UPJOKE

He Said Jokes

He said he was a communist.

I should've known darnit, there were red flags everywhere.

In Church on Sunday morning, the preacher was standing up at the pulpit preaching a sermon. After speaking for about 10 minutes he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"

Then he talked some more and a little while later he said, "If I had all the wine in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"
After that statement, he kept ranting and raving until about 15 minutes later when he said, "If I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd throw it in the river!" Then he ta...

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'.

So we stopped playing chess.

Just got back from the doctor... he said I can touch myself inappropriately whenever I want to!

Wife: Grabs report "This says you could have a stroke at any time"

My son just told me he joined the Army. I asked him why and proudly, he said he joined up to kill people.

He's a terrible nurse.

A man saw his wife wearing nothing. “What are you doing?” he said. “It’s the emperor’s new cloth.” she replied.

“You should iron it first.”

I asked dad if we could have pets, and he said No.

He said, “Pets are just a step backwards.”

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Some dumbass once asked me how my dick got so big, so I told him I rubbed grease on it. 2 weeks later he comes back complaining that it's smaller. "What did you use?" I say. He said "Crisco."

I said "Crisco? Shit man, that's shortening!"

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I gave my neighbor the benefit of the doubt when he said he'd stop hoarding stuff.

He won't give it back.

I invited my buddy to a costume party and he said he was going as his dad

He didn’t show up

A friend was complaining about Italians. “Damn those Italians and their slanted eyes!”, he said.

I replied, “I think you mean *italics*.

So my brother told me this joke. He said it is a nerd joke

What’s red and bad for your teeth?
A brick!
What’s blue and bad for your teeth?
The same brick moving really really fast.

I picked up a hitchhiker the other day. He said "you're brave, how do you know I'm not a serial killer?"

I said "the chances of two serial killers being in the same car is astronomical"

A knight errant one day came across a damsel in the forest outside the Shire. “Fair lady, I offer you my honor,” he said. She replied “Good knight, I honor your offer.”

And that’s how it was, all night long: off her and on her, on her and off her.

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I showed my grandfather some BDSM porn on his new computer. He said, "I just don't understand you young whippersnappers."

I think he meant: "snapper whippers."

An army general walks into a room with a solder. He said "I didn't see you today at camouflage traning...

Th soldier reply's "Thank you Sir!"

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A snake was laughing at an elephant. He said: " Hahahah... i've never seen anyone with a dick on his face before!". The elephant was cross. He replied: "Look at yourself. Your face is on your dick!"

Source: not mine.

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Once a man, knocked on a door and an old lady opened the door. Without a word the man went in took a lot of cow dung from his bag and threw on the carpet. "You see , I have a wonder vaccum cleaner with me here, if this doesn't work I'll eat every piece of that dung" he said.

"Do you want tomato ketchup with it ? " The lady asked. "Cause you see, we still don't have electricity in this house"

NSFW - a friend of mine told me he’s getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I asked how he can tell them apart... it’s easy he said

Her brother has a mustache.

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A man was standing in a hotel elevator when his elbow brushed over a woman's breast. Apologetically, he said, "If your heart is as soft as your breasts you will forgive me."

The lady said, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I am in room number 3134.”

A Spanish magician was doing a magic trick. He said, “Uno, dos…”

and he disappeared without a trace.

Was talking to my friend last week, asked how his wife was doing and he said to me he doesn't know she went to the shop for a bottle of milk 2 week ago and hasn't come back, I asked him how he was coping

He said I've been using the powdered milk its bloody horrible

He said he was ready to throw hands.

I wasn’t expecting him to mean it literally.

I asked my son what he wanted for Christmas, he said, I’d like a bookmark.

I cried, nearly 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Barry.

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An actor rehearsing on stage was going on and on about the colors "No, THIS is where you illuminate the stage with sunflower yellow, and HERE is when you fade to chartreuse!" he said, tapping emphatically on the manuscript. Opening day came, and the actor found himself now fully and completely in

The lemon-limelight

A friend set me up on a blind date. He said "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby"

I felt like a right idiot sitting in a bar wearing nothing but a diaper.

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My 4 year old nephew is learning about manners and also learning Spanish. He said “Can you por favor me some juice?”

He followed up with: “I don’t have to say PLEASE because I already DID.” Smart ass.

I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"

"And then we'll see."

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I had sex with Joseph Stalin once it was quite exciting. When I said: "Im coming" He said: "No"

"WE are coming"

The CEO at Euro A Bank Ltd got economists thinking when he said:

"A cyclist is a disaster for a country's economy. He does not buy a car and does not take out a car loan. Does not buy car insurance. Does not buy fuel. Does not send his car for servicing and repairs. Does not use paid parking. Does not become obese.
Yes - and he stays well, damn it !! Healthy p...

Ive been very depressed because of lack of sleep so i asked the doctor about the positives and the negatives of sleeping medication. He said that they can be a great tool for sleeping but if you take too much you'll die.

I said okay. Now what are the negatives?

While visiting a distant relative I hadn't visited in years, I asked my mom's cousin George for his Wi-Fi password. He said, "Start with an uppercase S, then 123."

As soon as George had left to do an errand, I tried to log onto his Wi-Fi. But every time I typed S123, it wouldn't work. After two hours of failure, George came back.

I told him, "I used the password you told me to use, but it never worked! can you log onto the Wi-Fi for me?" George typed th...

Was talking to the guy down the street and he said he’s got a stream that runs through his property but would really like a reservoir.

I said “Well dam.”

I just left my job. I couldn’t work for that man after what he said to me.

What did he say?

You’re fired.

Dave’s bestie passed away recently, and grieving before his grave he said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, Dave’s wife gave birth to a boy. As his child grew older each day, he realised he looks a lot like his best friend.

Dave’s really happy that his prayer worked.

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

A mexican magician said he would disappear on the count of three he said uno dos poof

He disappeared without a tres

When trump was asked if he had handled the pandemic properly, he said

I’m positive

I knew a guy with a lisp I didn’t take seriously. But when he said binith

I knew he meant business

I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his favourite religious holday was. He said

"Have to love Easter, baby...."

My friend must think I'm gullible. He said today was the autumnal equinox.

But I'm not going to fall for it.

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I went to a psychologist and he said that I'm a narcissist.

That's bullshit. A perfect guy like me can't possibly have a personality disorder.

I went in my son's room today and told him he was adopted. He said "I knew it, who are my parents?"

...I told him he didn't understand... we were his parents, and he had ten minutes to pack.

I asked a guy at the station, when was the next Train coming ? " Have a look up online " he said. So I replied..

.." That's a bit dangerous, isn't it ? "

A man walked past three sources of water. He said...

Well, well, well

A couple of shrimp were at the bar next to me, eating a bowl of fries. I went to ask if I could have one, but the bartender stopped me. "Don't bother," he said, "they won't share.

They're two shellfish."

I went to the doctors recently He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty” I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”

He said, “No. Fatty, don’t eat anything."

One night, a viking named Rudolf the Red was looking out the window when he said, "it's going to rain"

His wife asked, "how do you know?“

>!"Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear"!<

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Billy's mom comes home. "Billy, what's wrong?" -"Dad hanged himself in the attic!" he said in tears.

The mother rushes to the attic in a panic, quickly followed by her son.
As she gets up to the attic, she notices that nothing is there, and little Billy started giggling.
HaHaHa! April fool's mommy!!! He hanged himself in the basement!"

So I asked my friend to hangout and he said, “Can’t, I tested positive for COVID-19, but do you have any deer ticks?

...because I could really go for a Corona and Lyme right now”

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I took my grandma to the doctors the other day and he said to her that you have acute angina and she replied...

Wait til you see my tits.

He said to her " may be I don't have a car or a villa or a farm or a company or lots of money like my friend John but I really really love you"

She hugged him and cried " if you really love me, introduce me to your friend John"

Dude, I just came back from the doctors! He said I have rectal necrosis!

"deadass?"

I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’

So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’

At the office barbecue, I grilled a medium rare steak for my boss, and he said, “I like it well done!”

I said, “Thanks. That means a lot.”

There was this little 9 year old blind kid, and one day he said to his mom, "Mom, All I've ever wanted was to see."

His mom said, "Well son it's your lucky day, today is the last day of March, and if you pray your hardest,your prayers will be answered."

So the little boy goes to bed 2 hours early and starts praying himself to sleep.

He wakes up half way through the night and realises that the night ...

I visited the doctor today and he said my sugar was too high

So I came home and moved it to a lower shelf

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A guy spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name. "Carmen," she replied. That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation,

"Who named you, your mother?"

"No, I named myself, she answered.

"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"

"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name?" she asked.

"Beersex."

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Two Vaginas were talking and the first one said: “Did you hear that asshole? He said ‘two in the pink and one in the stink’ is favoritism”, and the other one replied:

“They hate us cuz they anus”

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When I told my therapist about being unhappy, he said, "When it comes to happiness, a good analogy is a 3D-printer."

"Oh," I said, "You mean that I should make my own happiness?"

"No," he said. "I meant, most people don't have it, and many don't even know what it is."

My dad called. He said he's coming back home after all this years.

The Boomer Rang

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A bomb went off near Hitler and some shrapnel got in his eyes. He went to the optometrist and when asked why Day was wrong he said

I can Nazi

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So I work as a therapist and someone with depression reached out to me. He said he was in a bad space mentally.

So I said get a lobotomy.

I got my friend a new set of arrows, but he said they looked like they sucked

I told him not to knock it until he nocks it.

I said to my friend "what's wrong" he said "i time i try to spell a word, i get half way through it and the person I'm with finishes it off"...

He said "LO"
I said "ok"

My friend Justin always says “i’m justin” even tho nobody asks. I asked why and he said...

Justin case

Joke by my 4 year old nephew, please try not to downvote. It made me laugh when he said it though.

Nephew: are you gluten intolerant?


Me(surprised he knew about gluten): yes I am, sweetheart


Nephew: how intolerant of you

a mexican was kidnapped and taken to one of the florida keys as prisoner, one day he found a phone and was able to contact the authorities, when asked where he was, he said:

Akey

I asked my father how many a couple is. He said, “Two or three.”

Which might explain why his marriage failed.

i found a magical lamp, rubbed it and a genie appeared, he said: "i grant you only one wish, use it wisely"

i said "ok,i want unlimited wishes".

then we started arguing with the genie, genie claimed he accepts only one wish and this wish is unacceptable and in contradiction with the original grant.

so i had another wish, i said "i want you to be my slave and do whatever i like".
it was...

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I broke down on the freeway and roadside rescue came and helped me out.. "What's wrong with it? i asked" "Shit in the gas tank" he said..

"How often do i have to do that?" i said..

My pet baby shark said his first words, he said..

Da da, da da

I have this friend who had cancer. In the process of cure and after he got released, he said his life was completely changed.

You know what they say about tumors. They really grow on you.

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My friend made fun of me for being a wrestling fan. He said, "You know that stuff is fake right?"

I said, "So, are your wife's boobs, but I still enjoy them for three hours every Monday night."

I debated a flat earther once. He got so mad, he said he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong

He'll come around eventually

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My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."

"No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker."

"I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes."

A man was driving home and was stopped by a traffic cop. He said, 'You're weaving down this road, 'What is in that Water Bottle?' The man said, 'Plain water.' the Cop took a sip and said, "This is red wine.'

The man looked at him, raised his eyes heavenward, and said, 'THANK YOU JESUS, YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.'

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When I was a kid my brothers and I came downstairs for breakfast, my mom asked my youngest brother what he wanted to eat and he said “give me some goddamn fruit loops!” My mom flipped her lid and said get your butt back upstairs now!” And then asked my middle brother what he wanted and he said..

“I want some of those goddamn fruit loops!” Again my mom flips her lid and smacks my brother right in the mouth! She then glares at me and says “so now!, what do you want for breakfast?!” And I said “I sure as fuck don’t want any of those goddamn fruit loops!”

My friend is an honourable, courteous and chivalrous guy. But he hates the stock market. When I asked him why, he said:

Gentlemen prefer bonds.

When he said separate America from the rest of the world

I don't think Trump meant having other countries do it for us by banning travel from America.

(This is tru) yesterday, I was with my niece, and she came round the corner on her bike with stabilisers, ‘look dad, no hands’, ‘that’s coz you have 4 wheels millie’ said her dad, ‘and you’re always scared when I go no hands’ and then he said:

‘I have 4 wheels in my car too’

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Woman: "Hey honey, I went to the gynecologist and he said my vagina is like a melon..."

Man: "Is it that big?"

Woman: "No, I think is kinda sweet."

I ran into a dwarf today with my shopping cart. I said “Oh man, are you okay?!” He said “I’m not happy!”

I said “Well which one are ya then?!”

I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said, Can you describe the symptoms?

I said yeah, Homers a bald fat dude that drinks Duff and Marge has blue hair

I was visiting the country to the north of the US and forgot how to spell its name. So I asked a local and he said

C, eh

N, eh

D, eh

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Buck was selling his car and and girl name Kelly was interested in buying it. He said it’s $4,000. She thought a minute and said, “How about $3000 and a blow job?” He said that sounds great . . .

He was happy he got the Kelly Blew Buck price.

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My mate and I were walking along when we noticed a gang of bat carrying youths in our way. He said "Quick! Pretend we're the police."

I sang 'Every breath you take' But we still got the shit kicked out of us.

Bf took me to get undies and he wanted to embarass me and he said real loud

"I can't wait to rip these off with my teeth" then I replied with : "seriously you need to stop, you're my brother." And i won.

One day an atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. " And to think they were all created by a cosmic accident" As he was walking alongside the river he suddenly heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to see a seven foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path but he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
Suddenly he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up he saw the bear right on top of him...

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday; he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”

I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Sir, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge mea...

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Everyone knows what Neil Armstrong said as he stepped onto the moon, but few people know what he said as he boarded the lander to take off- "Good luck Mr. Kowalski."

Years later when a biographer asked him about it, Armstrong told him about a time he heard his neighbors having a huge fight.

Mrs. Kowalski was really tearing into her husband, Neil could hear her yelling from clear across his yard. Curious, he snuck closer to the window of their house just ...

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I asked the boss what to do with the roll of bubble wrap we had delivered. "Just pop it in the corner," he said.

4 fucking hours that took me!

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I held the door open for an old Japanese man, and he said "Sank you!"

Being able to understand his heavy accent, I replied "You're welcome."
He laughs and says "No, you misunderstand, I am taunting you about Pearl Harbor."

My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said,

“OK, you’re ugly too.”

I went to the doctor and he said you have the blood pressure of a 14 year old kid

I said great. He said, not so great, a 14 year old *American* child. You got four months to live.

Kids are so fat these days the first letters they learn in the alphabet are not ABC, it's KFC.

Kids are so fat these days they use cheat codes to play Pokemon Go.

Kids are so fat th...

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I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"

I said, "No, but I once told a donkey to fuck off."

A 5-year-old brought a bag of cocaine to school; he said it made him feel like Spider-Man.

This may be the first time cocaine has been a gateway drug to Mary Jane.

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I saw a man on a date with his really hot wife and I jokingly asked him how he wound up with a woman so beautiful. He said, I put my hands on her I am a misogynist.

I was shocked and bewildered and looked to the wife for an explanation but she turned to her husband and said, honey you have to say "massage therapist".

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The editor rejected my book, he said my metaphores are incomprehensible...

I'm sad as a coconut.



Due to popular demand, **EDIT**: metaphors*... Freakin' grammar nazis... On a second thought, maybe grammar also played a role in my rejection, who knows...

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My doctor said I need to stop masturbating. When I asked why, he said ..

Cause I’m trying to give you a physical

I used to believe my neighbour when he said he slept standing upright.

But he's been lying.

I was walking home from school when I saw a boy on the curb wearing rags and cloths. I asked "Are you an orphan?" He said "Yes, what gave me away?"

I said "Your Parents"

Stopped by a roadside stand that said “lobster tails 2$”. I paid my 2$ and he said...

Unce upon a time there was a lobster...

A friend and I were talking about compromise in marriage. He said “In my marriage, my wife makes all the small decisions and I make all the big decisions.”

“We have yet to have any big decisions.”

I had my first parachute jump today and was so terrified! This guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane and as we plummeted, he said...

"So, how long have you been an instructor?"

Growing up my Dad told me to never go to strip clubs. He said they are raunchy and I will see things I can't unsee that will haunt me for life.

At 18, I went to a strip club anyway and he was right. I saw my Dad in there.

When I was a little kid I had a pet turtle. Tiny little turtle, kept him in an aquarium. When i went to camp, the turtle died. When i got home, my dad lied to me. He said, "your turtle is live and well, it just went to go live with your mother." And i believed that til i was digging in the backyard

...found my mom's body.

Smh worst day of my life,
I loved that turtle

I asked my dad why did he become a pilot. He said, "to conquer my greatest fear."

"The fear of flying?", I asked.

"No," said dad. "The fear of dying alone."

Last week I walked into a doctor's for a checkup. Giggling, he said "You have cancer, but it's still small. "

Apparently, he has a very fine sense of tumor.

"When one door closes, another opens", he said.

"That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."






Unfortunately, the site I got this joke from many months ago is now down so I can't give them the credit it deserve. But here's a different site with it anyway...

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I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon. "Well..." he said. "It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it."

"And he won?" I asked.

"Well, no." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder. The bastard!"

My doctor sucks. He said if I don't lay off the soda and red meat, I'll destroy my kidneys.

All that education and he can't even tell the difference between kid knees and adult knees.

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I was doing some gardening when my friend asked me to go out and have a drink with him. I said no cause I was gardening. He said 'Come on

*BROS BEFORE HOES*

It's a shit joke ik dont bully me

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[NSFW] I was having trouble sleeping, so I went to my doctor for help. He said "you'll have to stop masturbating"...

I asked why.

*"Because I'm trying to examine you, goddamit!"* He replied.

"don't worry.. " He said in a soothing calm voice "I'll be gentle". It was my first time...

"don't worry.. " He said in a soothing calm voice "I'll be gentle". It was my first time and I was so nervous. Fear rode me like a well versed Jockey. But people do it all the time right? It can't be that bad....
and that comfort and satisfaction at the end should be well worth any pain I receiv...

"When one door closes another door opens" he said

"That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."

A new bar opened up down the road that offered free Wi-Fi. I asked the bar keeper for the password and he said "two drink minimum"

So I quickly downed 2 shots and again asked for the password. He said "twodrinkminimum: all one word"

I was playing video games last night while my son was sitting next to me watching. He said, "dad I wish real life was more like video games."

So I locked him in his room and told him if he wants access to the rest of the house he will have to pay .99 for the DLC.

A woman was throwing darts at a bar when an attractive young man approached her. He said, "Excuse me, miss?"

And so she did.

Turns out my friend was right when he said I'd go deaf

I never heard the end of that

I asked my brother if there was any food left and he said "Only if you can time travel."

So I went back four seconds.

A duck walked up to a lemonade stand, and he said to the man running the stand

Quack

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Brenda was desperately trying to get her co-worker, Yuhap, into bed. He finally agreed to go on a date. After a few drinks she made her move on Yuhap. He said he wasn’t interested in anything physical. She was so turned on that she offered him $500 to sleep with her. He got offended and left.

She learned an important lesson. Money won’t buy Yuhap penis.

A buddy of mine is one of those “flat Earther’s.” He said he’s angry and going to the edge.

I have a feeling he’ll come around.

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A wife was preparing a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband when he suddenly burst into the kitchen. “Careful!” he said.

“Careful! Put in some more butter! Oh, my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once! “Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! Now! We need more butter! Oh, my gosh! They’re going to stick! “Slow things down a bit! Careful! Careful! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! “Right...

A powerlifter recently set the world record for bench press after losing it a year ago. When asked how he felt after regaining his title, he said

“It’s a huge weight off my chest.”

I got an e-mail from a buddy of mine. He always has trouble spelling certain words. He said he quit his job at the glue factory. Upper management wanted everyone to put out 2,500 tubes per hour

I guess he's not the type to work in a fast paste environment.

I'm not racist." I said to my buddy. "But I prefer my sandwiches cut diagonally." "That's not racist." he said.

"Exactly!" I replied. "I said I wasn't racist."

My friend Dave just turned 30 and was positively distraught. He said, ‘I don’t want to get any older!’

... so I killed him

My professor decided to give me individual lessons as punishment for always being late. I was instructed to arrive half an hour before class started. “Remember”, he said, “if you’re on time, you’re late, but if you’re early, you’re on time”.

The next morning, I dashed straight to class, making it there exactly a half hour before class started, and unsure if this counted as being late.

“I’m here professor, what’s the lesson about?”, I asked.


“Well, it’s about time.”

It’s the anniversary of my dear grandfather’s death, and I’ll never forget what he said to me right before he kicked the bucket.

He said,

“wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?”

When I was a kid my grandpa asked me when we drove past a cemetery “do you know how many people are dead in that cemetery?”, of course i said nope. Then he said

All of them!

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