessman met with the hitman on the rooftop as planned

"Look at those bastards cheating on me, in my own bedroom!" The businessman picked up a monocular and looked into the house across the street. "Like I said on the phone,I want them to die slowly.Shoot the fucker on the dick or something."

"No problem." The hitman set up the sniper rifle and l...

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Give me some chocolate ice cream, please!

she said to the clerk.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, we're out of chocolate".

"Ok, then, give me some chocolate ice cream".

"I told you, we don't have any!"

"Well, I'll settle for chocolate ice cream".

The exasperated clerk says
"Can you spell 'straw' as in st...

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3 operating systems walk into a bar

The first says "I'm Windows. The most popular, everyone likes me and I don't mess about. I'll have a pint of lager."

The second says "I'm Mac OS. I'm the favourite of artists and hipsters, and I could never settle for a boring lager like Windows. Give me your hoppiest artisanal IPA!"

T...

Large and Lonely

I have a friend that is very overweight, who one day told me how lonely he was, and how he hoped to find a partner one day. He said it was not easy, as being a very large man only an very large woman would settle for him, and they would have to run in to each other first.
I replied “how could you...

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For an old man's 98th birthday,

his 3 grandsons paid for a hooker and sent her to his home. When the old fella opened the door he asked what a pretty girl like her was doing at his home. She replied "I was sent here as a gift to you" The old man asked "What is it that you do?" Hooker says "Im well known for my super blowjobs" Gra...

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A woman finds a lamp and of course it contains a genie...

... which offers to give her only one wish as he is very much tired from his 10.000 years of imprisonment.

,,I want a million dollars!'' she screams excited.

The Genie nods. ,,It shall be as you wi-''

,,No!'' interrupts the woman. ,,Such a wish is selfish and petty. No, what I w...

You know one of the best things about necrophilia?

You don't have to settle for just any girl with a pulse.

At the statisticians’ conference

”Look at that pervert. He doesn’t settle for just standard deviation.”

My girlfriend keeps telling me to buy sea salt, even though we can't afford it

So she's just going to have to settle for D salt

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A beautiful woman approaches a man at a bar and asks

"How big is your dick?"

"depends on which of your senses you're using to measure" replies the man

"what do you mean?"

"well if you use your sense of sight it's 3 inches"

The woman sighs and begins to walk away. The man grabs her arm and says,

"but if you use you...

Two Newfie brothers, Bob and Tom, go to the unemployment office one day.

After hours of standing in line, Bob is called in to speak with a social worker.

The social worker asks him "What is your occupation?"

Bob replies "I'm a diesel fitter."

The social worker informs Bob that she just happens to know of a trucking company that is hiring for this pos...

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Yesterday's brothel joke reminded me of this.

So a broke dude goes to the brothel and approaches the bouncer. He tells the bouncer that he is very horny but all he has is $2.

The bouncer tells him that it's enough but he'd have to settle for the dead hooker on the third floor.

The man agrees.

After the deed, the bouncer a...

A man and his wife were watching Family Feud...

When this question came up:

"What age do women stop looking for Mr.Perfect and settle for Mr.Okay?"

"25!" his wife shouted.

"What, that's crazy!" the man argued.

"Well that's when I married you."

Girl, are you a community college?

Because you're cheap, easy to get into, and people will settle for you if they can't do any better.

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A Californian, an Oregonian and a Washingtonian all head out on a fishing trip...

It's a beautiful day in the Cascades of Oregon and all three men are enjoying themselves - although a fervent discussion about which state is the superior state has sprung up, initiated by the Californian who won't shut up about, well, everything that California is better at. At noon, they stop by...

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A friend asked me if I'd rather marry a mediocre woman, or my dream girl-- plus a dick.

"That's easy," I said. "I don't want to settle for average. I'll take the girl with two dicks."

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