"You shouldn't have opened that box. Just sayin'"

\-Epimetheus, husband to Pandora and god of hindsight, everyday for the rest of eternity

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A man walks into a bar with a shoebox

He walks up to the bartender, sets the shoebox on the bar, and orders a beer and an empty shot glass. The bartender brings him his beer and watches as he then fills the shot glass with the beer and takes the lid off of the shoebox.

Out of the box he removes a small piano and a little bench, ...

Spanglish joke

A lady in a tight skirt is at the front of a line of people trying to get on a bus. She starts to climb the stairs but stops, apparently unable to lift her feet high enough due to the restrictive skirt.

A man behind her attempts to pick her up, and she swats his arms away, saying "ya lo pues"...

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Just ignore it next time

A man goes to his doctor with a black eye. The doctor says, “What happened?” The man responds, “So, I was in church, sayin’ my prayers. The priest tells us to stand, and the lady in front of me gets her dress caught in the crack of her butt. So I pulled it out.” The doctor says, “Well, that explains...

A baby born feet first has worn its mother as a hat.....

Just sayin...

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Sven and Ole are asked to identify a body. (Sad to discover after Googling that this will be a repost, but I was recently told this by my 86 y/o Wisconsinite grandmother and wanted to share.)

So Sven and Ole get a sad call to learn that their good friend, Anders, has passed away and they need to identify the body.

When they get to the morgue, Sven goes in first. The doctor uncovers the body and Sven says, “Aww gee, that sure looks like Anders...could ya flip him over and spread h...

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Three men are captured by a group of Cannibals.

The men are tied up and brought before leader of the cannibals. The leader says to the men "My people are hungry, but I will let you make your case. Then I will decide your fate."

The first man, hair slicked back and dressed in an expensive suit, begins, "I am very wealthy, and I have founded...

A farmer named paddy

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy. “'Didn't you say to the
police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'” asked the solicitor.

Paddy respond...

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Damn girl, are you the Terms and Conditions?

'Cause nobody gives a fuck what you sayin'

Retired Rattlesnake Roadside-Romeo

Retired Rattlesnake Roadside-Romeo was on the side of a dirt road in rural Arizona. On the other side of the road was a chicken.
So, he hollers, "Hey there! Babe! I don't usually talk with random chicks, but you ought to know that I am like a hundred years old. Do you want to know the secret to...

A knock at the door at midnight

An elderly couple were fast asleep at midnight, when they were awakened by a series of loud knocks on the door.
The man goes downstairs with a frown and opens the door to a man sayin "i need a push...could you help, sir?" The old man slams the door and returns to the bedroom with a scowl. His wi...

How many 'Dragonball Z' characters does it take to change a lightbulb?

All of them-over a six episode arc.



But Goku is the one to screw it in after mastering transformation into a Super Sayin Electrician.

Michael Fassbender is getting married. I'm the best man.

I mean, it's got nothing to do with the wedding, just sayin'.

Sailor walks up to a Pirate in a bar...

...offers to buy the pirate a drink if he tells him the tales of his hook, pegleg, and eye patch.

The pirate agrees, but to one drink per tale.

Sailor buys him a drink, and says, well, why don't you start with the pegleg?

Pirate takes a long swig, leans forward and says "SHARK!"...

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The Drunk Ventriloquist

A Ventriloquist had given up on life and become a drunk vagabond, hopping trains and moving from town to town. One day he got off in a small town and on his way to the nearest bar he spotted a small dog in an alleyway. He thought, "Ah, perfect!", scooped the dog up and proceeded to the bar. Once ...

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Topical Jokes (5/19)

Good evening, folks! It is once again time to relay the jokes.

First up, if you're not following this story, you're missing out. The IRS scandal continues to get stickier. According to a White House insider, President Obama learned about the IRS scandal by watching TV news. As shocking as tha...

Two good ol' boys is sittin' on a porch...

...They see a dog a-lickin' It's balls.

One turns to the other sayin', "Boy, I wish I could do that."

The other responds, "Boy that dog will biiiiiitte yooou!"

I got pulled over the other day

So I was driving down the highway in my new Mercedes doin' about 80mph. I see red and blue flashin' lights in my rear-view mirror. I think to myself, 'I'm in a new Mercedes! Who could catch me?' So I start speedin' up 90mph, 100mph, 110mph, 120mph. He's still there. So I pull over and the cop takes ...

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Wendy

A man proposes to his longtime girlfriend, Wendy. He says: Wendy, I love you so much will you please be my wife? Which she replies: No, I will not be your wife until you prove your undying loyalty to me. You have to prove that you will never cheat on me or leave me.

He thinks about it for a c...

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A cowboy rides up to the bar..

and hitches his horse to the post, walks behind the horse, lifts its tail, and kisses its ass. The bartender notices but doesn't want to cause any trouble so just ignores it. The cowboy comes in and orders a drink, every 20 min the cowboy gets up, walks outside and lifts the horses tail, and kisse...

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