UPJOKE

My Doctor Said Jokes

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My doctor said I need to stop masturbating. When I asked why, he said ..

Cause I’m trying to give you a physical

I was really worried when I went to prostate exam. My doctor said James you got this, just don’t get hard

Which I said: my name isn’t James.
He said yeah, mine is.

My doctor said if I get 1000 upvotes he will perform free LASIK surgery!!

Upvote for visibility.

My doctor said I might have a stroke at any time.

Boy are my arms tired

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My doctor said

"I've got bad news: Mercury is in Uranus."
I said, "I didn't know you were into that astrology stuff."
He said, "I'm not. My thermometer just broke."

My doctor said I only got a few months left.

So I gave him a shoot and the judge gave me another 20 years.

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My doctor said I should jerk off when ever I want

Girlfriend: "No, he said you could have a stroke at anytime.."

My doctor said I was overweight and asked me if I'd ever even attempted a push-up.

I said "Hey doc, I know I'm out of shape, but suggesting that I wear a bra is just insulting."

My doctor said he thought I had the body of a 25 year old.

So naturally I had to kill him and bury him next to it.

My doctor said diarrhea is hereditary.

I guess it runs in your genes

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Husband: My doctor said I could masturbate anytime I want.

Wife: No, he said your blood pressure is incredibly high, and you could have a stroke at any moment.

My doctor said I was going deaf.

Haven't heard from him since.

My doctor said I need to cut back my sodium intake...

...but I tend to take everything he says with a grain of salt.

My doctor said that I should go on antipsychotics,

But my imaginary friend told me not to.

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My doctor said I am suffering from paranoia and constipation

I'm scared shitless

My doctor said he’s been practicing medicine for 20 years…

I asked him when they’re gonna let him do it for real.

I broke my leg in two places and my doctor said...

"I recommend you stay away from both those places in future."

My doctor said don't eat anything fatty...

I said "what do you mean? Fries, steak, dessert?"

He said "No fatty. Don't eat anything."

My doctor said the X-Ray was negative.

I was like, “aren’t they all?”

My doctor said I had to lose some weight.....

He said, Stop eating fatty.

I asked, You mean like fried foods and bacon?

He said, No fatty, just stop eating.

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My doctor said that I have Constipation problems.

I just told him I don't give a shit.

My doctor said that cigarettes are bad for kids

I guess next time I should just use an ashtray.

My doctor said that I should stop mixing coffee and redbull

He’s just jealous that I can lock a drawer and still have time to throw the key inside

my doctor said i was suicidal

i asked him 'how long do i have to live?'

My doctor said I could touch myself whenever I felt like it.

His exact words were that I could have a stroke any time.

Same thing.

My doctor said he could give me some aids for my erectile dysfunction.

I told him that didn't sound like a good trade.

My doctor said I should exercise on top of a healthy diet.

But surely a treadmill would make more sense?

My doctor said I had to quit drinking or I would be dead within a month.

I said "But doc, I love alcohol so much! Isn't there anything I could do?"

He rolled his eyes and said "Cry me a liver."

My doctor said I should avoid trans fats

So I stopped going on tumblr

I'm a germaphobe and my doctor said to face my fear

So I did it, I booked my flight to Germany.

My doctor said I should start killing people.

His exact words were that I need to reduce stress in my life. Same thing.

My Doctor said, "Alcoholism is a disease."

My bartender said, "Get your shots here."

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My Doctor said I might die because I ate clay.

I am shitting bricks to be honest.

My doctor said I was pessimistic.

Once, there was a shark who bit-off the left side of my body; he let out a small chuckle and said,


"I'm very sorry for this, but I think you are all right."


I replied, "Seriously, doc? I have nothing left."

My doctor said I had a problem

He said I had amnesia or ummmmmmmm nvm I forgot

My doctor said there’s something very strange about my pulse

I asked him what, but he couldn’t put his finger on it.

My doctor said it's normal to get an erection during a prostate exam

But I would still prefer it if he didn't whip it out in the middle of our appointment.

My doctor said I have multiple personality disorder

But we don't think so

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My doctor said I have hemorrhoids...

but I think he is wrong: everybody says I am a perfect asshole!

I'm recovering from surgery, and my doctor said I couldn't lift more than ten pounds.

I haven't been able to use the bathroom by myself in a week.

My doctor said I should watch my drinking.

So now I drink in front of a mirror.

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My doctor said that I'm so into anal...

...that I'm legally classified as a crack adict

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor said to cut down on the pizza.

Fucking idiot, that's how I always do it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor said he couldn't prescribe me with Viagra.

No hard feelings.

My doctor said he needed a blood sample, a urine sample, and a sperm sample. . .

So I left my underwear there.

My doctor said no more drinking.

so I froze my alcohol into cubes and ate them.

My doctor said my sprem count was top notch

"Well It's hand made"

My doctor said I need to eat more Taco Bell

He actually said I was constipated, but I understood what he meant.

My doctor said "I understand you are experiencing hearing problems. Please describe the symptoms. "

So I told him that Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.

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My doctor said to me he'll be with me through thick and thin, even when shit hits the fan

Needless to say he's a good gastroenterologist

My doctor said he needed a stool sample from me.

The timing was perfect. I was about to go to Ikea anyway

"I'd like to prescribe you a topical ointment for that skin condition," my doctor said.

"Woah, woah, woah, doc," I replied. "Let's not make any rash decisions."

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