UPJOKE

So I Said Jokes

A Genie once granted me one wish, so I said “I just want to be happy”.

So now I’m living in a little cottage with 6 dwarfs, working in a mine and singing ?’Whistle while you work…….’ ?

My son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered this for a moment and replied: “When Abe Lincoln was your age he was The President of the United States.”

Happen in real life and wanted to share; My friend is always asking to borrow my power bank, so I said I should be charging you for this. Another guy nearby said immediately:

And another guy said immediately: You will make bank if you do.

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So I said to my wife when we went to bed. “If you want to have sex in the night pull my willy once and if you don’t want to have sex...

...pull it 100 times”

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing was happening, so I said to her,

“What’s the matter, you can’t think of anybody either?”

I went to a restaurant and a waiter spilled chowder down my trousers, so I said...

Waiter, waiter...there's soup in my fly!

My friend asked me what a Sigma male was, so I said..

Well to sum it up they’re not just your average guys, and to add to that, they’re kind of like a calculator, you can pretty much always count on them.

A girl asked if I was into S&M. I don't really know a lot about music, but she was cute so I said "sure."

She must have figured out I was lying because she beat the hell out of me.

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So a Genie appeared and said "I will grant you ONE wish."

I thought and thought and thought,and said "Here is a map of the countries of the middle east. They have been killing each other for thousands and thousands of years. Could you please bring peace to this one part of the world?
He said "Well,even for a Great Genie like me that's asking a little to...

So I said to Schrodinger,

Think outside the box.

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my 19 year old daughter killed a butterfly in the kitchen, so I said "No butter for you!"

Then she killed a cockroach and I said "nice try!"

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My wife said she wanted to have Olympic Sex and I got all excited by the phrase so I said yes honey, what does it involve?

Once every four years.

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My wife told me I had a small penis, so I said it was big enough to hurt her.

"There isn't a woman in the world that would be hurt by that thing." She said.

I then showed her a video of me fucking her sister.

My French friend was sad, so I said 'Le monde'

'Thanks' she replied 'That means the world to me'

So I said "That's not a camel...

That's my wife"

So I said, "As a matter of fact I do. Why does...

Donald Duck walk around all day with no pants on, but after he takes a shower he puts a towel around his waist?" And the waiter said, "No I meant do you have any questions about our menu."

My friend told me he’s glad that he’s a bus driver so I said why and he said

“So I won’t have to die alone”.

So I said, "It's not about how many times you fall down. It's about how many times you get back up."

And the cop said, "Sir, now I'm going to ask you to take a breathalyzer test."

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So I said to the manager "try before you buy"

It still got me kicked out of the sex toy shop.

So I said to the taxi driver

'King Arthur' s close'. He said, '"Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'.

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So I said to this hot girl "If I asked you to have sex with me...

"would your answer to that question be the same as your answer to this question?"

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So I said to my girl, it’s not that I’m always horny

It’s just that you’re always beautiful!🇨🇦

So I said to my doctor, "Doc, I asked all three of my boys what they wanted to be when they grew up, and they said they wanted to be valets!"

And the Doc replies, "Wow, that's the worst case of Parking Sons disease I've ever seen!"

So i said to the guy in the Phone Shop "I'd like to get a new smartphone for my wife"

He looked her up and down, then said

"Seems like a fair trade!"

So I said to this witch: "WTF were you and that lion doing in my wardrobe?"

She said "Narnia business."

So I said to myself...

"I don't really understand how I got cloned."

Went to a restaurant with my wife and the host’s name was Alex. So I said “Table for 2 Alex”

We were the first Daily Double…

If anyone gets this joke I apologize immensely. Bad dry dad jokes are kinda my thing.

I took my family to a fancy dress party, I asked my wife to be a panda, my kid to be a koala and I went as a grizzly. My wife didn't get the joke, so I said I will tell you when we get to the party... At the party I still refused to tell her and told her to be patient, so when we left...

...I simply turned to her and said, thanks for bearing with me!

My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”

“Thanks, man, ” he replied, “I’ve been practising it a lot.”

I wanted to impress my Spanish wife's parents so I said the word mucho in conversation at dinner last night.

I think it worked. They said it meants a lot.

Out walking last night decided to take short cut through a Cemetery when 3 young girls came towards me and said they were petrified walking through the grave yard and asked if they could walk along side me so I said yes...

As we were walking I said don't worry I understand I used to be petrified walking through here when I was alive.
Never seen anybody run so fast.

My son asked me to tell him a dad joke..so I said sure..

Then left

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My coworker made a masturbation joke that I didn't understand, so I said, "Explain Like I'm 5."

She said, "You'll get it in 8 years."

Gen Z names are so stupid. For instance, a young man introduced himself to me as Jathan..... Not Jason. Not Nathan... Jathan.

I'm not good with remembering names so I try to incorporate them into the conversation to help me to remember. So I said to him

"It's very nice to meet you Jathan."

"That is a very unique name, Jathan."

"Are you from around here Jathan?"

To which he replied

"Wow, a...

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I was in a porno cinema the other night.

I hadn’t been there five minutes when some guy started yelling at me: “Oh, you’re a beast, you’re despicable!”

So I said to him: “Listen mate, we’re all here together, you’re just as despicable as I am.” But then other people started chipping in, shouting stuff like “How do you sleep at night...

In the Store with my wife I saw a box of beer on offer for half price so I said can I have them? she said no, budget is tight, I said well you just bought lots of makeup, she replied, that is to make me look beautiful, I replied..

That is what the beer was for.

So I saw this sign the other day, it said “wood fired pizza”

So I said “Wood fired pizza? How will pizza get a job now.”

I saw Arnold Shwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg so i said to him "i bet i know what your favorite christian festival is."

He said, "have to love easter, baby."

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I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.

So I said: "Ok, this isn't working out."

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I tried to translate joke from Arabic

Three women setting together talking about a new ways to initiate sex with thier husbands,
One of them says "I have a good way, when ever I want to have sex with John I touch his dick and say your dick is very cold, do you need warming it a bit?, And that's it"

next day they the second wo...

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No Sex Tonight!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

We...

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

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A young lady becomes a hooker, and after her first night on the streets, the other hookers are asking her how it went...

"Well, the first guy I met was really hot! A marine with all kinds of muscles!"

"Ooh! Nice!" another girl says. "How'd it go?"

"Well I told him it was $50 for a fuck. He said he didn't have that much. So I told him it's $25 for a blowjob. He didn't have that much either. So I said it's...

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