UPJOKE

My Wife Said Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said if this gets 100 upvotes we can try anal

Please, stop upvoting! Her cock is huge!

My wife said I look like a Greek god.

Her actual words were "Put your clothes on, we're in a museum" but I know what she meant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said to me "You're shagging that girl from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllwyrndrobwyllllantisiliogogogoch, aren't you?"

I said "How could you say such a thing?"



(To whoever reposts this: the correct spelling is actually *Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch*)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said sex was much better on vacation.

That wasn't a very nice post card to receive.

My wife said to me, "What starts with 'F' and ends in 'K'"?

I said, "No, it does'nt"

My wife said she would rather commit suicide than have dementia

She said she would never want to place that burden on me..

I said, honey that's the fifth time you've told me that.

My wife said she could smell an Indian flatbread from a mile away.

I said that was naan scents.

My wife said we could each have 3 hall passes. She picked Henry Cavil, Jason Momoa, and Matt Damon; but then she got mad at me for my picks...

Apparently her sister, our kids kindergarten teacher and and Kelsey in the marketing department were the wrong answers.

My wife said, “The Last of Us is a strange show, don’t you agree?”

Me: Yeah, but I’ve seen Stranger Things on Netflix.

My wife said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”

Me: Sure.

[BANG]

Me: it’s 4 35 pm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she'll give up her anal virginity tonight!

Please don't. She's out of town on business until Tuesday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said the sex after my vasectomy changed dramatically...

She said she noticed "a vas deferens"

My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"

I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said, "Are you ashamed to walk with me?"

I said, "Why are you shouting?"

She said, "Because you're on the other fucking side of the road."

I love you honey pie, my wife said earlier. And I love you tons, I replied.

What, no nickname for me? She asked.

Sometimes I swear she’s going deaf.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said she'd like to have another baby.

I agreed, the one we have is fucking annoying!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said this sub is nothing but the same recycled crap over and over.

She is so wrong so I told her to check my history. My last post here says otherwise.

My wife said "you arent even listening to me are you"

That's a weird way to start a conversation

My wife said, “Can you have a talk with the kids on drugs?”

I said, “Fine, but I don’t make any sense when I’m high.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said my stew was too salty, was far too watery and left her with a strange metallic after taste.

Bitch... I put my blood, sweat and tears into that dish.

On her death bed, my wife said, "Sweety! I'll see you in Heaven."

Since then, I've kicked a puppy, stole from 4 shops and set fire to an orphanage.

I wanted to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was to uncommon...

... I told her that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.

So my wife said "take off my shirt".

So I did as she said and took off her shirt.

Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I continued and took off her skirt.

"Take off my shoes." Once again, I did as she said and I took off her shoes.

"Now my hose, bra, and panties." And lastly, I took them off.

Then she looked...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For my birthday, my wife said she wanted to give me a sexy special treat...

...and she asked me which of her friends I'd like to have a threesome with.

Apparently, I was only supposed to give one name and now I'm spending my birthday in the ER with a broken arm and a black eye.

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with food.

I wasn’t really listening, but she said something about not making enough thyme for her.

My wife said she wanted to see 50 Shades of Grey.

So I took a photo of her hair!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said she was going to come to the Halloween party dressed as our Sex life

So she didn’t come

My wife said she is leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants...

Guess I won't be needing those anymore.

My wife said she wanted to name our child Eevee because she thought it would be cool to name it after a Pokemon

I said 'ditto'

My wife said she wanted to feel special this Valentines Day.

So I bought her a helmet and some crayons.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said she wants to have a threesome with the Planter’s guy.

I said, Are you fucking nuts?!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said that sex is way better on holidays

Not the best postcard to get.

My wife said she wants feel more important

I told her that she’s at the top of my to-do list

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: My wife said she wanted to have sex like they do in the movies...

So I pushed her against the wall, grabbed her hair from behind and drilled her up the shitter. Turns out we watch different movies.

My wife said if I bought her one more stupid present, she would burn it

So I bought her a candle. That showed her.

My wife said she would leave me if I don't stop comparing everything to Bruce Willis movies, but you know what they say about old habits...

They Pulp Fiction.

My wife said, “I can’t see too well with my new glasses.”

I said, “That’s weird. How about the other numbers? Can you see them okay?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said she wanted to have sex in the backseat of the car

and she wanted me to drive

-The late Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004)

My wife said I’m the only one she’s ever been with

The rest were eights and nines.

My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis."

I replied, "That's 15 love."

My Wife said :- You got vasectomy without even telling me . Are you serious ?

I said :- I am not kidding you .

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."

She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"

I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"

My wife said she's breaking up with me, because of my obsession with rhyming,

I nearly choked on my tea, what terrible timing!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said, “My gynecologist said I can’t have sex for six weeks”

I asked her….


“What did your dentist say?”

My wife said, "Did I ever tell you how great it feels when we make love?"

I said, "Gee, honey. No."

And she said, "Exactly. Now let's just go to sleep, OK?"

My wife said she has had enough of me because I always get my directions mixed up...

So I just packed my bags and right...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said sex has become a chore.

So for mothers day I've hired her some help.

My wife said, Why don't you ever have anything to say to me?

I replied, I don't like to interrupt.

My wife said all I do is make stupid animal jokes

She’s free to see otter people

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said she's leaving me because I "can't do anything right when it comes to housework. "

Selfish bitch, it took me hours to mop that carpet.

My wife said that she would take the kids and leave me if I didn't stop betting on horse racing.

"And they are Offffff!!!!!!!!"

My wife said we needed to childproof our upright piano, so it wouldn't fall over on our toddler...

... I said that was a good idea, because I wouldn't want a flat minor.

My wife said that I always treat my kid unfairly.

I don’t even know which one she means, Tommy, Tina or the fat ugly one.

My wife said I'm the cheapest person she ever met

I'm not buying it

My wife said she would divorce me if I kept quoting Star Trek.

So I said, "Number Two, make it so!"

My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked.

My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste."

My wife said she'd fulfil any fantasy of mine.

"What about a nice mini skirt, some high heels and a tight red bra?" I asked.

She spread herself on the bed and said, "Of course, baby."

I said, "Excellent. Wait here, I'll just go and get changed."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said, "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars." Chuckling, I asked, "How about the ones like mine?" She retorted, "Those, they gave away."

Not to be outdone, I said, "I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand."

She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?"

To which I replied, "That's where they held the ...

My wife said she wants to break up with me

Me: “Why?!?”

Wife: “You keep making stupid Transformers jokes…”

Me: “Please don’t leave, I can change!”

My wife said I don't understand irony.

Which is ironic because we were at a bus stop when she said it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said we should hire a maid. "The job will get done a lot more often, and they'll do a way better job!"

Apparently "Should we hire a prostitute for the same reasons?" was the wrong answer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said

"Can you explain why I've just found a pair of womens knickers in your coat pocket?"

I said "Yes, it's because you're a nosey cunt"

My wife said marriage is like a deck of cards

In the beginning alls you need is two hearts, then in the end, alls you need is a club and a spade.

My wife said, “For the life of me, I cannot remember the name of The Hunchback of Notre Dame.”

Me: Does ….Quasimodo ring a bell?

My wife said she wants to go out to eat after the quarantine is over

I am thinking no way is a month long enough for her to make up her mind where to eat.

My wife said I don't give her enough privacy.

At least, that's what she wrote on her diary.

My wife said to me she doesn't understand cloning.

I said that makes 2 of us.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said I needed to get more in touch with my feminine side.

So I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and completely ignored her all night for no fucking reason.

My wife said she's leaving me because I keep making coffee without the filter. The judge agreed

Apparently it's grounds for a divorce

"My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.

That would be a big step forward."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said she’d like us to save money for her to get breast implants

I told her, “Why? All you need to do is rub some toilet paper between your breasts every day.”

She said, “What the hell is that going to do?”

I said, “I don’t know but it seems to have worked wonders on your ass.”

My wife said to me, "If men are agreeing with you, you said something stupid!"

I responded, *"I agree with you, honey."*

My wife said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"

I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

My wife said she'll leave me if I don't overcome my poker addiction

but I think she's bluffing

My wife said she wanted to give me a three-way for my birthday.

I asked, "What are their names?"

My wife said that our son feels neglected.

I didn't even know we had a son.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said if this post gets 1,000 likes, I can get Anal on my cake day

So please upvote because this house hasn’t been cleaned in months and I want it spotless!

So my wife said to me, "I swear, it's like all men share one brain"

I wanted to think of a clever comeback, but it wasn't my turn to use the brain

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said she's leaving me because I always exaggerate....

I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said...

“Did you know butterflies only live for one day?"

I said, "That's a myth."

She said, "No, it's definitely a butterfly!"

My wife said nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.

So I bought her nothing.

My wife said she would leave me if I did not stop making jokes about her hysterectomy

I think it was an Ovaryaction if you ask me

Last night my wife said she was divorcing me because I am always mixing up colors

This came out of the yellow

My wife said: “You never call me for no reason.

I said, “You’re welcome!”

We were driving along the highway and my wife said, “Hey, you missed a right!”

I said, “Thanks babe. You Mrs. Right.”

My wife said to me.

Wife: I am going to donate all of my old clothes to poor

under nourished starving women of the World.

Me: Anyone that can fill your clothes are not starving.

My wife said she wants to spend more time with me after I come home from work

Now I work from home so I never come home from work.

My wife said we need to recycle more.

So I told her I'd go to the biggest recyclers I know for advice.



Hello r/Jokes

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.